Too long to So Long.
Trigger Warning.
Everybody is facing something. There are people Better off and worse off but for now, I don't think I can take it. If I kill myself tonight, it doesn't mean my pain is more than yours, it just means I lost the energy to put up with it. The only reason, I am alive after my first suicide attempt is because I don't want fake ass people to say that they could've saved me because they weren't fucken there when I needed them in the first place. That's disrespectful to the fucken dead you assholes. No as of now, I donot consider anybody as a close friend and I don't consider anybody family. Everybody can fuck off and kill themselves too. I say that I don't care about anybody when I'm mad but I'm the only one who cares. 2019 has been so though in comparison to 2018, but I couldn't feel it because people don't fucken Allow me to feel. Apparently Being upset doesn't suit me? That's what they have to say. They look at me as a constant source of entertainment and can't deal with the fact that my life is imperfect. My self harm scars have healed but every other day, the same people ask me about my scars and I tell them I cut my hand over a boyfriend and laugh it off saying I've never had a boyfriend. The truth is, I have had boyfriends and no I haven't cut myself because of them(probably once but I don't blame them because the trigger is inside me). I used to cut because I was so annoyed at myself and I didn't know how to remove the anger. I'd hit myself, punch the wall, cut myself to the point where I was addicted and I had so many cuts on my hand but nobody at my house noticed. NOBODY. We're three fucken people under one roof with no privacy. How did they not? I didn't want them to but they never bothered to ask. Every time I was upset I got yelled at. I can't even write this enough. Just fuck it. Leaving this story halfway will open my situation up to more criticism but at this point, I honestly cannot handle typing everything out in rage. It's too much. My therapist gave up on my parents. She terminated my sessions without giving me a heads up. I went we discussed and that was the last time I saw her. I had to block that thought because therapy was my constant where I could measure my growth. One of my friends assaulted me, physically while blackmailing me and forcing me to drink. When I told this to another friend of mine, he questioned me instead of just being there for me in the moment and he wanted me to go meet her again and sort it out because he thought when I said physically assault I wasn't serious. Just. I know I'll make it through the night but I'm really tired. I just want to be able to have one less problem. The situation is genuinely out of my control and I will have to make heavy compromises inorder to barely make it through. I don't think I'll survive this year. I'm grateful for all I've had and I will continue being grateful even if things are taken away but I'm hanging on by a thread here and it will snap, soon.
