#poor coping

He doesn’t look up as Celty approaches, but he fully expects her to sit beside him and give him that concerned look of hers. It’s amazing he can read her expressions since she doesn’t have a head, but somehow he manages. He ignores her for the most part, taking another drag on his cigarette, and Celty finally lifts her phone. 

[You hated him.]

Yeah. He did, didn’t he? At one point at least. 

[Shizuo, we’re all very worried about you.]

But that hardly matters, right? He’ll bounce back from this eventually. It’s just taking him an abnormally long time to hit the bottom, but he feels he’s obscenely close to it now.

He stands, stomping on his cigarette butt. He nods to Celty and walks away from her, into the bright lights of Shinjuku. It’s funny, hilarious even, that he used to hate this city so much, but now it’s the only place that feels anything like home.

I keep having crying spells in my car on my way home and they’re absolutely devastating. The other night I was hysterically sobbing and I had to pull it together to make sure I didn’t wake anybody up or make them ask questions. I don’t know what to say if they ask what’s wrong. I can’t tell the truth. Keeping it from them is killing me in a different way but I wouldn’t ever be able to look my grandfather in the eye if I told him what was really wrong with me. 

I am physically and emotionally exhausted and nothing really helps that anymore either.

I am never present in conversation. I am always halfway between listening and drifting off. I don’t know where my mind goes, but it slips away for hours at a time and everything has started to feel like static. I get brief moments of reality sometimes. I become aware of my body and what I’m doing and I manage to connect the inner and outer worlds but this only comes for seconds or minutes now and then disappears again- and whenever I do connect the dots for any longer I just cry. I’m dissociating as a way of coping but it makes everything harder. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to live.