#possibly long

maybe it's just perfectionism, maybe it's an incredibly warped sense of negativity and low self-esteem; i don't know, maybe they go hand in hand. it's just hard not to notice when i feel like i should be "holy shit i hauled through a 220 BPM stream" and instead i'm just sort of wondering why i didn't haul better. there's just no victory in any of it. it's frustrating, partially because it feels long overdue, like it's something i should have accomplished years ago and just didn't and now everyone's either catching up or surpassed me and i'm just slowly crawling forward in first gear when i know perfectly well how to use the clutch and rev the motor and this is a weird metaphor and i'm losing steam with it

and then i wonder why i'm paying to play a game if any victory or accomplishment i get doesn't really feel like one... but then i wonder if that's just because i've got this awful negative lens on the whole world. i mean, i probably do... it's not like i'm only frustrated by ITG, i'm frustrated by my entire existence, which has been brimming in mediocrity because of my own laziness/ineptitude/disinterest in participating in the world.