#poly parenting

My husband & I have been together for 7 years & last year I let him know that I was interested in trying out polyamory. I started a long distance relationship with another man who was also poly & checked in with my husband before any new decisions were made. Over months my partner decided he wanted to try committing to just me & broke up with his primary. He couldn't commit fully though, there were lies & cheating so I ended it. Then found out I am pregnant with his baby. Any advice?

Everything gets much more high-stakes when there is a pregnancy involved. The first thing you need to do is figure out what you want to do about the pregnancy. I recommend visiting with your doctor or heading to a Planned Parenthood to talk about your options, what you need to do to take care of your health, etc.

You also need to talk to your husband about what he wants to do. Some people, like me, are strongly of the belief that genetics do not a family make, so it could be that he is excited and wants to raise the child - or he could feel more ambivalent. It is unfair to bring a child into a situation where one of the people responsible for co-parenting is struggling with the facts of the child’s existence, so this is critical to work out if you plan to have and parent the baby. You should also talk to the father of the baby, even though you two are no longer together - there are various ways this co-parenting relationship could go, and you need to figure out what’s best for everyone involved. Consider seeing a therapist who specializes in co-parenting and “unconventionall” families.

I have no idea what your values and preferences are around pregnancy and abortion, but know that you do have options, and that they are your choices. There are two other people involved who are likely going to have strong feelings about the pregnancy, and they are entitled to those strong feelings, and it is healthy for you to consider and discuss them - but, ultimately, it’s your pregnancy. If someone wants you to abort, and you don’t want to, they cannot force you, and you should take distance from anyone pressuring you. If someone wants you to continue the pregnancy, and you want to abort, that is your call.

There are a lot of ways this could shake out; here are just a handful that could happen:

Your husband could decide he isn’t up to this, but you want to raise the baby, so you become a single mom

Your husband could decide he does want to raise the baby, and you two become parents, with minimal involvement from biological father

The biological father could decide he wants to be involved, so you work out a multi-parent arrangement that doesn’t require you to be in a romantic relationship

You could decide you don’t want to raise the baby but the biological father does, so he takes full custody after the birth

You could decide to place the baby for adoption

You could choose to terminate the pregnancy

Feeling grateful for the love and support in my life!

Quad Mom Squad rolled out this weekend. We toured a historically accurate 16th century ship Friday, then today we went to the beach with Tinkers sister and buried Cook Mom in sand. (We have assigned names to ourselves. I amTooth Mom, S is Tech Mom, then Cook Mom and Pastry Mom.)

Figuring it out together.

No, you’re not over reacting. Your feelings are your feelings, and you get to have them. Someone else might not care about this. But you do. 

The first step is to talk to your partner about this. Tell them what makes you feel concerned: “If you’re planning to get pregnant, I feel like I should be included in the conversation about that decision. Can we talk about how this impacts me?” Hopefully that conversation goes well and you two can take a more collaborative position on this.

In the end, though, there’s a big difference between “I feel like this situation deeply involves me” and “You need my permission to get pregnant.” You don’t get to make that call for someone else, and if they say “Nope, I don’t want or need to take your input into consideration, I am going to get pregnant or not based on what I want,” that is their right.

- an exploration into the extra relationships that polyamory causes.

I have this relationship with a young woman in the periphery of my life. She's my ex girlfriend's stepdaughter, but that oversimplifies our relationship.

Anita and I are co-parents with a lean toward friendship after we recovered from the wounds of our relationship. So this young lady isn't just my x's stepdaughter, she's my younger children's sibling.

I am not heavily involved in her life but we occasionally are going to intersect in family outings. When we plan to take the kids on milestone vacations she'll have an invite as much as my eldest Tim will. My children are going to be invested in getting her birthday, Christmas, graduation presents.

It's safe to say that while I will never have authority over her I am still invested in her success and happiness. I find her a sweet and likable girl. She is working on imaging her relationship with Katy and Sawyer. If there were an emergency and someone tapped me I'd be right on the way to help.

Like step child once removed??