#pg-15

     The day was as gray as the concrete walls, as gray as the paling faces of the four girls sitting on their beds, laughing and talking, as gray as your suitcases. And yet, you only saw the beauty in this. Here was where you were to chase your dream, a vision that had seemed so far away and now was so close you could taste it, you could feel it against your skin.

     You set your bags down carefully, trying not to disturb their conversation. They stalled anyway. Their eyes trailed you like hawks, their stares containing the bite of a viper. You didn’t let this sway you. You simply ignored the shudder that ran down your spine as you began to unpack. 

“You’re new.” one piped up. You glanced behind you for a moment, then turned back to unpacking your things on the first open bed you had seen. 

“Yeah...I am.” You said softly, a smile gracing your face. 

    The girl turned back to the others and the whispering began. A couple giggles pushed through, but you didn’t mind. You expected they saw you as someone unfit to be a trainee, someone who certainly didn’t belong here, you didn’t blame them. 

“Welcome.” They chorused suddenly after much deliberation.

    You turned to face them and they were all staring at you with kind smiles. The sudden mood change made you shiver, but you brushed that aside. You were here for your goals and for what you loved...music. 

“Thanks.” You responded, setting up your alarm clock on the bedside table. Their eyes immediately went to that clock. 

     They exchanged glances and you raised an eyebrow. Your eyes flickered back and forth between their gazes and the clock. 

“Is there something wrong?” 

    The girl in the middle, very clearly the leader of this little posse, stood and walked towards you. Her mouth was twisted unhappily as she passed you and picked up the alarm clock. She moved it around in her hands for a moment, examining it. Then she plastered a smile on her face, placing it back on the table with perhaps too much force for the task. 

“It’s just that,” She started sweetly, “We all wake up at the same time and if you really want to wake up early, you’d have to get someone else on board with that, but don’t worry, you’ll want every second of sleep.” She laughed airily.

     The girl was naturally stunning. Her hair was bleached a light blonde, but her roots were growing back, creating a two-toned look. Her eyes were drawn upwards in a cat-like appearance and she held herself with confidence; shoulders pulled back, chest on display, preening like a peacock. 

“Setting an alarm is pointless anyway-” A girl piped up. 

“Yeah, the schedule changes so much-”

“And that would wake us all up!” They all began protesting. 

“In other words, it’s better if you didn’t, okay?” The leader crossed her arms, staring you up and down, her eyes tracing your figure invasively. 

“Okay.” You said, your voice barely above a whisper. 

   This was certainly a welcome you hadn’t expected. You hadn’t even expected a welcome and at this point you wished that you hadn’t gotten one at all. You slowly turned and placed the alarm in the drawer under the table. 

“Great! Now that it’s all settled, introduce yourself!” The leader clapped happily and you could tell she was used to getting her way. 

“Well, I’m Y/L/N Y/N.” You dipped your head in greeting and she nodded as if this was incredibly intriguing information. You appreciated her enthusiasm. 

“I’m Kim Yeona.” She reached out and extended her hand.

     You looked at the outstretched hand for a second longer than you should have. She gestured with her hand, trying to get you to shake her hand. 

“God, we’ve got another slow one.” Yeona said as if this was the entertainment of the century. 

    You swallowed thickly and shook her hand, trying not to squeeze too hard for fear her delicate bones may break under the grip of your calloused ones. 

“Welcome to hell.” She grinned.  

 “What do you like about yourself, Y/N?” Yeona kicked her legs in the air, hair sprawling across the dark wood floors as she hung upside down.

    In her hands was a textbook, of which she was lazily flipping through. Her eyes scanned each page, most likely taking in very little information. 

“Pardon?” You glanced up from your phone.

    You had recently discovered Yeona was only 16 years old, but she intimidated you more than any 18 year old your age could. 

“I said, what do you like about yourself, Y/N?” 

“Why do you ask?” You went back to your phone, wondering if you could shrink away from her gaze.

     A few hours had passed and the nicest thing Yeona had said to you so far was that she was glad you had arrived because they got the day off to ‘orient’ you. It had been a mostly rushed tour so that she could go back and work on homework.

    She was hardworking, you’d give her that, and she wasn’t unbearable, she just scared you 99% of the time and you had only been with her for less than 24 hours. 

“Well, you’re here to become an idol, to train and do what you love, right?” She stopped scanning her textbook and craned her neck to look at you. You really worried for her spine. 

“But that also means you’ve got to feel rather high of yourself to think you’ve got what it takes.” She turned over, now laying on her stomach, knuckles brushing the floor. 

You hummed in response. “And what does it take?” 

“Being good at dancing, fit, slim figure,” She crawled onto her elbows and gracefully pulled herself up to her feet. 

   You raised an eyebrow. She moved closer, close enough that you could see her faded nude lipstick. She lowered her voice. 

“You have to be attractive, noticeable, but able to blend in. You have to stay in your line, god forbid you fall behind, and most of all, you have to be perfect.” She reached over with her uniformly manicured nails, swiping non-existent dust off your shirt. 

“It’s not too late for you to bail now.” And her eyes held genuine concern.  

    You pressed your lips together, your fingers clenching and unclenching. You had worked, cried, sweat, and bled over getting this position. You pulled on a smile and found yourself laughing. 

“I’ve worked too hard to do that.” You chuckled and Yeona stepped away, confusion flickering across her face. Her lips twisted into a scowl and she flopped back on her bed. 

“You remind me of Snow White.”

“What?”

“That girl,” She rolled onto her back, facing the ceiling. “Runs away from the evil queen, fights for her life in a chase scene where she’s being hunted like prey, and then is saved by acts of kindness.” Yeona clicked her tongue.

 “The only catch in this story is that you won’t be getting any acts of kindness. You’re about to be hunted and you can’t stop running until you die.” She said it as easily as one breathes. You took a deep breath. 

“You talk big, Yeona.” 

“The hunters’ carved out my heart already, dear Y/N. It’s quite the common procedure here. Now answer my question. What the hell makes you special, princess?” 

     You felt your tongue stick to the roof of your mouth. 

“Determination. I won’t let anything get in my way.”

“You and the other one hundred girls here. Try again.” 

“Dancing, I’m good at dancing!” 

“We have a girl here who almost went to the Royal Ballet School but dropped it all for this. Try again.” 

“I’m...attractive?” 

Her eyes looked up an down skeptically. “You flatter yourself.” 

You took a deep breath, struggling to find your next words. “I...I don’t know, Yeona. I don’t know why they accepted me.” 

She nodded tersely. “That’s what I thought.” 

