deancas fic set post confession!

1 Month since Cas’s Death

He’s gone.

He’s actually gone this time.

Dean cant feel him anymore.

He’s gone and it’s all Dean’s fault.

He goes searching for the answers at the bottom of whiskey bottles and in the messes of his vomit that cover the bunker floor.

Sam keeps asking what happened, and the thing is Dean wants to tell him. He wants to break down in his baby brother’s arms and wail until his lungs cant function anymore, he hopes he screams so loud it rips his throat raw and he drowns in his own blood. But every time he looks at Sam, or Jack all he hears is

“Because you cared I cared… I cared about Sam, about Jack..”

Because of you, I’m dead.

Every night Dean sits in the pitch black emptiness of the library, drowning his sorrows in whatever alcohol he can find and he talks. He talks to Cas, prays to him rather. He knows wherever Cas is, he cant hear him. Somehow that makes it easier for him, easier to whisper “I love you” into the darkness and know he’ll never hear it back. It’s not like he deserves it anyway.

2 Months since Cas’s Death

Dean wakes up every morning drenched in sweat and screaming Cas’s name. Sam holds him until he starts breathing normally again and then Dean tells him to fuck off, doesn’t Sam get it? He killed Cas. Dean murdered Cas. It’s all his fault. Why the fuck should he feel any ounce of comfort or remorse when Cas never even got to feel loved?

No one should hold Dean. Or touch him. Or speak to him.

He has to preserve who he was when he was last with Cas.

He tells the library so every night.

3 Months since Cas’s Death

“Fuck you.”

“Dean we needed to know what happened, you-“

“You had no right!”

Sam watched the tapes from the dungeon. The ones where-

“Dean you wont talk to us and you’re killing yourself! You- I cant even recognise you half the time anymore Dean. When you’re not sleeping and screaming his name you’re angry, drunk and you’re looking for something to hurt and it always seems to be you that you land on Dean- I see the bruises on your fists, please Dean, you’re scaring Jack.”

That cut deeper than Dean can ever say ‘you’re scaring Jack.’ thats exactly what Dean used to say to John when he got like this. He used to hold Sam and promise him he would never let anything bad happen to him, that he’d never let their dad lay a hand on him.

Oh how the mighty have fallen.

“Fuck. You.” Dean bites out. He takes a step towards Sam and a part of him dies when Sam flinches back.

He doesn’t stop.

“You think you know what fuckin’ happened Sammy? You think you could ever understand how it fucking feels?” Deans pointer finger slammed against Sam’s chest. “I killed him. Me.” Sam cupped deans hand gently “You know that’s not true.” always so soft, despite everything.

A bitter, rotten laugh claws its way up from Deans throat “Isn’t it? You heard the man!” Dean yanks his hand away “Or did you watch him die in silence. Did you watch it take him in the quiet?” He stalks closer to Sam now, in his face, daring Sam to reply. He doesn’t.

“Well lucky fucking you.” he whispered as he heard the words die a twisted death on his tongue. Dean shoved Sam back and began pacing slowly.

“I sure wish I could’ve lived it in silence- because all I fucking hear anymore is him! He’s not even here and all I see is him, except for when I look in the mirror cause then I’m just dad.”

Dean is spiralling and he doesn’t know what he’s saying. He doesn’t know where he is, or what’s happening, he wants to hurt everything and everyone around him, but he has to protect Sam. Always his brothers protector.

“What he said-“

‘I love you.’

Dean nearly chokes on his words, they come out quiet and afraid and fill all the space in the room once inhabited by Dean’s whiskey flavoured torment. “It- It wasn’t for you.” He’s crying, he can feel it. Searing tear tracks flow down his face and Sam takes a step closer with his arms spread, ready to hold Dean together.

Dean spins on his heels and slams the door on his way out without a word.

He cries in the Library that night and imagines the black tar swallowing him too.

“I love you Cas… how could you do this? Why? Why, sweetheart? I could have gone with you.”

