#phan-fiction

“I never thought losing you would be so hard,” Dan began, with a deep breath. He toyed with the strings of his grey hoodie, ignoring the stinging in his eyes. It was another bleak day in London; grey clouds were cast across the sky, on the constant verge of rain. Dan had thrown his hood up, partially to cover his messy hair and also as a preventative to the possible rain. “I mean, I knew it would be hard,” He continued, looking down at the green grass. “But I never knew how much it would fucking hurt.”

He sat in silence for another minute, contemplating why he was here, talking to Phil’s grave. It’s not like he could hear him, right? Dan never had a strong belief in the afterlife, although after Phil’s passing a little less than a month ago, he liked to wish he did. It would make losing him a little easier, knowing he was in a ‘better place.’ He stared at the words ‘PHIL LESTER’ engraved into the cold stone as tears rolled down his cheeks. They thought they had all the time in the world together; they never expected an accident to take Phil life’s so soon. But then again, who does?

Dan brushed his tears off his face and decided to look down at the yellow flowers he brought, instead: something bright to lighten the dull. “My family is worried, I haven’t been answering any of their calls lately. I know they’re trying to help, but I don’t want to talk to them. I only want to talk to you. So, that’s why I’m here -- to talk. Fuck, Phil, I miss you so much. Since we met, I haven’t gone this long without talking to you. It’s like there’s a giant hole in my chest that was ripped from me when I lost you.

“And everything reminds me of you; I can’t do anything without breaking down as memories flood over me. Sometimes it’s comforting and other times it feels like they’re killing me. You know, I woke up this morning, and for a moment I half expected you to be in the Kitchen already, drinking coffee and mixing your pancake batter, just like you would every Saturday morning. But then realization hit. And you know what I did?” Dan paused, a small smile on his face, as if he was waiting for Phil to respond.

“I got up, made some coffee and chocolate chip pancakes: just the way you like them. And for the first time I was okay. I smiled to myself, thinking back on all the Saturday mornings we spent like that, and all the times you tried to flip the pancakes in the air -- unsuccessfully, might I add. But then, I reached into the cupboard and grabbed two plates, and two forks and then I just froze, realizing you wouldn’t be joining me. And that’s when I lost it, Phil. I can’t go an hour without my heart breaking because you aren’t there.

“To be quite honest, I don’t know how I am going to live without you next to me. You’re the one who could always calm me down when I was having a bad day, or worrying about the inevitable. You are the one who would help me sleep at night, when I couldn’t shut my brain off. Now it’s just me, alone in the flat with a deafening silence. Everyone tells me it will get easier, and I hope it does. But I can promise you this, Phil: Not one day will go by, that I won’t think about you, and how much I love you.”

Dan couldn’t go on any longer without completely breaking down, so he stood up and gingerly placed the flowers next to Phil’s grave. He took one last look before trekking back to his car, to go back to his flat -- alone.

-

“I’m sorry it’s been so long,” Dan began, sitting cross-legged on the grass across from Phil’s resting place. “I decided to go back home for awhile, I thought it would be nice to be surrounded by family. You know how I can get after being alone with my thoughts for too long.” Dan paused at that, wondering where to begin, or even how he should do this.

“You know, on the train back to London, I kept thinking about some of my favorite memories of us together. My mum told me to focus on our happy memories, rather than the current situation, so I’ve been trying to do that lately. One of the things I thought back to was when I got sick with the flu last year, and you only left my side to make me some soup or get me some medicine. I told you not to, because I would only get you sick. But regardless of that, you stayed by my side and held me against you as we watched movies all day. And sure enough, two days later the roles were reversed.

“You were the one lying in our bed with the chills and a fever, and I was now taking care of you. We spent the whole week confined to our flat, watching movies and old reruns of our favorite shows. There’s something about that memory that makes me feel happy, and warm inside. At first I wasn’t sure what it was, but now I think I do -- it was that feeling of being cared for. We spent the entire time wrapped in each other’s arms as we waited out the flu and while I felt terrible, I was irrevocably happy. It’s the little things like that in life with you that I’ll really miss.”

Dan sighed and traced Phil’s name with his finger, a smile smile forming on his face. Like he said, life hadn’t gotten easier, but the pain from his loss was becoming more manageable. “I still miss you so much, and it’s the worst at night. Our bed feels so empty, and your pillow still smells like you. On nights when it’s really bad, I’ll close my eyes, hold your pillow close and I swear you’re next to me again.” He paused, taking a deep breath to steady himself.

“I’ve started using your shampoo recently, too. I know it sounds dumb but it’s the little things like your scent that I never want to forget. But anyway,” Dan said, clearing the lump out of his throat. “I’m really going to work on focusing on the good instead of the bad. I’ve always had a problem with that, you know that better than anybody. But I’m really going to try. I’m going to remember you and all of our great memories together. I love you Phil.”

-

Dan slammed his car door, and pulled his jacket tight against his body. It was a windy fall day, and the air had that chill in it, that warned you winter was coming. As he approached Phil’s grave, Dan carefully laid the flowers down he got for them -- this time they were a vibrant orange. Every time he stopped to buy flowers, he always picked the brightest ones they had; after all, that’s what Phil deserves.

“Hey Phil,” Dan said softly, sitting in his usual spot, across from his grave. “Thought it’d be nice to come see you and talk to you today. I hope wherever you are, if you can hear me, you’re doing okay and you’re happy. You of all people, deserve happiness. And I’m doing better. Each day is a little easier. It’s still painful to be without you, but I can manage the pain a little better now. I still miss you more than ever.

“I saw Chris and PJ last night. They’ve been helping me through this a lot lately, and it’s good for all three of us. It’s weird not to have you, and your borderline inappropriate jokes there with us,” Dan laughed at that, he loved Phil’s unique sense of humor. “I miss your laugh a lot, by the way. I miss the way it would start off quiet, like a chuckle, and then slowly build into something bigger and louder than that. God, I loved your laugh, I don’t think I told you that enough.

“Last time I was here, I told you about my mum’s advice I’ve decided to take, where I focus on the positives. Actually, that’s been helping a lot. When my sorrow starts to take over, I write. I write, and write and write. I nearly have a whole notebook filled with memories of us.” He grabbed the notebook, and thumbed through it, stopping about halfway through it.

“This one I wrote a few days ago. We had decided to actually go out for once on a Friday because PJ was having a party. I remember we got there, and there was people everywhere, feeling the buzz off their drinks. And you and I--” Dan laughed softly to himself. “Well, we were way too sober for this. So we grabbed a cup of that mystery punch which was absolutely disgusting, and neither of us could finish our cup.

“And that of course, made socializing all night that much harder. But then, you came up with one of your genius ideas. You dragged me into his kitchen, with a big smile on your face and your eyes had that glint to them. Your hand was wrapped around mine, and you grabbed a bottle of wine and led me to the bathroom. You locked the door behind us, and we ended up sitting in the bathtub, taking turns drinking out of the bottle and just talking. We always had a habit of leaving parties to be alone, but I always loved that.

“We stayed in there and talked and drank for nearly the whole night until we ended up passing out. What I loved the most, is that we didn’t even talk about anything of substance. You told me about your theory that aliens exist, and I just sat there smiling, in complete awe of you and how in love with you I was. The way your whole face would light up when you’d talk about something that you were passionate about. God, I loved that.” Dan paused, grinning for the first time in over two months.

“Even when you’re the reason I’m heartbroken, you’re the only one who can cheer me up,” He observed, chucking.

-

The weather continued to get colder as it neared the end of November. Dan trudged towards the grave, blue flowers in hand this time. His black winter jacket was zipped high, in attempts to block out the cold, and his hood was up. Small snowflakes drifted down, settling on the dry yellow grass, only to melt immediately after. Dan sat on the ground, as usual and set down the flowers.

“Happy Anniversary, Phil.” Dan sighed, looking down at his shoes as a gust of wind blew, stinging his exposed skin. But he didn’t care about the cold; all he cared about was Phil. “I meant to come here in October, to celebrate when we first met in person, but I couldn’t bring myself to. Instead I laid in our bed and watched your old videos the whole day. I know that’s no excuse, but I just couldn’t do it,” Dan’s voice cracked at that, and he wiped a tear away.

“But I’m here now. Last year we celebrated our Anniversary in Manchester, and now I’m celebrating it at a graveyard. It just makes losing you so much harder.” He paused once again, and leaned against the cold stone, closing his eyes.

“I started working back at BBC again, this last week was my first day back and I hated doing it by myself. One of the producers suggested they find me a new partner to do it with and you should’ve seen my face when they said that,” Dan laughed at that. “He looked like he was going to be sick. It feels good though, to get back in a routine -- staying busy gives me less time to be sad. I’ve been making a lot of videos lately, too. I haven’t uploaded any of them, though. It’s harder for me to feel like they’re adequate without you there to reassure me. But I think when I get home I might upload one -- I know that’s what you’d want me to do.

“Can you believe it’s already been seven years since we started dating, though? Well, almost seven years, at least. It doesn’t feel like it’s been that long, it went by really fast.” There was a moment of silence as Dan thought back over the years. He leaned his head against Phil’s name and wiped away a few more tears.

“I don’t know if me coming here does any good, or if you can hear me for that matter but I like it. It’s comforting to me, as if I’m talking to you once again. I hope you can hear me though,” Dan muttered and looked up at the sky. “And if you can, I love and miss you more than anything.”

-

“Merry Christmas, Phil,” Dan stated, placing bright red flowers on his grave. “I decided to come back from holiday early so I could spend part of Christmas with you, like we always do. Your mum actually invited me to come celebrate with them next week, which was wonderful of her. I think I’m going to go, too. It’d be nice to see your family, they’re dealing with your loss too so I think it’d be good for us.

“To be honest with you, I thought the holidays would be harder without you here. But then again, how often have we actually spent Christmas together? Normally we’re hours apart, but now, knowing that you aren’t hours away sucks. I don’t know how else to put it. I went to the store on the way here, and bought a Christmas cracker, because I know how much you love them.”

Dan grinned at that, and reached in his pocket, popped it open and emptied the contents, placing the flimsy yellow paper crown on Phil’s grave. He put the piece of candy in his mouth and reached for the joke. “Alright, brace yourself for a terrible pun,” He warned, unfolding the piece of paper. “Oh for fuck’s sake. What does Santa suffer from if he’s stuck in a chimney?” Dan paused, knowing if Phil could hear him he would be trying to guess. “Claustraphobic. Okay, that’s not the worst one we’ve had, I’ll give it a two and a half out of five.”

“Well anyway, I hope wherever you are, you’re having a good holiday. We’ll celebrate together again one day, I just know it. I’ll come back and see you soon.”