     It wasn’t even light out when you arrived at your first dance training session of the day. While around a third of the trainees went to school after this practice, you would be given free time and extra practice time. Yeona had told you this was absurdly unfair, as if you had anything to do with this scheduling. 

     The practice room was a vibrant wood, light, and illuminated through harsh fluorescent lights. You blinked against the harsh lights, the mirrors along the far right wall reflecting the glare. 

   There was only one other girl with you and she seemed to have been here much longer than you had. She stretched, earbuds popped in, and you didn't want to disturb her. You took in the room. You had dreamed of being here...for ages. 

    You seemed to be the only one in awe as several other girls happily trotted in, water bottles in hand and hair pulled into sleek ponytails. A couple looked you up and down, but the rest simply walked by, undeterred by the new face. 

    You probably looked like a mess. You turned to view yourself in the mirror. Yeah, you definitely looked like a train wreck. It was no wonder the others didn’t seem threatened by you. Well, you planned on proving them wrong.

     The others began stretching while you stood dumbly, trying to get a grasp on what was happening. A woman, who you assumed to be the dance instructor, stood to the left wall next to the mirror with her weight on her left hip. She lazily scrolled through her phone, holding a coffee, and looking up every now and then to watch the trainees. 

     You moved to the right, looking for a good place to stretch and warm up, but it seemed everyone had their place. Your eyes glanced around. The minutes were ticking down for the official start of class. The girl from earlier looked up from her stretches and made eye contact with you. Wordlessly, she gestured for you to come over. 

    You instantly smiled and relief overwhelmed you. At least you didn’t have to be the odd one out for now. You took a place beside her and stretched quietly. Everyone seemed to have their own music going or they were chatting lowly, a few laughs escaped the groups every now and then. 

     You began to stretch, extending your legs and pulling your arms to your chest. The girl watched you for a moment and you tried not to seem discomforted by this. This entire experience was so foreign and new, you wondered how you would get used to it. 

“So you’re new, huh?” The girl asked, her voice lowered to blend in with the murmurs of everyone else. 

“Yeah.” You replied, pressing your forehead to your knee. 

“I’m Lee-min.” She sat up straight and reached out. You shook her hand. 

“Nice to meet you. I’m Y/N.” You smiled. 

“That’s a pretty name.” Lee-min turned back to her stretches, now moving her arms side to side as she warmed up her back muscles. “I know it’s really hard to get into the groove of things, but you’ll get used to it.” 

“Are you new too?” 

“Me?” She laughed lightly. “God, no. I’ve been here for three years. Here’s to this year being my debut. JYM has been giving me hints I might be debuting this year.” 

“That’s exciting!” 

“I know.” She smiled softly, almost wearily. She looked tired, with a pale face and soft black hair. “I have another friend here, Ae-cha. She’s not in this session though, she goes with the later crew because she has before school activities.” 

    She glanced around and leaned in. 

“She’s student council president.” She whispered, as if it was a well-kept secret. “I keep telling her to drop the extracurriculars before she runs herself to death. Like, isn’t this enough of an extracurricular? But she insists and she’s a hardworking girl. I think she’s just worried that if this doesn’t work out, she’ll have nothing to fall back on.”

“That’s a valid concern,” You started, but Lee-min had a dark look in her eye, a sort of desperation as if saying this has to work. “But I can see how you’d be worried.”

    She seemed pleased with this answer and went back to her stretches. “Oh and by the way, that girl over there with Kim Yeona,”

“Kim Yeona is my roommate-”

“-I’m so sorry, anyway, that’s Park Hea and she’s a bitch. Stay away from her. She’s one of my roommates and she never has anything nice to say.” 

“Got it.” You nodded, watching the girl with silver hair and plump lips glance your way. She smirked and turned back to Yeona. The minutes ticked by. 

“Alright, let’s get to it, girls.” The instructor clapped her hands. “Now for those of you who are new,” Everyone’s eyes went to you. “I’m instructor Kim Minsuh. Now, pay attention. I’ll show you the moves, you do it, and then we’ll speed it up, okay?” 

“Okay.” Everyone chorused and you awkwardly joined in. 

“This one starts on the fourth count, take your hand here-” She started and you tried to follow along best you could, but you had trained in dance for very little time and your body was not moving in the ways it should. 

“Y/N!” Minsuh shouted and the other girls kept their eyes respectfully forward except for Park Hea, who watched you with a predatory gaze. She looked smug, her lips curled upwards as the instructor pushed past the other girls to berate you. 

“Y/N, what do you think you’re doing?” 

“I-I’m sorry-”

“All the other girls are getting it just fine. What’s wrong with you, huh? Do it again, just you.” The woman snapped. 

    You nodded, your heart pounding, your ears growing red. 

“Five, six, seven, eight. One and two and three and-wrong.” She frowned. “Pause.” She held up a hand and you awkwardly paused in your position. She moved in front of you, showing you the position once more. “Like this.” She then turned and began moving your hands and legs around to perfectly replicate her. “Now just do that.” 

   You swallowed your tongue and nodded once more. You had always been a bit hot headed, but you were determined to get through this day without fucking anything else up. You needed to get past this moment, do this, and excel. That was the goal. 

“Five, six, seven, eight. One and two and three and-wrong.” She barked. “I just showed you, how are you not understanding?” 

“Can we,” You bit your lip anxiously. “Can we just go over it again?” 

“What? You want to slow everyone else down?” She seemed appalled by this suggestion. “I can’t believe this. This is your first day, right? Get used to it.” She looked you up and down. “You know, a skinnier frame extends the line of movement better. You’ll look more delicate.” She said casually, returning to her place. “Practice on your own time.” 

     Lee-min waved you over to her table and you joined her. The table was wood, a faded teal color. You yawned and Lee-min smiled a little. 

“You look tired. Here,” She passed you her drink. “It’s just coffee.” She assured you and took it with a shrug. 

“I never thought it would be anything else.” You chuckled, taking a sip. The bitter taste slid down your throat and you let out a sigh. “These are awful beans.”

“Hey, we take what we can get.” She picked up her napkin. 

     On her plate was a single serving of rice. You looked to your plate. On it was a serving of rice, a serving of noodles, and green beans. You felt suddenly self conscious. You scanned the rest of the lunch room. 

    The only one with nearly the same amount of food as you was Park Hea. She had a mountain of food, two, three, servings of rice, a heaping portion of noodles, a couple green beans. You watched her as she began to devour her plate. 

“Anyway, did you hear anything I was just telling you?” 

“What?” You tuned back in to Lee-min. “No, sorry.” You admitted sheepishly. 

