#polycakes

“How can beings so clever create dowels and brackets and chipboard?!”

“Well, I’m not the one who threw everything on the floor.”

Wondering what the H-E-double hockey-sticks this is all about?

WIP cover art for the IKEA-related pornogracomedy The Long Road to Meatballs by polycakes (me and @mrscakeishere; rated Explicit, mind the tags). You'll never look at a dowel the same way again.

Permanently ruin improve the way you see commonplace items like dowels, eclairs, sausages, and autoflush by perusing the Polycakes Rotary International Collaborative Korporation (PRICK) collection on AO3!

"Enjoy a little PRICK!"

Disclaimer: polycakes cannot be held legally accountable for any store- or Ritz-based hankypanky ensuing from the reading of PRICK materials.

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Beta Reviews!

“I just passed the sausages!”

“Omg it really was chipboard!”

“I can't believe you. I just can't.”

Polycakes (me and Polychrome, aka @polychromicron-persei-8) here, proudly hurling the first fanfic grenade in the @goodomensafterdark Smut War with The Long Road To Meatballs (rated Explicit, 4786 words).

Summary and excerpt below!

NSFW CW: light BDSM, butt plugs, oral sex, penis inflation (not in excerpt but on AO3)

The Long Road to Meatballs

After an unfortunate miscommunication regarding the lack of spice in their lives, Aziraphale and Crowley seek out IKEA’s new intimate playroom products for the South Downs cottage. When their purchase—and all 279+ parts—proves too difficult to assemble, Aziraphale and Crowley take matters into their own hands (literally). It's the IKEA comedy smut you never knew you wanted but can't live without.

IKEA had evolved a great deal over the decades, as had Crowley and Aziraphale’s relationship. The Swedish furniture and furnishings company—in a debatably misguided and belated attempt to be a part of the sex-positivity movement—had developed designs for one’s personal intimate playroom, including the TRÄLDOM, BOTÖVNING, and FLATHET series. In addition, the Swedish designers had managed to produce products for each line that incorporated a not insignificant amount of chipboard.[1] This was quite a feat considering that most of the products listed should have been predominantly made of metal, leather, silicone, latex, or fur.[2]

As for Crowley and Aziraphale’s relationship, it had evolved out of a 6000-year drama defined by mutual pining and pegged in by supernatural bureaucracy, into a satisfying pairing filled with safety, stability, and sex. Lovemaking had been glorious and intoxicating, and while it rarely verged into territory that could be considered truly “hedonistic,” both parties were quietly content in their newfound domesticity. But as we both know, dear reader, few things last forever.

And so it was on a mild Tuesday afternoon in the South Downs when an unfortunate exchange concerning Crowley’s cooking planted a seed of doubt in the demon's mind as to whether his angel was truly sexually satisfied.

[1] Note for Americans and other aliens: chipboard is the British term for particle board or low-density fibreboard. Regardless of the term, it is an unsuitable material for any type of sexual activity as it has the ability to absorb moisture like a sponge.

[2] This had led to IKEA ending up in litigation for five years over several regrettable incidents that had occurred with their compressed wooden dildo.

Continue reading on AO3 for Crowley and Aziraphale miscommunications, sex swing assembly complications, witty banter, dowels, sausage jokes, and some first-time sexual experiments: https://archiveofourown.org/works/52376542

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Beta Reviews!

"I can't stop laughing!" "Hot hot hot!!!" "That poor electrical socket looks positively scandalized!"

Polycakes (Me and Polychrome, aka @polychromicron-persei-8) hurled another fanfic grenade into the @goodomensafterdark Smut War with Sensors and Sensibility (rated Explicit, CW: semi-public sex, anal sex). Read on for summary and excerpt!

Sensors and Sensibility

Despite Crowley shooting a little too fast and furious, he and Aziraphale have had a steamy first year.

Soho, on the other hand, is miserable.

Turns out, paranormal coitus has the uncanny ability to interfere with the Internet of Things, playing havoc with smart things throughout the neighbourhood.

In an attempt to solve the “celestial sex problem,” Nina floats the idea of a romantic dinner somewhere far away, selling it as the ideal remedy to boost Crowley’s mojo.

The question is, will some delayed gratification improve their sex lives—and can they keep it in their pants long enough to find out?

Excerpt:

For creatures who had been alive since the beginning of time, Aziraphale and Crowley were embarrassingly inexperienced when it came to sex. Sure, they had seen it—you couldn’t go anywhere during those first seven days on Earth without witnessing Adam and Eve sticking something in one hole or another—but neither angel nor demon had ever partaken in such activities until after the Second Coming.1 As well-established virgins,2 everything was exciting and new; every intimate moment was the best sex that they had ever had.3

Of course, to the well-trained eye, much of what Aziraphale and Crowley engaged in was relatively vanilla, consisting of mundane positions, erratic pacing, flailing limbs, and a higher than usual—but not completely unhealthy—frequency of premature ejaculation.

