#podquest

And I’m getting discharged tomorrow. Not to go home home, but to a short-term rental my parents and I were able to find in Hayes Valley. I hope to stay there as short as possible, working as hard as I can to gain strength and get back to the Sunset apartment. I miss the neighborhood. I miss my room. I miss the 19th Avenue traffic, even. I miss Amanda, and Felix, and Avi the avocado tree.

I miss Rachel, and the life we had going the last few months. That last morning right before I fell, we ate breakfast and did a little of the New York Times crossword and we were smiling and appreciating the sun coming in through the windows, and everything felt right. Even hopeful. I had so much hope. Minutes later, I was sprawled in front of the apartment, interspersing my screams of pain with apologies for falling and for all the consequences that entailed.

And I’ve spent the last month spending that hope and losing that hope. I actually have had a net gain of red blood cells and I think even muscle mass (though my left arm’s probably going to feel pretty weak once I’m allowed to start using it again). But as far as outlook goes, I’m sad and scared and tired and empty.