Personal time: lately I've been getting so self conscious about my colour and i always try and tell myself that i’m overreacting and that i cant change my skin colour anyway but some days i just sit there thinking about how different my life would be if i was white. I feel like people judge me and get a different opinion about me just bc i’m brown and it sucks bc i always feel like i’m not going to get a boy/girlfriend at school - and when everyone does rates and shit on instagram i always feel that i get lower rates bc i’m brown and it sounds so stupid but sometimes i just cant think sensibly. and even when i do think that i’m pretty and especially when i take a really hot selfie and feel confident about it, i never get as many comments as my friends and i always feel deep down that my face and body are beautiful, but people would only realize that if i was white. Sometimes i feel it all comes down to me comparing myself to others. my little squad of best friends at school are all white and they’re all so beautiful and i love them so much, they always tell me i’m beautiful and i truly appreciate them but each one of them has multiple people asking them out and having crushes on them... and then there’s me. not one person. I've never had a boy call me hot - ever. i feel like i always need validation and i get it from my friends but i never get it from boys... girls at school call me pretty but they’re all straight so i know it’s not in a romantic way which sucks... it’s mainly that last point that gets me - all my friends, every single one of them, get comments from boys saying they’re hot and i never get one. It makes me feel so upset that maybe if was white people would see that i am beautiful. i feel like being brown covers up my beauty and no one notices if my eyebrows are on fleek, or whether my makeup looks really good. I also feel that i can never pull off clothing that everyone else is wearing.. even when i feel dolled up and cute i always feel like i’m being judged. especially when i’m in public i try so hard and it’s so pointless bc i still feel like an idiot. I never felt like this before but ever since i got to secondary school people have made comments that seem so harmless but they effect me so much. for example some guy said ‘I've never seen a girl with sideburns before’. i have some hairgrowth by my ears, so it looks like sideburns - its one of the things that i’m most self conscious about. sometimes i just go home and sit looking into the mirror wasting time.. just thinking about how things would be different. I love my looks and my body but i always have that small feeling in the back of my head thinking ‘none of this matters bc im brown so people don’t think i’m pretty’. it all sounds irrational but at the same time it all makes sense and i hate it so much.
