#pointytilly

unlearn the fucking [internalized/straight up] ableism not the stims (/probably Bad Advice to most people's standards, but one of those things felt too strongly about to not get a sort of tetchy-passionate over)

You're already not-boring! /not just trying to be nice (And comfort zone...in what sorts of areas/respects, or is not knowing that the trouble?)

lot of ways.  my desire:  be like when under the influence of certain substances much more of the time.

to be open, friendly, to be vulnerable and to grab opportunities without hesitation.  

instead of that’s risky and won’t work

maybe do that?  it didn’t turn out great?  maybe do this, instead?  that was great!  let’s extend it further!  wow, things are amazing!

I want to be more comfortable with people, in public, taking risks, trying for things that might cost me or just fail or go wrong or make me look terrible but might pay off big.

There might be some Cool German or AMERICAN SOLDIER! types (like Hermann and Karl) because Zoids likes that, especially...sometimes quite uncomfortable references to WWII-era Germany (the Karltiger HMM box. just.), but its naming also makes no sense originwise, and Hermann and Karl looking like such was distinguishing enough for their character notes, imo that also implies white germanic dude is NOT default in at least CC and everyone points at it for military so...

I dunno man maybe it’s because I was really young growing up with those character designs and such, and later down the road just beginning to see the influences behind them and the anime’s themes in general and-- by now I’ve become jaded so I don’t nitpick it? And this is really a shit excuse but anime just isn’t the same as live-action so for some reason I’m more pissed about which way a live-action production would go, if any.

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I love how the animation in Rurouni Kenshin can go...

Netflix has some of it too! just wish it had closed captions on the English audio version too :(. but do liek anyway

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one of my goals has been to be able to replicate...

Overall I find feelings are often framed as automatically kneejerk/thoughtless (ignoring, say, someone who’s really intuitive people smart but can’t articulate it in Proper Words, or upset over longterm things they’ve thought on plenty) or Less Correct versus Logic, ignoring that a) people are made of feels and trying to operate and decision like they’re not is inaccurate and going to work poorly and b) it’s /very/ easy to make biased bullshit sound good and logical.

my mom has always been very much like that.

I used to be very dismissive because of how obviously far out she sometimes was?  like seeing powdered donut sugar in the back of the car as meth?  or thinking the people at the store were giving her the evil eye because the chain was owned by mormons and they hated christians?

but

a lot of the time there is Something There’s she’s pointing at.  like with diesel.  

her bayesian pattern matching is sometimes really effective, even if she doesn’t have a support chain to back it up.  and I am getting a lot better at extracting meaning from patterns or finding what caused the feeling rather than rules lawyering the logic chain the person uses to support it.

this is a rather extreme example so I feel like I am maligning the idea unfairly and I don’t want to give that impression.  but I don’t have that intent - even for mom many times she ends up being more correct than dad who is super educated and often has relatively solid logic 

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I am really happy  I am really confident in...

hey, I didn’t know you did the flappy thing. I found drawing all the fsck over everything keeps my hands busy in a more…socially acceptable way, not sure if that’s doable where you are. IF YOU NEED pocket notebook recs um, I have. a few. (don’t worry about the quality of drawings, either, so long as it worksml/is enjoyable. most art especially when learning looks wonky anyway :p.)

I don’t like drawing.  It’s something about the mind-hand-pen connection.  It is too SLOW and dysfunctional for the resolving-feeling 

things that do work:

1. typing

2. mouse movement with a decent mouse 

I don’t even know what my sexuality did other than go from nnnnope to yes dammit

I think a lot of people are stuck because they are like

“I was here and I am supposed to be here??? like I had problems because people expected me to be “X”, and I was “Y” but now I am “Z” and that is NOT EITHER!  so what do I do now I don’t want to be a Betrayer.

I think the good thing is to just accept?  like, “it is ok if I am X it is OK if I am Y and if I am Z I will figure that out”