-

“Well, Happy Birthday Phil,” Dan announced, crouching next to the grave and laying a bouquet of a combination of bright colors on the grave. There was far too much snow for him to take his usual perch on the grass. “I hope you’re celebrating today, after all you’re thirty which makes you sound so old,” He joked. “Tonight, most of our friends and I are getting together to celebrate you and your life. We thought it’d be nice to all get together and celebrate how amazing you were, and wow I hate myself for making that terrible, unintentional pun.

“I also hate using past tense when I talk about you. Because even if you are gone, you’re still all of those things you were when you were alive. You’re still my best friend and my other half. You’re still the most incredible person I have ever met, and ever will meet. Nothing and no one will change that, I can promise you that.

“Your mum misses you like crazy, too,” Dan continued. “When I spent the week with them for holiday, her and I had a nice long chat about you, and how we’re coping. Going there helped a lot, actually. She suggested we do that every year, and I think I would like that. Martyn is doing well, too. I thought you’d want to know that.”

-

Soon the weather began to turn from bitterly cold to beautiful outside as the snow melted, unveiling green grass beneath it. Dan laid down vibrant sunflowers and sat on the grass once again. “It’s been awhile,” He said softly. “I’ve uh--moved out of London. I didn’t want to, to begin with. But after a lot of thinking, I thought it would be nice for a change of scenery. I’m trying so hard to get my life together again, and it’s so hard when everything I’m surrounded by when I wake up and go to sleep reminds me of you.

“So I sold our flat. It was tough at first, but it’s helped a lot. I kept your blue and green duvet though, and I ended up getting rid of mine. I still needed a reminder of you, and to be honest, it still kind of smells like you, too. I never want that scent to leave. I’m still working at BBC, in fact I have a regular show now, every day in the evening. You would love it, you really would. I still think of you, everyday by the way. The little things remind me of you, but instead of it bringing pain to me, I smile. I think I’m starting to heal.

“I don’t think I will ever fully heal, there will always be that part of me missing from when I lost you. But I know that everything will eventually be okay. I still have memories of you, and that’s better than nothing.  Like I said nearly a year ago, I’m trying to focus on the positive.”

-

“Hey Phil,” Dan greeted, sitting on the soft grass. It had been nearly two years now, since his passing. With Dan moving out of London, it made it more difficult for him to come visit. Life had gotten busy, but that doesn’t mean he ever forgot about Phil. Everyday he thought about him, but unfortunately he was just unable to make it back as often as he wanted. “I got a haircut, it’s a little more edgy than I wanted, but I know you would like it a lot. Martyn is engaged now, too. I know you’d love to see how happy he is.

“Let’s see..this past year has been...eye opening. I’ve recently realized how short life is and that it can abruptly come to an end in an instant. So I’ve started living more in the moment. I’d rather you were still here, but I’m making sure to live life to the fullest, in your honor. I like to think that would make you happy.” There was a moment of silence and Dan picked at the grass.

It feels like it had been so long since he had come here, and coming back has brought up a lot of raw emotions that he had buried deep inside of him. His eyes strayed to the white flowers he brought today and he managed a smile. While time had passed, and things in life had changed, Phil was still a constant. He may not physically be there, in Dan’s life, but he could always come and talk to him and that was reassuring.

“I miss you more than I can put into words, Phil,” He muttered so quietly that it wouldn’t have been heard unless someone was listening closely.

And it’s a good thing Phil was.

-

Phil smiled when he saw Dan approaching his grave, with red flowers in hand. It was another beautiful summer day, the sun was shining, giving everything a warm glow and the grass was green and soft. No matter how busy Dan became, he always came back this time every year.

“Hi Phil,” Dan began, like usual. By this time, Phil knew the drill. Dan would catch him up on what was going on in his life, and in Phil’s family, which he loved. Last year he learned he had become an uncle and that Dan had earned a primetime slot at BBC, and he couldn’t be more happy for him.

“I should probably start off by telling you how adorable your niece is. She has the bluest eyes, and the biggest smile. She reminds me a lot of you, actually, and she’s always laughing. You would absolutely love her.” Phil smiled at that and took Dan’s word for it.

“As for me,” He continued, and Phil focused his attention back to Dan. He looked much older, his hair was shorter than last time, but he looked happy. “I met someone. I never thought I would, after I lost you. I mean, I never wanted to, either. But this guy -- he makes me feel alive and happy again. Don’t get me wrong, Phil, no one will ever make me as happy as you made me, and no one can ever compare. But I think this is my chance at happiness again.

“I think this is what you’d want me to do, anyway. And it’s already been six years since -- since you’ve passed. I’ve had a long chat with my mum and she thinks I’m ready too.” Dan’s breath hitched and he took in a deep breath.

Phil’s face split into a smile at the news. He’s been waiting for Dan to tell him that for years now. All he’s ever wanted in life - and in death - is for Dan to be happy. And it seems like he’s finally getting that chance again.

“Like I said, this will never change how I feel about you. Each and every day, I think about how I miss you and how happy you made me.” Dan rested his head in his hands, as grief overtook him and sobs racked through his body. “I love you Phil, and I always will.”

Phil smiled as his own eyes watered and sat next to Dan on the grass. “I love you too, bear and nothing will change that.”

Dan’s head shot up at that, unsure if he heard what he think he did, or whether that was just the wind.

He likes to think it wasn’t the wind.

With a heavy sigh, Dan collapsed onto his usual bench. He heaved his backpack off his shoulders and set it next to him, immediately stuffing his hands back in his jacket pockets. For a spring day, it was bitterly cold. Turning up his music, Dan marveled at how crowded Central Park was. It was always busy, but today it was packed, which was incredibly surprising for a Wednesday. He was lucky he even managed to get an empty bench, considering all of the other ones surrounding him were full.

Joggers ran past him, dogs trotted by with their owners in tow and kids threw a football back and forth. It was a typical day in New York. Dan briefly closed his eyes and rested his head against the back of the bench. University was exhausting. For it being his third year, he thought it wouldn’t be so damn difficult and that he’d have the hang of it by now. Shaking his head to clear those thoughts from his mind, Dan instead chose to focus on his music rather than the alarming amount of homework he had building up.

As the sun began to make its way through the gray clouds, Dan’s breathing began to slow as he felt the warmth of the sun spread through his body. Just as he was on the verge of falling asleep, he felt the bench dip as someone joined him. His eyes shot open as he noticed the guy that took the seat next to him. His jet black hair was styled much like his own, and his piercing blue eyes were looking at him; and somehow his skin was more translucent than his own. His eyes lingered on his pink lips and that’s when he noticed he was saying something. Dan yanked the headphones out of his ears and sat up straight.

“Sorry, what?”

The man laughed before repeating himself. “I asked if it was okay if I sit here.”

“Oh,” Dan muttered unintelligibly. “Yeah, of course, that’s not a problem.”

“Thanks,” He replied sheepishly. “I didn’t expect the park to be so crowded today, and you looked like the kind of person who would be the least likely to mug me.”

Dan laughed at that, as the guy began rummaging through his own backpack. “Well in that case I’m honored to have passed your judgement test.”

“You know, you should be. Only a lucky few pass it,” He retorted, and pulled the book he was searching for out of his bag. Dan snuck a glance at it and saw it was Macbeth.

“Is that for a class?” Dan questioned, gesturing to the book.

“No, it’s something I actually enjoy reading in my own time. Is that weird?” He asked, his nose wrinkling up ever slightly.

“No, not at all. I actually love Shakespeare. I’m taking a class on him right now, at NYU.”

“Really? That’s awesome. Which of his plays is your favorite?”

“Hamlet,” Dan answered immediately.

“Hmm...I would have pegged you for an Othello type.”

“You would have? I mean Othello is good and all, but there’s something about the method to Hamlet’s madness that makes it my favorite.”

The man grinned at that and opened the book to a dog-eared page. “I couldn’t agree more.”

Dan ended up staying at the park longer than he originally intended; by the time he left it was nearing dark and everyone knows staying in Central Park past dark is a death wish. He hailed down a taxi and leaned his head against the window as his thoughts trailed to the man he met in the park today. They ended up talking for nearly an hour before the guy had to rush off to work and that’s when Dan realized he never bothered to catch his name. Dan cursed himself for it, because it was highly unlikely he would ever see him again, and one thing was for sure: he sure as hell wanted to.

The next day Dan found himself at that exact same park bench at the exact same time in hopes of running into the same guy from yesterday. He pulled out a book from one of his classes in attempt to get some homework done, but his eyes kept running over the same sentence repeatedly as his mind wandered. Sighing in defeat, Dan threw the textbook back into his bag and observed the park occupants: Children were playing, dogs were running and tourists were snapping pictures. It was the usual, but unfortunately, there didn’t seem to be a certain guy with black hair. Dan began to lose hope in ever finding this guy again.

He was unable to return to the park until that following Wednesday. He stopped and got a coffee on his way, knowing he had a lot of studying ahead of him. The weather was still bitterly cold, as if it was stubborn in accepting that it was finally spring. The wind stung his face as he made his way into Central Park. Today it was much more quiet than last week. Dan smiled at that as he made his way down the winding paths to where the wind was blocked by the large trees.

This was his usual spot. He discovered it when he was fourteen and needed a quiet place to think. He was walking through the park on a day much like today, and his skin was a bright red from the cold. But as he came down the hill, the wind completely stopped and he found a bench overlooking one of the many lakes. Since that day, this has been his spot. As his bench  came into sight, he stopped in his tracks when he found someone was already there.

Annoyed, Dan made his way to the bench. Of all the spots in the park, this person had to sit at his bench. But as he approached it, his annoyance quickly vanished when he saw the familiar black hair and blue eyes. Dan grinned and sat next to him.

“Mind if I join you?”

The guy looked up from his book and returned Dan’s smile, his blue eyes lighting up. “I mean, since the park is just so busy, I suppose I could let you sit here.”

“You know, if someone hadn’t taken my bench, I wouldn’t be forced to sit with them.”

“What if that someone sat at this bench in hopes of that happening?”

Dan blushed at that, and paused to take a drink of his coffee, in hopes of composing himself.  “Well in that case, I’m glad that someone sat here.”

“I’m Phil, by the way.” Phil. He looked like a Phil, Dan thought to himself and smiled.

“Dan.”

“So, tell me Dan, do you always sit at this bench? Or only on rare occasions, such as stalking some guy whose name you just learned?”

Dan laughed at that, and playfully rolled his eyes. “First of all, don’t flatter yourself. I believe, you’re the one who sat at my bench in hopes of finding me. And second of all, I tend to sit here, yes. It’s the most peaceful here.”

Phil chuckled and looked out at the lake. “I agree, it does seem to be the most peaceful over here. Less distractions; it makes it easier to read.”