There was a deafening silence.

“Why didn’t you take me with you?”

4 Months since Cas’s Death

Dean doesn’t speak all month, too busy guzzling spirits.

They’re on to something big, they’re going to defeat Chuck.

Dean cant bring himself to care.

Until his phone rings.

“Cas?” he rasps into the phone.

It’s his voice.

In a heartbeat he’s up, and before he knows it he’s at the door and opening it. Not even thinking for a second that this could be a trick. All he could think was Cas.

It’s him.

It’s Cas.

It’s Cas.

CasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCas-

He opened the door.

Lucifer.

His sobs were all that filled the Library that night.

5 Months since Cas’s Death

Jack’s gone too.

They beat Chuck, the world is back.

But Dean lost another person.

Because he’s selfish, Dean prays for Jack to come back to them. He was clinging to Jack, the closest thing to Cas he had left.

But because Jack was so similar to Cas, he did the right thing and left Dean’s prayers unanswered.

Eileen tries to talk to Dean, he ignores her. Seeing her there with Sam’s hand on her shoulder, and pity in her eyes is too much, it’s just another reminder of what Dean will never, ever have.

That night in the library Dean doesn’t drink, he just talks to the empty space until he falls asleep.

“I used to hate that you stood so friggin close to me all the time man. I mean really hate it.” He laughed quietly to himself, “But it’s so cold without you now.”

“Thought I saw you today.”

“God, I miss your eyes.”

“Sammy mentioned you yesterday, we were out at some fair thing and there was all these farm animals in a pen- he said ‘Cas would’ve loved all these little guys’” He took a deep breath in “and you know what? I almost let myself imagine it and smile, before i said ‘We have to bring him sometime.’” The crying started then, and it didn’t stop until Deans head hit the table.

6 Months since Cas’s Death

“He loved me.”

He’s not sure why he says it, but Sam looks up from his breakfast and looks at Dean like his heart just shattered. Dean keeps cutting up his food.

“You wanna know the worst part? Think I loved him too.”

The knife and fork clatter and Dean sinks to the floor.

He cries for hours and Sam holds him as their food goes cold.

12 Months since Cas’s Death.

Dean is 4 months sober.

When Sam moved in with Eileen, Dean got his own apartment. It’s pretty shitty but it does its job.

They turned the bunker into a halfway home for any hunters who needed it.

He’s a firefighter now.

[Part 1] Here’s some post-confession Cas and Dean for you. Cas was saved by Jack and helping with Heaven, but he needed to face Dean to know where they stood.

Far too many weeks after Cas was taken by the empty, Dean heard a flutter of wings behind him in his room.

“Jack?” he turned but instantly froze in place at the sight of him, “…Cas.”

“Hello, Dean,” the Angel stood across the room from him looking like a dream.

“How are you-”

“Jack retrieved me from…” Cas trailed off, unable to say its name, “I was helping him in heaven, but I needed to see you after…”

“It’s really you…” Dean’s eyes teared up, “You’re really here…”

“I am,” he confirmed, still looking as if he might run away at any moment.

“Could you…” Dean moved toward the door, staying as far away as he could until he was out of the room.

Immediately, he folded on himself and there was a horrendous sound as his breakfast made a reappearance.

“Dean?” Sam came running down the hall toward him, “What’s wrong?”

Dean pointed toward the room, and Sam’s gaze followed.

“Cas?” Sam’s eyebrows knit tightly together.

“Hello, Sam,” Cas spoke from within the room, “Are you alright, Dean?”

He approached cautiously until he was standing in the doorway.

“I’ve upset you… Should I go?” he looked toward Sam.

“No,” Dean’s arm shot out, grabbing Cas’ lapel as if he could hold him there by force, “Don’t you fucking dare.”

“Dean?” Cas looked down at the hand before his eyes returned.

“Don’t go,” the hunter begged, and Cas’ hand came to rest on Dean’s wrist.

“Okay,” Cas answered on a nervous breath.

