Hey so i'm sad and want to put effort in/towards Playerless so heres a little fanfic about the cast.
"Noah's boy sunny side up on a waft." Summary: Bane was used to his burnt toast and Sal's magically toxic eggs by now. When Faye took over cooking duties he felt like he needed to do something to compensate.
The Club House has a kitchen. It gets used... a lot. Properly? That's another question. When Bane arrived he didn't take much care of it, seeing it as his and his alone- and he was all alone here. The mindscape filled the ice box with food and he understood what the stove did. He cooked before in at least two campaigns but... he didn't like talking about it.
So the burnt scraps of meat and eggs charred into ash instead of being scraped out into a trash bin, the dishes were only cleaned when he needed them, and he ate where he liked. It didn't take a genius to point at the mess he was living in and confirm he wasn't feeling great about being abandoned here.
And Sal showed up. She's a tabaxi bard and she didn't understand a single thing he said- not that they both didn't know common, but more... mechanical.
"How many cantrip slots do you have?" he asked, trying to understand the power dynamic. "How many?" she tilted her head to the left, a perpetual smile on her face. "Are you limited?" she says with a toothy grin.
That night when she goes into the kitchen to make herself a meal he watched her turn a whole fish into a sausage like substance and then boil it. This somehow made the kitchen smell like vinegar for a week. And then when she set a plate in front of him with the fish paste link he tried, threw it up, turned purple, and decided he wouldn't eat her cooking anymore.
She points out how dirty the kitchen is and he feels guilty. She cleans it up with her endless supply of cantrips and he suddenly feels like a burden. One night he lies awake and stares at the ceiling, thinking too much and accepting every negative thought he has until he his a sort of wall in his thoughts; he can't get over the idea that The Player made Sal to compensate for his short comings.
The thought cements itself in his mind when Akui shows up.
Shes huge, strong, and clumsy. She doesn't have to duck because The Clubhouse changed to fit her. A garden crops up over the coarse of three days and she brings in herbs and vegetables. She admits to never really giving cooking a try, but she knows the basics and figures if she puts a bunch of basic things together she can make a meal.
She puts some chopped vegetables in a frying pan and pours some eggs she mixed in a bowl over them. it isn't bad, it tastes like eggs and veg, and it wasn't burnt. Bane helps clean up.
Akui is a yakfolk she explains- think a minotaur but magical. She doesn't know how to use any of her magic but she knows how to use a bow, large swords, tridents. She laments the only part of her armory she has is her armor and shield, not the weapons.
"I don't think I need them." she says one night over (Sal's) dinner, poking the jelly like orange substance. "Whats "them" here?" Bane says, choking down his food. it at least tastes like citrus. Akui picks up the plate and takes a gentle bite of the substance. "My weapons." she sets the plate back down and grimaces. "They -up- they aren't needed if there isn't any threats."
No threats. The mindscape is peaceful and they have no want for food. That night Bane lies awake and stares out his window, wondering what he is supposed to do with all this magic, all these powers, every tool and object he ever so much touched in the three campaigns he was in if there isn't a threat.
weeks go by and Bane sees Sal and Akui resign themselves to eating his burnt food. He hates it, decides he is no longer on cooking duty but will help prep food for the two of them. This means he is in the kitchen every night, chopping, washing, tenderizing, and sometimes seasoning. He washes the dishes too. It makes him think less about the fact that The Player made another character, this one even less magical than him and Sal.
Fran arrives and he hates her. She complains about everything and then clings to him because they're both necromancers. She goes on and on about anatomy and ligaments, about how fascinating it all is, expecting him to agree and expound his own theories and methods. He asks her if her minions like music and she looks at him like he just asked her opinion on the three horns he just grew.
The gnome can't cook so she joins Bane in prep duty. every night. He is convinced she does know how to cook and is probably good at it, but this means she gets to talk to him more.
"I want to try Bane's cooking." she says, shoving Sal's fish sausage aside. "I can't cook." Bane says, dipping the fish in a wine sauce he read about. It doesn't help. "Sure you can!" Fran purrs and presses into his side. "You just haven't tried! Letting the ladies do all the cooking~."
