Why, of all the places in Wicked’s Rest, did Elias feel drawn to come back to Forzen Yogluck of all places? Well… It’s kind of a long story. See, back before the leg (BL: Before Leg, as Elias likes to call it), he and Regan got frozen yogurt from this place, and the flavors were… existentially fraught at best, really. And the guy who owned it and worked behind the counter? Elias was half convinced was an Ancient Unknowable Horror. There was no other way to explain him. Yet here he was. Maybe if this Ancient Unknowable Horror (AUH for short) had answers about how to prevent a death by someone he trusted the most. Or maybe he’d just experience more dread. The latter was likely. 

After a moment of horror-induced staring at the front door, Elias swallowed and took the handle of the front door into his hands and pulled it open, then stepped through the threshold. The place was like entering a portal to the fucking Twilight Zone as far as he was concerned. His eyes scanned the haphazardly placed flavors, a twist of fear at the flavor labeled ‘bones’. God, he had to tell Regan about that one. If he could… get himself to talk to her without being terrified, that was. So far, she was the most likely person to stab him. So he was staying away. Elias looked around and noticed that so far, he was alone in the shop. So he awkwardly shuffled over to the empty cups and plucked one from the stack. The guy probably wouldn’t talk to him unless he bought something, huh?

_

She’d been past the bizarrely named fro-yo shop probably a dozen times. Every time she’d passed, she’d say to herself that’s such a weird little place. I’ll have to stop in one of these days. And she never did. Every time, Rosemary would walk on by Forzen Yogluck, and let the weird fro yo sit uneaten. But not that day. No, Rosemary had decided that today was the day. 

She walked in to find the place practically empty, save the man she assumed worked there, and a man who was staring at the list of flavors as though it was going to bite him. It was just a frozen yogurt shop, surely. Rosemary walked briskly over to the cups, and started seriously looking at the flavors. The void. Bones. Sleep paralysis demon. The witch laughed nervously. What the fuck. “So um,” Rosemary offered the other customer a small smile. “Do you have a favorite flavor, or…” or are you just as confused as I am?

_

Elias startled out of his stupor as the feminine voice came from behind him, jumping a bit and giving away his anxiety immediately. Good job, Kahtri. You’re doing great. “Oh, I… have been here a couple times,” he admitted as he rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s absolutely horrifying here, but… the guy at the front is so…” he turned to look toward the all-seeing and all-knowing Eldritch entity that was the frozen yogurt shop owner, face obscured by the hood he wore. “Well, he knows what he’s doing.” He decided to say instead of what he really wanted to say, which was terrifying beyond all reason. 

“If you want to go through a real trip, try the flavor existential dread. Tastes like chocolate, aftertaste of pure existentialism.” He realized how he sounded. Still, he couldn’t help himself. He didn’t want to be the only one who went through the fever dream that was Forzen Yogluck. Ever since his first visit here with Regan, he couldn’t stay away. Maybe it was the existential dread flavor, maybe it was the cloaked figure with spindly fingers. Maybe it was both.

_

The witch blinked. Horrifying? It was a frozen yogurt shop. Sure it was empty aside from them, which made it feel vaguely like it may have been a front for some vast criminal enterprise, but that wasn’t horrifying. Or was he some health nut who thought that even the healthier option of frozen yogurt was a crime? They didn’t strike her as the latter. “Well, yeah.” Rosemary drew the syllables out, wondering if her decision to talk to the other froyo patron had been a mistake. “I would hope so. Since he works here.”

Her eyes widened slightly, before narrowing down as she focused in on the guy. He didn’t seem like a liar, but no one who was a liar ever seemed like one. And his suggestion seemed just unhinged enough to be a tall tale. But… the witch looked at the yogurt selections, her gaze narrowing further. This was Wicked’s Rest. “Not sure I’m feeling the flavor of questioning my place in the universe right now. Any other suggestions?” Rosemary crossed her arms over her chest, punctuating the question as she shifted her weight to one leg, jutting out her hip. 

_

Oh, this woman had no idea what she’d walked in on. And for once in his life, Elias felt like a spider trapping a fly in his web. Only it was much, much weirder. She was so easy to dismiss the strangeness of this place. She knew nothing of the horrific fate that awaited her when she went to pay the spindly-fingered being. Perfect. 

“Well, my friend liked embalming fluid, but I can’t, under good conscience, recommend you try that flavor.” He muttered as he looked over the flavors. “Oh, this one seems normal,” he said as he pointed towards the machine labeled “Worm.” He was lying, of course. There was nothing normal about worm-flavored frozen yogurt. 

Elias continued looking around until he came back to existential dread. Yeah, he already felt it, so how bad could it really mess him up? He shrugged his shoulders, put his paper bowl underneath the spigot, and pulled the lever. Strangely, he wasn’t overcome with anything as the chocolate-looking yogurt dispensed into the cup. 

_

Her nose wrinkled in distaste at the flavor of embalming fluid, and crinkled further at his suggestion of worm. “Think I’ll pass on that one.” Her eyes alighted on one called nihilism nougat. She didn’t think that could be much better than existential dread. Rosemary kept moving along the wall, reading the flavors that were listed atop the levers of the yogurt machines. 

