#post five

Over the past week I’ve noticed that I’m not stressed about dancing. By this point in a rehearsal process, I’m beginning to have nightmares from the stress. Those occurrences are incredibly frustrating as I don’t sleep well in general and this disrupts my nights even more. For once though, I’m finding that I’m not worried about what I’ll be doing in the last three months of my senior year, performance wise. It’s a fascinating feeling, and I am waiting for the ball to drop. I do know that I need to move past that feeling, and it is a work in progress as I form these practices to feel confident in my future performances.

How am I doing this? I’ve made lots of lists. Lots of trackers. I’m not holding myself to them but I am making a habit of at least thinking of them as I prepare for bed and if my materials are right at hand, I’m more than willing to jot something down to help out with my stress.

I’ve been taking things nice and slow. It’s been nice having the resources to take it this slow. I’ve made sure to do some nice planks and pliés each time I approach the studio for creation (warming up). I strive to create a list of goals to accomplish each time. But if don’t create a list, I recognize that it isn’t the end of the world (I’m not perfect, and this is MY time, not someone else’s). I prefer a moment of silence before I run any work that I’ve been given this semester. I find I’m much more focused in doing this.

A lot of my issues stem from confidence. The line between humble and arrogant is a line I’ve toed for years. I feel confident that I can do most things related to dance, and I have some decent ability. But saying this, I also worry I’m thinking far too highly of myself. I also worry people won’t be interested in my work that I create and that it isn’t worth putting forth for people to see. To pile on another struggle is that I worry presenting my work on my own body will look odd, or not right. I’m learning that this isn’t the case, but it’s still something I struggle with as I work. The other day, I recorded the same movement four times because it wasn’t quite right. I gave in only after I had fallen over in the last video because of a lack of stamina. I’m working to move past this each time I record my rehearsal and it’s getting better.

Is the recording beneficial? It is so so so helpful. I still don’t enjoy watching myself but I’m finding a lot of material to work with and work on. Especially in my rehearsals with Susan. Details are super important and fine tuning them after working on the general work on my own has been helpful.

Overall though, this brings me to the performance itself. I refuse to re-watch videos of myself performing. I’m often dissatisfied with my performance and I believe this stems from worry of not being strong enough. I think I stress to the point of exhaustion that I’m not doing enough to have a successful performance. This made me want to look into what I might consider doing the day of. A warm up is necessary, of course. Quincy Cundiff-Kopplin wrote an article for Dance Magazine suggesting the benefits of a power nap, and the types of nap to consider before a show and after a day of rehearsals. Especially since I tend to a bit sleep deprived, I think this might really benefit my focus and work. I’d have to try it before-hand though and might try to do this during some of our short runs and with future rehearsals.

What is the importance of all of this? In a previous post I noted that I enjoy validation, and almost need it. It was cathartic to write all of these feelings out and recognize why I may or may not be feeling stressed. It’s also something to consider as I move forward in creating a performance practice.

Post Five: TED Talk by Ivan Coyote                                                                                              

           In this TED Talk, Ivan starts off by saying there needs to be single stall gender neutral bathrooms. Ivan makes the case that it should not be about fitting into male or female bathrooms because some folks are not male or female. Even though they know they can often pass as male most of the time for bathroom purposes it still does not solve the issue of feeling uncomfortable in changing rooms.  They follow that by saying, “And I shouldn't have to use the men's room because I'm not a man. I'm a trans person.” Providing the insight that even if you identify as trans that doesn’t mean you have to fit yourself into a binary especially not for social purposes like bathrooms or locker rooms.

           Another important part of this video is the section about three minutes in when Ivan talks about the new legislation people are attempting to pass saying that people will have to use the bathrooms that match the gender assigned at birth. This creates a whole new list of problems. For example, Ivan is seen as too masculine presenting to be in a female bathroom so the men’s is usually the best option but if this legislation passes then that won’t be an option either.

           An amazing point brought up is how we are going to attempt to police who goes into what bathroom. We usually assume if people are in the ‘right’ bathroom based on how many gender markers we can identify. Stereotypes such as hair length, clothing, or facial hair unfortunately are the first assumption that we know a person’s identity. How will we know what genitals people have walking in? We can’t have everybody stop and be searched or some ridiculous method similar to that. For that reason, Ivan makes the claim that this is all about putting fear in people. This will increase the transphobia people experience and create more dangerous spaces.

           Much like other sources, Ivan appeals to the idea that these single stalled structures as bathrooms which can also double as changing rooms offer a safe space to not only trans folks, but people with disabilities, people with body image issues, or people that don’t fit neatly into the awful boxes that exist in public spaces. Creating single stalled restrooms that also have benches or things like a locker room would have would also be cost efficient in that both things would be in one place so there would be no need for an excuse about needing to pay more to create multiple rooms.

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Post Five: Denee Mallon Chicago’s Living Legal Change

What is the personal narrative, behind a case like this?

Denee Mallon made history, being one of the first to receive gender reaffirming surgery paid for by Medicare. She challenged the government insurance’s ban on transition healthcare procedures.(1) Medicare’s ban was implemented in 1989 because it was ,”experimental,” with a, “lack of well controlled, long-term studies of the safety and effectiveness of the surgical procedures and attendant therapies,” with a,“ high rate of serious complications”.(1) Since that time, the leading medical associations have ‘endorsed’ gender affirming surgery. Mallon was the first to challenge this ban and she won, and at the age of 74, underwent the surgery and said, “I feel congruent, like I'm finally one complete human being where my body matches my innermost feelings, my psyche... I feel complete”.(1)

Mallon discussed in an interview, how she ‘became aware’ of her gender identity as a child in the 1940′s.(1) Life happened, she got married multiple times, had children and worked for a living and it pushed back her perusing gender affirming surgery.(1) In the 1970′s and early 80′s she was able to afford the surgery but wasn’t able to get a doctors approval, primarily because of her relationships with women, but when she finally got the go-ahead she no longer had the funds.(1)

The time in which she grew up in didn’t have a path paved for the gender-variant. She knew at a young age she identified as female/feminine and at age 12 in 1952, when she learned about ‘reassignment’ surgery, she knew she wanted gender affirming surgery. But, she attempted multiple times to, in her words, “man up”.(1) She joined football, the army, police force, but never felt comfortable in any aspect of her life where she had to present as a man.(1)

It was only into her 40′s that she began to live openly as a women.(1) She began taking fashion classes and diving into transgender activism. “ I lived what transsexuals call the stealth life, didn't disclose the fact that I was originally male... And in 2012, I came out of stealth mode and started being more of an activist."(1) In her interviews she seemed open, strong, and fun. Although it was very clear that Mallon was pleased with her ability to fight the insurance system and get access to care for herself, she also seemed equally pleased with the “door [she] opened”.(1)

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Math

Why do we need math? Because it puts us on a narrow path. Even though it sometimes makes you swell up in wrath. To most, Math just causes you stress, But thats not the case. Its a workers base, Math is in every place. Math doesn't have a realistic face, But when it is used, It leaves a remarkable trace!

Copyright © Ettie Christian | Year Posted 2014