“Exactly,” Dan agreed, looking out at the lake as well. Typically Dan is one of those people who appreciates being alone. He likes the silence and being able to hear himself think. He doesn’t need to be constantly surrounded by conversation to be happy. This is why Central Park quickly became his favorite spot. He could be secluded, while surrounded by a large city, something about that was comforting to him. But now, he didn’t mind having Phil next to him. This was his spot he went to study, unwind or just to think. This was the spot he never felt the need to have company -- until now. He was comforted by Phil’s presence next to him, and suddenly he realized it felt a whole lot less lonely.

They didn’t talk much for they were both reading: Phil for pleasure, and Dan for school. There was the occasional conversation here and there, but they were both content sitting side by side, doing their own thing. There were no expectations to keep a conversation going and that’s what was best. By the time it started to get late and the sun neared the horizon, they said their goodbyes and agreed to meet back at the bench next Wednesday.

Wednesdays soon became Dan’s favorite days; these were the days he spent with Phil. Sometimes they would sit and talk the whole time about their interests, university or just life in general; and other times they would sit in silence and just enjoy the other’s presence. Soon, Wednesdays weren’t enough for Dan or Phil, and they began meeting Saturday mornings as well.

As it began to warm up, and the sun began to shine more frequently, the park became busier and their bench wasn’t always open. This prompted them to lazily walk along paths, laughing and joking, and suddenly their friendship began to evolve into something so much more.

It was the end of the spring semester, and upon finishing their last set of finals, they decided to go out and celebrate. They went to a small bar in Greenwich Village, that was crowded but not packed like it always is in Manhattan. The two of them were sitting in a small booth in the corner of the dimly lit bar, both on their third or fourth drink -- they seemed to have lost count. It turns out these drinks were exactly what the two of them needed. By the end of the night, Phil had Dan pressed against the wall in the bar, with his lips fervently moving against the younger’s. Dan’s hands were resting on Phil’s hips, pulling him closer, making up for all of the times he’s imagined this happening. It was when Phil gently bit Dan’s bottom lip that they pulled away, breathless and Dan suggesting they go back to this apartment -- which is exactly what they did.

-

The leaves were now ablaze with red, gold and a soft orange as Dan and Phil sat on the bench looking over the lake. Phil had his arm around his boyfriend as Dan leaned against him, sipping on his coffee. It was the beginning of October, and bound to be one of the last nice days of the year.

“You want to know something?” Phil muttered to Dan, breaking their comfortable silence.

“Hmm?” Dan hummed in response.

“Do you remember when I first sat with you on this bench when the park was crowded?”

“Yeah why?”

“Well, there were actually quite a bit of open benches, just above the hill, but I saw this as a perfect opportunity to talk to you.”

Dan grinned at that, and sat up to face Phil. “And you called me the stalker,” He teased, causing Phil to roll his eyes.

“Oh shut up.”

“Make me.”

“Really, in public Dan?” Phil winked.

Dan’s face immediately flushed and felt hot, despite the cool air. “Then maybe we should go somewhere more private,” He whispered next to his ear. With that being said, Phil immediately stood up, dragging Dan with him to go find a taxi.

-

It didn’t take long for the leaves to fall from the trees, and for green to turn into white. With that, brought frigid weather, and resulted in less time spent in Central Park. By the time Dan and Phil returned to their bench together, it was the day before Phil’s birthday and they needed a break from moving all of Dan’s stuff into Phil’s apartment. It turns out that Wednesday back in the Spring was the beginning of something truly amazing.

The two of them huddled close together on the bench, looking out over the now frozen lake. Dan pulled his hat further down his head to protect his ears from the biting cold as Phil sipped on his coffee. With it being Dan’s last year in college, there wasn’t much time that the two of them had together that didn’t involve mountains of textbooks, and furious typing on laptops. So when they had a chance to just be with each other, much like today, they really appreciated it.

“So, be honest with me,” Dan said. “What do you really want for your birthday?”

“I told you I don’t want anything! I just want to spend the night with you, whether it’s watching a movie on the couch, or ordering in pizza, I really don’t care what we do.”

“Phil,” Dan whined. “This makes it so much harder for me to get you something.” Phil smiled, and kissed his jutted out lip.

“Stop pouting, it’s my birthday eve after all.”

“A birthday eve isn’t a thing!”

“Well, I’m making it into a thing, so that means you can’t argue with me.”

“Phil,” Dan sighed, exasperated. “You are making this so much more difficult for me. As your boyfriend, I’m going to get you something because I want to. So, please just give me some ideas.”

“I have everything I could possibly want,” Phil said, brushing his lips against Dan’s temple.

“You are so difficult.”

“Yet you still love me.”

“Surprising, isn’t it?”

It wasn’t long before the cold seeped through their jackets and they decided to return home. As they were walking back to the street, Dan felt something hit him square in the back, causing him to turn around. This turned out to be a mistake as a snowball soared past his head, as Phil grinned.

“Phil, for you turning twenty-six tomorrow, you sure do act like a kid,” He scolded.

“And for you being twenty-one, you sure do act old.” Dan rolled his eyes, and bent down grabbing a snowball of his own. “You’re going to regret that, Lester.”

Phil laughed. “Bring it on, Howell,” He mocked, causing a snowball to him in the chest. Dan ran from him, in fear of retaliation to hide behind a large tree. He quickly grabbed a snowball of his own to fire back, just as he was hit in the face. Forgetting about his snowball, he ran towards Phil, and meant to push him into a snowbank, only he dragged Dan right along with him.

Phil laughed, unbothered by the snow he was now covered in. “That plan didn’t work out, did it?”

Dan meant to look mad, he really did, but as he gazed down at Phil and the child-like joy that was all over his face, he couldn’t help but smile and softly kiss him. “Actually, I could say this worked out pretty well.”

-

The snow soon melted, the grass began to turn green once again and the warmth from the sun soon returned. Life became busy for Dan and Phil and they didn’t make it back to Central Park until the end of May, just after Dan’s graduation. They found out that Macbeth, of all plays was being performed at Shakespeare in the Park, barely half a mile from where they were currently sitting. So of course, they bought tickets on their First Anniversary of meeting.

Dan rested his head against Phil’s shoulder, thinking about how incredibly thankful he was of meeting him. Without Phil, Dan was just going through life, but not really living. But Phil, well he’s shown Dan how to live, and has brought happiness to his otherwise average life. Before meeting him, he thought he was happiest on his own, but now, he’s been proven wrong, and that he’s happiest with Phil by his side.

He looked over at Phil and smiled, his dark eyes meeting bright blue. “I love you,” He murmured.

Phil grinned, and softly kissed Dan as his hand lightly traced his jawline; a silent affirmation of Dan’s love.

-

As time passed, life became busier for the Dan and Phil. Dan landed a job just outside Brooklyn, causing them to move and start over. The two of them were completely and irrevocably happy with their lives together.

It wasn’t until three years later, in early autumn that they made it back to Central Park. The green leaves were just beginning to turn into vibrant colors, and the sun was still shining bright in the blue sky. As they sat at their bench and overlooked thee blue lake, Phil grabbed Dan’s hand in his own, and ran his thumb across his knuckles. Dan tore his eyes away from the lake and looked at Phil’s eyes, which were of similar color.

“As much as I love living in Brooklyn, I think this will always be my favorite place.”

“Me too,” Phil agreed. “We should always try and come back here, no matter how busy life gets.”

“At least once a year,” Dan agreed.

“Yeah, I like that. Maybe we could always come back around this time of year, on this Anniversary.”

“What Anniversary? Ours is in June,” Dan replied, confused. Phil just smiled in response, taking in a deep breath.

“Well, it’s been over four years since we met, and over four years since my life completely changed for the better. I wouldn’t trade anything for these past few years. I’ve never known true happiness until you came into my life,” Phil began. “This is the place that my life really began. This is the place that I met my best friend, and my soulmate. And this is the place that I have had some of the best moments of my life. Now that I have you in my life, I never want to let you go. So with that being said,” He got up from the bench, only to get down on one knee, and pull out a velvet box from his pocket. “Will you marry me?”

Dan grinned, completely taken aback. “Of course, you idiot,” He gushed. Phil returned his grin and slid the silver band on his ring finger. In response, Dan pulled him in close and kissed him, pouring all of his emotions into this kiss. He twisted his hands into his hair and their lips moved together perfectly in sync, and he couldn’t help but think just how glad he was the park was busy that Wednesday.

-

As promised, Dan and Phil returned every year in the beginning of September. The next year they even returned twice, one for the Anniversary of their engagement, and the other for their wedding. It only made sense for the two of them to return to where it all began; and everything about it was actually perfect.

As imagined, life only got busier yet they still came back every September. But now, six years later, they came to the park with a third member of their family. Dan and Phil watched as their son was running and laughing. Life was better than either of them could have ever imagined it to be. 

Dan rested his head on Phil’s shoulder, and skimmed the book he was reading, smiling when he saw that it was Hamlet.

Author’s Note: Hey everyone! Thanks for your patience with me, I really appreciate it, but life has been very busy for me lately! Thankfully it should slow down a bit, so I should be getting a lot of writing done! I think this turned out okay, in my head I liked the idea a little better, but ah well. Please let me know what you think, I love feedback! It also motivates me to write faster! Thanks for all of the support I’ve received, especially with Hardest Part is Letting Go, I really appreciate it!

It were the little things that reminded him of Dan. Sometimes it was as simple as a song and other times it was more complicated than that. It was the worst when it would rain. Memories of dancing and kissing would come crashing down upon him as lightning struck outside. And living in London, those memories weren’t easy to escape. So he would clutch onto one of Dan’s pillows, wetting it with his tears, wishing with every ounce of being that he was back in his arms. Even if it was just for one more night.

The pain caused by Dan’s death never really left Phil. He carried it with him everywhere he went. Phil came to accept this pain, and eventually found comfort in it – it reminded him that Dan was once his, and his thoughts would momentarily become flooded of their happiest moments together.

It took years for Phil to finally accept that Dan was actually gone. His passing left Phil completely shattered, just a shell of the person he once was. He no longer felt like himself , instead he was only feeling lost without his best friend, his husband and his other half by his side.

When he finally did accept it, Phil decided to go back to Madrid for just a few days. Upon arrival, he immediately went to the lake that him and Dan once walked hand in hand around and found the padlock with their initials that was secured on the statue. He held it in his hand and closed his eyes. He could still see Dan’s large smile as Phil wrote their initials on it. And he could still hear his words, “There, now we’ll always be together – no matter what happens” echo through his mind.

Phil smiled, setting the lock back down and wiping tears away with the back of his hand. He looked up at the sky, wondering if Dan was watching down and smiling just like he was all that time ago. Phil checked his phone and saw it was nearly six thirty in the evening; he had the perfect amount of time for where he wanted to go next.

