#ppangppang

Today is a day nobody remembers. Nobody except myself, that is. No can really beat me when it comes to over sentimentality and over-clinginess. I seem to remember every single detail when no one else does. Even from the day before, I was already feeling raw after having to go back earlier from our last lunch out. Yes, I cried in the bathroom and melted into ate Mimi's arms when she forced me to open the bathroom door for her. That was embarrassing but I couldn't hide my swollen eyes and red (little) nose from anyone. I still get teased about my bathroom scenes because I did it almost nighlty that last week. And the day that was today last year was their last full day. We had the exams. And then we had the graduation event in the evening. We really made it special because they were the longest batch we ever had. We decorated the stage with balloons. And we prepared rosebuds (silly). And we prepared that 'Don't Stop Believing' number. Ate Maj and I went out that afternoon to get a congratulatory cake and buckets of chicken only for our team (my favorite people were all on my team fortunately). And then. The graduation. I was numb. I didn't feel anything. I didn't even feel sad at the speeches. I didn't even feel nervous at my singing-on-stage part with choreography. I still remember the pang I felt when I approached ppang (pang ppang wow) with a single rose in my hand. That must have been so cheesy but all of us gave a rose to the person we are closest to and I wanted to give one to CW too but I can give only to one person so I gave CW up. And then we took photos with everybody. I didn't feel anything then. And then. Around this time, we were talking on the couch in front of the director's office and CW and Pp handed me a fancy pouch with a little box inside and I was so speechless and overwhelmed and touched. Inside was the box was the infinity bracelet. And a letter (Pp already gave me his letter beforehand). And I tried to put on the bracelet on myself but I couldn't so they both berated me from both sides telling me I'm such a clumsy idiot. (This memory makes me smile). And Ppang put the bracelet on my left wrist and I didn't remove it at all until the TOEFL exam. CW explained that they wanted to buy a necklace and they argued at the store, because Ppang was convinced I'm not allowed to wear such jewelry in school. We are not supposed to wear any jewelry at all but I did wear Ppang's bracelt for a month or two (which was why we had that fight) so they thought it was okay. Ppang and I really talked a lot that night, and he kept knocking at my door whenever I went in. Ah, and I still remember that thing he did with my chin and I didn't know how to react so I reached out for his chin (stubbly) and did the same too. 'Hapi, I will miss even your hair,' i remember him saying. He also told me to hit him as much as I wanted because I wouldn't be able to hit him for a long, long time. That night I read CW's letter and it was so sweet and adorable and clingy (and look at where he is now!) and I was so crushed by it that I cried myself to sleep. Earlier that day I also wrote on his book, a goodbye letter. It was so long and I cried while writing it because CW is the only person who was THAT attached and that clingy to me and he did all the nicest things no one ever did for me in my entire life (that coffee thing and the candy thing and the sunburn thing etc etc etc). He also told me to change his kakao status for the last time. It stayed that way for several months. I felt like I lost him when he changed that last status I wrote. Back then, he would write random stuff on my timeline using my account whenever he gets hold of my gadgets. And he would always place his phone on top of my head when I'm stitting on the couch and would ask me to change his status. I wrote about how perverted he was. Haha. And Ppang also wrote me another short note (again in Korean) that night. In the morning, we ate breakfast (the last breakfast) together (6.25) and it was the day they were supposed to leave. I was in the bathroom taking a shower when I heard the bus pull up. I was so overwhelmed with painful emotions then. It made the separation feel more real and I started bawling like and idiot even though they still had two hours left. And Ppang and CW came over and teased me while being teary-eyed too and I kept saying 'I'm not crying' again and again even with tears flowing down my cheeks and hiccups attacking me from the inside. And then they had to leave. And I was reduced to a ball of tears. I wasn't even embarrassed anymore, just openly crying. And ppang was crying too, and was trying to wipe some of the tears away. We ended up wiping each other's tears in front of everybody and that was so so so so painful. Aw, even then I was such a pathetic person. And CW didn't show his face to me. He ran and hid. And then the hugs. And more tears, from everyone. I've never seen such river of tears from an non-funeral event before. And then they left. And then Julius and I were at the office and then we just looked at each other and cried, sobbing like idiots. I will never forget that moment. Come on, Julius is such a tough guy but he was sobbing. And we vented out all the things we would miss. And from the airport they called me and told me to stop crying. Hence, that's how I established my crybaby reputation. But honestly, I only cried when A left, when Gina left and when Pp and CW left. I didn't cry for other people. Well, exept. For a very few exemptions. But seriously. Soemthing shifted when they left. I've never been attached to anybody I knew was leaving since then. Maybe I'll always associate sad memories to this date.

I will not be mean. I will not think mean thoughts about people. I will not fault-find. I will not care. I will be cool. I will not be attached. I will be kind and patient. I will not be annoyed at PTK no matter what stupidity he'll do. I will stop myself from glaring at people. I will laugh again. I will do my best. I will write. I will put in extra hours. I will protect my weight. I will be competitive. I will not be outwardly jealous. I will control my emotions. I will sleep better. I will stop ranting. I will start playing badminton again. I will stop hoping. I will stop expecting. I will start believing again. I will learn an instrument. I will travel. I will control my introversion tendencies. I will believe that I am happy. I will not be lazy. I will take risks. I will stop watching movies. I will achieve.

Pangs of whatnot, They're all mini heart-attacks. At midnight.

Me: *getting dressed in jeans and sneakers* LITERALLY everyone: "Hey, are you okay? Are you sick? What's wrong with you today?" Ugh why?! Can't I wear jeans and sneakers?!