Current draft (but probably not final) of an essay weâve been working on
Essay Title: What We Mean By "Identify As"
It is Part 5 of an in-depth series of essays weâve been working on relating to the nonhumanâs in our multiple system and how we experience our therianthropy/draconity/etc. Â
I thought I would go ahead and share it as it is mostly done.
"Identity" is a complicated and rather vague concept that plays an important role in people's lives. When we talk about our "species identity" certain things are meant within the phrase. It refers to the species that makes up each of our self-images and likewise the species each of our body schemas keep telling us our body should appear as. The phrase means we "identify as" those species rather than just "identifying with" or "connecting with." The phrase also evokes for us a meaning of this state being constant, integral, involuntary, and non-physical. Yet we want to delve deeper into what even those words mean. We want to break down what our identities mean to us personally. Explain in detail of how we experience what we are. Â
Our self-image does not match our physical body. A self-image is how you picture yourself in your own head. The shape of our soul, spiritually as well as figuratively. Within our mind's eye we each have an image of what we expect we see. This image, this unshackle expectation is very different than our physical body. (Even the humans in our multiple system have self-image different than our physical body as even for them there are various features and characteristics that differ.) Our species identities are only one part of our individual self-image as they also reflect our gender identities and the various other aspects of each of us. For us, our self-image is very detailed and stable in appearance. Also, our self-images are actually not overly idealized. (The humans in our multiple system, for an easy example, are all fairly average in build and such.) It is our self-image that is directly the cause of our dysphoria (both relating to our species as well as our gender, and so on). Our discontent and disconnection with our body due to the difference between who we are internally and how we are perceived externally. Â
Our body-image does not match our physical body either. What we call our body-image is how we expect our body to be. Our personal perception of our body and the thoughts and feelings that arise from that perception. Our identities clashing or corresponding to different characteristics of our physical body. Our connection and attitude towards our body. How our identities reflect on our beliefs towards our body. Because of our body-images our perception of our body in pictures and in the mirror feels alien, dissociated from ourselves. What we feel and think we should look like every time we see our body. It is the difference between body-image and body that drives the strong response we have to our body. It is not out of feeling our body is ugly or could be better shaped in muscular or fat content, but rather that the features relating to sex and species are at odds with our identity. Thus our body-image  is the way it is. For all of us, our body-image directly clashes with the actual physical state of our body when it comes to our species and/or gender. It is that clash between our physical body and our body-images that directly leads to our struggle with dysmorphia (both relating to our species as well as gender). Our species identity is different than the species of our physical body which effects almost all of our multiple system (gender identity being different then our body's sex effects only about half our multiple system). We know all of this is "all in our head," but that does not take away from the stark reality we are faced with in relation to our identities and the experiences we relate to such. The reality that our perception and thoughts are often far removed from humanity.
When we say "identify as," certain things are meant by that. When we say "species we identify as" (or similar phrasing is used) we are referring to a species that we are in our own mind's eye, that we are in our innerworld, that we expect to be but are not physically, how we view ourselves as being in a non-physical way, and so on. What we mean by "identify as" is that we are that species in a non-physical sense. We see ourselves as being those species and feel that, in a non-physical way, we belong to those species. In truth we find ourselves considering ourselves one species over the species over the species of our phyical body because that is what has always felt more true and right in a way not easily described. It means we can't help but see characteristics in ourselves on various levels that make us align ourselves as being this or that species. When we think of ourselves, we find ourselves classifying ourselves as those species. Our concept of our individual selfhood is of this or that species. We personally have found that that that species is a deep a part of our personal identity. Our personal internal sense of being is of a certain species, and for many of us this species is utterly nonhuman. It means we are referring to an identification that is deeply held ad a strong part of our sense of self. Something we internally know ourselves to be. A reference to an internal experience where we place a name to the form our experiences takes on. That is the gist of what we mean when we say "identify as." Â Â Â
 Not Just A "Connection" or "Identify With"
The words âconnectionâ or âidentification withâ does not even begin to adequately describe our experiences. People can have connections with many things yet not actually identify as such. People can connect and identify with other species or characters but not have an ever present feeling of being such. People can identify with a species or character and not identify as such. Many people can really identify with something or someone yet not actually identify as it or them. A large percentage of the population could name a species or character they relate to, connect with, or identify with. Fewer people could name a species or character they identify as, truly sees themselves as being. That is not the same as them actually feeling as though they are that in some internal and personal manner. For the majority of the people in our multiple system we identify as nonhuman.
