#pjg

So uh-

I think i found my new favorite game

i’m not very familiar with the concept of loving another being in a way that’s non-platonic. well, i am but i have never had a crush on somebody that actually took note of my existence.

so when i started developing these awful feelings, i was quick to dismiss them. i didn’t want them. well, i do but i’m scared of them. you see, i’d rather be alone than alone in love. meaning that if the other person doesn’t feel the same way about me as i do them, i’d rather but drop it. but with you, i can’t tell. i also can’t tell if it’s going to be completely platonic. we’ve done and said things that wouldn’t really fall under the platonic ideal anyways.

i want to talk to you all the time, and when i don’t i feel like it’s my fault. like i’m not too interesting to speak with you. or maybe you just don’t like me that much. i hope that’s not the case. i know how we text, it’s been like this for weeks. so why can’t i stop over thinking it when we don’t speak for a day or two? i know it isn’t permanent. i guess i’m scared that one day you’ll just stop responding.

over you, i’ve cried at least 4 times. pathetic, who wants to be with a crybaby? probably not you. but i don’t know what to do. i get so worked up thinking about how maybe you don’t like me as much and it starts to hurt. it isn’t fair at all. i remember how when we first started talking i hadn’t thought of you this way. but being me, i’ve gone off and developed stupid feelings for you. i’m sorry. i shouldn’t have done that.

i’m writing this letter to just get it off my chest so it can be heard. not by you, because i’m too scared to figure out if you even feel the same way in the slightest. but by somebody else, just so i can get it all out. i want to be happy. and i want to be happy with you. but i can’t, because i’m constantly making things appear worse than they are. you’re probably not thinking about me in this moment, yet here i am thinking about you. my mind swirls and revolves around you at this point, and i don’t appreciate it.

i just hope that maybe you could love me for who i am inside instead of what i can offer you physically. i don’t want that kind of attention anymore. it isn’t satisfying. i don’t know if i’m in love, or maybe it’s lust. perhaps infatuation. whatever it is, i hope you feel it too.

but anyways, i’m done with this letter.  if i keep going it’ll only be repetitive. and if you do stumble upon this, just please don’t break my heart.

las playas son de cristal,

el tiempo es un verdugo sobre un toro,

y aún así tengo ganas de amar.