He wants to scream. He can feel a wave of anger that makes his control over a few spells waver. Fran pats his arm and assures him its only natural for men to be less confident when the women in their life take responsibility from him. He could grab her hand and drain her of her life force right now-
"He burns everything he cooks." Sal chimes in. "He feels bad about it so unlike some people we don't bring it up." her constant smile feels malicious as she focuses on Fran.
Fran sputters and refuses to believe Bane could make anything except five star meals. He stands from the table and Akui tries to stop him but he marches into the kitchen. Akui reaches for the kitchen door and it magicly shuts. He can hear Sal telling Fran how insensitive she is, how she should leave Bane alone, that he is doing this to hurt himself more than prove anything to her.
He stares at the piece of fish smoking in the pan as those words settle in his mind. He'll give Sal credit where it's due- she is really good at reading people.
When he leaves the kitchen he drops the plate in front of Fran- "fish and butter sauce or whatever."- and doesn't stop moving. He ignores the three of them and goes to his room, locks the door, and forces himself to sleep.
the next day Fran leaves him alone long enough that he can step outside, take a breath of fresh air, and lay in the grass.
He looses track of time again. days maybe weeks or months go by before Faye arrives. The kitchen changes and he isn't sure what most of the things in it are- Fran thinks she does and Akui is the first to poke the box sitting on the counter. it hums loudly and a light comes on before it goes off and makes a beep.
"Well aren't you lot sweet!" Faye smiles and hugs Sal. "With that kind of greeting I would have thought you came out just to check the ice!"
It takes a while to learn about Faye. She isn't from the kind of campaigns they're from, shes from a different system entirely and doesn't function with their understanding of mechanics. She sees the kitchen and looks around.
"Don't even think of asking Bane to cook for you." Fran says. Faye raises a brow. "Short cake why would I ask him to cook for me?" "Because she asked him and found out the hard way why he doesn't cook." Sal says, standing next to Faye.
the argument starts and Bane shows Faye the strange box that appeared moments before she did. She explains its one of those "new fangled microwaves" and she won't need it, but they were free to use it. She opens a closet and cheers, seeing a apron with her name on it and asks when was the last time anyone ate.
Faye makes dinner that night and Bane helps prep. it doesn't go well.
"Okay I need a bossy in a bowl for Fran, can you get me some beef broth?" Faye says, chopping some veg. "A what in- beef broth, i knew that word." Bane opens the fridge. "While you're in there get the baby juice." "I'm sorry we have WHAT?"
Bane is shooed out because he is slowing down Faye -"you're whistling Dixie, sugar."-. He is half tempted to just conjure food from now on if this is going to be how every night goes.
Dinner is beef stew for Fran, a Tuna sandwich for Sal, a Ham and Egg sandwich for Bane, and a burger with lettuce, tomato, onion, cheese, pickles, ketchup, mustard, and fried potato on the side for Akui. Faya made a plate of baked beans and toast.
Faye explains she worked in a diner -a soup jockey- during the day and was a super hero by night. her campaign was "set in The Player's 1940s" so she understood some things but not everything. The things she says are slang and she would try and explain herself better but its all the player gave her before coming here. "I wasn't in the campaign for longer than five sessions."
Bane stays up thinking about that. A campaign ending in five sessions? Did The Player leave early? did something happen?
Instead of thinking about it he gets up in the middle of the night and wanders into the kitchen. He doesn't see any dirty dishes, he was hoping Faye at least needed help with that, so he dirties some.
He burns the sausage and chars the pan. Uses more knives then necessary just so there's more to clean. He drowns the burnt meat in a sauce he makes with wine and butter. it doesn't taste good but he doesn't care as he scrubs the bowls.
"Sugar, shouldn't you be getting some shuteye?" A yawn snaps Bane out of his haze. Bane pauses and looks up from the pan. "Couldn't sleep..." Faye undoes a bonnet and puts it on the hook her apron is on. "Wanna learn how to cook?" Bane turns back to scrubbing the pan. He doesn't answer. "Aw sugar, don't be embarrassed- here." Faye comes up beside him and takes the sponge and pan. "Get three foods you like out of the fridge. preferably breakfast." "Its not that early, is it?" Bane looks out the window and sees darkness. Faye laughs. "Kitchen opens at 5am, diner at 6."