“I appreciate your honesty.” She said, putting down her napkin with a sigh. “Ae-cha is late again. We barely have any time to eat and she always misses half of it-”

“What were you saying about me?” A steely voice cut through the conversation and Lee-min turned to look at a girl with combat boots, a school uniform on, and snow white hair. 

“Aessi!” Lee-min’s face immediately lit up and the girl, Ae-cha, stiffened as her friend wrapped her in a big hug. “You’re late again.”

“Sorry, student council kept me late.” Ae-cha slid over another chair and sat down, taking out her small serving of noodles. 

“I told you,” Lee-min tsked unhappily. “They’re working you to death.” 

“Hah, no, that’s this place’s job.” The white haired girl laughed, her black lipstick pulling up with her lips. 

“You’re right about that.” Lee-min picked up her chopsticks and gestured to her. “Now eat up, we barely have any time left.”

“You’re like my mom and I left her to come to this place for a reason.” Ae-cha rolled her eyes, but dug into her meal quickly. 

“She likes to pretend she doesn’t like my affection but she’s actually a real softy.” Lee-min teased and Ae-cha crossed her arms unhappily. 

     Your attention drifted once more. Park Hea and Kim Yeona were laughing loudly, not caring about the cafeteria hearing. Hea’s stomach was bloated, looking almost uncomfortably so. 

     You glanced away, feeling bad about staring at her. She whispered something to Yeona and headed off in the direction of the bathrooms. You suspected she had way too much to eat. The meal had looked big enough to feed three people anyway. 

“Aren’t you going to introduce me to your new friend?” Ae-cha cleared her throat. 

“Soon to be yours too!” Lee-min smiled and reached over, patting your arm. You shifted your concentration back to the conversation. 

“I’m Y/N.” You greeted her. 

“I’m Ae-cha.” 

“I know.” You smiled warily. 

Ae-cha grasped her heart in mock shock, playfully slapping her friend. “Excuse me! What did I say about giving other people first impressions of me before I can introduce myself!” 

“I dunno.” Lee-min shrugged, a cheeky smile on her face. 

“You absolute dummy!” Ae-cha shouted. 

“Yeah, but you love me.” The other girl laughed, the sound wavering as Ae-cha playfully shook her shoulders. 

“God, it’s like we’re high. I’m pretty sure everyone thinks we are. We’re such crackheads sometimes, you know?” Lee-min chuckled, running out of breath as Ae-cha moved on to tickling her armpits.

    You couldn’t help laughing along with them. Lee-min’s laugh was infectious and Ae-cha’s smile made you want to smile as well. 

      A few weeks past and you had firmly decided you hated vocal training the most. Vocal training was a nightmare. Your voice was untrained, self taught. Your throat was straining, the muscles working hard to hit your notes. 

     You were trying your best, but your voice kept cracking. Your best wasn’t enough, yet. Soon it would be, but for now, you were stuck with this. 

“Remember to breathe, Y/N. You keep running out of breath and that’s certainly not good.” The teacher scolded, coming over and placing a hand on your back and a hand on your chest. She straightened your spine and then moved back to her place. 

“One more time, girls.” She announced sunnily. 

     You sang your little heart out, you really tried, but singing really wasn’t for you. You couldn’t figure it out. You brought up your thoughts to Lee-min later that night. 

     It was an hour before curfew. You and Park Hea switched rooms for the time being until curfew because Hea was a friend of Yeona and you, with Lee-min and Ae-cha. Lee-min was lying on the floor, staring at her phone. Ae-cha walked through the door, her towel wrapped around her body as she began to change into her pajamas. 

“You had a nice long shower.” Lee-min declared, not looking up from her phone. You sat on Ae-cha’s bed. Their room was so much cleaner than yours. You were envious of that. 

“I like to take my time.” Ae-cha retorted. 

“And you probably used up all the hot water.” The other girl responded with an equal amount of force. 

“How could you think me so low?” 

   To this, Lee-min snorted and rolled over, her back to Ae-cha. You chuckled at their antics. Their bickering was so normal, so routine. There was a long silence as the day’s work finally set into your bones.

     You were tired, exhausted. Even Lee-min, who was normally hyper, had her eyes fluttering open and shut, clearly wishing to sleep. 

“Do you guys think that I’m not supposed to be here?” You wondered aloud. Ae-cha glanced over to you and Lee-min raised an eyebrow, setting down her phone. 

“What do you mean?” 

“It’s too early for you to be thinking that.” They echoed. 

“It’s just...I’m not particularly outstanding in any one thing.” You averted your eyes to the floor. The old creases of the wood dug into your feet. 

“That’s not true! You’re beautiful, a great dancer, and perfectly fit to be here.” Lee-min protested. 

“You and I both know that’s not true.” You argued. There was a squeak, signalling someone was entering the room. Ae-cha and Lee-min’s room had a pesky floorboard under the carpet that squeaked every time you stepped on it. 

“You’re just a filler, we all know it.” Hea’s voice shot through the argument like a bullet. You looked at her, shock on your face. 

“What? You asked. I’ll answer you honestly, unlike these dogs.” Hea sneered, stepping through the doorway. “You’re not special in anything. You’re just okay and they’ll stick you into a group where they want to make another member shine brighter next to you.” She took her hair tie out of her hair and climbed onto her bed. “It’s time to switch rooms, newbie.” 

    You nodded awkwardly, standing and leaving the room, sparing a single glance behind you. Yeona was already asleep and the silent dorm had your ears ringing. 

      A few days turned to weeks turned to months. You gradually grew into the schedule, the monotony, the beauty. You were constantly surrounded by people who were ten times better than you, ten times more qualified, ten times prettier, and it pushed you further. 

     You were driven even further towards your goal. You wanted to debut. You wanted to make music, to dance, to perform, more than anything you else you had ever wanted. And for the longest time, this was only what you wanted. 

“Girls!” Minsuh entered the room, clapping her hands together. “I have a surprise! A member from HOME is here with us to teach us a dance for the final assessment.” 

    Hea and Yeona immediately turned to each other, squealing excitedly while you looked over to Lee-min and Ae-cha happily. 

“Wow, can you believe that?” You whispered to Lee-min. “I wonder who it is.” 

     HOME, the hottest boy group on the market. They were made of eight members and known for their stunning visuals, killer dancing capabilities, and heavenly singing. They had it all. You wanted it all too. 

“Haven’t you heard?” Ae-cha leaned over to you. “It’s Jung Hoseok. He’s the best dancer in HOME.” 

“I know that.” You whispered furiously. “But how did they get him to teach us?” 

“I don’t know. Magic?” Ae-cha shrugged. 

