#post kidnapping

Sadie was the first person that Spencer would consider a best friend. Sure, Morgan and Penelope were his work friends, and JJ, they always treated him well but Sadie was different. She was the only person he would make plans and hang out with outside of work. 

They would have their movie night and laugh over chinese food and painfully bad comedy. Wherever Sadie went Spencer wasn’t far behind. For Spencer, being around Sadie meant he could be him. Not some genius everyone knows him to be, he could relax, releasing all that tension in his shoulders. 

Now, it was the only thing Spencer could think about to get him out of here. He was tied to a chair in front of a bunch of screens going in and out of consciousness while a manic with multiple personalities was tutoring him for answers he wasn’t aware of. 

A few hours before, Sadie and Spencer were sent to an address to ask some questions and before she knew it they were splitting up. It was such a horrible idea. Why did she even bring it up?

The next thing she knew, it was dark when she heard the snarling coming from the dogs. Without thinking, she pulled her gun out and started shooting at the dogs. It wasn’t long until the local police officers pulled her out of there. She was still in shock when she saw Morgan. She ran into his arms, crying and mumbling about how Spencer was still in there somewhere. 

She ran around to the side of the house and when she could find the van anywhere, it sent her into a tizzy. The entire team spent the rest of the night trying to find their resident genius while the guilt was eating away at her. 

Eventually, thankfully, they found him alive. As soon as it was clear, Sadie ran up to him and scooped him into her arms. 

“You’re okay, you’re okay. I’m so sorry.” She said, repeating those words until her sobs took over the both of them and she wrapped her arms around him tighter. 

Hotch helped both of them up and led them to the ambulance where Spencer got treated for his injuries and Sadie refused to leave his side. She squeezed his hand, like if she didn’t, he would slip through her fingers again. They didn’t speak. Just sat close. However, after Spencer got checked out, he stood and started walking back towards the crime scene.

“Spence,” She started, her voice soft like rain on a window. “Where are you going?” She asked as she felt his hand slip out of hers. 

“I…I left something.” He said, not looking back as he took another step closer to it. 

“We can get a new one-” She tried but got cut off. 

“It’s important. I need it.” He said, turning around and meeting his eyes with hers. Oh, those eyes. She could never say no to them. 

“Okay, hurry back.” She said, he nodded. Spencer kept his promise. He was back in less than a minute. 

“Got it?” She asked, offering a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. He nodded, looking back down at the ground, his hand snaking its way back into hers. There they went back to the black SUV and drove back to the field office. 

The ride was tense but not filled with anything. Spencer was still jumpy at any noise so Sadie turned the radio off, she would steal glances at him every so often just to make sure he was okay. Every time she did, however, he would be looking out the window. She caught a glimpse of his reflection, he was giving everything a wide eyed look, like he was seeing the world for the first time again, appreciating it, because he was. Sadie knew why. He would never be the same after this. They both knew that. 

It wasn't long before they all made it on the tarmac after they swung by the precinct to get their things and wrap up to hand Hankel off to the state police. Spencer was already preparing himself to be a witness in the trail. He was trying to remember everything he could but it was hazy because of all of the– 

“Spencer?” Sadie spoke, breaking his train of thought and snapping him out of whatever trance he was in. 

“Sorry, what?” He murmured out quickly, breaking his eye contact with the car floor.  

“You ready? We’re here. We’re about to go home.” She said, trying to give him a convincing smile. He nodded but didn’t return the smile, Sadie didn’t expect him too. 

However, they both gathered their things and got onto the jet. Spencer didn’t speak, he sat in the same spot he always does. At the table right next to her. He’s doing that thing where he is staring off into space again. She wants to ask but she doesn't. 

This hasn’t been the first time something like this has happened to anyone on the team. They put their lives at risk every day to save the lives of others. The only question that Spencer is asking himself now is “Where is the line?” The truth is, he doesn't know and it feels like right now he’ll never know. 

Sadie notices it. She always does. When his thoughts are lingering too long, when his eyes are still on something instead of skipping around like they always did. She reached over and took his hand, gently intertwining her finger with his. She wasn’t trying to make him talk or explain himself. It was just something soft, something to anchor him. 

She’s done this before, for cases that sometimes hit a little too close to home, that linger a little too long. Most of the time Spencer wouldn’t react. It was like a silent agreement between the two. Holding hands felt like the sort of closeness that no one could say anything about. Morgan couldn’t tease him about it. Penlope couldn’t give him that knowing look. It was their thing. 

Spencer’s in too deep. He feels stupid admitting it to himself now. He should've known he was in too deep when he went back to take the dilaudid off Hankel’s body. It started small, he would take it to fall asleep instead of calling Sadie. 

Now, he needs to take it every few hours just to feel like he can breathe, so he can think. If he doesn't he gets all jittery, he can’t sit still, let alone think straight about the cases he has to solve. 

