#polyhuiskintaa

Quess who got a new mic and finally found some spoons to ramble about their life again? Me! I'm really enjoying how these little ramblings are turning out!

OH

This... Explains a lot.

I wanted for quite some time already to try making audio content here, and finally got over the hurdle of "it needs to sound professional". So here's me, rambling about stuff for five minutes. Hope you enjoy

Even though 2020 has been a mess all round for me, in this post-breakdown world things are looking... more like me?

I have good people around me and people who seem to love me no matter how low I feel I've sunk. It's comforting, even though I can't seem to shake the feeling of being a failure as a partner. That's my secret cap: I'm always blaming myself.

TL;DR: I've found out that I'm not that compatible as a person to share a living space with someone else for long periods of time due to my mental condition. I live on my own now, and we de-escalated our primary-type relationship with Kitty. We call each other anchor partners now, and I really like the sound of it. Like before, the love is there, we just suit each other better this way.

We had a short chat with Rai and things are still up in the air a bit, but it doesn't bother us. Time and space for both of us, there are more important things to focus on right now.

And finally, after pondering on it for quite some time, I think I'm not that suited for tightly structured, hierarchy-style polyamory. I find relationship anarchy much more fitting as a descriptor.

''I could have told you that long ago'' Lil Sunshine joked last time we called. There is a clear feeling of caring after one another, and we did talk about that too. I too think it's best we get to know each other better as friends first, once the pandemic calms down. We keep getting excited and losing ourselves to planning all kinds of adventures once the pandemic eases up. I love our talks together.

Oh, and, well... there's a new person of interest in the horizon. I think we'll call her Max for reasons. Max & I reconnected a while back over Animal Crossing stuff and started chatting more and more and now there's flirting and hearts and the likes involved. It's nice and lovely and relaxed, and I love not having a need to put a descriptor or name on what we are right now. I hope I get to meet her again soon.

I've written about metamours before, but now that I'm living with a partner who also has multiple partners, I get to interact with my metamours more. It's nice. Can't find a better word for it right now.

(Oh and yes, 2020 has been horrible on soooo many facets of my life but let's just focus on the nice things for now, okay.)

So yes, Metamours! Today Kitty's boyfriend and daughter came over briefly. I've met them a couple times before on different occasions, but this was just me, Kitty and them coming over. I've already noticed a pattern on how my feelings go whenever I interact with my metamours:

-it takes a moment for me to adjust to the situation, but I do enjoy having people over and even though I don't know them too well, they are my friends too.

-hence I usually follow the conversation at first between Kitty and my metamours and slide into the situation with agreeing small comments or by making small notes to have some small interactions with them, as if to "test the ice"

But it's a bit different with offsprings, right? Is it okay for me to keep an eye on them to give Kitty and my meta a breather? Luckily it seems this cub doesn't shy away from me too much, we had fun throwing dry food pellets to the cats and she got to pet them too.

Now all three are out for some quality time and I'm home with the cats, and it feels good. I get some me time to write and I know they are having fun and enjoying themselves and it makes me feel good too.

I feel like owe you all an apology. This hasn't really been a polyam or even relationships blog as of late. More like a dive into my insecurities and a barfing barfing bag for all my ill feelings. That's not what I wanted to happen to this blog, and I don't want you to have to experience all that when it's not what you signed up for. So, sorry. I'm gonna readjust this blogs content a bit and make another blog for all my emotional barf-bagging needs.

Now, getting back to the real content that should reside here, I've had to do a lot of readjusting as of late. This whole maelstorm of emotions, relationships, pandemic, lockdown, plans gone awry and just dealing with a lot... It's heavy. We just gotta roll with the punches. To survive. Our needs and wants change rapidly and adjusting to the new is hard but neccessary.

Lil sunshine took a hard subject up not too long ago. Their needs right now can't be met with me. So, we're not looking into dating anymore. It makes me sad, even though really not much has changed. They still wanna come over and get to know me better, as do I want to go there and do the same. We still love eachother immensly and care after eachother. It's just weirdly sad. Guess I'm just bad at handling rejection, always listening to the voices inciting doom and end of the world.

Living with Kitty has been challenging at times, we're still finding ways to better understand each other. It doesn't really help that we're basically boxed in this small apartment while trying our best to deal with all of this... But the love is there. And that's what really matters.

Thing are as they've been for the longest with Rai. I know she's going through some stuff and needs space and time, and I want her best.