#post 71

So... on Friday, I finally just asked Terry what he had been telling people the reason why we broke up. And as soon as I asked that, I saw a spark of fear in his eyes. He said he told people it was because of our age. I said “okay.” I stayed cool and calm. Terry then said “why, have other people been saying differently?” “no.” I replied cooly. He seemed really nervous. Almost frightened. Then he quickly said he only told one other person what actually happened that night. I just thought “okay, yea. Cause you told Ryan.” But then he said he told Taylor. He promised, he swore she was the only person he told. Now, I can understand him telling her cause they’re best friends, and she’s his girlfriend. But he just flat out lied to me. which makes me wonder who else he told? i could tell he was lying when he said what he told people because he was scared. He was really, really uneasy. And then he just went and confirmed my thoughts. He lied to me. And I’m really upset because once a person knows what Terry’s been saying, they’ll see me differently. they will never look at me the same way again! And I’d really rather people didn’t think those things of me. I’ve decided I want to know how many people he has told. So tomorrow I’m gonna ask him straight out. I’m gonna tell him that I know Taylor is not the only person he told. I know he told other people. And I want to know who and or how many people he told. Ugh... I can’t believe I actually trusted him! I told him like... everything. My self harm. my suicide attempts, everything. I had my first kiss with him. And I trusted that he would never tell anyone my secrets. and now I'm terrified. 

so anyhoo... I sat next to Ashton at the pinewood lunch thing, and we talked about life and stuff. And he apologized for what happened that one time. he said he truly meant everything he said, he really did like me a lot. but his parents were just like “nope” so he couldn't really do anything. it wasn’t his fault, which i understand. 

anyways, my mom freaks out so much like she is so afraid i have an eating disorder... which i do, but she doesn’t need to know that or she’ll make my life hell. 

anyhoo, Ashton and I were talking and I was saying when I graduate from high school I'll go somewhere far from here. probably somewhere up north. and then he was like “you could come live with me in Washinton or Brooklyn.” and... well him saying that really made me feel happy inside. i feel like we understand one another. we’ve both been through it a lot and we both have tried to cope the same ways. so we both get what the others going through. and i know i can just talk about stuff with him cause he understands. he won’t judge me cause he is or was there at one point.