Then she saw one that looked like dark chocolate- or that’s what she assumed the flavor would be. Though it looked as though it had been colored with charcoal powder to give it an inky black appearance. It was simply labeled as The Void. “Huh.” Rosemary picked up a small paper cup, and filled it with some void. Then she saw some rainbow sprinkles, and decided they would pair well with a flavor that was supposed to be the nothingness that awaited them all at the end of the universe. She dumped a spoonful on top of the inky black frozen dessert, and stood patiently on line behind the man who’d suggested the other flavors. 

_

Elias sprinkled some crushed up Oreos on top of his Existential Dread and stared down at it. Oh yeah, this was like coming home. If home was a fucked up nightmare dimension, which it very much was. He stuck the spoon into the yogurt and went to face the true final boss of this place, the owner. Forzen himself. 

“Payment.” The voice called out from beneath the hood, the long, spindly fingers reaching out searchingly towards Elias. Standing there for a moment, Elias remembered what it was he brought for trade. A limited edition trading card from his favorite game, World of Warcraft. They discontinued the trading cards, and this one in particular gave the player a chicken mount. Couldn’t get it anywhere but that card. It was worth a pretty penny. And Elias cherished it. 

Forzen stared down at the card for a long moment, turning it over in his skeletal hand. Or at least Elias assumed that’s what he was doing, seeing as how he couldn’t see the guy’s eyes. The Eldritch Horror nodded his head once, and the card disappeared into the sleeve of his robe in exchange for a thumbs-up. There was something deeply chilling about a thumbs-up from this guy. He stepped out of the line with that sense of dread that only Forzen was capable of leaving him and watched to see how it would go for the stranger who dared to doubt the strangeness of Forzen Yogluck.

_

As she stood in line, she watched as the guy in front of her pulled out, not a credit card, but a trading card. Her face crinkled in confusion. Rosemary watched it all, bewilderment etched on her face. And then it was her turn to pay… the guy who looked like the fucking grim reaper, apparently. Weird. The witch offered the… entity? a sunny smile. “Hi there, just this today.” 

Skeletal fingers stretched out, unfolding from a fist one by one as eyes she couldn’t see but could absolutely feel bored a hole in her head. “Payment.” The witch pulled out her wallet. “Amex okay?” She asked, pulling out the thin plastic of a credit card. Silence met her, and the guy behind the counter closed his bony fist. “I’ll take that as a no…” Rosemary said, tucking the card back into her wallet. “Cash?” She pulled out a crisp ten dollar bill. The hand remained shut. She sighed. A barter system. Super. The cash was tucked hastily back into her wallet, and she dug around in her purse, looking for something the weird ass cashier may find valuable. She sighed, pulling out a jar of dirt. Grave dirt, specifically. Her family’s grave dirt. Toleratingly collected from just outside their mausoleum. “Valuable in the Bizzare. You could get so much there for it.” The entity seemed to consider it for a moment. Slowly, it reached out, and closed its hand around the jar, and pulled it into the recesses of his sleeve. Then, of all things, they- It? gave her a thumbs up, as they had for the other guy. “Super.” The witch said through gritted teeth, and turned to the man with the existential dread in a cup. “You come here often.” It wasn’t really a question. They’d seemed to know that the form of payment was unconventional, so surely they’d been in before. 

_

Watching with amusement shining in his eyes, Elias finally took a spoonful of his yogurt and plopped it into his mouth. As expected, there wasn’t much of a change. Seemed like he was right, the existential dread-induced yogurt and the existential dread he was already faced with seemed to cancel each other out. Instead, it just tasted like chocolate. Elias couldn’t help but smile to himself at his own revelation. He’d truly beaten this entity at its own game. Forzen Yogluck: 2 Elias Kahtri: 1 He was catching up. Watch out, Forzen. 

As the woman walked over to him and accused him, Elias tilted his head to one side, then shrugged a shoulder. “I have, yes.” He confirmed with a gentle smirk. “I can’t help it, this place is so weird. I have to be Forzen’s best customer at this point.” To confirm this statement, he looked over to the hooded owner, who shot Elias another thumbs up. Yes! Elias took this as a personal victory and did a little fist pump. 

“Wait until you try it.” He told her as he headed for a place to sit down. “Void flavor… Yeah, I can’t imagine what that’s about to do to you.” He mused to himself as he sat down in a chair and took another spoonful of yogurt into his mouth. Still no added dread. Man, he was good at this.

_

Something about the man’s final comment had the hair on the back of her neck raising. Her lips pressed together in a tight line, suspicion crashing across her features like a tidal wave. The man walked over to the chairs, and Rosemary turned back to look at the grim reaper sales associate. She stared down at the frozen yogurt, unease cooking in her stomach. 

She dug a spoon into it and dug a little hole, pretending to eat some and humming in fake delight before turning to go back to the apparent frequent flier at the shop. She sat down across from him, a smile that didn’t reach all the way to her eyes stretched across her face. “Dark chocolate and raspberry.” She lied, setting it down on the little table between them. “Why don’t you try a bite? Maybe you’ll have a new favorite.” Rosemary was not about to play guinea pig- not for a stranger who’s idea of a good time was suggesting she try worm fro yo. 