Though the words we have used to describe our species identity in relation to our physical body has changed some over time (before using therian, draconic, etc we used shifter and were), our actual experiences and state for being has remained constant. Discovering the were/therian community simply provided us with language created by a community of people who also experienced things similar to us. Discovering the community did not cause us to being to identify as we do now. Rather our identification has been a constant part of our lives. At least since age 7 on through over two decades and growing our identities have remained. So constant, there is no suspicion of it ever fading away after so long. It is not a phase or something that may just fade away one day. Given its constant presence throughout over two decades no matter the critique or doubt and everything else, it is unlikely our species identities will change.
Our species identity is integral. This core aspect of our identity comes from within each of us. Our species identities are an inherent aspect of our make-up. Our species identities are not related to totemism, spirit guides, spirit animals, or any other spiritual practice or belief system relating to external spirits or forces. A person's species identity is not a separate entity for the person. Our species identities are not separate from the person with that species identity. We identify personally as nonhuman. There are no external entities involved that cause our individual nonhuman identities. Our identifying as nonhuman, having nonhuman self images, feeling our mindsets and instinct are nonhuman, having dysphoria, and so on is not anything external. It is deeply internal. This experience is from within us. This is our species identities. We are the ones that feel this way. This identification is a part of us, not apart from us.
What we are and this state of being is not a choice. We did not choose our species identity; nor can we change it. It is not something that can be turned off and on. Our individual identities exists regardless of what we might want or like. What our species identities are is not even in our control. We didnât wake-up one day and decide to identify as something other than our body out of the blue. Nor did we take on our identities as a conscious coping mechanism for anything. The latter is something some people experience (copinglinkers), but that is not our experience. Instead, we have just always just identified as we do today, without ever trying to be so, since we can remember anything at all. This is something we just feel and something we just are. As of right now, it's been over two decades that we have felt this way without prompt or conscious will. It is there no matter what. Our state of being and identity does not disappear when having this identity or these experiences become inconvenient. Our species identities have not disappeared when we had no time to think of such things (for example, we still have experienced phantom bodies while being gravely ill). Through the worst lows of our depression, it has remained. It has survived periods of doubt, personal critique, and external skepticism. Despite everything, we still identify as nonhuman. Our individual species identities are resistant to just change no matter what we have done or could ever do. Our animality is just a part of our lives. It is there and it is not going away. In all honestly, the only thing which was a choice was in choosing to accept our experiences matched with those who, as a community, call themselves therianthrope, draconic, and so on.
This state of ours is non-physical. We know very well that we are physically human in every way. We know all too well that we are perfectly, without a shred of doubt, physically human. We are constantly reminded of that fact. In fact, a sizable aspect of our experiences comes from this clash of internal self-perception verses external physicality (examples: species dysphoria, phantom body, etc). We certainly have no illusions of having actual nonhuman physical features or anything of the sort. This awareness and acceptance does not stop us from also being aware (or "awere" as the joke used to be) and accept our animality as well. The shape of our body does not change the fact that we do not personally feel human. The physical status of our body does not inhibit the personal perception and feelings we have that makes us feel not human personally. Identity and body image need not and does not have to conform to the actual physical state of the body. How we see ourselves individually and personally is not limited to the physical reality of our body. Ever since we can remember we have told ourselves that we are human while trying to suppress the feelings about our species identities, but it has never worked. Reminding ourselves our body is human physically has not swayed an uncontrollable and unyielding feeling in us that says something else is the case non-physically. No amount of critical thinking over the years has been able to explain away this deep understanding of our species identities. Identity does not always adhere to what is physically and externally the case. We know we are human, we just donât identify as such personally. We do know what we are externally, just as we know what we are internally. They differ, we know that all too well. Â
Yet, despite all of these words, our species identities are still more than just that to us. Therianthropy, draconity, and phytanthropy are at their most bare and basic definition is that it is a state of identifying as nonhuman on an integral and personal level, yet such a phrase does not even begin to tell the whole of what that means to us. The definitions are stark and feels like it is merely the shell of something far more living and breathing. Our state of being and our identity is a lot deeper and richer to us than we can easily describe. It is a state of being that is so simple and natural yet complex and confounding to us. So much an ingrained part of our daily life, yet touched with an enigma. It is something that influences so much of our lives in both subtle and dramatic ways. It is about being unable to deny the existence of our species identities and what that brings to our lives. It is a state of being that brings with it experiences that manifest both internally and externally.
- Arron (male, vampire)
