#poppunkpizzaparty

Dear Sisqo,

Dear god if anyone ever has your password and sees this, man I’m gonna look like a dipshit 😂

I had this whole notes app thing written out, and had planned on sharing it with fucking DMX of all ppl soon, but somehow in my perpetual idiocy deleted literally every note from my phone🫠 v like me.

You called me….god I think I’m 2019? I was at my husbands fam lake house (his name is Mark Hoppus and you’d definitely pick him over me if this was high school), and for a second I was going to answer it and run outside to see what was up, if everything was okay, etc. but my brain got the best of me and I sent you to vm, and you left me the nicest message of how I had just crossed your mind, and you wanted to call to see how I was doing. I brushed it off like nothing bc tbh I expected to be in ~crappy home town~ any time then, and figured I’d see you at ~*dumb brewery*~

I goddamn wish I had picked up the phone. Idk what was going on, or why you called, but that was my unknown last opportunity to talk to you. To may have a good heart to heart. To be a fucking adult and tell you how shitty of a person I was, and how I regretted forever how I was to you, and how selfish I was that I hoped that it was all in the past and you forgave me or some shit.

My ~anonymous family member~ texted me the day it happened. He works at the *made up job like pizza delivery*, which I think you knew bc you had kept up with him kind of. I cried. I fucking bawled like a bitch. And then felt awful bc I felt that I didn’t deserve to have feelings, bc of the shite teenager I was. But I was torn up. I am torn up. Fuck me man, like I found my fucking live journal of all goddamn things, and even things you told me when we were broken up and barely were friends, you were literally one of the best friends I ever fucking had. And I threw that shit away like fucking garbage bc I was a selfish, no good, self centered bitch.

I didn’t go to your memorial at your house. I wanted to. I basically had gotten ready to leave, and backed out. I honestly didn’t know if I’d be welcome. I know that your family didn’t like me literally at all when we finally broke up (obviously for good reason), and I am a perpetual chicken and didn’t go.

Did you know this is how me, and Jay-Z, and DMX reconnected?! I hadn’t talked to Jay-Z in like, fuck 15 years! And DMX as you know basically hides in the darkness of all social media, so I literally hadn’t seen or talked to him since….fuck. 2013. I think I saw you more recently than DMX. I still haven’t gotten up with him bc life, schedules, whatnot. I mean to get up and fall into misledyouth222- land and just falls to the wayside. As you’re familiar.

I had planned on going to your memorial service. I told Jay-Z and DMX they had to go with me. But —- I felt like I shouldn’t. I still didn’t know if I should bc idk how your fam would take seeing this fucking ghost from the past, and I didn’t think it was the time or place. jay-z understood, as he does.

That morning, I went a show at ~*~crappy dive bar in a new crappy hometown~*~, an acoustic set by && lead singer of Americana band&&. I think you’d have liked them, alt country but damn he has a way with words. He was performing his new album before it was released, playing the songs for ppl for the first time. One of the songs was about a friend he had from high school, whom he had lost. When I tell you that I literally broke down in a goddamn dive bar at 1130 in the morning.

Sisqo. You were one of the best friends I’ve ever had. I definitely took you for granted, and I know that now in my (somewhat) wiser age. You were a friend, good person for life, and I fucked that up supremely. I loved you to death, Sisqo. I did. I was a selfish asshole who deserved the dumb poem you wrote and posted on deviant art that I found sophomore year of college bc I was a goddamn weirdo who googled that and literally, deserved every goddam mean thing you said about me. I hope that somewhere down the line, you forgave me.

The last time I saw you, I was sitting at ~*dumb brewery*~ by myself, trying to hook up with another ex from high school bc I was in a newly single (from that asshole you met with the giant head that I almost married but thank god I didn’t bc he may have been the karma I deserved from being such a fucking dumbass for so long) - I was sitting at the bar, alone, and every time you walked by, you made sure I was okay, gave me your dumb big grin, and when I left you told me to be careful, have fun. I gave you a huge hug. I think we ended things finally on an okay note, kid.

There will always be a little Sisqo-sized hole in my heart for you. You were the nicest, sweetest, most patient person I had ever met. You know the shit I went through with other relationships, and you were always there for me. I’ll love you forever.

Also - Im definitely going to use this as a frame of reference when I finally get up with DMX, bc I had started to talk to him about it via text, and you know him, phone advert, said my nervous breakdown was better suited for in person. 😂 and my idiot self deleted my notes app apology. So this rambling bullshit has to do.

Love you, kid ♥️