“What are you guys talking about?” Lee-min leaned over so far, her face planted into your lap. 

“Class! Welcome Mr. Jung!” Minsuh moved to the side.

     A man with a slim build, sweatpants, and a white shirt walked in. He wore a thick black jacket and sneakers. His eyes scanned the room, stopping on you. He tilted his head slightly, eyes narrowing, and then moving to the front of the room. 

“Please, just call me Hoseok.” He smiled and his face lit up the room like a thousand burning stars. Your eyes widened. How could he be even more handsome in person? “Today I’ll be teaching you while your kind instructor Minsuh takes some time off, yeah?” 

Minsuh nodded quickly. “I appreciate it, Hoseok.” 

“Have fun!” He called as she waved and exited the room without another word. “Okay, let’s run through what you’ve learned so far. Five, six, seven, eight. One and two and three and four and five, and six and seven and eight.” He continued counting. You could feel his piercing stare. You knew you were messing up, big time, but you just kept going. 

“Okay, great. A couple notes.” He moved through the room, correcting one by one. “And you, what’s your name?” He stopped in front of you. 

“Y/N. Y/L/N Y/N.” You said quickly. 

“Hm, okay, well,” He stood in front of you, showing you the move again. “There are a couple parts that aren’t very clean right now, but I know you have it down. You just have to practice. I suggest extra practice in your free time.” He said it as if he was a doctor prescribing medicine. You nodded.

     He adjusted your position, his hands were warm and dry. You could feel his touch linger as he gently prodded your hands and feet into the right place. 

“I will.” 

His face lit up. “Great! Keep up the good work! Okay everyone,” He clapped. “Let’s move on.” 

    Sweat on the floor, pooling on your forehead, sliding down the slope of your nose, the salty taste on your lips. You ran the moves over and over. As your stamina began running low, your legs stumbled, your footwork grew sloppier, your legs were burning. You kept going. 

    You stumbled for the water bottle you had brought and chugged at least half of it. You swiped the sweat from your forehead. You glanced at your body through the mirror, really getting a close look at it. 

    You moved closer to your reflection, gently caressing your jawline and pulling up your shirt to study the body fat on your stomach. You found yourself reaching up to squeeze the extra bit of fat. You moved it around between your fingers, staring at yourself. For the first time, a looming sense of dread came over you.

    Stop. You told yourself. It’s just a bit of fat. It’s fine. Everyone has it. You went back to your position, playing the music and starting the choreography. You needed to get this down. All your brain power was used to focus on these moves. You just needed to get through it once. 

   The music faded out and you realized you had dazed out halfway through. You let out an angered groaned and stepped closer to the mirror. You brushed your hand over your cheeks, checking for acnes spots. Then you held up your arms checking for upper arm fat. 

    The door opened. 

     You whipped around, releasing your arm and stepping backwards. Hoseok stood in the doorway, eyes flickering between you and the mirror. He gently set down his bag. 

“Everything alright?” 

“Yup! Just practicing!” 

“I….heard. Lee-min told me you were in here.” 

“Just uh...following the doctor’s orders.” 

“And I’m the doctor?” He raised an eyebrow. 

“...yes?” 

    Then, he started laughing loudly. 

“Yeah, surprisingly, that’s not the first time I’ve heard that.” He chuckled. “Here, try again and I’ll watch and give you some tips.”

“Wow that would be...amazing.” You breathed. “I’ve been struggling a bit.” 

“I know.” He nodded. 

“Oh.”

“It’s not bad!” He shook his head, moving towards you. He took a seat in front of the mirror. “I used to struggle a lot too until someone was kind enough to reach out and help me. I wanted to do the same.” 

    You smiled and he easily returned it. 

“Okay, five, six, seven, eight.” 

     You began the dance and he watched you, his analytical eyes scanning your every movement, picking apart the problems. 

“That was a good start. You need to make your movements sharper. Like here, you hear this BOOM in the music and you need to do the movement quickly. Like this.” He demonstrated and you followed along. “Good, try again.” 

“Five, six, seven, eight.” He clapped on beat. This time he danced with you. “Pah pah pah PAH pah,” He said and you smiled at his sound effects, of which scarily worked. 

     You could feel the beat. The movements were in your bones, you could feel yourself sinking into each move, putting your all into every action. You were doing it. Each one went fluidly into the next one. It made sense, finally. The music ended and you stood, breathless. 

“That’s it!” He exclaimed after you had finished. 

     You smiled brightly, extremely pleased with yourself. You had finally done it! The hardest moves, everything. You were ecstatic, truly. It felt like it was about to burst out of you.

     Dance had been a pain, but now you could see, it was extremely fun. There was a reason you had wanted to do this. 

“Thank you, Hoseok.” You smiled. “I’m not much of a dancer, but that felt really good.” You instinctually hugged him and he took a step back, surprised, before hugging you back. 

“Ah, it’s no problem. If you need any more help, I’m on a break for this month.” He opened his phone. “Let me give you my number. If you need anything, let me know.” 

“See you later, then, I always need help it seems.” You laughed, grabbing your bag and leaving the room. 

     Hea always had way too much on her plate, quite literally. You always wondered how she managed it and kept a nice form. For lunch, you followed Lee-min’s lead and got a portion of rice, but you also got a portion of noodles. 

    Your stomach was growling in hunger and you knew you needed the fuel for later. Every other day, instead of dance practice in the afternoon, you had a workout block. It was horrible. Not many people enjoyed it and you were one of them. 

“Ugh the workout might actually kill me today.” Lee-min pressed her forehead to the table. 

“You’ll be fine.” Ae-cha chided. 

“Shut up Miss ‘I’m team captain of the cross country club’.” Lee-min groaned. 

“You do cross country?” You piped up, picking up your chopsticks and digging into the food. 

“Yeah!” Ae-cha’s eyes brightened. “I love running, makes me feel good, like I’m going somewhere.”

“But she refuses to use the treadmills.” 

“Well I can’t explain it...I just don’t like it…” Ae-cha scratched the back of her head. 

“No, no, I get it.” You smiled. “It kind of sucks to be running but not actually going anywhere.” 

“Yeah, that’s exactly it, Y/N! Gosh you’re so smart.” Ae-cha said hurriedly and Lee-min rolled her eyes. 

“Yeah yeah, just go ahead and kiss each other’s asses while you’re at it.” The other girl said grumpily. 

“Aw you love us, Lee-min.” You poked her arm playfully. 

“Yeah yeah. Are you going to eat that?” Ae-cha pointed to your practically untouched food. You had completely forgotten about it. Your stomach rumbled and you nodded. 

