#planktontexts

Literally nothing went according to plan, there were many dark moments when I thought that life is simply suffering. I felt alone and overwhelmed and I withdrew from social media and from life bc what was the point?

My family is well and healthy, the crisis has passed and we all survived it. I try to let go of past resentments and look at the now of us, which I never seemed to appreciate before. We are here, we are alive and we are all a work in progress. It is so difficult sometimes to focus on that, when life is fast-paced and I try to think of every possible scenario that might happen in the future.

It has been my constant obsessive thought, the future, to the point of neglecting my present. But I’m learning to fight it on so many levels. Future plankton can take care of herself, current plankton needs to eat well, sleep well and be happy!

How easy it is to say “be happy” but how fleeting it is as a feeling. I felt very very happy this year, more so than any other year I’ve been alive. Even when happiness was sandwiched between the sads, it was there, sparkling!

I walked my dog everyday, in the forest, with his two bodyguards (our two stray cats, Aziraphale & Crowley) meowing behind us. They kept me company when I washed my tools with the hose, waiting patiently to be petted by my cold hands in the end.

The sun in my face, clay on my hands. Painting with watercolours after abstaining for years. Running with Kohta Yamamoto playing on my headphones. Learning to meditate. Books, ceramics, comics, art, alone or with other people.

My bestie was always waiting with coffee, gossip, ideas and laughter and I love her so so much. I really appreciated the company and the sympathetic ears when I needed to cry about the world. My other irl friends were amazing too, I was never alone. My brain tried to convince me I was, but I wasn’t. I was teacher, friend, daughter, sister, helper.

And I accomplished so much! I won’t share what, for a reason. I accomplished a lot and I am proud but my biggest success has been letting go. I’m an overachiever ok? I like working and being good at what I do and my biggest flaw is overworking myself to the point of burnout, to prove to myself that I’m worth the love I receive, the attention. Look at me, I am bright and hardworking and pleasant, love me love me love me. But I receive the love and the care nonetheless, and I want to remember that. I am loved because I am me, and I am who I am because I am very, very loved.

And this is the energy I wanna bring into my 33s, into 2024. I am loved deeply and I love deeply and I care. Numbing myself, trying to avoid the hurts and the sadness only numbs the joy, the quirkiness, the sheer weirdness of existence. If I fail, I will try again, if I cry, I will laugh again.

I hope you are all healthy this year, and happy. I hope you notice the sunrises and the sunsets, the flowers and the birds and the seasons.

I don’t know if I will be more online this year or not. Being online takes time I would rather give to me, well, being present in my life. I haven’t decided yet which socials to keep, how often to post, how to reduce doom scrolling without going offline. It’s a work in progress.

I have mixed feelings about my 29th year, as you can probably imagine. It has been both my most introverted and most productive year.

Work was absolute hell. It moved like a pendulum between “so busy I’m skipping meals” and “on a state stipend because of the quarantine”. The good thing that happened is that I decided to revamp my portfolio & pursue more creative work. I looked at my creations and loved them which hasn’t happened in decades (thank you, my therapist).

The photo I used for my CV

I didn’t draw much this year BUT I loved all of my drawings. I started doing studies which I haven’t done since uni. I also realised that my relationship with art wasn’t healthy; I used drawing as a coping mechanism, to avoid thinking, to avoid having any kind of personal life. I was either drawing or working, which made art less enjoyable and more of a chore. I had severe burnout for most of the year (I’m still feeling it, tbh) so I tried to not push myself too much and instead enjoy it more. It worked! Drawing feels like healing now, slowly but surely. I intend to get back to doing comics soon.

Some procreate studies from my own photos

There was an explosion of personal growth, in therapy and out of it. Quarantines gave me a lot of time to think about stuff, to work out my feelings. I learnt to manage my anxiety better, I set limits to my relationships, I had several deep conversations with people close to me. I came out to my bro and started socialising in LGBT+ circles for the first time in my life. Being sociable and open with people doesn’t come naturally to me so it’s been an uphill battle. Quarantine put a damper on things but... I’m much more ready to be open now. I’ve never felt more ready for it.

For the first time, the outside matches my inside. T-shirt says “ACE in your face!”

I started new hobbies! I ordered a kalimba during the first quarantine and I’ve been teaching myself several songs. I... enjoy it so much. I hadn’t played an instrument since primary school and I feel a childlike joy every time I manage to play a song correctly. The first song I learned is Unrestrained (Wuji) from The Untamed.