Meanwhile, he has been trying his hardest to avoid Sadie and, God, it’s so hard. Every time he brushes her off, walks past her in the middle of a sentence, moves around on the jet just to sit next to anyone else but her makes his stomach twist. 

He doesn't want to imagine what she is thinking. It’s probably something stupidly understanding, Spencer can almost hear it. 

He’s going through a lot right now. Maybe he just needs space? It’s frustrating how nice she is sometimes. Now, Spencer is stuck staring at the ceiling, torn between her and it. His finger twitches to trace his vein. It would be so easy to just use it and fall asleep. 

No one knows how utterly fucked he is but himself and if he’s not hurting anyone but himself there’s really no harm at all. He sat up and let out a breath. Just to fall asleep. He chanted inside his head. 

As he made the final push to get up, his phone buzzed. Ignore it. That dark voice inside him said. The same one that told him that he deserved to die in the barn. That the team would have moved on, everyone would. He blinked and his phone was in his hand. Sadie. Why was she calling this late? Is she okay? 

Before he could convince himself otherwise, he answered. 

“Hey,” He said, trying to make his voice deeper, as if he was sleeping. “What’s up?” He asked. 

“Hi,” Spencer could hear her smile through the phone. “I didn’t wake you, did I?” She asked. Too nice. 

“No, you didn’t. What’s up?” He repeated, this time with a hint of annoyance to his voice. All of that potential worry he had for a second ago was gone. 

“I was just thinking about you.” She said. She was going to make his stomach twist. 

“Why?” He asked…he sounded almost annoyed. 

“I was just worried about you. You know, with everything-” Before she could finish her sentence Spencer cut her off with a disbelieving scoff. 

“I don’t need you worrying about me.” He spat, gripping the phone tighter. 

“I-I didn’t mean it like that.” Sadie stammered, trying to explain herself but Spencer once again spoke over her. 

“I know what you meant. You’re like all the others, aren't you? You think I’m too fragile now.” Spencer chided, letting out a bitter laugh before continuing. “You know, I actually thought you were different. But no, you continue to disappoint.” 

His words stung, like a fiery hot sword that just impaled her stomach and was given a twist. Tears burned in her eyes, threatening to fall over. 

“What’s wrong with you?” She managed to get out. There was long silence, like Spencer couldn’t believe what he just said, cause he didn’t. 

Eventually, Saide hung up after a beat went on with none of them saying anything. After the dail tone rung out in Spencer’s ears for a moment and he had fucked up big time, he threw his phone across the room causing a few books on his shelfs to come toppling over. 

What did I do? What did I do? 

He mummered to himself while stumbling towards the bathroom. Everything felt like it was spinning, the words racing though his mind had lost all their meaning by now. He gripped the sides of the sink so tight his knuckles turned white. 

He forced himself to look up and into the mirror. He was skinner than before, his skin pale and pasty, excessive sweat was making his hair stick to his forehead. Sadie’s question rang through his head again. 

What was wrong with him? 

Unlike her though, he knew the answer. The answer was right behind the medicine cabinet. He reached for that answer quickly and before he could blink, that answer was being injected into his veins. 

Quickly, Spencer relaxed. When he closed the medicine cabinet and saw his reflection again, he smiled. Finally, his head was clear. He stumbled to the kitchen which is where he started digging around to find some beer. 

By 3AM, he was severely fucked up and higher than he had ever been. It felt nice, he could turn his brain off and not think about anything. Nothing. No sense of danger. Then, the high started to slip. Her words rang in his head once again. 

What’s wrong with you?

She sounded so upset, like she was about to cry. She was about to cry because of him. Spencer needed to forget her and anything she ever said. He quickly stumbled back to the bathroom, knocking into several things along the way. 

First, he bumped into the coffee table, knocking over a forgotten bottle, then into another bookcase causing even more books to topple over. As well as into the wall multiple times. 

Then, he was in the bathroom again, the dim light flickering over his figure in his reflection. At this point, he didn’t even remember what he looked like. However, he did what he normally did, grabbing the small vials and a syringe and shooting it into his veins. 

When he was done, he leaned against and sunk down onto the floor. His legs felt like jelly and his vision started getting spotty, his own breath becoming labored. 

Wait…this wasn’t supposed to happen. 

He…can’t… 

Before he succumbed to unconsciousness, the last thing to ring though his mind was her. 

After the call, Sadie couldn’t sleep. Spencer’s words rung out through her head like a gong. You continue to disappoint. What did that even mean? Continue? When had she been disappointing before? He didn't say “disappoint me.” Had she disappointed others? The team? 

She didn’t like how much those four words got under her skin so much. She tossed and turned and stared up at the wall like that would give her answers. 

What happened to Spencer? Her Spencer. Spence. Her best friend. The boy that she would laugh with so hard that she ended up in tears even Friday. The boy she would get wine drunk with and would end up with him asleep in her lap. The boy who would nuzzle into her touch like a cat every time she played with his hair. 