The rooftop overlooking Madrid hadn’t changed much since the last time he and Dan watched the sunset together. He leaned against the railing as the sun slowly sank closer to the horizon, leaving a golden glow behind with streaks of red. The sky was beautiful, and this time Phil actually appreciated it. Recently he’s had trouble finding the beauty in life, because he lost the source of life’s beauty: Dan. However he was now learning how to appreciate those little things once again. After all, he knows that’s what Dan would want him to do.

Phil thought back to the words Dan spoke when they wrote their initials on that padlock. No matter what happens, he and Dan will always be together. Phil truly believed those words with every ounce of his being. Even if he could no longer fall asleep with Dan in his arms, and wake up with him snoring quietly in his ear, he still loved him more than anything in the world. Him being gone will never change his feelings towards the boy. And he liked to believe that wherever Dan is, or whatever life after death is like, he is feeling that exact same way.

The trip to Madrid was just what Phil needed. When he arrived back to London, he felt closer to his old self than he had in years. The pain lightened just a bit, and he felt comforted by the fact that Dan’s presence may be gone, but the love is not.

Over the course of Phil’s life, he decided to live the way him and Dan would have together. He travelled to Japan, and experienced the culture for the both of them. He bought stupid things that he would never buy, but that Dan would. He continued to work at BBC, and eventually landed a full time job there. His life was great, but it wasn’t as great without Dan by his side. But he learned how to be happy, however, and live with the loss.

Phil never remarried, for he never could find anyone that he could compare to Dan and so the silver wedding band sat permanently on his left ring finger. It was now their fiftieth wedding anniversary, and just like all the years before this one, Phil was sat on top of their hill, gazing up at the stars.

It had been raining insistently lately, but tonight it had stopped, leaving the sky clear, with millions of stars exposed. Phil gazed up at the dark sky as a cool breeze fanned across his skin. He dug in his pocket and took out Dan’s letter he wrote to him before he passed away and read over it again. His fingers traced over Dan’s hasty handwriting, mouthing the words “I’ll always love you” and finding comfort in it.

Fatigue soon began to take over Phil as he gazed up at the night sky, reminiscing over memories of him and Dan. At his age, he was no longer accustomed to staying up so late anymore. His eyes began to close, as he felt a warmth spread across his body. The sun must be rising, for he could feel the warmth and see the brightness through his eyelids. His breathing began to slow as his entire body relaxed.

Phil’s mind peacefully went blank as a bright light encased him and quite suddenly his eyes snapped open. All traces of fatigue had vanished and he felt completely and wholeheartedly happy for the first time in years. He looked up, aware of someone’s presence and his light eyes met with familiar warm, brown ones.

“Hi, Phil.”

And suddenly Phil felt complete, for he found the source of his light once again.

Winter was one of those seasons that always seemed to drag on, especially with the much anticipated warm weather on the horizon. But for Dan and Phil it quickly passed. When time is limited, it seems to pass even faster. Dan’s health had stayed about the same; each morning he would take his numerous pills to put off his fatigue and numb his constant headaches. Eventually things began to feel okay -- almost even normal. But then Dan would wake up in the middle of the night, nauseous and the contents of his stomach would be emptied into the toilet, reminding them of their reality.

When Dan created his bucket list, he estimated he had about six months left, but it turns out he had greatly underestimated it, which is much better than the alternative. Recently he had a checkup with his doctors and found out the cancer wasn’t progressing as aggressive as anticipated -- leaving him with an extra few months. If lucky, he might even live to see his twenty-fourth birthday. Dan and Phil decided to be optimistic.

With this newfound knowledge, the two of them decided to plan an actual wedding -- one that they both had envisioned from the beginning. So during those cold, frigid months, they sat curled up under a blanket, beside the fire planning out every last detail with hot chocolate and coffee in their hands. They set the date for the beginning of March, deciding it would be best to do it when Dan is feeling his healthiest.

Invitations were sent out, a band was booked, a caterer was called and a venue was chosen. Suddenly, it felt a whole lot more real. The months leading up to their wedding flew by, as they became busy with planning, spending time with friends and family and of course spending every other second with each other. Both were determined to make the most of this gift that were the extra few months Dan was given.

This brings Dan to where he is now: looking into a mirror in his suit and tie, nervously fixing his fringe until it was sitting absolutely perfect. He only looked away from his reflection when he heard the door open and his eyes were met with his mom’s.

“How are you feeling?” She asked softly,

“Excited. Nervous. A mixture of the two, I suppose.”

She smiled and nodded understanding. “I remember that feeling all too well.”

“I don’t even know why I feel nervous,” He admitted, going back to fixing his fringe. “I mean it’s Phil I’m marrying.”

“That’s perfectly normal,” She replied, batting his hand away from his hair and straightening his tie. “I’d be worried if you weren’t nervous. Besides, you and Phil are perfect for each other. I’ve never seen you happier than when you and Phil met.”

Dan grinned at that; it was true. Up until he met Phil, he always thought he was happy. But it turns out he didn’t know what actual happiness felt like until he met his best friend. Just like he didn’t know what love actually felt like until they met, either. Before meeting him, he thought he had been in love before, but then Phil came into his life and showed him what it was actually like to be in love. And he hasn’t forgotten since. Suddenly Dan was feeling a lot less nervous.

“You’re right, Mom. Thanks,” He replied, pulling her into a tight hug. He closed his eyes and appreciated the moment, knowing full well this is most likely the last time he’ll be seeing his mom. She must have been thinking the same thing, for she quietly sniffed a few times and when they broke apart she quickly wiped at her eyes.

“Alright, enough of that,” She teased. “Now get out there and marry him.”

Dan didn’t need to be told twice.

The ceremony was beautiful. The decorations were absolutely breathtaking and their vows didn’t leave a dry eye in the room, especially with ‘in sickness and in health’ lingering in the air. As Dan and Phil kissed sealing their marriage, Dan believed this had to be the happiest he’s ever been -- every last bit of sadness and dread associated with the cancer vanished, and all that was left consuming Dan’s thoughts was Phil.

Somehow the reception managed to be even better. Fairy lights were strung all around the room, with grand floor to ceiling windows and white tables strewn about. It was undoubtedly perfect. As they ate and their friends and family made toasts, the night continued to go by very quickly, barely giving them time to take it all in. And before they knew it, Sing For Absolution by Muse was playing and it was time for their first dance.

Phil led Dan to the dance floor and pulled him in close, as their friends and family watched with smiles on their faces. It was the first time that night they were able to be alone with the other. They had grown so accustomed to spending time just the two of them, that it was a bit of an adjustment to be surrounded by loved ones. It wasn’t a bad thing, it was just a bit exhausting.

Dan smiled at Phil, his dark eyes meeting with Phil’s shining blue ones. “I love you, you know that?” He mumbled, a smile spreading across his face.

“I think the fact that you married me today affirmed just that,” Phil teased.

“It’s so weird that we’re married now. It makes me feel so old.”

Phil softly laughed at that and tightened his grip on Dan. “Just promise me one thing?”

“And what’s that?”

“That we won’t become one of those boring married couples.”

“Phil, I think no matter how hard we tried, we could never become a boring couple,” He scoffed.

“That’s very true,” He laughed. “And there’s one more thing.” Phil added, whispering close to Dan’s ear.

“I’m listening.”

“That we’ll still have a lot of sex.”

Dan immediately felt his face flush and rolled his eyes at his husband. “Jesus, Phil. We’re surrounded by our families right now!”

“Oh they can’t hear anything we’re saying. Besides your reaction was completely worth the risk,” Phil teased. “So, will you promise me that?”

“Like I could ever resist you,” Dan whispered in Phil’s ear, grinning at the similar reaction he had. “Besides, as long as we’re married we’ll still be in the honeymoon stage. So technically we’ll be having the opposite problem.”

“Technically we’ve been in the honeymoon stage since we first met. Because like you said, you never could resist me.”

“Oh shut up,” Dan muttered, and gave him a quick kiss as the song came to an end.

The night continued like before -- their families pulling them in different directions wanting to congratulate and have a dance with them. As fun as it was, Phil could tell Dan was getting exhausted, so he managed to sneak away, taking one of the expensive bottles of wine off the head table and pulled Dan away from one of his cousins.

“Where are we going?” Dan questioned with a smile tugging at his lips.

“Just wait and see. You’re always so impatient.”

“Well it’s hard not to be when you’re constantly dragging me to unknown whereabouts without telling me anything.”

“Oh just relax,” Phil retorted, dragging him down a hall until he found an abandoned room that was unlocked. “I thought it would be nice to sneak away for a little bit and have some time to ourselves. For it being our wedding, I sure don’t get a lot of time with you.”

“Won’t everyone miss us?”

“Who cares,” Phil replied, popping open the bottle and pouring them each a glass. “It’s our reception, we’re allowed to go missing for awhile.” Dan laughed at that, graciously taking the wine from Phil and taking a sip. “That’s true. After all, we are newlyweds, they’ll probably think we snuck off to some broom closet or something.”

“Oh God, you’re probably right,” Phil realized, scrunching up his nose. “I don’t want our families to think that’s what we’re doing.”

Dan just shrugged with a large smile on his face. He didn’t care what his family or friends thought of him anymore. He just cared about Phil, their life together and being happy. So he was going to do what he wants and what he wants is to escape from the achingly boring congratulatory small talk with extended family. So he took another swig from his glass and sat on the floor of the empty room, with Phil joining him.

“This is perfect,” Dan observed. “It really is. This is so like us to sneak away from a party to get some alone time.”

His husband laughed at that, reminiscing about all those instances they’ve done just that -- whether it was Vidcon or Playlist Live, they would always sneak away just the two of them. “I know, you’d think we be sick of each other by now.”

“Speak for yourself, I’m only staying here for this wine,” Dan teased, causing Phil to just roll his eyes.

“Yes, I can tell by the way you’re practically draped across me.”

“Oh, shut up,” He mumbled against the older.

The two of them stayed there long enough to finish most of the wine before figuring they should get back to their own reception. A few eyebrows were raised at their sudden return, but nothing was said to them. After all, it was their wedding.

The rest of the night went by quickly. Dan and Phil shared a few more slow dances and sweet kisses, they talked with more family and drank a little more wine before the night came to an end. By the time the last guest left and they got in the taxi waiting to take them to their hotel, Dan was fast asleep on Phil’s shoulder.

Married life wasn’t very different than what they have grown used to. After all, they’ve lived together for six years and dated for nearly seven. Some nights when Dan would have trouble falling asleep he would look at the ring on his left hand and run his thumb along it, still having a hard time believing it was actually real.

The silver ring became a comfort to him. When he would get stressed or think about his short amount of time left, he would run his thumb along the band and he’d be reminded of Phil and suddenly everything would be okay. This doesn’t mean he always had it together -- some nights Phil would hold Dan close, wrapping his arms tighter as the younger cried about how unfair life was. Phil would agree, silently wiping away his own tears.

