#positiveaura

OK. So, I started talking to my inner child (henceforth referred to as "Ricky") in more positive way. Not so much, "I'm not going to let you do that because it's not good for you," but more, "I love you. I can feel that you are upset and unsure of yourself, but for now just know that I LOVE YOU and I am going to take care of you!" I like that. But two things seem to have happened at once. Let me tell you about it.

One, I made the decision to stop talking negative shit when I'm with people. It seems to be my modus operandi and because of it, I feel that I have been giving off that aura of negativity and anger. In my last post I wrote about how difficult it was this afternoon to keep from saying negative things while I was out with Ron. Now, I did it, but it sure wasn't easy!

Second, all of a sudden it seemed that the Universe was either really listening to me or I was being rewarded because today I received an invitation to Ron's birthday party, a wonderful long-distance call from Arif in Pakistan, an invitation by a relatively new friend from Alaska to go out tonight, and another invitation to come "cuddle" with a young guy that I know. Wow! All of that in one day! Could it be that my spurt of non-negativity has already produced some results?

The Sun Truly Did Come Out!

Last Thursday, I wrote that after my session with Carol I sat sobbing in my car. I was bemoaning the fact that I only had one or two friends and they always seemed busy. I kept thinking how I had sabbotaged beginning friendships (coffee dates, etc...) with an aura of being needy or angry. Well, something of a miracle happened during my sob-fest.

The phone rang and it was a guy that I have known for less than a year. His name is Ron, a retired Lutheran minister and a good guy. We have been out several times just as friends. Well, he invited me to The Purple Room to hear Keisha D. that night. I thought to myself, "This is LOVE showing itself!" I'm not a believer in god, but I do believe in the power of love and this was love showing me that someone cared enough to really seek me out. At first, I thought about saying no but then I thought, "After this miraculous turn of events, how can you even begin to think of saying no!?" I told Ron that I would meet him. We had a wonderful time. After the evening, he asked if I would like to go with him to Las Cazuelas to listen to some music during brunch. Again, I eagerly agreed but this time there was somethind different.

Being aware that I have been told by others that I can come across as needy and negative, I made a vow to myself that I was going to fight the urge to say anything negative the whole time I was with Ron. Oh, My GOSH! I must really be negative because it was SO VERY HARD not to dwell on negative things! Politics. Aspects of my job that I find annoying. The dreariness of the church service that Ron attended. The difficulties of trying to work out a relationship with someone I love who lives in Pakistan. My conversation kept trying to say negative things. Oh!!! It was SO hard for me! That means that it must be true. I countered each negative thought with a positive comment or I said nothing. It was difficult, but I think it just means that I need to keep trying.