Bane grabs two eggs, some slices of ham, and bread. He debates the cheese and decides it will only make him frustrated if it burned.
"Okay," Faye sets the clean pan on the stove. "Can you get me a smear?" and points at the butter tray. Bane nods, handing her the butter. "Ace, now we take it-" she puts a pat of butter on the pan and it starts to sizzle. "-let it shimmer before breaking the kids." "Faye its too early for this..." Bane rubs his face. he picks up one of the eggs after considering all that he brought out. "Eggs." "You're a good heart, Sugar." she takes the egg. "Sal told me. Akui too. but if you want to be accommodating, meet people half way."
He knows shes right. He just wish it didn't feel like he was being thrown into the deep in. He goes along with it, watches her break the egg into the pan -no shells, yoke whole- and they cook. When they're cooked she puts them on a plate and motions at the bread. she puts the first slice in the pan and it toasts as the bread absorbs the left over butter. the ham goes in and she is showing him the dials on the stove, pointing out how high the flame is. She flips the ham and when its done it goes on top of the toast. the second slice of bread toasts in the ham grease and when its done the stove is off and she slides the egg on top of the ham and makes a sandwich.
"Hand me that chopper." she points at a knife. "chopper. cause it chops." Bane says, handing over the silverware. Faye nods and cuts his sandwich. "You got it!" she gives him the plate. "Eat up and make me one."
Bane startles at that. He eats his ham and egg sandwich at the dinning room table. Sal slinks out of her room and cat stretches on the floor, flopping onto her side. Bane worries he'll have to cook for her too. and then he worries that he is going to give Faye burnt food.
"I can't do this." he says, putting his plate in the sink. "Then don't." Faye says and starts chopping something.
Bane watches and that feeling of wanting to help takes hold. He magics the pan clean, rests the pan on the stove, sets the flame to low, and grabs the butter.
He makes the eggs -no shells, but the yoke broke- and forgets to flip the toast. The ham is burnt on one side and he takes the half toasted bread and toasts the other side with the ham grease. Faye is making omelettes and puts bread in a small box next to the microwave. a minute later, omelet done, toast pops out and lands on the plate. rinse and repeat.
"It makes toast?" Bane asks, looming over the device. he flinches when more toast pops up. "Yup." Faye puts the toast on the final plate. "But making it in the pan is tastier."
Bane watches her leave the kitchen and realizes she gave him an out of seeing her eat the food he made. he ate first, doesn't have to sit with the others, has dishes to wash. He is torn between taking it and accepting his fate.
He puts the dish towel on the counter and goes out to the living room, sits on the couch, and watches from there as everyone eats.
Faye unsandwiches her meal, dips the toast in the runny yoke and eats it that way. She takes a bite of egg, ham, and toast. The table is talking about omelettes and Faye talks in that odd lingo and slang.
But she cleans her plate. and that makes him feel better.
Whenever it's Faye's turn in the kitchen she teaches him new meals. basic skills. Bane and Akui combine those skills one day and make pasta for everyone.
"See Bane? Just needed someone to-" Fran starts before Faye snorts a laugh. "What?" "sorry, short cake, you're just so cute being khaki wacky." Faye says. "Khaki Wa- what strange langurage are you using?" Fran puts her hands on the table enough to put her in a standing position in her chair. "Just english, cookie." Faye says. "After wall it wasn't just Bane who made this."
Bane hides his smile behind a mouthful of pasta as Fran struggles to think of a compliment for Akui. when dinner ends Faye taps his arm.
"I don't want you thinking you can't cook now, Sugar." Faye pats him on the back. "Thanks Faye." Bane scratches the back of his neck. "Uhh... and thanks for showing me how to cook." "Anytime." Faye walks off towards her room. "Now lets teach you how to make some midnight whistleberries on a shingle!"
Bane sighs. He doesn't know what that is but he thinks he'll have fun finding out.