It wasn’t easy, but they were happy for the time being, and that’s what mattered. They continued to focus on the now and completing Dan’s list. Spring quickly turned into summer and the weather became much nicer. With that, came worse headaches for Dan. Even his strongest medications wouldn’t completely erase them, but rather just dull them. He learned to live with them, however.

Because of this, Phil decided to book a weekend for them at a beach house a few hours away. It would be best to do this sooner than later so Dan could fully enjoy it. The days leading up to it were filled with cuddling on the couch while watching anime, playing Mario Kart and packing between the two. It was the perfect way to spend their time, although really anything involving Phil was Dan’s favorite way to spend time.

The drive to the beach house was just under three hours, which was the perfect amount of time for Dan to take a nap and feel fully refreshed upon arrival. Phil was the one who had found the beach house and it was absolutely beautiful. It was right on the beach, with the ocean softly lapping against its shore. It was small, with large windows filling most of the light blue siding and inside it was quaint -- just the perfect size for the two of them.

They quickly brought their bags to the bedroom, not bothering to unpack quite yet. Instead, they decided to put on their swim trunks, lather themselves in sunscreen and enjoy the beach and the nice weather. It was a miracle, really, that the weekend was forecasted to be sunny, with low chances of rain, especially for this time of year in England, which is why they decided to soak it in as much as possible.

The beach was peaceful and just what they needed: the soothing repetition of the waves was calming as the warm sun beat down. They spent most of the day alternating between lying on the soft sand, relaxing and cooling off in the blue water, laughing. It was an epitome of the perfect day.

“Hey Phil?” Dan asked as the sun began to slowly set, leaving hues of pink and orange behind in its wake.

“Yeah?” He responded, sitting up properly on the sand and turning to look at Dan.

“What’s your favorite memory of us?”

Phil chewed on his bottom lip as years of fond memories and dreams that became reality ran through his mind. “That’s a hard question,” He started. But of course, only one memory stood out amongst the millions of others. “But I’d definitely have to say when we first met -- at that train station.”

“Really?”  Dan questioned, a smile stretching wide across his face as he pushed his sunglasses further up his nose.

“Of course. I can still remember so clearly, just how nervous I was. I was a mess.”

“Well you hid it very well,” Dan teased.

“Oh shut up. But that moment when I saw you step off that train, and our eyes first made contact, I swear my heart nearly stopped. And when you came running to me, and I wrapped you in a hug -- yeah that will always be by far my favorite memory. It was surreal and suddenly you felt more real to me. I didn’t want to let go, but I also didn’t want to scare you off by holding you captive in my arms, so I did the only thing a normal person would do -- I let go. But I grabbed your hand instead.”

Dan grinned, his dimples becoming more prominent and rested his head against Phil’s shoulder. “Yeah that was definitely one of the best days of my life. And if it’s any consolation, I didn’t want you to let go, either.”

Phil laughed, and leaned against Dan as well. “So what about you? What’s your favorite memory of us?”

“You’re right, that is hard. I mean, I could also say it was when we first met, or when we got married, or I could even say right now because every moment with you is my favorite. But if I had to choose one, it would be when we first moved in together.”

“It is?” Phil asked surprised. “I wouldn’t have expected that.”

“Yeah, because for the first time I didn’t have to worry about leaving you again. I knew that when I would wake up, you’d still be there. And when I go to the store, you’d be there when I came back. I no longer would have to worry about the limited amount of time we’d have together before one of us would have to leave. I think it was the comfort knowing I couldn’t lose you that makes that my favorite memory.”

Phil smiled at that, as he blinked away tears, careful to not let Dan see. He chose to not think about the fact that now, they do have to worry about limited time once again. So instead, he pulled Dan closer and softly kissed him.

The two of them managed to pull away as the sun went down, and only went inside when the sand began to feel cold beneath them and a cool breeze off the water gave them a chill. They headed inside, collapsed on the bed and were soon both asleep, tangled in each other.

The next day was spent much like the first -- lazily lying on the beach, talking and laughing, and swimming when they needed to cool down. As evening came around, they ordered a pizza, took a quick nap while watching a movie and headed back out to the beach, to appreciate the night sky and talk.

“The stars are beautiful,” Dan sighed, leaning against Phil.

“They really are. You can’t see them like this in London.”

Dan leaned back onto his elbows, appreciating the beauty of the millions of stars glowing above him. “No, you can’t. I’m really glad we came here.”

“Me too,” Phil agreed, looking over at Dan, whose thoughtful expression was illuminated by the moon. “Now come on,” He added, standing up and dragging Dan with him.

“We just got out here!”

“I know, we aren’t going inside yet.” He replied, taking off his shirt.

“Then what are you doing?” Dan questioned. But Phil just laughed, pulling down his shorts and boxers before making his way to the water. “Oh.”

Number 7: Go skinny dipping.

Dan grinned and stripped himself of his clothes, as well before joining Phil in the water.

“Fuck this is freezing!” Dan hissed as he caught up to Phil, who was in water up to his chest.

“Hey, it was on your list.”

“Oh shut up,” He mumbled, inhaling sharply as his body began to adjust to the cool water.

“This is kind of nice, though,” Phil replied,a slight smile on his face. Dan couldn’t help but agree. The moon made Phil look like he was practically glowing in the soft light, highlighting his cheekbones, and the smooth panes of his chest.

Dan just hummed in response and wrapped his arms around Phil’s neck before kissing him. Phil smiled into the kiss and deepened it, tangling his fingers in his brown hair. Their mouths slotted against each other’s perfectly, moving in rhythm. Dan groaned into against his lips as he moved himself flush up against Phil. The kiss continued to heat up as their hands fervently explored each other’s bodies, with waves lapping peacefully around them.

“As much as I love you,” Phil panted. “This isn’t worth getting hypothermia over. Let’s take this inside.”

Dan grinned at that, pressed a quick kiss to his lips and rushed to get inside. Sex is one of those rare occasions that Dan will ever move quickly for.

The next morning they drank coffee outside, enjoying the peacefulness of the ocean before having to leave it to return to busy London.

“This has been a great weekend.” Dan sighed.

“I couldn’t agree more.”

“I’m looking forward to going home, but at the same time I don’t want to leave this place.”

“Because when we get home, everything becomes real again, right?” Phil asked, softly.

“Yeah,” He agreed. “When we’re on vacation, I feel like we’re in a bubble and can ignore the outside world. It’s like we can forget about all of the shitty things in life and just focus on each other, you know?”

“We don’t have to go back,” Phil suggested.

“No, I know. I do want to go back. It’s just -- it’s nice getting to escape myself for awhile.”

Phil nodded, “I completely understand.” And he really did. Vacation was the perfect opportunity to distract him from all of his frantic thoughts of what life is going to be like without Dan. Unpleasant thoughts like that were constantly going through his mind, and it was hard to just focus on the present, when the future is so dim. “Well, when we get home, let’s just stay in our bubble a little while longer.”

Dan grinned at that. “I love you so much, Phil.”

The next few weeks passed extremely fast. Cool, spring weather soon began to turn onto sweltering heat of the upcoming summer. Dan and Phil spent as much time together as possible, all too aware their good days together were winding down. Whether it was watching movies, playing video games or going on one of Phil’s spontaneous adventures, they were always side by side.

With the passing of time, came much worse headaches and nausea for Dan. He could feel his health deteriorating very quickly and he began to lose his energy much faster. This worried, Phil of course, but Dan brushed it off, claiming he was fine. But the dark bags under his eyes said otherwise. The two of them continued to make the most of their time together.

As time continued to pass, Phil could slowly feel Dan slipping away from him. His personality was no longer like the Dan he used to know, not that he could blame him. The doctors said it was completely normal and to be expected. But nothing could ever prepare him for losing his best friend and his husband -- mentally or physically.

It wasn’t until the end of May that Phil felt like he had Dan back, even if it was momentarily. Dan had woken up that morning with a headache that was much less severe than usual, and miraculously, no nausea. They were completely unaware that this would be their last good day together.

Dan and Phil had decided to go out for dinner at a nice restaurant that night, to celebrate not only Dan’s health, but also their two month anniversary. Two months may be insignificant to most married couples, but to Dan and Phil it was different. With such limited time, every day was worth celebrating.

That night they ordered the most expensive steak and wine on the menu, determined to treat themselves and not think of any consequences. Because at this moment all that mattered to the two of them, was the other. Dinner was filled with laughter, reminiscing and their usual banter. It was just like the way things were before Dan’s diagnosis.

“We’re not going home?” Dan questioned after dinner, tearing his gaze away from the car window.

“No, I have something else in mind.”

Dan raised his eyebrows at that, but chose not to question any further. By now, he learned that asking where Phil was taking him never did any good. He gazed out the window as buildings soon turned into trees, and they were just outside of London. As the car was pulled into park, Dan tore his gaze away from the window, and questioningly looked at Phil.

“You don’t know where we are?”

“Other than the middle of nowhere? No, I don’t.”

Phil grinned and unbuckled his seatbelt, leaping out of the car.”What’s left on your bucket list, Dan?”

“Star gaze until the sun rises.” Dan recited, a smile making its way across his face.

“Exactly. Since you’re feeling well today, I thought it would be the perfect opportunity.”

“You’re the best,” Dan replied. “Really, you are. I wouldn’t have been able to complete this list without you.”

“Sure you would have. But you would’ve been forced to do the actual planning, instead of making me do it.” Phil teased, but in reality, he loved being the one to make sure all of this happened for Dan.

“Wow, you came prepared.” Dan observed, as Phil grabbed a blanket and a bottle of wine out of the back of the car.

“Of course, we’ll be here awhile so I grabbed the necessities.”

Dan grinned as Phil grabbed his hand and led him to the top of a large hill, which gave them the perfect view of the stars in the clear sky. The edge of London could vaguely be seen on the edge of the horizon, which granted millions of stars to be seen, stretching on for as far as they could see. The view was even better than when they were on the beach the night they went skinny dipping.

“How did you find this place?”

“I did some research,” Phil said shrugging as he laid out the blanket on the soft grass.

“Well this is amazing -- even better than how I pictured it,” Dan replied in awe. And it really was even better than he imagined. Not only was the view breathtaking, but the warm May air was just the perfect temperature. A slight breeze slightly blew, cooling their skin, as they lay on the blanket, wrapped up in each other. Dan rested his head against Phil’s chest, feeling the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest, and his steady heartbeat.

“Hey Phil?” Dan asked, breaking the comfortable silence after awhile.

“Yeah, Dan?”

“What do you think happens after we die?”

There was a long pause, as Phil thought of an answer. “I’m not really sure. But I like to think that a place like Heaven exists, you know? Or that your loved ones are watching over you and protecting you.”