_

Elias may be naive, but he was not, was stupid. As Rosemary faked a bite of the frozen yogurt, Elias’s gaze flicked over to Forzen, who gave a thumbs down. Yeah, that’s what he thought. “Uh-huh.” He answered plainly, expression flattening as she tried to entice him to take a bite. “Read the reviews of this place, they’ll explain it all for you.” He insisted, pulling up the Yelp reviews of all five-star reviews, not a single negative one in sight. 

“I won’t eat your frozen yogurt. I don’t know you.” Elias insisted, leaning back in his seat to take yet another bite of his own. “But you’re free to throw it out after sacrificing your hard-earned dirt jar.” he shook his head and turned his attention back to his own cup, disinterested in the woman’s skepticism. Believe him or don’t, it wasn’t his problem.

_

Rosemary’s fake smile rapidly turned into a scowl. Sure she was a liar who was trying to trick him into trying her yogurt for her, but this guy was a jerk. He seemed to be relishing in the fact that she didn’t know what the punchline to this cosmic joke of a froyo shop was. “Has anyone told you that you kind of suck at sharing details?” 

“I’m Rosemary.” She said, false cheer injected into her voice to sugar coat the utter suspicion. “And you’re the fan of the sketchy fro yo shop. See? Now we know eachother. And you can try my fro yo now. So great. I insist.” She said, sliding it across the table to sit in front of him. “C’mon, what’s a little void in comparison to existential dread?” She goaded. She wouldn’t be cursed with suspicious fro yo. Not unless she knew it was, at least relatively, safe. 

_

Elias slowly raised a brow at Rosemary’s accusation. “It’s not like I asked you to come here, you came on your own.” He pointed out plainly. He didn’t like this woman’s tone, nor was he about to put up with it. He considered Forzen a weird, distant friend at this point, so he wasn’t about to leave the guy with a total Karen of a customer either. 

“Well, Rosemary, you’re behaving like a belligerent child right now,” he spoke in a cool and even tone as he boredly turned to stare at the blonde. His expression dared her to challenge him. What was she going to do? Kill him? No, because that fate was already sealed for him. Perhaps this was making him braver than he otherwise would be. “You don’t know my name, nor will you learn it.” He decided as he took another bite of his yogurt. “Forzen’s asking you to leave.” He then told her, gesturing towards the hooded figure that was giving a thumbs-down and shaking his head back and forth in disapproval.

_

Rosemary closed her eyes, trying to calm the feeling of wrong that the words ‘can’t wait to see what that will do to you’ had caused to form in her chest. She was being a bitch. She knew she was being a bitch. And this guy, despite acting like a nihilistic jackass probably didn’t deserve her ire. He was probably a nice guy. A nice guy with fucking weird taste in frozen treats. But a nice guy. 

“I’m sorry.” She said, managing to sound earnest despite the clanging alarm bells that were lighting up her mind. “But you can see where your comment would cause immediate concern, can’t you? This place is empty, you’re speaking in cryptic riddles, and that guy-“ the necromancer jerked her thumb over her shoulder toward the hooded figure. “-looks like he’s about to pull a scythe from out back and collect my soul the second I eat this thing. And you seem to be buddy buddy with him. So excuse me for being a bit suspicious of being told that you can’t wait to see what the fro yo would do to me.” Rosemary’s hackles were still raised as she stared down at the little frozen treat that hadn’t seemed so menacing when she’d bought it, but now sat in front of her like a ticking time bomb. “Look, can you just not be cryptic for five seconds, please, and tell me what the gag is here? You seem like you know what’s up. I’m not looking to make a deal, or trying to take your name, or whatever it is you’re worried about here. I just want to know that I’m not going to die or worse if I have the fro yo. Okay?”

_

The more this lady talked, the more Elias felt a mighty need to turn off his brain. “Someone hasn’t read the reviews of this place, nor heeded the strange name of this place.” He finally responded with an unamused expression, meeting Rosemary’s incredulous one. “I recommend that, in the future, you do your research on a place before blindly walking in. Especially in this town.” He finished the last of his frozen yogurt and stood up from his seat. He didn’t have time for this.

“The yogurt makes you feel whatever the name of it is. And seeing as how I’m already filled with existential dread? Eating this didn’t make me any worse.” He threw out his garbage with a flat smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “Loophole.” He added as he tapped the side of his head. “You have a good night with Forzen,” he spoke with a wave of his hand before pulling on the door and walking out. Rosemary was not on his list of people he wanted to deal with ever again, thanks very much.

_

Rosemary’s mouth twisted into a pursed little frown. “The name is Forzen yogluck. That’s not a portent of doom, that’s a drunk text without autocorrect on.” She felt stupid. Or foolish. Because she hated that the man was unquestionably right, and that simply operating under the assumption that anything was relatively normal in Wicked’s Rest was almost always the wrong idea.