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It took me five tries to get that date right. Rather, I think it took me five tries. I'm not so good with numbers anymore. They're never right. It's like assigning a number to a word in a list; it doesn't actually tell you anything about that word, just where it is. When I say that I front of the doctors, half of them get the "oh look at the poor broken puppy" eyes, and the other half listen very intently. Blankly, even. Like they know.
Things are so much bigger than we are able to admit. And when you see it all, you see the end.
I originated--born, I guess, but that's wrong too--in Pennsylvania. I'm an adult of 37 years. I weigh 195 pounds. I'm glad they still let me work out in here, but the "nurses" (Ha! Officers with sphygmomanometers) had to help me figure out the dumbbells at the gym. I nearly hurt myself because I couldn't tell I had a 35 in one hand and a 60 in the other. I was balancing them out, but the nurse distracted me and I dropped the 35. I caught it before it hit my head, but now they won't let me go anywhere else without an armed nursifer or a video camera.
I came here from Alaska. I think I can talk about it here because some of the same people have visited so they know. It was a station outside Nome, WAY outside Nome. The bio lab crew called it Nowheresville. I thought I knew half of what was going on there. Now I know better. I was in the physics section. I've gotten to play with HAARP before. It's not all it's cracked up to be, but playing Tetris on Russian radar was pretty fun. They were pissed but impressed. I don't think I could manage puzzles now.
We were working on a particle rail. It's kind of like a supercollider and a cold fusion reactor and a big goddamned gun had a baby. It was meant to explore behaviors of matter and energy at superluminal speeds by allowing them to convert mass and energy back and forth at relativistic speeds. In reality, we tended to either just make big booms or a lot of dust. It's that whole particles get more massive thing. Or rather, that's what it looked like. The first successful test was what put me in here. Calling it successful was a stretch to begin with.
The last time I was at the rail, I was checking the conduit between the accelerators and the target. A small part of it had been removed so I could be sure the magnets were matched and synchronized. That's the last linear memory I have. What I pieced together is that someone triggered the sequence while I was still there, the particle veered, and hit me in the chest, at which point I learned exactly what the speed of light was--tensile strength. The energy required to punch a particle through to another dimension. Like punching a tree branch through a lawn bag. Try running in the ocean. Can't. Drags on your feet. That's kind of like the Higgs field. If you run fast enough, you could kind of skim on top of it, sort of like photons do. But without wings, no escaping the ocean. No hole in the bag.
On the other side, everything was in perfect balance. The entire universe we live in, folded and warped and in its glory. And another. And another. I saw worlds. I saw oceans of universes, and I was between it all. My body was... more. It had waves and tendrils and lights and things that are not possible in our universe but are just as much a part of it as the air we breathe. Everything was more. Everything I knew meant nothing. Shapes and words and everything is simply an illusion created by the multidimensional cosmos. Including time.
I was born. I died. I lived in thousands of realities that were not separate but never equal. I was gone for millennia and lived a mere microsecond. Nothing makes sense. Nothing makes sense when I talk about it.
Except time. Seeing time is what put me here. I saw eternity, and I am broken by the knowledge of what is coming and why we are here. I saw the woven interconnectedness of every living thing, and I saw where the whole thing begins to unravel. I saw that a few times, actually, unless it was all the same time. I saw my birth, and the pattern it created in the multiverse. Like ripples in a pond that only get stronger and splash all of the water out. It all ended with me. I am waiting here with the nursifers for whatever the end is supposed to look like here. That's their big question: when? I'm not good with numbers anymore. I can't tell what's real and what's left over from the accident and what's stuff I can see but others can't and what's part of THIS universe. I see everyone and try to tell them how we're all connected by thick and thin strands that have buried quantum entanglement in our genes, how we are woven into the Sun and the planets, how we came from something else not of this universe, and how we will end.
It changes. One day, it's a plague that makes the world bleed. Another, it's a quantum fluctuation that invalidates our section of the universe. The next, a slowing down of time that's like a leaking balloon until everything collapses. The next, a despot who brings untold torture and devastation who looks a lot like me. But it's really just all the same. Books have different writing in them and different covers, but they're all books, you know? It's all a manifestation of worlds and versions of us we never, ever had control over. Except for that microsecond I got pushed through the hole. Or I was the hole. Either way, I grabbed hold of the table when I felt it hit, and that's what's killing us all. I tried to control the multiverse, and by pure accident, I did. By doing that, I stuck a wrench in the works.
I'm here so they can prevent some of the futures I told them. If I'm here, they say, I can't trigger n-dimensional events. So they thought, until I hit the gym. I can concentrate and change mass. Change light. Change time. But I can't change it back. The gym has been cordoned off since I was last there. I can see the dimensional expansion, but they can't. The nursifer who helped me touched the dumbbell and slowed to a stop. You could see the scream forming on his face but never get out. I don't know if he froze in time or time froze around him but it didn't matter. He was dispersed into a thin red film coating the entire gym. Since it wasn't part of this dimension, no one could scrub it off. Shining blood, frozen in time. It's fading now as the rest of the gym loses dimensional integrity. They're trying to wall it off, just like they're trying to wall me off.
They can't. They don't know. I'm not really here. I'm not really anywhere. I'm in Nowheresville waiting to die or be killed, but I'm home in Harrisburg, too. I'm living in British Columbia with a beautiful wife. I'm a child in Eritrea with blue eyes. I'm bleeding to death on the floor of a hospital in Paris. I'm you. I'm tied to you. We are woven together, all the way back to the very first sparks of life, and now I will drag you all with me into a place we do not belong.
We are so much more and we deserve to be so much less. I am the destroyer of worlds. I am the sword that cuts the Gordian knot. I am nothing. I am always. I am the end.