“I like to think that, too.” Dan whispered, afraid if he talked any louder his voice would crack, revealing his emotions. “Or maybe I can come back and haunt you. You know, write dirty messages for you throughout the loft, and change your screensaver to inappropriate things. All that typical ghost stuff,”

“You mean typical Dan stuff. I’ve never heard of a ghost that writes dirty messages for the person they’re supposed to be haunting.” Phil replied, thankful for the lighter tone the conversation took on.

“Well you know, I could be the first ghost to do that, and maybe I’ll start a trend or something,” Dan joked, causing Phil to just roll his eyes.

“You’re an idiot.”

“Yet you still put up with me.”

“Shocking, isn’t it.” Phil retorted, holding in a laugh.

As the night wore on and the two of them talked and drank wine, fatigue began to take over, and before Dan knew it, he was fast asleep. Phil smiled at that, and turned his attention back to the night sky. Stars stretched on for as far as he could see, lighting the vast darkness that was beyond them.

Their conversation from earlier rang through Phil’s head, about what happens after death. He never had a strong religious belief; he always wished he did, but it was never something he was very passionate about. This made it difficult for him to find comfort in a ‘better place’ for those who die. But he still liked to believe that there was something out in the dark, vast void that was death. He liked to believe that there is a white light, that stops all pain and brings forth only peacefulness. Phil chose to believe that there was some sort of life after death, because it makes losing Dan just a little bit less painful.

Phil became lost in his thoughts for the next hour, only getting snapped out of them when he noticed the dark black that was the sky began to turn into a dull grey. He gently pressed a kiss against Dan’s temple, waking him up.

Dan sat up groggily, blinking away any last traces of sleep.

“The sun is about to rise,” Phil told him, sitting upright. Dan joined him and rested his head against Phil’s shoulder.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to sleep that long.”

“It’s fine, bear. You were only asleep a little over an hour. Besides, you need your sleep.”

Dan smiled gratefully and watched as a speck of light appeared on the dark horizon. The dull grey soon began to evolve into a glowing golden orange as the sun made its appearance. Orange turned into a light pink as they sent vibrant streaks across the sky, replacing the once dark sky with newfound bright colors. Dan sighed contently and leaned more into Phil, enjoying the sight.

It was at this moment that Phil decided there had to be some sort of life after death. If these bright, lively colors can replace the dark black sky every morning, then surely there also had to be light that replaced the darkness that was death. And that thought brought comfort to Phil.

Over the next two weeks, Dan’s health began to spiral downwards. His head would pound, he could no longer keep a meal down and was losing weight very fast. The cancer was aggressive and he could feel his body losing the war against it. Phil could see this in Dan’s eyes. The warm glow that used to be there was no longer present, instead it was replaced by a dull emptiness.

It was Thursday morning when it happened.

Dan didn’t have the energy to get out of bed when he woke up. His breath was shallow, and he knew exactly what this meant. And surprisingly, he was comforted by it. After battling against the cancer, the fight was about to finally end and there would be no more pain. Phil, on the other hand didn’t feel the comfort. Instead, he was filled with panic and denial.

“Dan, we need to get you to the hospital,” He urged. “I’m going to call an ambulance, okay? They’ll be able to do something.”

“Phil, stop.” Dan wheezed.

“No, Dan. I can’t lose you yet. I’m not ready --”

“Phil, would you listen to me?”

“No, listen to me. I’m nothing without you Dan. What am I going to do without you here? You’re my bestfriend, my husband, my soul mate. I don’t know who I am without you next to me. Don’t leave me yet, please don’t,” He sobbed. Dan summoned the strength to sit up, and fervently pressed his lips against the older’s, successfully calming him down.

“Phil, it’s okay. Will you do one thing for me?”

“I’d do anything for you, bear.”

“Just lay with me,” He said, a weak smile on his face.

Phil dried his tears and nodded, joining Dan in his bed. He wrapped his arms around the younger, pulling his skinny frame against his own. Phil took a deep breath, and ran his fingers through Dan’s messy brown hair, taking in his scent. Dan’s breaths became more shallow as he quickly sat up, digging in his nightstand for a piece of paper.

“What are you doing?” Phil questioned.

“Nothing,” Dan answered, and fell back into his arms. Phil looked down at Dan, and met his gaze, light blue on dark brown. He pulled Dan closer to him and softly pressed his lips to clammy forehead.

 “I love you,” Dan whispered with a smile as he exhaled for one last time.

-

Following Dan’s funeral, Phil refused to leave their home. He wrapped himself in Dan’s duvet, and stayed in the flat, constantly reminded of Dan by the surroundings.

Days quickly turned into weeks, and Phil still hadn’t left for any reason. His family and friends were worried, but he didn’t care. All he cared about was Dan. It wasn’t until one day that he was looking through their nightstand for extra tissues when he found it. It was a letter addressed to him, and judging by the messy scrawl, it was from Dan.

Phil sat on the bed, with the black and grey checkered duvet wrapped around his shoulders, with Dan’s familiar scent wafting around him and opened the letter.

“Phil, I want to start off by saying how much I love you. Words cannot express the amount of love I feel for you. Just thinking about you, makes any traces of pain or fatigue go away, and they’re all replaced by love. You are what makes my life worth living. These past few weeks, we haven’t had the best quality of life because of my health, but you still managed to make me smile, and laugh every single day. And somehow you managed to make me fall deeper and deeper in love with you.

Do you remember when we were sitting on the beach and we talked about our favorite memories with each other? I think I want to change mine to the night we watched the sun rise together. Watching the sunrise gave me hope that someday, after I’m gone, your life can find light again. I don’t want you to be stuck in the darkness of misery. I want you to find another source of light. Throughout my entire life, up until the very last day, you were my light. And I can never thank you enough.

We may not have had a lot of time together, but we managed to create enough amazing memories to last a lifetime. My life ended much shorter than either of us wanted, but everything about it was perfect -- all because of you. I wish with all my heart we had more time, but the reality is we don’t. I’m still incredibly grateful for the short amount of time we did have together, though and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the entire world.

I can’t imagine the pain you must feel right now, I could never imagine what it would feel like to lose you. But I want you to remember I love you more than anything in the entire world. And when you’re ready, I want you to go out and find happiness; find your new source of light.

If I’m not haunting you, just know, I sure as hell am watching over and protecting you.

I’ll always love you,

Dan.”

Phil wiped away his tears and carefully folded Dan’s note, putting it in his pocket. He then ran into the living room, grabbed his keys, and took off, with one place in mind. By the time he arrived back to that hill he and Dan were at, the sun was close to setting. He put his car in park, and made his way up the hill, sitting down when he got to the top. Orange, pink and purple filled the sky as the sun made its way closer to the horizon.

He closed his eyes, it was almost like Dan with him again, making a sarcastic joke about something. But then he would open his eyes and he would be alone. The sun continued to sink, lower and lower until the vibrant colors were replaced with darkness. Phil drew his knees to his chest, and looked up at the stars, wondering if Dan was looking down at him right now. He likes to think he was.

Right now, his life may be filled with darkness and vast emptiness, but that doesn’t mean that will never change. For him, the sun just set, and eventually everything will be okay and the sun will rise once again.

Phil reached into his pocket and pulled out Dan’s letter, tracing his finger over Dan’s messy handwriting. That’s when he noticed there was something on the back -- it was his bucket list. Phil glanced over it, when he noticed something was different.

Dan had crossed off the eighth item: Die loved.

Author’s Note:  Here it is! I finally finished it! Thank you everyone for reading this and giving me such great feedback and encouragement, it meant a lot to me. I’m proud of the way this turned out, please give me feedback on what you think, I worked really hard on this, and definitely shed a few tears while writing this part. Sorry if there’s any errors, I was too excited to post it, I didn’t even send it to my beta.

Dan had been a complete and utter idiot, anyone could see that, including himself. But because of his pride and his stubborn tendencies, he refused to admit it. It started off as a typical fight with Phil that typical couples have -- until it was blown out of proportion. It kept building up, and Dan could see where the fight was going, but he was just too damn stubborn to care. And sure enough, the fight ended with a door slamming and the two words ‘we’re done’ hanging in the air. Phil left and Dan was alone. But even then he refused to accept it was his fault, when they both knew it was.

Words were exchanged between the both of them that they regretted, but Phil was the only one to own up to them. The next morning, Phil came home, eyes red and voice scratchy, apologizing for the things that were said -- or yelled, rather. This is where any typical couple would kiss and makeup, muttering their love for the other. But Dan and Phil -- well they weren’t exactly typical.

They had been dating for nearly two years up until the fight happened. The feelings and the attraction had been there since the beginning, but neither had actually acted on them until one night when they were both a little tipsy. They both had enough liquid courage to confess their true feelings, and they were a couple since that night.

If only Dan could have just swallowed his damn pride, he wouldn’t be lying alone in bed, nearly six months later, heart aching for his best friend. He refused to admit he had done any wrong, and because of that they never got back together. They both agreed that maybe it was for the best, and that they were just meant to be best friends, but deep down they both knew this wasn’t true. Since that first day they met, they both knew there was something there -- something deeper than just friendship.

At first, Dan was okay with the breakup. Frankly, he was too pissed to feel the pain and emptiness that was slowly consuming him. But once he pushed away the stubborn thoughts of not accepting he was to blame, it him like a train. He lay in his cold and empty bed, longing for Phil’s touch. He would close his eyes and he could almost feel Phil’s warm arms around him, pulling him flush against his chest like he did all of those nights before. He could feel his breath fan against his neck, sending shivers down his spine. And most importantly, he could feel the love radiating from Phil, making him feel safe and irrevocably happy.

But then he would open his eyes, the soft whispers of ‘I love you’ would vanish and he’d be alone, clutching a pillow to his chest with tears rolling down his face. The worst part was he knew he could just walk over to Phil’s room, express these thoughts to him and Phil would open his arms to him once again and they’d be back together. Yet, he just couldn’t find it in him and truthfully, he was afraid of Phil rejecting him. It was foolish, he knew that; but there was a nagging feeling inside of him that kept him in his bed -- sad and alone. So he just acted like everything was okay during those brutal six months.

And everything was okay -- things had returned to normal and they continued making videos together and they still managed to remain as close as ever. That is, until Dan heard Phil in the bathroom getting ready one night. That wouldn’t be so unusual, except for the fact that this was the third night this week Phil had been leaving the apartment past nine. With any other twenty eight year old man, that wouldn’t be uncommon. But this was Phil, and he sure as hell was not any ordinary man.

Curiosity got the best of Dan and he forced himself out of the warmth that was his duvet to go find out where Phil was going. As Dan shut his door, Phil was just coming out of the bathroom. His hair was tousled perfectly, and he was wearing one of his button ups that was Dan’s absolute favorite; and this wasn’t to mention the black, tight jeans he was wearing that made Dan unconsciously bite his lip as his eyes trailed down his slender legs.

