[Postan’s Diary – Part 1/??]:
Normally, like any ordinary person, my memories of someone are usually just fixed things like “this person likes this” or “this person told me something about that.”
But when it comes to Dud…I don’t tend to forget the things he does or says. Maybe a part of me doesn’t want to forget him so quickly. I often remember the way his gaze sharpens for a moment when he smokes a cigarette after a bad day. Or when he’s watching television with me, I can tell he enjoys my company by the way his lips curl into the faintest smile — a smile you only notice if you watch his face for a long time.
I miss his lips, and that sweet way he holds my hand…He isn’t someone who smiles often, which I find endearing. Maybe he loves me, or maybe he carries a very deep fear of abandonment.
I’m not going to abandon him. He came back to me after so much time spent alone. Why would I let someone so special slip away from my life? He, at the very least, reminds me that I am still human. He doesn’t see the monster...he sees the child I once was.
But he also sees my pain, just as I see his. It’s remarkable how silence never feels uncomfortable when we look at each other. It’s as if he reads my eyes, even though he never hides what he is. Being direct has always been his nature.
Even if he isn’t always honest when it matters, his eyes lack that glimmer of regret I so often see in others.
He understands me — and that no longer frightens me. He simply holds me steady, still teaching me even though I am a grown man. I’m still learning things…like how not to regret nothing.
