#ponzumi

He barely reacted, the cold rain falling over his face and rolling down his features, his heart numb. Had he ever felt alive? Besides the short moments of his youth were he had thought himself able to give his life for an idea… for mere words of love.

何もかも慣れてくのかな　昨日までの溢れる涙も騙してた　隠してたんだ壊れそうな自分を　もうこのままバレないで自分を騙して　クールに胸を焦がして(Can you get used to anything?　Even the tears that overflowed until yesterdayI’ve deceived them　Hid themSo my fragile self　Wouldn’t be found outJust deceive yourself　And long for something, without showing it)

Droplets of rain hurting like needles of ice over his skin, he dragged himself further through the streets. Even as the light went down and the neon lights of the stores reflected over the wet floor.

Had he grown used to his own worthless self that the realization of how easily replaceable he was didn’t brought tears to his eyes anymore? Or had held them back for long enough to forget how to properly cry? He had tried so hard. Up to this point he had done whatever he could to prove himself worthy and yet… it wasn’t enough.

Even if he only wanted to be loved… even that was too much to ask for…

この迷いをどうすればいいのか　もうわからないからわからなくていい リスクがあるから高鳴る心臓を感じられる　信じた路を(What should I do about these doubts?　I don’t even know anymoreNo need to know　Because there are risksI can feel my pounding heartThe road I believed in…)

There was nothing left… he had wrapped his heart in lies, protecting himself from the fear of being abandoned by never coming close to anyone in the first place. Was that the right choice? Had he made a mistake?

How could he know… he had convinced himself that a role of villain suited him well; that he could stand the hatred of the whole world and stain his hands of blood. But could he really?

Wasn’t this the best choice? To sacrifice his own wishes, and murder his heart, so those around him could be happy. So they wouldn’t have to be broken to pieces by the cruelty of this sick world…

If it was right… it shouldn’t hurt so much. To be loathed. To be left behind and forgotten.

癒しの傘はささなかった　ヘッドライトに胸を暗く深く透かされたそっちは違うよ悪戯に天使や悪魔が耳もとで冷たく囁く(I didn’t hold up an umbrella　The headlights illuminating through the dark of my heartThat’s not itIs it an angel or a demon that is whispering coldly by my ear?)

The rain stopped… at least from falling over his small frame, already slouching by the weight of his pains… the sound of water bouncing loudly against tensed plastic made him look up. The dark color of an umbrella covering him…

Blinking slowly, he turned around to find an all too familiar face behind him; that platinum blond hair and golden eyes that at some point seemed to have turned into a reassuring sight for him.

Because he was always there when he was about to break down. When he needed help…

Even if he haven’t asked for it… even if he was sure he didn’t needed any help. Ponsol always managed to appear in front of him and do exactly that… How much of his suffering and vulnerability had he seen already? And not satisfied he kept appearing like this… when he needed him the most…

Admitting you need help doesn’t mean you are weak.

What do you know? What can you know? Why do you say things that feel so comforting? Don’t you see how hard he is trying not to break down?

圧迫する心臓のオペラ　アスファルトを叩くオーケストラの雨息もできなくなる程　生きてる匂いがした世界を繋ぐように微笑む(The heavy opera of my heart　The orchestra of rain against the asphaltThe smell of being alive　So strong you can’t breathSmile as if to tie this world together)

He was drenched wet, but Ponsol didn’t paid it much mind, sticking close to him so the umbrella would work its purpose, letting him hold from his arm so he wouldn’t go falling down…

And his heart was beating all so fast again, right inside his chest. So loud the sound of the rain seemed insignificant besides it… so much he could hardly breath…

He couldn’t understand… what this emotions were. Why did he wanted to rely in the other? Why did he only felt alive when he could be with him like this.

今は何も力はなくて　だが空虚な世迷言じゃない抱きしめて　抱きしめていて崩れそうな心を　どうでもいい今はまだ理解されなくていいクールに心燃やして(I have no strength now　But it’s not an empty excuseHold me!　Just hold me!I don’t care about　my crumbling heartRight now　there’s no need to understand yetJust set your heart ablaze)

He was never a strong person.

Easily swayed by the darkness of the world. Easily crumbled by the pressure and the loneliness. He had tried to hide that, to make himself seem strong. Unwavering. It was all a play… him pretending to be what he had always looked up to. Nothing more.

And he had never showed the truth to anyone.

Not even when Leo had promised to make him happy.Not when Narukami had wanted to listen to his worries.

He had never wanted them to see… he had never wanted anyone to know. And yet, here he was… clinging from someone, looking at him with eyes full of tears and his heart beating like crazy.

He had never wanted someone to understand him like he did now. He had never wanted anyone to be there for him like in this moment… with this person.

“Ponsol-kun… I… I’m sorry… I just…” not even able to make his thoughts into words, Izumi had already thrown himself to the other’s arms. The tears that had refused to come out before now streaming down his face without any signs of stopping. There was some reassurance in being able to rest his face against that chest, in being able to cling to him and show his true emotions.

And Ponsol returned the gesture, arms wrapping softly around him, adding just a bit of strength once he was completely wrapped in his arms.

この迷いをどうすればいいのか　もうわからないからわからなくていい　リスクがあるから高鳴る心臓を感じられる　信じた路を迷う方角へ(What should I do about these doubts?　I don’t even know anymoreIt’s ok not to know　Because there are risksI can feel my pounding heart　The road I believed inFollowing a wavering compass)

Perhaps, his choice of life had been a mistake. Maybe there was no need to destroy his own happiness for others…

Maybe he could be weak sometimes. Maybe he didn’t had to pretend all the time… and show his true self to at least one person.