Phil coughed, breaking Dan’s train of thoughts that were quickly going in an inappropriate place.

“Going out again?” Dan attempted to ask casually.

“Uh yeah,” Phil replied, not meeting his eyes. “I actually have a date tonight.”

Dan nodded, and looked anywhere but at Phil. This was exactly what he was afraid of happening. He knew someone as perfect as Phil wouldn’t stay single for long; and it had been six months. “Well have fun,” He said finally before retreating back into his room, slamming the door behind him.

Collapsing onto his bed, Dan let out a frustrated sigh. He didn’t have a right to be upset, he knew that, but it felt like fire was flowing through his veins. Phil wasn’t even his anymore, but he felt just as possessive of him as he did before -- if not more. Dan’s stomach twisted in knots and his mind began to spin. What if Phil falls for this guy and he starts bringing him around to their flat? Dan knows he wouldn’t be able to stomach seeing the two of them together: laughing at each other’s jokes, cuddling on the couch while watching movies and kissing. He was getting ahead of himself, he knew that; but jealousy can do that to people.

Just the thought of that infuriated Dan and he got up, clenching his fists and resisting the urge to punch something. He couldn’t go on like this. He couldn’t be the jealous best friend, when he’s the reason they aren’t together in the first place. Dan ran his hands through his hair, effectively messing up his fringe, but for once he didn’t care. He had more important things on his mind.

Dan threw on his jacket, braving the cold to go to Tesco. He had a plan, because for once he was going to swallow his pride and stop being a stubborn asshole for there’s one thing he couldn’t live without: and that’s Phil. Deep down, Dan knew that if Phil falls for this guy, or the next guy, or any guy other than himself really, he would lose him forever. Not only romantically, but they would no longer be ‘Dan and Phil.’ It would just be Dan and it would just be Phil. No ‘and’ between their names, connecting them. And he wasn’t going to let that happen, because Phil was meant to be his, which they were both perfectly aware of.

By the time Dan returned, it had been nearly two hours, for he made a few other stops. Unaware of how long Phil would be gone, Dan knew he had to act fast. This proved to be a bit of a challenge. Unsure of how Phil would react to Dan’s apology six months too late, he decided to go all out, hoping this would win him back.

Phil didn’t return home until nearly one in the morning. He was exhausted and ready to collapse into bed but was stopped dead in his tracks when he opened the door. He was met by candles lit all over their apartment. They littered the stairs and filled the kitchen and the hall, leading him to the lounge where Dan was waiting.

Dan had sat anxiously waiting, for nearly a half hour until he heard the front door open and close, announcing Phil’s arrival. Nervous, Dan stood up, and took a drink out of one of the two glasses of wine he had poured. He looked up just as Phil entered the room, his blue eyes wide, and his face golden by the soft flickering of the candlelight.

“Dan, what is this?” Phil questioned softly.

He took a deep breath, in attempt to steady himself. Sure he can do a radio show, and he can speak onstage in front of thousands of people, but now he was at his most vulnerable, ready to lay his heart out on the table and that terrified him. “This is me swallowing my pride.” He declared shakily.

“I don’t understand,” Phil muttered, eyebrows furrowed. Dan took a step towards Phil and grabbed his hands. The warmth radiating from Phil, warming Dan’s cool skin was enough to comfort him and give him the confidence he needed.

“I was an idiot, Phil. We can both attest to that, but I was just too damn stubborn to apologize and take back the things I said the night we broke up. For awhile, I was okay with how things were between us -- I still had you as a best friend, but I think we both know that it just isn’t enough. Instead of voicing these feelings, I just pushed them away and pretended they didn’t exist. However, now that I’m faced with the actual possibility of losing you, I’m terrified and I can’t let that happen.”

Dan paused to take a deep breath, and met Phil’s watery eyes with his own. “I love you Phil. I love you more than anything, and I’ve been missing a part of me without you next to me. I haven’t been myself without you, and I think it’s safe to assume you feel the same. You make me happy Phil, and without you I’m lost. You make me feel like I’m capable of anything and that anything is possible. So Phil, will you please give me another chance at us? I know I fucked up last time, but I swear that I wi-”

Dan’s nervous rambling was cut off by Phil’s lips fervently pressing against his own. He completely forgot about the rest of his speech he had planned, for he felt whole again. Phil’s lips moved perfectly in sync with his own, and suddenly everything was good again. Dan wrapped his arms around Phil’s waist, pulling him in closer to him and breathing in the familiar scent he had been missing oh-so-much as a warmth spread through his cold body.

“Of course, you idiot,” Phil mumbled against Dan’s lips. And he kissed him again before pulling him in the direction of Dan’s bedroom, all thoughts consumed by the younger boy and they soon became lost in each other.

-

Dan was lying against Phil’s bare chest, as his fingers lightly traced circles on his back.

“I’ve missed this so much,” Phil whispered into Dan’s hair.

“Me too. My bed is too empty without you.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” Phil responded. “I’m glad you finally swallowed your pride, though.”

“So am I. I should have a long time ago, and I’m sorry for that. We were both miserable for so long when it wasn’t even necessary.”

“Stop apologizing, bear. We’re together and we’re happy now and that’s what matters. The past is in the past, alright? Now let’s focus on the bright future we have together.” Dan grinned at that, leave it to Phil to find a silver lining.

“What about your date?” Dan teased. “I don’t think he’ll be very appreciative of the bright future you and I have.”

Phil scoffed at that, “Oh trust me, he was a dud.”

“How so?”

“Because he wasn’t you, Dan.”

“For God’s sake Phil, you’re still as cheesy as ever.” Dan sarcastically replied, but his smile grew wider, nonetheless.

“Oh you’ve missed it and you know it.”

“That’s debateable.”

Phil rolled his eyes and laughed, missing how effortless it is to be with Dan. He lifted Dan’s chin and pressed a soft kiss to his chapped lips, in attempt to make up for lost time and all of the late nights he’d spend thinking about doing this again. Drowsiness soon began to take over and he pulled away, pulling Dan against his chest once again and nuzzled his nose into Dan’s hair.

Dan sighed contently, as he felt Phil tighten his grip around him. This was even better than he had remembered it being. Falling asleep in Phil’s arms had to be his favorite thing in the world, he decided. His eyes fluttered close as sleep began to take over when suddenly realization hit.

“Phil?”

“Hmm?” He hummed in response.

“We never blew out those candles did we?”

“Oh shit.”

Author’s Note: Lately I’ve been overwhelmed by all of the positive feedback and wonderful messages I’ve received, so here’s a thank you to everyone! I know this isn’t my best work, but regardless please let me know what you think, I really appreciate it! And who knows, it might prompt me to write another oneshot soon (; Also, I’ll try to update Hardest Part is Letting Go soon!

The last few days leading up to Spain were hectic. They were planning on spending little over a week there, so they had a lot of packing and planning to do. Madrid was where they would start their trip -- they’d stay there for two nights, then go on to Toledo, and end their trip at Seville. When it was time to leave they triple checked they had everything -- from their passports, to their phone adapters and to the small, velvet black box Phil had in his pocket, which Dan was completely unaware of.

The plane ride felt longer than it should -- after all, it was only a little over two hours. But Dan fell asleep nearly as soon as it took off, with his head resting on Phil’s shoulder. He was determined to sleep off as much fatigue as possible so he’d be awake and energized for the trip. This, however left Phil alone with his thoughts, which was a very dangerous thing.

His mind wandered to the boy whose head was resting against him, and just how much time he had with him. Phil had never cared for anyone in his life like he does for Dan. He is completely consumed by his love for the boy, and he couldn’t help but think just how unfair it was their time was so limited. There’s a saying that goes, ‘if something is too good to be true, then it usually is.’ Unfortunately, that seemed to apply to their relationship. Phil cursed himself for thinking this way, Dan hates when he does that. But he just couldn’t prevent his mind from going there. He just sighed and closed his eyes, attempting to sleep, which turned out to be a very difficult task when there’s the added weight of a little black box in his pocket.

By the time they got to their hotel in Madrid, Dan and Phil were both much more awake and excited for the fact that they were finally here. Although the numerous cups of coffee they had probably helped, too. They dropped off their suitcases and changed out of their airport clothes, ready to go explore the city. It was absolutely beautiful, the buildings were grand, and the vague outlines of mountains were present on the horizon.

The first place they decided to go was Plaza Mayor. It was one of the most recommended places to visit while in Madrid which was located just outside of the city, away from the hustle of the big crowds of people, which the two of them liked very much. Dan grabbed Phil’s hand in his own, giving it a squeeze as they walked down narrow streets of small businesses and homes that towered over the stone pavement,

“I can’t believe we’re here..” Dan mumbled. His eyes darted from the classic vintage buildings to the unique bistros and to Phil’s excited expression, taking in the beauty that surrounded him. “I wish we had more time here.”

“Me too,” Phil replied quietly, giving his hand another squeeze. His voice clearly illustrated that he wished they had more time in general. But neither of them focused on that and turned their minds back on the beauty of Madrid.

The Plaza turned out to be a lot of fun. It was filled with people and street performers, small stores that were unparalleled to any back home and delicious restaurants and cafes. Dan and Phil stopped and tried authentic Spanish food, bought a few souvenirs to take back home and stopped and appreciated the talent of the street musicians.

Following the plaza, they decided to go for a walk around a small lake, which wasn’t too far from their hotel and was also surrounded by statues and stairs which led down to it. The sun was shining down as they slowly made their way around it, talking about nothing of much substance. Dan and Phil stopped as they reached the other side and came across a large statue of a mermaid. Dan was determined to get a picture with it, so he went down a few of the steps to stand next to it, but stopped when he saw small padlocks locked on the mermaid’s tail.

“Phil, come here!” He called out. “Come check this out.”

“Are those initials on them?” He questioned, looking over Dan’s shoulder.

“It looks like it.” There had to have been nearly a hundred of them, all locked in place, with couple’s initials and hearts drawn on them. “Look, there’s a blank one!”

Sure enough, there it was, a blank lock close to the end of the tail. Phil grinned at Dan, and took his backpack off, digging in there for a black sharpie, which luckily he happened to have. Phil, not trusting Dan’s horrible handwriting, wrote ‘P.L + D.H’ carefully on the lock before snapping a picture on his phone.

“There, now our relationship is immortalized -- we’ll always be together.”

“No matter what happens, we’re always together,” Dan agreed, a smile lighting up his face. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Phil responded, pulling Dan in for a gentle kiss.

The two of them sat on the steps for a while, looking out at the glass like surface of the lake, reminiscing about when they first met. They only decided to head back to the hotel when the sun began to set, painting orange and red across the sky.

