#poffails

POF GUY: hi A I’m going 2 smash ur back door in.

ME: Uh yeah, no you’re really not.

POF Guy: Wanna bet babe?

ME: Actually yes. I’ve got a pretty good alarm system. Two tiered actually.

POF GUY: What a dog?

ME: Well yeah I *do* have a dog. She’s ferocious when needs be. Plus she’s spoilt rotten so she’s kinda possessive over me.

POF GUY: What kind?

ME: A chihuahua.

POF GUY: Lmfao. K. What is ur Otha part of alarm? I can disable alarms like in cars and houses.

ME: Probably not the best thing to be admitting here. But no, nothing like that. Smashing my back door in- if you are being metaphorical- will be as messy as fuck.

POF GUY: Nah babe, not messy. Ur just not doing it rite. It’s not messy.

ME: Oh it is!

POF GUY: Trust me hey?

ME: Can I make a confession?

POF GUY: K.

ME: It will be messy because of my issue. It all started with a dodgy Indian curry that was so damn bad I sharted and blew my arse out. Like legit blew it out. It flew out. So I’ve got this thin plastic fake butt instead.

POF GUY: WTF

ME: Yeah it’s embarrassing I know.

POF GUY: Ur 1 fucked up bitch.

ME: Harsh. Anyways so when can I expect you? Do you drink tea? I’ll put the kettle on?

POF GUY: Ur the most fucked up bitch I met on here an there r some very fucked up bitches. Stupid arse bitch.

ME: Not entirely sure why I’m fucked up. Sure my arse is a little fucked up what with being a fake plastic butt and all but I sued the buggers and made a fortune so I may be a little fucked up but I’m richly so. Which is why I could afford a customised butt- lovely glitter and swaoraki crystals and just an all round pretty butt. And I’m not the one who’s just admitted to planning to commit a crime......

POF GUY: I’ll commit 2 crimes- smashing ur back door in and kicking ur bitch arse!

ME: Clever. I like to also leave evidence of any crimes I plan to commit on social media (like a fb status saying off to egg a house) or on online dating sites like tinder asking if anyone wants to come steal a car with me. Oh wait- no I don’t! Cos I’m not a fucking moron! Did I tell you about my other prosthetic? This time an eye. There was this annoying as fuck blow fly driving me nuts and I was trying to swipe at it with a fly swatter. No luck so I swapped to an electrified tennis racquet type thing. Well I got the fly but the fucker rebounded off it and hit me in the eye which was then electrocuted and died. So I have a fake eye as well as fake arse.

POF GUY: Why do u talk so much crap? Ur eye is as real as ur ass.

ME: You are quite right- my eye is as real as my arse. They are both equally fake. Unfortunately you can’t exactly bedazzle an eye like you can a fake butt. :(

POF GUY: k u need 2 fuck off now. Ur not funny just a fuckwad.

ME: You don’t have to be so discriminatory. I applied to be in the Paralympic thinking a fake butt and fake arse would qualify me but would you believe they said no?!?!

POF GUY: yeh I’m shocked

ME: So I cut off my foot. Well not me exactly. I had to get surgeons to cut it off and they don’t cut off healthy limbs for no reason. So basically I had to get the foot fucked up. Took a lot of work. Now I have a fake foot too- it’s actually wooden because it made me feel slightly like a pirate. But you’ll never guess what happened next?

POF GUY: u got comitted and put in padded cell?

ME: Nope. They *still* won’t let me compete! I mean I’m no athlete. No expert in any sport. But still why can’t I?

POF GUY: Should b able 2 4 being fucked in the head hey?

ME: Really? You think?

POF GUY: Yeh.

ME: Awesome idea! I’ll ring them about it tomorrow. Thank you soooo much. Are you still planning on visiting?