#portraitofacomplexhumanbeing

She stared into my eyes, pleading with me to do the right thing. It’s funny but I thought what she was saying was wrong, yet I felt compelled to hide her secret. It’s not like I don’t know right from wrong. I do. Therein lies the complexity of the problem. I know it’s wrong, yet somehow I cannot do it. As a child, my parents constantly preached to do the right thing, no matter the situation. When I got to college, I was definitely self-righteous and sure that I would keep that ideal within myself for not just my four years of college but my life.

It’s almost like that X-Factor commercial with Simon Cowell. The one in which on one shoulder sits his own persona but in a black T-shirt, spewing off all the negative comments that a person should probably not say. On the other side sits his own persona in a white T-shirt, pushing Simon towards positive comments. In the commercial it’s humorous. There are no consequences for whatever Simon decides. That is not the case in real life, but that is how I feel. Battling back and forth between what I know is right, and that little me sitting on my other shoulder asking me to do the complete opposite.

I smiled back at her, not a normal comforting smile, but a sad smile. I shook my head and said, “I’m sorry, but this affects more than just you. This affects a lot of people and I cannot just watch you head down this path knowingly. Someone else needs to know.”

She didn’t say anything. Her eyes began to water and she turned toward the door. She got five, ten, I don’t know I was still in my own head, steps away from me before she spoke, her back still to me, “You know that this only makes me want to do it more right? I feel like I have nothing left, can’t you just let me have peace with this?”