“Yeah, sorry, I just spaced out.”

“Well you should eat quick, people are already cleaning up.” Ae-cha grinned and stood, taking her tray to the food waste bin and kitchen.

     You quickly chomped down on your food and then followed her lead. Lee-min rose after you. Your eyes trailed Hea as she rushed off in search of the bathroom once more. You averted your eyes, deciding it was none of your business. 

 “The final assessment is coming up in a month.” Hoseok said, scrolling lazily through his phone. You were both collapsed on the floor of the dance studio after a hard training session. 

“Oh yeah?” You responded, distracted by the posts on your phone. 

“Yeah. It’s big. You have to pass or you’ll be put back on training for who knows how long.” 

“Really?” You sat up and put away your phone.

    He followed your actions, facing you with his legs crossed. There was a light buzz as the fluorescent lights flickered ever so slightly. 

“Mhmmm.” He hummed. “I passed first time, but some people I know didn’t and...they’re still trainees. Even after all this time.” His lips pulled down into a frown and your stomach sank. 

“So I guess I have to pass.” 

“Yup.” He stood, offering you a hand. You took it, standing up slowly. “I plan on helping you get there.” 

“How much longer do you have on break?” You tilted your head and he donned a pensive look. 

“Hmmm about another two weeks.” 

“Ah, well, I guess you should spend your time relaxing, Hoseok, not helping me out.” 

    His gaze softened slightly and he turned away, facing the mirror. His eyes flickered over to yours in the reflection. 

“Don’t worry, Y/N, I want to be here. Besides, it would be awfully boring alone in the dorm for all that time.” 

    You began to dance once more. You tried not to pay attention to how his touch lingered on your arm or how he fixed you with a heated stare every time you moved. You tried to ignore the flutter in your stomach and the awkward tension in the air every time he placed a hand to your waist. 

     He held your wrists in his hands and he leaned closer. Your heart was pounding. Was he going to kiss you? Was he going to ask you out?

“Have you lost weight?” Was what he asked. 

    To which you pulled back immediately. You wrapped your arms around your body. 

“What do you mean? No I haven’t.” You snapped. 

“You can tell me if something’s wrong.” He furrowed his eyebrows, stepping closer, and now you felt like a caged animal. 

“Nothing’s wrong!” You blurted. 

    Your phone started ringing and you excused yourself, checking who it was as you ducked into the hallway. It was your mother. You frowned and pressed the decline button. Didn’t she know you were busy? You ducked back into the room. 

“Sorry...about that.” 

“No, it’s okay. I know these things can be touchy. It wasn’t my place.” But there was a sadness in his voice. 

“It’s fine. It’s not a big deal.” You assured him. “Let’s just continue.”

 “Y/N, are you going to eat that?” Ae-cha leaned over. 

     Your nerves were fried. You had so much work to do, you couldn’t imagine how Lee-min was feeling since she had at leas twice your work, but she seemed happy. 

     You had circles forming under your eyes and that damn song was just playing over and over. You had maybe three hours of sleep in the past four days. 

“No, no, take it.” You handed her your portion of rice. 

“Are you sure you don’t want it?” 

“Yeah, I’ll get a snack later.” You said and you knew you wouldn’t but it placated them well enough. 

“You should eat it. We have the workout later.” Ae-cha said, quickly turning back to her food. 

“No, you just said you wanted it.”

“But now I feel bad, I didn’t think you’d actually give it to me.” 

“What, you think I’m a pig?” 

“That’s not what I was saying at all!” 

“That’s what it sounded like-”

“Oh my god, shut up you two.” Lee-min rested her head on the table, starting to doze off. 

“Lee-min you really should sleep.” You said soothingly, rubbing her back. 

“Yeah but I don’t have time.”

“Coffee does the trick.” Ae-cha chimed in, dropping the previous subject with ease. 

“Ah yeah, coffee is great.” You agreed. 

“I hate the taste of those burnt beans. You know this.” she groaned. 

“I know, I know, but you also need to stay safe and passing out from exhaustion isn’t good for you.” You scolded, ignoring the turning feeling in your stomach. You begged it not to rumble or else Ae-cha would be up your ass again. 

 “I can’t do it!” You shouted angrily, pacing and grabbing at your hair. Hoseok trailed you with a concerned look on his face. 

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, roadblocks are natural in these stages.” 

“My body won’t do what I want it to do! Why can’t I just do it?!” You hissed, slapping your thighs angrily. “Move, legs! Move!” You berated yourself. The fat jiggled and you wanted to carve it right off of you. 

“Y/N.”

“Why can’t I just do it.” You repeated. “Everyone else can do it.” 

“Y/N.” 

“God why am I even here, I can’t even do the most basic move-”

“Y/N!” He grabbed your shoulders, shaking you quickly and you stopped mid sentence. 

“Please stop. This is a hard move. It’s perfectly okay to not be able to do it. But I believe you can pull it off. This...this is normal, to have issues, I mean. You just need to get your body used to this. I have faith you can do it and it really kills me to hear you say this about yourself.” 

    Your breath caught in your throat. Your shoulders heaved up and down, the panic leaving your system as you followed the soothing pattern of his breathing. 

“I’m sorry.” You said miserably, sinking to the ground and putting your head in your hands. “I think I’m just...really cranky lately. I snapped at Lee-min and Ae-cha the other day. God I’m such an asshole.” 

“You’re not an asshole. Have you been eating?” 

“Of course I have!” 

“Really? So if I went to ask Ae-cha if you’ve been eating, she’d say yes?” 

“Mhm.” You said uncertainly. 

“That doesn’t sound so sure.” 

“Well, it is.” You snapped, turning away from him. He frowned and scooted closer, placing a hand on your thigh. 

“You need to eat.” 

“And I am.” 

“Sure.” He was obviously not buying it, but if it could keep him off your back, then you were happy. 

 “Are you feeling alright, Y/N?” Yeona glanced up from her phone. You paused your writing for a moment. The lightest of pencil marks traced the page with lyrics unsung. 

“Yeah, I’m fine, why?” 

“Nothing.” Yeona went back to her screen. 

    The other three girls in your dorm were out shopping with one of the few free days you had. You knew Lee-min and Ae-cha were working extremely hard, but mostly Lee-min. She’d been here for years so you assumed she was trying to pull out all the stops so she could debut. 

    You didn’t blame her, but you were worried. She was so quiet now, falling asleep at lunch, and practicing for days without sleep. You thought it best to leave her alone today. 

“Okay…” You turned back to your work, the soft sound of pencil on paper marking the page. 