Regardless of partaking in the sort of lovemaking that would disappoint a beginner voyeur, Aziraphale and Crowley felt satiated. In fact, they were so wrapped up in the thrill of their newfound sex lives and their steamy honeymoon period that they had spent an entire year engaging in sex and very little else.

This had not gone unnoticed by the neighbours.

This was not entirely true. Aziraphale actually had one experience getting his willy sucked while attending Portland Place. He had never had the heart to tell Crowley though, who had taken great pride in believing that he had been Aziraphale’s first time.

Well, Crowley was a virgin.

Even though it was, for the most part, the only sex they had ever had.

Polycakes (me and @polychromicron-persei-8) here, proudly hurling our final grenade in the @goodomensafterdark Smut War.

Let’s finish with a big bang, shall we? And since it is almost springtime, we thought you might enjoy this little return to nature titled, Just Your Garden Variety Kink (rated Explicit).

Summary and excerpt below!

NSFW CW: Anal sex, blow jobs, dirty talk, non-consenting foliage

Just Your Garden Variety Kink

Crowley knows to treat his garden with a good firm hand, but when it comes to his angel, he’s as sweet as pussywillow. And it’s driving Aziraphale barmy. 

If only there was some way to channel some of that discipline his way!

There’s only one option for it, really: Aziraphale will just have to prove to Crowley that he’s the naughtiest, dirtiest flower of all…

“Be kind to one another.” That was what Jesus had taught—and at the level of everyday interpersonal interactions, he had a point. But clearly, Jesus hadn’t considered those of us who were a “certified freak, seven days a week.” Or so Aziraphale thought as he watched Crowley fuss with his plants in the garden, scolding them to bend to his will, and threatening punishment if they misbehaved. If only Crowley would act a little more like that in the bedroom and a little less like…well…Jesus, then perhaps Aziraphale wouldn’t currently be wearing pink lace panties under his trousers and touching himself in their cottage kitchen next to a decorative "Let's Not Get Too Pastry" sign.

Through the window, Aziraphale could hear Crowley reprimanding a European Bishop for daring to grow in the garden.

“Bifora testiculata,” Aziraphale muttered to himself, biting his lip as he cupped his balls, then gave them an experimental swat as Crowley hurled a plastic watering can across the lawn. Aziraphale wondered if Crowley ever spanked his plants, but realised that he probably didn’t. Such an idea didn’t make much sense. He loosened his tie.

Continue on Ao3 for more saucy botanical references and other whorticulture. (Thanks @hakunahistata for that beautiful word).

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Beta reviews!

"Oddly sexy!" "Found this weirdly heartwarming!" "Don't sully that monkey!"

Polychrome (@polychromicron-persei-8) and I are kicking off the Polycakes Rotary International Collaborative Korporation (PRICK) (aka our smut and other goofy collabs) with an Ode to Eclairs (Rated Explicit, 3104 words).

It's our happy NYE weekend gift to you all and our precursor to the @goodomensafterdark smut war coming up January 8th.

Summary and excerpt below! CW: NSFW

An Ode to Eclairs

When Aziraphale and Crowley’s love life gets a little stale, they decide to spice things up with a sexy phone call. Turns out, communication isn’t their strong suit.

Crowley sat next to his phone and thought about Shakespeare. He and the great playwright had been wrong in 1601. While age may not wither Aziraphale, the custom of once-a-week-vanilla-sex-Wednesdays had indeed begun to stale and an infinite variety of intimacy was much needed. He had brought this up to Aziraphale—although not in such eloquent words[1]—and they had agreed to investigate their options and try something new. 

Aziraphale had done all the research, as usual, and after discovering a broad array of kinks and other intimate hijinks, had settled on phone sex. For one thing, it was cheap; there weren't any props to buy, equipment to assemble, or web cameras to set up (or computers to learn for that matter). For another thing, Aziraphale and Crowley had both agreed that it sounded like the simplest activity to try. All it required was talking about sex. No awkward attempts at unusual positions or knowledge about how to appropriately tie a knot. 

What they probably should have considered, however, was that talking—and conversation in general—was not their strong point as a couple. But Crowley wasn’t thinking about that at the moment. He was thinking about what his first words should be, and they had to be good.

[1] In actuality, following several misguided attempts at subtlety, Crowley had simply stated the obvious: “I think we need to have better sex.”

From the people who ruined your journeys to IKEA, Polycakes (me and @polychromicron-persei-8) presents:

Sensors and Sensibility

(Explicit, mind the tags)

Looking for smut with horticultural shenanigans?

Who isn't, amirite?

Well, look no further as we (me and @polychromicron-persei-8) are sharing another excerpt from Just Your Garden Variety Kink (Rated Explicit, mind the tags).

This is one of three excerpts that will be shared highlighting each of the flora that appear in the story. You can read it under the cut!