My kalimba is so pretty and it sounds like angels singing

I also took a ceramics class between quarantines. It was so much fun and unlocked my imagination! I felt my relationship with drawing was stagnating, this gave me the creative break that I needed. I had to stop due to the second quarantine, but I intend to continue after it ends and I have so many ideas for new projects. I might even start selling my creations!

My first attempt! I kept it as a paperweight

I also moved from my small dingy aquarium to a larger one. It was a stressful move but my fish, shrimps and plants are doing so much better now! I had a few deaths and a bout of fish illness (which necessitated the move in the first place), but we all came out stronger and I feel like a proud parent. They are all my babies and they deserve the best.

The new aquarium is like a villa compared to the old one XD

I’ve been having health problems that stressed me for most of the year and resulted in a trip to the ER in August. Being stressed exacerbated it, which made me more stressed and.... yeah. It sucks. Working out helps (and was encouraged by my doctor) so.... I started running! And yoga, via an app. And I bought a bicycle. I haven’t enjoyed being active since I was a child, it is so much fun! I’m not an athlete by any means, but it’s a very nice distraction.

The sunset from the running track

I could keep writing, this year was very full of good and bad things, but I’ll stop here.

This past year has been both harder and easier, it brought a lot of changes, stress, heartache and loneliness, but it was still better than 2018.

I finally cut my hair short! I loved it, I felt more like myself than ever!

I’ve been in therapy for almost a year now, it has helped a lot. It helped me realise how many things I was doing just to avoid thinking about me, my body or my soul, how much I worked and I neglected my health because of it. It wasn’t easy to admit all this to myself, that I’ve been treating myself badly for so long it became the norm for me. I am now slowly and consistently working towards being healthier mentally and physically. The hardest part was realising that you don’t need to be actively harmful to be neglectful.

At Athens Pride, it was explosive this year!

On the other hand, I made a true effort towards healthier relationships! I managed to set boundaries and enforce them, came clear about things that I wanted or things that bothered me. There was a lot of growth on personal level and I’m proud of myself. I hope I can continue this way.

I saw Florence and The Machine live and I still haven’t recovered. It was an Experience

I am very thankful for my friends and my family, who really made an effort this year! I know I haven’t been the best company, but your support means a lot to me! We had a lot of sunny days, outings, coffee breaks, heartfelt conversations together. I look forward to another year of those!

I traveled to Rome to meet a friend for the first time irl! SO MUCH FUN!

I also took a short road trip with friends to a nearby island, it was very calm and pretty

I’ve been giving myself more time and quiet moments to process things without forced socialising. More quality Aspa time I guess. It’s done wonders to my self esteem and my sanity, heh!

Spent quality time with my dog, Cookie

Started a fully planted aquarium, did lots of research, now I get hypnotised by my fish and plants dancing

About my comic and drawing in general, it has been hard. The first part of the year was me working frantically to meet up the comic con deadlines, and the second part had me looking blankly at the screen trying to think of something to draw. I haven’t drawn anything more than silly sketches in months, I haven’t written for my comic in months.

My table at my first con! It was a major success, I met so many interesting people!

I feel guilty about it, but sometimes it is what it is. I am not giving up but evidently I needed a break. I will return at some point, but I’m trying not to force myself to do things just for the sake of it. I want to be passionate and caring about my work, right now that’s not the first thing on my mind and that’s ok.

I got into Mo Dao Zu Shi and The Untamed, which was fun but didn’t quite manage to rekindle my passion for art

I’ve also realised how much time I spend on social, just silently scrolling, instead of doing literally anything else. I will be reducing my online presence to just a few hours per week and I promised myself I will be completely offline for the weekends. It drains me too much.

I’ve been spending a lot of time at the National Garden instead, so peaceful

So. Officially 28. Goodbye 27, you sucked. This past year was.... hard. I struggled a lot, felt sad for most of it and often wished for a break. I usually try to see the good side of things, but it didn’t work most of the time. My most important achievement is that I survived, so there.

Some of the good stuff: I got my driving license (with mixed success, I’m a ball of anxiety when driving but it’s a work in progress), I traveled to Warsaw and had a blast, traveled to Crete and ate a LOT. I also worked pretty hard, as my boss says. I worked more on my webcomic and also managed to complete both Mermay & Inktober. I made more plant friends and started an aquarium too (still a work in progress).

The bad stuff: I finally realised that the way I handle human relations sucks, and it needs to change. It’s partly ‘cause I have anxiety and partly because of some behavioural patterns I’m trying hard to break. I felt very lonely for most of 2018. It’s been a year of self-discovery, but I’ll try hard to make 2019 a year of self-love. I def need to love myself more, so that other people can love me too.