“What’s your family like?” Yeona piped up again and you set down your pencil, swiveling around in the chair. 

    You had gotten here before everyone else and got to claim the lone desk, although usually you left it for Yeona as she needed to do homework. 

“I have one brother, a mother, and a father.” You said vaguely. 

“Older or younger?” 

“What?”

“Your brother.”

“Older.” 

“Did he want to be an idol too?” 

     You fell quiet and Yeona raised an eyebrow. You chuckled softly to yourself.

 “No, god no, that boy can’t even handle going to the grocery store without having a meltdown. He’s a hypochondriac and a serious germophobe. My mom stays home to make sure he’s alright. She always gives him special attention.” Yeona’s eyebrows furrowed in thought and you scratched the back of your neck. “Anyway-”

“I’m sorry, that must have been tough to be around.”

“No, it was fine. He needs it.” You said stiffly, turning back to your work. 

    Another long pause. You could hear the sound of girls exiting and entering, laughing loudly or with quiet footsteps. It was calming. The window was open in your dorm and there was a light breeze that ruffled your papers. It was a sunny day, a good day. 

“So...you and Hoseok.”

“What?”

“You’ve been practicing with Jung.” 

“I don’t see how that’s any of your business.” You said lightly, keeping your eyes glued to the page, but your heart was racing just at the sound of his name. 

“I’m just saying, people are beginning to talk.”

“The relationship between me and Hoseok,” You started and she perked up. You swivelled around in your seat again, fixing her with a hard stare. “Is strictly professional. We each have something we need to be doing and we each have a means to an end. Any other questions?” 

She grinned at your response, which took you off guard. 

“Nope. I’ve got all the information I need.” She stood and stepped through the doorway, which prompted you to follow her quickly. 

“What do you mean by that?!” You shouted as she strutted down the hall.

     She smiled and waved before slipping into a room a few doors down. You sighed and collapsed to the ground. The final assessment was a little over three weeks away now. You were beat down from all the practice and training, but you still had an urge to dance. You sat up and reached for your phone, sending a quick text. 

See you in five. 

     You eagerly stood and pulled on some clothes for dancing; light, breathable leggings and a crop top. You stared at your figure in the mirror on the back of the door. 

     A frown twisted onto your face and you slid your hands down your stomach. Then you turned to the side, grabbing at the fat bunched up around your hips. You removed the crop top and decided on a thin t-shirt instead. 

“I’m heading out to the dance studio.” You said, popping your head into Ae-cha and Lee-min’s room.

    It was always good to have someone know where you were in case something happened.

“Okay you busy bee! Actually, I should probably do some work, too.” Lee-min said, starting to stand up, but Ae-cha grabbed her hand. The other girl pulled her down and locked her into a brace. 

“You’ve been working too hard, minnie,” Ae-cha protested, holding down her arms in a bone crushing hug. “Quick! Run, Y/N, before she can join you!” 

     You laughed and bid them goodbye, the echoes of Lee-min arguing with Ae-cha bounced off the walls as you left the building. It was sunny, but there was a cool breeze that had you shivering, but you were always cold nowadays. 

Don’t you have lunch soon? We can postpone practice.

No, don’t worry about me, I ate a big breakfast. You replied quickly, walking across the grounds to the dance studio building.

     JYM was a big entertainment with a college-like training facility. There were three dorm buildings, a training center with dance studios and practice rooms, a recording studio, and a few buildings off to the side for already debuted groups to live. 

    Everyone longed for those dorms. They were spacious with lots of comfortable furniture and luxuries. It was a shame so few groups could actually enjoy them with their busy schedules. 

    You saw Hoseok leaving his building and you quickly waved. He looked up, having seen a movement in his peripheral. 

“Ah! Y/N!” He called. 

“You ready to get this dance down?” You shouted, picking up the pace to walk next to him. 

     He nodded, a giddy smile on his face, and you could tell he really loved dance. This love might’ve even started to rub off on you as well because you found yourself getting excited to dance. You told yourself it wasn’t just because of him, because now you could feel it in your bones when a song came on. You wanted to dance. 

“You know it.” He bumped into your side and you bumped him back. 

    This went back and forth until you were practically shoving him to the grass. He didn’t seem to mind, reaching out from his place on the ground and catching your ankle. 

“Ah! Ow!” You cried out, clutching your ankle tightly. His eyes went wide and he scrambled up. 

“Oh my god, Y/N, are you okay?!” He shook you as if that was going to help anything 

“Yeah, just, help me up.” You reached out a hand and he, foolishly, took it. 

     You pulled him to the ground and pounced, placing your hands next to his head and straddling his waist. 

“Gotcha.” You said slyly. 

     You could get lost in his dark brown eyes. They were like muddy pools of water in a dry desert. They could revive you for miles. You blinked. His ears went red and you gulped, realizing exactly what position you were in. 

“Uh...woops, uh, sorry, this is, uh, awkward.” You whispered quietly, rolling off of him and standing up, brushing the dirt and grass off your pants. You held out your hand and he glanced at it skeptically. 

“Oh come on, I can’t trick you again, Jung.” You rolled your eyes and he let out a dry laugh, taking your hand and hoisting himself up. 

“You shouldn’t joke about those things. I thought you were seriously hurt.” He said sternly. 

“Or maybe I’m just a great actress.” You teased, but his face remained solemn. 

“I take the health of my teammates and the people around me very seriously, Y/N.” He huffed. “And you’re someone I care about so of course I’ll be concerned.” 

    You paused, looking at him with a blank expression for a moment. Then you nodded. 

“I understand. Sorry about that, but it’s okay to say you were tricked. I was just joking around.” You said, but the guilt was crawling up your veins. For some reason, his words made your skin crawl in embarrassment. 

     You entered the practice room and set down your things. 

“Did you bring a water bottle?” He asked, his voice ticking upwards in disbelief. 

“No…” You said guiltily. “It’s this new thing I’m on. JYM says it’s good for, uhm, losing excess weight.”

“You need water, Y/N.” He sighed in exasperation and dug around his bag. “Here, take my extra one and go fill it up in the water fountain.” 

     You nodded and took the bottle he held out, rushing to the water fountain outside. You followed his commands without a second thought. 

“You filled it all the way?” He came over to inspect your work as you returned to the room. 

“Yup.” You smiled and he checked the level. He gave an approving nod and went to the front of the room. 

“Let’s go over it again.” 

     The music started and your body seemed to move on its own. The movements were in you and you knew you were on fire. It was astonishing for you. You didn’t think you had it in you, but as you watched yourself in the mirror, you could feel it was going well. You hit each beat, perfectly accentuated your poses. It was a miracle for you. 

