#postaccident

So, I made it back home to NYC. The flight was really hard, I couldn’t help but feel like I was abandoning my sister. Here I am home safe and she’s still stuck in the rehabilitation center. 

I know that she is being taken care of. 

I helped form a group of people who get together to stay and help her 24/7

I still can’t help the fear that she will be angry at me for leaving so early in her recovery.

I’m upset for being so far, yet I’m happy to be hoe away from the abuse of my dramatic family.

All of this would have been much easier if my family were just a slight bit more .... “normal”.......idk if that’s the word.

I love my parents, but every step of the way since the accident it seems as if they just couldn’t handle stepping up to the plate. Honestly it’s not even just since the accident. It’s been our whole lives. My father always abandoned my mother to care for herself, to lead a fast “faded” life of a party guy. He would regularly show up late to pick us up or sometimes not at all. I cannot remember how many times I cleaned up small mirrors with white powder all over them, hid many pornographic magazines and DVD’s, and kicked sketchy people out of the house.   All of this I did to protect my siblings. So that they wouldn't be exposed to those things. So that they would be safe. Fortunately they didn’t go through some of the things that I did. I even suffered from meth withdrawals without even knowing that I had been affected by it. One of the women that lived in his house shared a wall vent with me and when she would smoke, I got it secondhand. Many nights I stayed up unable to sleep. I would make very tedious art projects like coloring a poster board with tiny 1x1 inch squares of different colored crayon. 

My mother I know had a hard life. With a drug dealing/using husband who often ran off to do his own thing without leaving her money or support in any way. Unfortunately this life has made my mother quite a cold person. She values materialistic things and physical appearances above anything else. Even after the accident she mentioned “remember how ugly your hot pink hair looked?”. It can never be anything positive. In fact, she believes it is her responsibility as a mother to tell me things that “make me look bad or weird”. She defended coped with her difficult life with anger. Anger taken out on me or my siblings. Iv’e always been outspoken and ready to defend myself and what I thought or knew was right. I think that is why I always got it the worst. I never understood where the anger came from until I was an adult. She told us more and more about what actually happened in her and our lives that we never kew about.  Unfortunately even now I don’t know if she knows how to change. To make a change for a more positive track.

 Now that we needed my parents in a crisis, they took offense to me offering help with my sister while she was in ICU. Instead of letting me help they shunned and tried to exlclude me. I explained why it was important to question everything that is being done in the hospital, what medications she’s getting, what tests have they done, asked to look at the x-rays, researched everything on the internet. Meanwhile what did my parents do.... “The doctors know what they're doing.” I tried to explain why it was unfair and violating to her that they were letting estranged family members and friends go see her while she was unconscious. She was exposed in every way because her brain injury made her body very restless and her gown didn’t stay on. Instead they felt that I was insulting they’re parenting skills. I was merely trying to guide them. My father did what he normally does and he went to go feel sorry for himself and left the hospital. My mother did the same as she always does and went on the defense and taking everything personally, attacking anything that opposed her points of view. 

I felt like I was traveling back in time to my shitty childhood. 

The childhood where I was encouraged by counselors to run away to a shelter, where I was affected and surrounded by drugs and drug addicts, where I was punished for expressing myself with my aesthetic appearance, where I was constantly guilt tripped, where I was screaming to be heard, where cops and Child protective services where a regular thing.......The childhood that blocked me from being who I really am and reaching my fullest potential.

Thank GOD that my sister’s partner has some sense and we are on the same level.

I made a really good friend in Tameira. I will really miss having her around. I will have to make it a point to keep up with her both when I visit AZ and over social media or messages. She helped me see that I wasn't alone in my fucked up family situation. You are a truly beautiful soul and I love you. 

Overall, I have learned that Shitty situations and accidents happen. You truly never know when they are going to happen. It comes out of no where and you hardly realize anything happened until you wake up. 

The hospital, the injuries, and the emotional pain and suffering is hard enough let alone the potential PTSD that might ensue. All of this hurts. but it does not hurt as much as being treated like a villain by your family in a situation that you were a VICTIM of.

No matter what I have to go through, I can promise that I will never stop fighting to protect those that I love.

I will fight for you Osiris, my Scerbders. No matter what bullshit I have to put up with, no matter how many tears I cry, no mater how much physical pain I am in, no matter how much extra work I have to do, I will be here for you. 

Ir lervs yers...

Caring with Realness: a Guide

First, I want to preface this guide to explain why I wrote it.

Saturday April 16th, my sister an I were in a very serious car accident. I am totally Okay except very beat up and now, almost a week later still recovering. My sister is still in ICU with a fractured pelvis, a head injury, and now we are dealing with a brain injury. This means we have a lot of neurological and physical therapy ahead of us. Throughout this, the love and support of our friends and family has been overwhelming and very welcome. I want to say thank you.

I REALLY REALLY mean it, thank you.

But here are a few things that have been bothering me. So, to help you out, I’ve come up with a guide.

Here goes…

What NOT  to say

I am a VERY strong adult human being. That means, no, I’m not worried. I’m staying positive. Does that mean that I won’t cry? ABSOLUTELY NOT Nothing changes the fact that trauma, accidents, and tragedies feel like shit. Absolute shit. I will cry…it helps me feel better.  This also means phrases like “It will be okay” only annoy me and make me feel much much worse. Phrases like this make it seem like emotion is weakness. Emotion is NOT weakness, it is strength, it is healing, it is a process.

2.   I know I need to heal. Everyone is just healing after a trauma whether you were involved or not. What that means is, that you should avoid saying things like “You need to relax” or “you should take care of yourself”

People need to test their boundaries in order to progress in healing. If I get up and walk around it’s because I feel better. I’m not “Doing too much” … Trust me, my body will let me know when its too much.

Phrases like that are exactly like telling someone to “calm down” during an argument. When in the history of history has telling someone to calm down EVER helped them calm down? I mean, seriously?!

What to DO instead

Treat people like a normal human. You would think this one is common sense, but you'd be surprised. Talk about the normal shit you would always talk about. Some examples are: talking about your cat, talking about your dog, tell people about that fucking bitch at work named Becky who tries to make you look bad in front of your boss…etc.

Basically anything other that the above mentioned things about what not to say. Asking about progress is still totally okay. However, unless you're close friends or family, don't ask for details though. People will tell you what they need to tell you, or what they can tell you without completely breaking down. Also, chances are that they've already told a hundred other people….ask one of them.

2.  If you offer to “be” there for someone, actually be prepared to do it.

This mostly means, LISTEN. LISTEN REALLY WELL.

Don’t forget to stick to the other rules. Make normal conversation, do normal things like: watch a funny movie, go eat, smoke weed, go to the pool, color, make art, prank call the local pizza place or your aunt Tammy that is hilarious when she's irritated. Don’t forget to take the person you're consoling with into consideration. That is, don't invite someone who just broke their leg to go roller skating or something like that.

If you offered to help out, do it. I cannot tell you how thankful I am for everyone that has helped me. Sometimes, this means you will have to do any or all of these: driving someone somewhere, cooking or buying food, helping someone in and out of the bath (Yes, naked.), lending them clothes, bringing them medicine, hearing them cry, or cleaning up massive amounts of vomit and/or shit (sorry guys it’s true!).

Well,

That concludes that…

I hope that this guide will help you in any way it can, even if its just by giving you a laugh. Use and share it as you wish, and if you're on the receiving end like me, I’m so sorry that you are going through whatever you are going through and I know that you understand what I’m feeling.

Like my sister always says,

“Fuck bitches! Get money!”