“Are you up for a detour?” Phil questioned suddenly, pulling Dan to a stop. He frowned and looked down the street, the white marble of their hotel was nearly in sight and the comfort of his bed sounded perfect. But he looked at Phil, whose blue eyes were glowing in the dying sunlight and he couldn’t help but smile, all thoughts of sleeping pushed out of his mind.

“Yeah, okay. Lead the way, Phil.” He agreed, causing a grin to make its way across the older’s face.

“Great, we have to hurry!”

“Is that necessary?” Dan complained as Phil laced their fingers together, dragging him in the opposite direction of the hotel.

“Just trust me.” They arrived at a stone building with the words ‘Círculo de Bellas Artes’ carved into it. Phil approached the ticket window, purchasing two tickets for himself and Dan, before leading the way inside the grand building. There were marble floors and columns with a grand staircase in the center. Phil lead Dan to a glass elevator and pushed the seventh floor, nearly bouncing on his feet in excitement.

“What is this place?” Dan questioned, not getting any clues from the building. After all, everything was in Spanish. “And how did you know about it?”

“I did my research when I bought the plane tickets, don’t worry about it.” Dan just grinned in response. Something he loved about his boyfriend was his spontaneity and the endless amount of great ideas he always had.

The elevator opened, revealing more staircases. Dan opened his mouth to ask another question, but closed it again when Phil pressed his hand on his lower back, leading him to the staircase. Dan looked up as he climbed, trying to get an idea of where this led them, but to no avail for all he could see were more staircases.

Phil leaped up the stairs, encouraging Dan to hurry for the worry of missing it -- whatever ‘it’ was. But Dan bounded up the stairs as quickly as possible, regardless of the burning sensation in his lungs; after all there were four staircases. When they finally reached the top,  Phil opened a door which brought the two of them to a rooftop viewing area, littered with flowers and chairs which looked over Madrid perfectly.

“Wow,” Dan mumbled, walking up to the railing and observing the city. The warm golden glow of the setting sun set a golden light upon the city. He could see the tall white buildings that stretched to the mountains and the grand architecture of the city hall. “Phil, you never cease to amaze me,” He said, turning around and facing him.

“That’s why they call me AmazingPhil..”

Dan rolled his eyes as a cheeky grin spread across his face. “Only you would ruin a perfectly romantic moment with a terrible pun.”

Phil smiled and wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist, pulling him against him and kissing him. Every ounce of love each man felt for the other was expressed in this kiss as their lips molded together perfectly. Dan’s hands rested on the side of Phil’s face, breathing in his scent and enjoying his soft lips as they lazily moved against his own.

“You’re missing the sun set,” He whispered against Dan’s lips, finally finding the strength to pull away.

“It’s worth it,” He responded, but turned around nonetheless, facing the sunset once again. Phil wrapped his arms around his waist and rested his head on Dan’s shoulder. This moment, he vowed to himself to never forget. Because in this moment, there’s no such thing as cancer and there’s no limit on their time together. In this moment, it’s just Dan and Phil, like always.

As the sun went down, replacing the sky with black and millions of glowing stars, Dan and Phil kissed once more before making the trek back to their hotel. They made their way back to the room, ignoring their suitcases that have yet to be unpacked and instead became lost in each other.

-

Their next, and final, day in Madrid was spent experiencing the Spanish culture by having authentic meals at nice restaurants and touring the Royal Palace of Madrid along with Puerta del Sol, which was a busy square not too far from the hotel. By the time they were sitting down at a quaint restaurant for dinner, the two of them were exhausted. They had spent the entire day walking and sightseeing; and travelling can cause a lot of fatigue, especially for the younger of the two. Dan and Phil ordered a traditional Spanish dish, paella, along with some expensive wine. Phil was determined to treat Dan to the best of anything and everything. He wanted to make this trip as unforgettable as possible. And in Dan’s opinion, he was doing a pretty damn good job of it.

The restaurant was dimly lit with a few candles sitting on each table and classical music was playing softly through the speakers. It was the ultimate romantic atmosphere. The waiter returned with the bottle of red wine and filled their two glasses before taking their orders and leaving once again.

“To Spain,” Dan said, lifting his glass.

“To Spain. And to us,” Phil added. “And many more happy memories to come.”

Their glasses clinked and they smiled at each other before taking a sip.

“How are you feeling?” Phil asked as they ate.

Dan looked up from the rice dish. “I’m fine.”

“Okay, so how are you really feeling?”

“Maybe not so fine,” He admitted with a sigh. Phil was the one person he never could hide anything from. “I’m just exhausted and I’m beginning to feel a little nauseous.”

“Okay, let’s just go back to the hotel then, yeah? You can get some sleep and then tomorrow we’re traveling to Toledo so at least you’ll have more of a chance to rest.”

Dan nodded, grateful for his boyfriend’s understanding. He knows they should be out in the city, exploring more of it, but he just can’t bring himself to. The exhaustion was setting in and by now they’ve already toured most of the city, so he was content with going back to their room. They finished eating, paid the bill and made their way back to the hotel, which was only a few blocks from there.

The bed was softer than Dan remembered, and with Phil’s arms around his waist, he was asleep within seconds. Phil, however wasn’t so lucky. He nuzzled his head into Dan’s brown hair and sighed, breathing in his familiar scent. When Dan is gone, he wants to always remember what he smells like, because to him it’s the best smell in the entire world.

The train ride to Toledo was only a half hour, which was a much shorter ride than either of them had anticipated. This didn’t stop Dan from sleeping, though, and besides, it was a good thing he was getting so much sleep because now he’d feel much more energized for their day there.

Phil looked out the window at passing countryside filled with olive trees. As much as he loved Madrid, he was excited to get somewhere a little less hectic. Toledo is that city that you picture when you think of Spain. It’s old and each building, which is made of stone, sits on a hillside with a river running around it. It was picturesque, had plenty of character and was incredibly romantic. The perfect destination for the two of them.

As the time passed, an outline of the city soon became evident in the horizon. Phil gently kissed Dan on the temple, waking him up so he could enjoy the view. Phil couldn’t help but gasp as they drove closer, it really was beautiful, even better than he had imagined. Dan grinned as they came to a stop at the station in the heart of Toledo. He lightly pecked Phil’s cheek before grabbing Phil’s hand and pulling them out of the train seat.

The city was much quieter, there weren’t any hotels in Toledo, so the only people out and about were ones that resided there -- and there weren’t many of them. They spent the first half of their day at a sword factory and then went and got lunch at a small rustic cafe which was delicious. Then Phil grabbed Dan’s hand, and dragged him towards the other side of the city they hadn’t been to yet.

“Where are we going to now?” He questioned.

“Don’t always worry about where we’re going, just enjoy the adventure.”

“Well, you can’t exactly blame me for not wanting to get lost in a foreign country,” Dan muttered, but with a grin on his face nonetheless. Phil just rolled his eyes, choosing to ignore that remark.

“Wouldn’t it be cool to live here?” Phil observed, eyes wandering across each unique stone building they passed.

“Yeah, it really would. It’d be very different from London -- but a good different. Maybe someday you could live here,” He suggested.

“No, I don’t think I’d want to come back here without you.”

“Phil..” Dan started, but stopped himself. Now wasn’t the time to talk about it. “Okay, I get that.” He said instead. Phil smiled, grateful for that and gave Dan’s hand a squeeze.

Their adventure, as Phil referred to it, soon brought them to a set of stairs, also made of stone, which was built into the hillside, and next to it was an escalator that was more recently added.

“Wow, was not expecting to come across stairs, let alone a bloody escalator,” Dan laughed as they stepped foot on the escalator.

“Of all things to stumble across in a hillside,” Phil agreed, but he knew this is exactly where he was leading them. Like he said before, he did his research before coming here.

It took only a minute for them to reach the top and when they did, the sight was breathtaking. They were now at the highest part of the hill, overlooking the lower part of the city. They were surrounded by wildflowers and more stone buildings and churches.

“This is amazing,” Dan breathed out, looking out at the view. Phil hummed in agreement and wrapped his arm around Dan’s waist, pulling him close. A slight breeze was present as gold began to appear in the sky as the day transitioned into evening. “You have no idea how much I love you,” He mumbled.

“I think I have an idea,” Phil replied, turning and facing Dan, giving him a quick kiss.

“Before I met you, Dan, I didn’t really have a purpose in life. Sure, I had Youtube, uni and my family. But nothing that put a smile on my face before I went to bed and one immediately when I woke up -- until I met you. You changed everything about me. I had something of substance in my life, and soon my life began to revolve you. You made me the happiest person on Earth, something I never thought would be possible. But you made everything seem possible. I can’t imagine what life will be like without you, nor do I want to. So until that time comes, I’m going to enjoy every second, every day and every moment I get with you, because I know these will be the best memories of my existence. With you, I am whole. We’re Dan and Phil. I’m not just Phil anymore, because I’m not complete without you. So, with that being said,” Phil paused, reaching in his pocket for the black velvet box in his pocket. He got down on one knee and looked up at Dan. “Daniel James Howell, will you marry me?”

“Oh my God,” Dan gasped, wiping at his eyes which were watering. “Of course, you spoon! That’s not even a question,” He exclaimed, reaching down and messily kissing Phil. Phil grinned, his eyes also watering and slipped the silver band onto his ring finger. “You’re perfect, you really are.”

“No, that’s you, bear. You’re the perfect one,” Phil murmured against his lips, pulling him against him once more.

-

The rest of their time in Spain was spent in Seville, where they watched flamenco dancers, and even got dragged on stage to dance with them, and where they toured big tourism destinations, like the Seville Bullfighting Ring, and Plaza Espana, where Star Wars was filmed -- this was their personal favorite.

By the time their week was over, they were both ready to go home. As amazing and beautiful as Spain was, it wasn’t home. So, when they finally made it back to their flat in London it was a relief. Phil immediately went to bed, exhausted and crashed, while Dan went into the office. He shuffled through the list of papers on the desk before he came across the one he was looking for. Dan grabbed a pen from the desk and crossed off the fifth item on his bucket list, which was about Spain.

Just as he was about to put it away, he stopped when he read number six, ‘get married’ and grinned to himself. He ran his thumb over the still unfamiliar band on his ring finger, hardly believing that Phil proposing to him wasn’t a dream. Really, he was too lucky to have Phil by his side. Dan ran his finger over the item he written so hastily that night, unsure if he’d complete it or not, but now, with the silver ring on his finger, he let out a quiet laugh at the thought he’d be crossing it off all too soon

Part 3

Author’s Note: Hello everyone! I got such wonderful feedback from the oneshot I posted yesterday, so I’m updating this earlier than planned. I didn’t mean for it all to be about them in Spain, but I got a little carried away and didn’t want it to be so rushed. In case you couldn’t tell, I have been to all of the places I wrote about in Spain :)