“Well, Y/N, it seems you’ve got it down.” He smiled proudly, walking over to you. “You don’t need me anymore. Just keep practicing on your own and you’ll be fine.” 

      His hands were burning through your t-shirt, heating your cold arms. His body was so close to yours, you just wanted to press yourself against him and never let go. When he smiled, his brilliant white teeth blinded you, but you had no complaints. You leaned in every so slightly. 

“It’s all thanks to you…” And as he began to pull away, you reached out and desperately clutched onto his arms again. “But wait! I think I need some help on that, uh, that move at count four-”

“Y/N.” He tsked disapprovingly, he tilted his nose up, closing his eyes in frustration. “You’ve had that move down since day one. Don’t pretend you don’t know it now.” 

    You wanted his touch to linger, no, actually, you just wanted him to linger. You wanted him to want you, just like how you wanted everyone else in the goddamn world to want you. 

“But I don’t!” You insisted. “See!” You demonstrated the move and he sighed heavily. 

“You know it, stop pretending you don’t.” 

“I don’t!” You repeated, with more force. 

    Just stay stay stay. He was slipping out of your grasp like everything else. Your phone buzzed with a call. You rushed over, glancing at the caller ID. It was your mother. You scoffed and quickly declined. Then you turned back to him. 

“Please, let’s just go over it one more time.” Your fingernails dug into your palms, leaving deep crescent moons. 

“Y/N, why are you doing this?” He asked, pleaded. 

“Because I’m in love with you!” You blurted out. “I’m in love with everything you do. The way you carry yourself, the way you dance, the way you teach and handle everything you care about with such kindness. I love how you light up a room and how you can somehow see the good in everyone. I love how you believe in me, even when I don’t believe in myself.” 

     He was silent, staring at you with an unreadable expression. Your chest heaved up and down, the anxiety creeping farther up your spine as the silence stretched on. He seemed to be in thought. After a moment, he let out a breath, donning his usual smile, the smile you had fallen for completely. 

“It’s a good thing I feel the same way, Y/N.” He whispered and stepped towards you. You sucked in a breath, moving closer. 

“Really?” 

“Yeah, really.” He leaned in close, his nose brushing yours.

    The fluorescent lights felt like the perfect mood lighting, harsh and open, but stunning at the same time, just like his kiss as he crushed his lips to yours. His kiss was rough, but his hands were soft and his breath was hushed. He simply guided you like a lost lamb, tongue searching for entrance to your mouth and you easily gave in. 

    You held onto fistfuls of his shirt, drawing him closer and he gripped your waist harshly. He pulled away and your eyes fluttered open. He was shockingly beautiful, there was no way that just happened. 

“So what happens from here?” You asked hesitantly. 

“Well, we have to keep this a secret, obviously.” He chuckled. 

“I think Yeona’s already on to us.”

“Who?”

“My roommate.” You groaned unhappily. 

“Aw c’mon, is she really that bad?” He brushed against your shoulder playfully.

     You laughed and let your head fall on his shoulder. You watched yourself in the mirror. You looked like a normal, happy couple. But you couldn’t be. You couldn’t ever have this, not long term. It was a finality that terrified you. 

“Yes, she is.” You stated firmly. 

    You didn’t want to bring down the mood of the moment. Everything was right in this world at this moment. Things were looking up, they were finally going your way. Your phone rang again, the melody beeping out loudly. You sighed and removed yourself from his grasp, checking your phone. 

“Isn’t it lunch time for you?” He asked while you furrowed your eyebrows. 

“Yeah, but it’s fine I already ate earlier.” You said easily “Gosh, my mom has been calling non-stop. It’s like she has no idea I have things to do.”

“When did you last see them?” Hoseok asked as you pressed decline. 

“A little under a year now. It’s fine though, they never really noticed me. They didn’t care if I went running off to train to be an idol.” You shrugged and dropped your phone back in your bag. 

“Now...want to run the dance again?” 

     Hoseok went back to regular training the next week, but it had been a happy week of practice and quiet nights spent together in the dance room. Now you laid awake, alone, in your dorm room. Surrounded, but alone. 

     Yeona slept across from you, the other girls tossing and turning. Tensions were high and you barely had any time to speak with Lee-min and Ae-cha. There were only two weeks left before the final assessment and you barely had time to even look at anyone, let alone speak. 

     You were exhausted, it was 1 A.M. and you had to be awake in two hours, but instead, you were restless. The soft sounds of footsteps and quiet conversations carried through the dorm. The window was closed to the frigid air outside, but it didn’t help much. The heat in your room was broken. You were freezing even more than you were usually. 

    Your phone buzzed. You had turned the ringer off, but the buzz itself was crazy loud. Yeona shifted and you didn’t want to wake her, so you grabbed your phone and slipped out of the room. It was your mother. You glanced around the hallway. It was dark, the light of the moon filtering in through the windows at each end. 

     You pressed accept and pressed the phone to your ear. 

“Yeah?” 

“Oh, Y/N, there you are. I’ve been trying to reach you-”

“Yeah, I know, mom, what do you want?” 

“I was just calling to check up on you and-”

“I have a lot on my plate. I’m really busy. Is this important?” You bit back harshly, tapping your foot impatiently against the carpet.

    The dull thump was loud against the silence. You crossed your arms, biting at your lip. 

“Yes, Y/N.” Your mother sighed.

    She sounded tired and your expression softened, even though you knew she couldn’t see you. 

“Is everything alright?” You asked, your tone lighter than before. A yawn was threatening to break through. 

“No. Y/N...your brother has fallen ill. Dangerously so. He’s in critical condition and it would be really nice if you could make it out here-” She started and now you could hear the subtle sounds of rustling and talking in the background. She was at the hospital. You looked guiltily to the ground and let out a sigh. 

“I’m sorry, mom. Things have gotten so crazy around here. The final assessment is just around the corner and I’ve got to pass. I just don’t see how I can find the time…” 

“Please, Y/N. We’re your blood, your family. Don’t we come first?” 

“You’ve never put me first, mom.” You said with a frown and you were sure she could hear it too. 

“That’s untrue!” 

“I’m sorry, I’ve got to go. I have to be awake in another hour.” You paused. “Get some sleep, mom. Go home and rest.” Then you hung up. 

     You inhaled a shaky breath and walked back towards your room. You passed by the bathroom. The echoed sounds of someone throwing up and a toilet flushing made your ears perk up. 

    The sink ran, the pipes groaning as they were brought to life. You froze as you heard the footsteps come closer, reaching the door. 

