"There are tears filling my eyes right now because for a brief moment, I was able to see myself the way he sees me...through his eyes..."
I wrote this passage this morning. After a horrible night, I woke up to a very loving passage that Bruce chose to send to me. He does this often but every once in awhile something he chooses really hits the mark. This was one of those passages.
It all started about 36 hours ago on Thursday evening. Bruce, party. That meant that we would be smoking T and doing several rounds of G. High and horny all night long. Jim had to leave around 3 am Friday morning. Randy left with him so that he could be dropped off at home. That left Bruce and me. We smoked a bit more which guaranteed that we wouldn't sleep at all.
We made it through the Friday morning. In the afternoon, I started the crash and burn. I had stayed up all night long many times, but this time was different.
In the afternoon, some strange things began happening. I had be putting up with visual hallucinations before, in fact, they were are daily occurance now. The were clear Keith Haring drawings. When they first began, they were faint like watermarks.Now, they were heavier, more distinct, and were with me almost all day every day. Frankly, the are beginning to scare me.
That afternoon, things got worse. The visual hallucinations took on a frightening change. I was looking at a grid of head shots on Grindr. I'd looked at them hundreds of times before only now they were moving, as if animated. I didn't say anything to Bruce. I went into the bedroom to watch TV. Bruce was on the bed so I lay down with him.
As we watched a movie, the colors appeared all wrong and the actors looked like claymation. My skin crawled. I asked Bruce if he saw something strange and as he told me that he didn't see anything out of the ordinary, he realized what I was asking. He saw you face go white and he knew that I was hallucinating.
I was exhausted and I fell asleep. As if the hallucinations weren't enough, the usual mouth irritations, the burns on the inside of my cheeks, the burns and sores on my tongue, and severely chapping lips took over. I was miserable. I couldn't eat because almost all foods burned when they touched my injured mouth. At some point, I had some mashed potatoes, a croissant with cream cheese, and some Body Armor for hydration. All I remember from that point on is restlessness which lasted all night long until 6 am this morning. That's when I awakened to the passage that Bruce had left for me.
I read it and I cried. Actually, I sobbled. The passage said simply that he loved me, no matter what. No matter how dire the circumstances, he would stand by me because he loved me. It's a humbling feeling when someone gives you grace...a gift that is freely given you you deserve no such gift. I couldn't earn it, and yet Bruce gave it to me. That gift was unconditional love.
In my response, I told how I thought that if he loved me with the depth that he did, he was either crazy or he really loved me. He loved me inspite of the shit that I put him through everytime, I cycled down. Then, in the depths of desparir, a glimmer of hope shone through...maybe Bruce wasn't crazy or a liar. Maybe he really did love me...I wondered how long that hope would last before it was swallowed up by my darkening mind once again. Tonight, I had my answer.
I could feel myself changing. Like Mr. Hyde turning back into Dr. Jekyll, my attitude of self-importance slowly began creeping back. I began to britle at stupid little things. I asked Bruce to help me clean up the dirty dishes. I had finished making the dinner that I was going to serve to Jim and Brian that evening. He cheerfulling agreed to do the dishes so that I could work on a chocolate cake with chocolate ganache frosting and crushed peppermints as decoration. Everything irked me but I think I hid it pretty well.
Right now, I'm typing this journal entry in the dark. Beside me, Bruce is softly snoring in the dark that is lit only by the laptop screen. Surrounded by darkness, mirroring my every-darkening mood. I guess I have my answer. The glimmer of light that gave me a little hope that maybe love had rescued me was gone.
That didn't take long, did it?