“Stay,” the hunter ground out through gritted teeth, staring at his chest where their hands touched.

“Yes, Dean,” he ducked his head and caught his eye, “Yes.”

“I should’ve said something,” Dean’s eyes glossed over with emotion.

“You don’t owe me anything, Dean,” Cas responded quietly as if he could give them any more privacy for this conversation with Sam standing a foot away.

Dean looked hurt by this though Cas wasn’t sure why.

“Cas, you told me-”

“I know what I told you,” his eyes cut quickly toward Sam again.

“So what,” Dean looked suddenly insecure about things, “You didn’t mean it or something?”

“Of course I did,” Cas replied earnestly, taking a chance and touching Dean’s cheek with his free hand.

It was a slow movement like you’d make toward a scared and cornered animal.

“I meant every word, Dean,” he added with soft eyes as his palm brushed the warm skin there, “That is something I can’t deny.”

“I don’t want you to,” Dean’s fingers tightened around his coat collar, “Cas… I tried to tell you in Purgatory…”

“What are you saying?” Cas’ head tilted as he seemed to brace himself.

“I love you, Cas,” Dean said it with incredulity, like it shouldn’t even need to be said.

Sam’s eyes darted between the two, but he remained silent, wondering if he should slip away but scared to disturb the moment.

“No,” Cas shook his head and pulled his hand away from his cheek, “It’s not the same…”

“I’m telling you it is…” Dean hooked his hand around the Angel’s neck, thumb rested beneath his ear.

Cas’ breath hitched in his throat, and his eyes cut to Sam one more time before gripping tighter to Dean’s wrist and pulling him into the room. The door slammed behind them, and a breath poured from Sam’s lungs. He shuffled for a moment, a bit in shock, before the loud thump of someone being pushed against the door promptly chased him off.

“How long?” Cas asked the hunter he currently had pinned to the door.

Dean looked down, talking to Cas’ hands seemed safer than looking him in the eye.

“Long time…” Dean’s voice came out quiet, “At least since Purgatory…”

“I don’t know what I’m meant to do with this, Dean,” he released him, turning away as his hand slid through his hair in a way that was far too human for how Angel he must be again considering his winged entrance, “I’m vastly out of my element-”

“And I’m not?” Dean’s hand on his shoulder pulled Cas’ eyes back to him.

“No, of course,” Cas shook his head, “I know I’m not your usual type…”

“I didn’t even mean because of that, but yes, that’s kinda new too,” Dean shrugged, “What do you want to do with this?”

“Honestly?” Cas’ eyes searched around in thought.

“Please,” Dean placed his free hand on Cas’ other shoulder so he was holding both.

“I want what we were… I like what we were, but…” Cas’ eyes found Dean’s again, “I want… more…”

“That’s a good enough place to start,” Dean’s lip tugged upward at the side, “What’s something more you want?”

“Dean, please,” Cas looked uncomfortable beneath his gaze.

“Right, putting you on the spot I guess…” he took a step closer and wrapped his arms around Cas’ waist, “How’s this?”

Cas nodded breathlessly, eyes dipping momentarily toward Dean’s lips.

“Do you…” Dean fought against his own insecurities, “Do you want to kiss me?”

“Yes,” he exhaled nervously, and his eyes fluttered closed as Dean leaned forward.

It was soft and sweet and barely there, but as he pulled away, Cas leaned forward after him.

Dean happily acquiesced, meeting him again with a little more insistence, and a deep moan rumbled through Cas’ chest and into Dean’s. The hunter pulled back, eyes blown dark and looking surprised at his own reaction to the sound.

“Okay,” his voice graveled, “What else do you want?”

“Everything,” Cas finally answered with confidence, “I want it all with you.”

“Done.”

———————

@spuffy-destiel keep the suggestions coming, I’m all about it! (And a sucker for comments)

Adrien bought ALL THE TIME SLOTS.

He planned this with Nino, who helped him create a playlist of song requests for the singing grams.