#phantomgoal

  1. Do trust your club's local newspaper

If you are expecting transfer news and stories for your club, put your faith in the local newspaper. The chances are that their journalists will have close ties with people involved with the club, and will get information and 'leaks'. That is not to say that their information is always reliable, but the chances are that they won't want to upset the club by posting a load of horse shit to stir up rumours. Local papers can't wield the same amount of influence as a national paper, and therefore if they piss off the club, that could be it for their chances of any further business. Further to that, you should support your local newspaper because print media is dying on its ass, and it's a good thing to do.

2. Do not trust national newspapers

The absolute cardinal rule of the transfer window is to never trust a national newspaper. Newspapers exist to sell stories, and that will often lead to exaggeration and rumour-spinning, just to garner attention of the baying public. Statistics show that The Guardian is the most accurate newspaper in terms of rumours, however even then they only got just over a third of their stories right. That means that statistically in any copy of The Guardian that you read, two thirds of the transfer stories are bollocks. I highly recommend you look through this webpage which outlines the accuracy of newspapers from the start of the 2006 transfer window. In short, The Guardian, The Times, and The Telegraph are alright for transfer accuracy; the redtop tabloids (The Daily Mirror etc.) are awful; the Daily Mail is even worse, and the Metro is a fucking disgrace.

3. Do not trust Sky Sports News

There is one very specific reason to include this; Skybet. The fact that Sky have their own betting service means you should instantly take what they say with a pinch of salt. They can manipulate the odds of a transfer happening or not happening, simply by putting out a story which may or may not be true. A good example of this would be the transfer of Demba Ba to Chelsea. In the space of a month, Sky reported that Demba Ba was staying at Newcastle, moving to Arsenal, and then moving to Chelsea. In fact, after saying that he was moving to Chelsea, Sky Sports then reported that the move had broken down. One thing you'll notice is that beside each of these stories, there is a little Skybet section telling you about the odds of that transfer. Fact is, Sky Sports have something to gain from you believing or not believing a transfer might or might not happen, and therefore you should be dubious of the validity of their claims.

4. For the love of all that is holy, do not trust Twitter

I don't know if the fanbase for every club is like this on Twitter, but for me as a Liverpool fan, it is fucking hell when it comes to transfers. You will stumble in to the world of 'In The Knows' or 'ITKs'. That is, someone who claims to have some kind of inside information relating to transfers. Sometimes they claim to be a player agent, and sometimes they just claim to be someone close to a club. Fact is that they are almost always bullshitting. The purest example of this is Duncan Jenkins, who was an 'ITK' who garnered a huge following, and ended up writing for Paddy Power. Dunc had got a significant number of transfer stories right, in relation to Liverpool. In fact, he called the fact that Kenny Dalglish was on his way to Boston to get sacked while it was happening. Infamously, Jenkins' revelations cost the club about £300,000 in the Fabio Borini deal, after Roma got spooked after thinking there was a mole at the club. Duncan (real name Shaun Cummings) later revealed that he had no insider information. In fact, almost all of his 'scoops' were just intuition or outright guesses. He was bullshitting, and he fooled everyone.

5. Don't trust YouTube videos of a player your club might be signing

A three-minute video of a two or three year spell of a player's career can make almost anyone look like a 17 year-old Pele. Fact is that whoever is making the video is not going to include the times when the player skies a shot into Row Z, or plays a bad backpass which leads to a goal. Give me a mere two or three minute window of your time, and I could make Ali Dia look like Lionel Messi. Okay, probably not.

6. Don't watch Sky Sports' Transfer Deadline Day Special

When it comes to Deadline Day, the generally accepted required viewing is Sky Sports' Deadline Day Special. Jim White will be frothing at the mouth already at the thought of it. He, the star of the show, gets to shout and scream for hours on end as transfers happen and don't happen in the final hours of the window. It can be entertaining, for a while, but what it largely comes down to is this: reporters standing outside the training ground of a club, waiting for activity to happen while fans shout and chant behind them, and are generally very embarrassing. You're better off following a respected Twitter account such as BBC Sport, as they will be more up-to-date and don't take an ad break every three seconds. The Deadline Day Special is entertaining only for the footage of players coming and going from training grounds, however the pure cringeworthiness of the reporters standing outside getting harassed by fans is not worth the pain.

7. Do make sure to relax

There is very little point in getting yourself worked up over potential ins and outs to and from your favourite club. The fact is, your input is going to have no impact on whether or not transfers actually happen. If you invest yourself in a player who doesn't end up coming to your club (see: Liverpool and Clint Dempsey), then you'll be calling the Samaritans by the time the transfer window shuts. Until you see a story on your club's website confirming the deal, or you see a player holding up your club's shirt with their name on the back, there's no point fretting. It's taken me years to learn this, and it is not easy to do. If your club doesn't get a player, it's likely not the end of the world. If your club does get a player and you don't like them, give them time as every team is different; a player who is dogcrap for one team can be the dog's bollocks for another. There is no point worrying about it. Unless of course your club spends £35m on a largely unproven English talent. Yes, I'm still bitter about that.

So there you go, I hope these tips help you somewhat. It's not going to be easy, and the January window is often when some of the maddest shit happens, but you have to persevere. In essence, it all comes down to this: don't trust anyone except the club, and chill the fuck out. Consider laying low in some kind of nuclear bunker eating only baked beans until February 1st.

-Si