#pityposting

i mean every writing book all but says uggos cannot write anyway so it’s not like i will find fulfillment through doing art well, because i constitutionally cannot do it well and presumably that carries over to other media

this dog plushie is not sentient and he loves me more than any human can. and he is not enough so why bother. sorry woof.

therapist gave me a list of 300-some doable things and my eyes slide around on it. this is not “cannot focus on text,” i can read other text fine, there is a sense that i must not read the list, it is either above me or corrupting (these are the same thing with different connotations)

on the list is “holding hands” and similar which feels like someone is gently throwing bullets at me

there’s also things that are just... chores, which makes sense from the perspective “make your space more pleasant to inhabit” but this is supposed to be, like, a way to find interests

this arose from expressing last week that i only have bad hobbies for bad people and “but what does that meeeean bluh bluh”

it means mom heckles me about “do you maybe want to do something that’s not on the computer” and the things i enjoy are punchlines everywhere

but what does that meeeeeeeean fuck off with this nonsense you know what it means

“does it mean... you want hobbies away from the computer” define want. what level of want are you on. i want people to go away and stop insulting me but i also want things that, you know, will be interesting

it lines up so conveniently that you’d think the shameful interests are shameful directly because they don’t bore me

like i am sorry! i do not want to go to the opera! i do not want to play football! these things bore me!

when you’re shaming me for interests WHAT IN THE NAME OF FUCK DO YOU WANT

do you want me to just go there and sit and be bored because you’re supposed to? do you want me to rewire my brain to think BUH MAN RUN INTO OTHER MAN I AM ENLIGHTEN? do you just need to cause pain and you’re just making up excuses and there is no reasoning?

i tried to express this but i could not because therapists are pathologically conventional people that do not understand the idea that an interest can be a punchline because none of their interests are punchlines

I recall breaking down when my parents tried to get me a phone when I was 12 because I was absolutely certain it was a test to make sure I hated phones the proper amount, and that their worry when I refused to take it was evidence that I wasn’t being performatively anti-phone enough. I hated those toy skateboard things (vocally, to the other students) because I was convinced they must be Just Bad in some way I couldn’t understand because they would get confiscated at lunch when there was literally nothing important going on to pretend they were distracting from, and I was Bad for not understanding but would be Even Worse to ask anyone. (The answer, of course, is that authoritarian dipshits gonna authoritarian dipshit, and the only possible consolation is to tell yourself all school administrators go to hell.)

i need to do something at least token-productive

the post i want to make is painful because [inhumanity facet A]

i haven’t done writing that counts as writing for... at least a year and a half now. i cannot and must not write because [inhumanity facet B]*

[redacted project that will never see the light of day due to interfacing heavily with inhumanity facet C] has entered the boring phase and i can’t really justify it as fulfilling to work on

stupid factorio mod i have never started in earnest has some passing similarities to [mod redacted], the author of which can’t be trusted to not think he owns the concept of ingots (and also i cannot graphics due to [inhumanity facet D] and i should not be allowed to make factorio mods due to [inhumanity facet E])

did i mention pain