Tears burned in her eyes again but this time she let them fall and fall and continue falling until she felt like she couldn’t breathe anymore. She was feeling so much that she felt like she couldn’t feel anymore. Sadie couldn’t take it anymore. S, around 5AM, Derek got multiple calls that woke him up. 

“Hello?” He answered, his voice sounding gruff. 

“I know I woke you up. I know I know, I’m sorry. I just-” She tried but he cut her off before she could get too ahead of herself, which she does often around Derek. See, Derek is Sadie’s best friend along with Spencer. Sadie and Derek don’t hang out as much as Spencer and Sadie do but they’ll go out drinking sometimes, or will go on weekend runs together. In short, Derek is Saide's right hand man. 

“Woah, Woah. Honey, slow down,” Derek said, sitting up in bed and rubbing his eyes. “In and out. Breathe.” He instructs. Sadie slowly follows his orders and feels her heart beat slower against her chest. 

“Good, now tell me what happened to get so worked up in the middle of the night.” He says, keeping his voice steady and calm. 

“I called Spencer to check up on him and he got really nasty and said some weird things that didn’t feel like him and I was just asking you to check up on him? I don’t think he wants to see me right now.” She explained, looking down at her hands, trying to stay calm like he had said but a bad feeling in her stomach stirred. 

“Yes, I’ll check it out A.S.A.P.” He said and she could hear that signature Derek Morgan smile through the phone. 

“Thank you. Please text me with updates?” She asked, finally feeling some relief and laying back down. 

“You’re welcome, little lady. Get some rest.” He said and with that hung up. He kept his promise, after a few minutes he got out of bed, pulled on a shirt, some shorts and his slides and got into his car, heading over to Spencer’s apartment. 

It just reached 5:30 when Derek parked outside his complex. It didn't take long before he was knocking on his door. 

“Spencer?” He called out, knocking a little harder than last time.

“Spencer, open the door or you know what is gonna happen.” Derek warned, knocking so hard it hurt his knuckles. The knock was loud enough to be heard from the elevator down the hall, so he knew damn well he wasn’t just sleeping. Derek huffed and took a few steps back and kicked the door in. 

Walking in and finding the apartment in disarray was the second hint something was wrong. Spencer was your stereotypical boy genius. He was organized, he always had the files neatly laid out of his desk. Hell, sometimes he would colorcode them. 

So, seeing the apartment like this, books scared about, a broken mug on the floor, multiple empty beer bottles. Something was so wrong. Derek felt a pit in stomach as he walked deeper into space. 

It was almost unnervingly quiet, all you could hear were Derek’s footsteps padding across the wooden floor, it was almost like a horror movie. He turned down the hallway, he saw one door slightly ajar and started walking faster. 

There he was, Spencer on the floor with a vial in his hand. Derek froze for a second, he didn’t look peaceful like he does when he falls asleep on the jet. There’s something darker, more sinister. His eyes look like they’re more sunken in, his undereyes are purple like they were bruised. 

After a moment of staring at his body, he sprung into action, leaning down next to him to check for a pulse and while it was spotty, it was there. Derek thanked whatever was up there that he hadn't died. He wouldn’t know what he would do with himself if he was, let alone try to explain that to Saide. Next, he tried slapping Spencer’s face lightly to wake up. 

“Come on, Spencer. Wake up. Come on, man.” Derek said, trying to coax him awake. Finally, after a few minutes of this whole song and dance, Spencer finally cracked his eyes open a little bit. 

“What the hell did you do?” Were the first words to come out of Derek’s mouth but he didn’t sound mad, he just sounded concerned. However, as soon as Spencer realized what happened then and what’s happening now, he started squirming away from Derek’s touch. 

“Man, come on, get up. What did you take?” Derek asked, trying to prop him up. 

“Don’t tell Sadie, she’ll be so mad.” Spencer slurred while being pulled up and leaning against Derek. He sounded like a teenager getting caught drinking, begging not to tell their mom. 

“Tell me what you took.” Derek said, more firm this time. 

“Where are we going? Did you kick down my door?” He slurred and after that Derek gave up on asking any questions and it was more of a struggle than it should have been to get such a skinny man into the back seat of his car. 

The drive to the hospital was tense and quiet, Spencer knew he had gotten caught so he was quiet. The quietest Derek had even seen him. 

By 6:30, Spencer was already in a hospital bed and being checked up by doctors who are actively trying to get all the drugs out of his system. 

Derek finally pulls his phone and dials Sadie’s number slowly, taking a heavy sigh before he puts it up to his ear. 

“Hello?” She answered, sounding like she was awake but not by much. 

“Hey..” Derek started, not knowing  where to go from there. Sadie must have sensed something in his voice. 

“How is he?” She asked, worry creeping into her voice. 

“We’re at the hospital.” He said. 

“What? What happened?” She asked, and started to sound franking. Derel could already grab things, ready to rush over there. 

“He ODed.” Derek whispered, like he didn’t want to believe it himself.