#pine cobble

Paul Shih-Mien Tong Jr., 41, of Cornelius, NC, slipped loose this mortal coil on Tuesday, October 29th at 1:40pm. Everyone agreed it was an unseasonable warm Fall day which at least one person characterized as "balmy." That person is obviously a complete tool. Mr. Tong expired at the Levine-Dickenson Hospice House in Huntersville, NC, after a very long and very hard battle with a bunch of really shitty health problems that had no business visiting themselves on a man his age.

Mr. Tong was born on August 4th, 1972, in Philadelphia, PA. He attended Pine Cobble Elementary in Williamstown, MA, Procter Academy in Andover, NH, Davidson College in Davidson, NC, and UNC-Charlotte in Charlotte, NC. When Mr. Tong was in kindergarten he was handing out milk to his classmates and another boy stole his milk. His teacher told him to "work it out himself," which was a seriously messed up directive from an adult. Mr. Tong responded by throwing the boy across the classroom and into a wall. Nobody ever fucked with Paul's milk again.

Mr. Tong was preceded in death by his father, Paul Ki-King Tong, and is survived by his mother, Rosemarie, his brother, John, and his sister-in-law, Nicole. His loss, of course, will be felt much further. For instance, Programming Executives at the SyFy Channel were said to be in mourning. Mark Stern, Head of Original Programming, said, "We're all shocked. Our market research indicated Paul was the only living person to have watched 'Sharknado' completely unironically." He added, "One day, while snorting lines of bath salts, some of us were like, 'hey, do you think people would watch 'Tremors 3?' We still had the dad from 'Family Ties' under contract, 'cause he's a HUGE junkie, and that was it. No script. No plot. Nothing. We shot the whole thing in four days on a budget smaller than your average snuff film and BAM! Paul watched it. I mean, like, dozens of times. His constant viewership has basically kept our Nielsen ratings afloat for the past 15 years. Now what are we going to do?"

J. Michael Straczynski, in gratitude of Mr. Tong's devotion to basically anything the man has ever done, announced he will reprise the original cast of Babylon 5 to shoot Paul's fan fiction script: "Harry Potter and the Thirdspace Artefact." Additionally, Joss Whedon (who had no excuse after sitting on the $1 billion he made the studios with 'The Avengers') will finally get off his ass and write a full, five season arc of "Firefly." Whedon admitted, "it's the right thing to do and I'm sorry Paul won't get to see it." Finally, X-Files creator Chris Carter offered to "finally tie the whole thing together," but everyone kinda agreed he'd just screw it up... again.

Mr. Tong's memorial has already occurred. It coincided with his death during The Gathering, when a few battled until only One remained. His adversaries laid vanquished at his feet, Paul fell back onto his throne resplendent in his complete triumph. Placed onto a barge, his body was wrapped in a pastiche of scarfs taken from the Fourth Dr. Who, Tom Baker (hallowed be his name). Pushed out to sea, the barge also carried Mr. Tong's 100 concubines who wailed with lamentations while tearing off all of their clothes. A giant flaming arrow was shot from a dwarven-crafted ballista that struck square and true, erupting into a giant fireball. It was epic and you totally missed it.

No memorial funds have been established. There are no suggested donations to make and no one wants your flowers. Instead, consider saving your money and try to remember this: for two years Paul suffered unimaginable indignities and hardships ranging from the psychic to the physical. He was 39 when he could no longer go for a walk outside. His independence and autonomy was stripped from him inevitably by a slow-moving collection of illnesses that prevented him from ever experiencing comfort no matter what position he contorted himself into. No one would have blamed him for being angry, bitter and cruel to anyone he encountered.

Remarkably, Paul instead spent his last years in a constant state of gratitude for everything he had experienced and everyone he loved. He believed, passionately, that the only moments that mattered in his life were those where he was kind to others. Despite how unfair his health condition may have been, his total devotion to putting others before himself and giving love fully and completely was the most courageous act possible by a fully-realized human being. If you knew Paul and loved Paul, you would have been very proud.