     The metal door slowly opened and a girl with silver hair and dark eyes came out, wiping the corner of her mouth with her sleeve. She paused and turned, sensing your presence. Park Hea’s eyes widened and she slowly backed away. You averted your eyes as if to say I won’t tell. And you weren’t. It was none of your business. 

     It was a good day. The sun had warmed the ground all day and there was a chill breeze as night fell. It was a cold sort of warmth, the kind with a bitter chill. Hoseok and you were practicing in the dance room. Well, more like, he was practicing while you took a break. He was hardworking, he rarely took breaks. 

      The room was hot, the sweat hitting the floor. You laughed a little at a video and then leaned against the mirror. Your sweat had dried and you felt gross as your heart rate slowed. You needed a shower, bad. But Hoseok was here and you never got to see him anymore. 

“Hoseok, why did you narrow your eyes at me?”

“What?” He asked, catching his breath as he stopped and turned to you. 

“That first day. I thought you hated me already.”

    He laughed and swiped some sweat off his forehead. “It’s not that-”

“Then what is it?” You grinned, standing and moving toward him. The corners of his lips turned upwards. 

“I guess I have a habit of picking out people who might need a little more help-”

You gasped and slapped his arm playfully. “Excuse me! I’m an excellent dancer.”

“Yeah yeah sure.”

“Are you doubting my abilities?” You huffed, crossing your arms and strutting forward until you were chest to chest with him. 

“I don’t doubt you, love.” He chuckled lowly and your cheeks heated up. He leaned down and pressed a quick kiss to your lips and then pulled away, queuing the music once more. 

“You can’t just catch me off guard like that.” You grumbled. 

“You need to stop being so beautiful.” He smiled widely and you swore he could outshine the sun. 

“Ah,” You looked at the text from Ae-cha in the group chat and sighed.

 “I should probably go and get showered and stuff. Ae-cha wants to go out for dinner tonight since we have free time.” You shouldered your bag and gave him a chaste kiss on the cheek before heading for the door. 

“See ya!” You called. Life was looking up. You had everything down. Nothing could go wrong, you had prepared so much, and perhaps a bit too naively.

“See you later, Y/N!” He waved and you left, rushing across campus.

     The lights were just flickering on and it was a clear night, a good night. 

      You raced into the dorms, quickly showering and heading to your room to change. You wrapped your towel around yourself and moved out of the bathroom. You stopped, hearing a subtle rattle. You paused, silently shuffling towards Ae-cha and Lee-min’s room.

      Through the crack in the doorway, you saw Lee-min pulling her hair into a ponytail. She then reached into her bag and unscrewed an orange bottle. The white pills shaking as she poured out at least six. She slammed them back and screwed the cap back on. 

      You backed up, stepping on the squeaky part of the carpet outside of their room. Lee-min’s head swiveled around so fast you had to stifle a scream. You quickly bolted to your room and shut the door before she could say anything. 

    You changed as fast as possible. Yeona was out with Hea and the other three girls in your dorm. Ae-cha wanted to meet you at the mall and you needed to be there on time. You were already five minutes behind schedule. 

     As you pulled on a shirt and sweater, leaving your room, you glanced over at their room down the hall. Lee-min closed her door, exiting. You made eye contact and then hurried down the stairs, flying out of the building swiftly. She didn’t try to chase after you. 

 “Ugh I have so much work to do.” Lee-min whined.

“I hear you, girl.” Ae-cha leaned back in her chair at the desk. “I have an essay to write, a speech to memorize, a project to complete, and I need to practice this dance.” 

     You sat cross legged on the floor, stretching out your sore muscles. Ae-cha was working hard at her desk and Lee-min was sitting, staring off into space. She quickly shook her head, seemingly regaining focus. You couldn’t stop thinking about those pills, the way she easily swallowed all six of them, her blank gaze. 

“I have two solo dances to memorize, the group dance, and I have to record two songs, one with the group and one solo.” Lee-min placed a hand on her chest, falling backwards on her bed. “The anxiety is killing me.” 

“Just take it easy, okay?” You scrunched your eyebrows together in concern. Your eyes scanned the room. You wanted to know what those pills were. 

“It’s okay, I have it handled.” She murmured. 

“Are you sure?” Ae-cha warily looked at her friend, but she didn’t look back. 

“I’m sure.” She said, staring blankly at the ceiling. “I have to outdo myself, I have to push myself as hard as possible or else I might never get a chance.”

“I know, but you’re looking so sick lately.” Ae-cha cut through and you looked over to her. She had spent more time with Lee-min in the past few weeks so obviously she would have noticed the difference. 

“I’m fine.”

“You’re not. You’re so pale and shaky. Please, just take a break.” Ae-cha protested her back hunched over her work. 

“I can’t take a break, Ae-Cha. You know how much this means to me.” She retorted, rolling over and staring at her phone. The other girl made no further comment and you didn’t mention the pill bottle. 

     Lee-min was late for the first dance training session of the day. It was out of character for her. The teacher knew it too. Everyone knew it. People were shifting uncomfortably, eyes glancing towards the door. Lee-min was always early by at least 20 minutes. Now she was late by the same amount of time. 

     Minsuh tapped her foot and then clapped. 

“Okay then, since Lee-min has decided to sleep in, we’ll be moving on and doing twice the amount of practice today with no break.” 

     The room groaned unhappily and a few girls complained about how unfair it was. Then the door flew open and Lee-min stood in the doorway with her bag and looking like hell. Her eyes had dark circles, her skin was so pale and gray she could be the concrete on the sidewalk. Her hands were shaking, her legs were too. 

    You looked her up and down. You wanted to ask if she was alright, but the room was silent as she took a place next to you and Ae-cha. Park Hea watched her, a dark look in her eyes. She scoffed and looked away, getting into position. Minsuh cleared her throat. 

“You’re late, Lee-min.” 

“I know, I’m sorry.” Lee-min whispered. 

“Don’t do it again. We’ll be going without any breaks today. Everyone can thank Lee-min.” Minsuh narrowed her eyes. “Come on, everyone, thank your fellow trainee.” 

“Thank you, Lee-min.” Everyone murmured and you gulped, feeling the piercing stare of every single girl. 

    Lee-min stood stiff as a brick, her head still held tall. She didn’t seem bothered in the slightest. You were sure you would have cried if it were you. 

    This would not be the last time she was late in the following week. She was late again for the afternoon workout session and this was a lot less forgivable. 

“Okay, well, since Lee-min has decided to be late today, we’ll be three times the sets we usually do.” The trainer said, her voice annoyingly perky. Everyone shot a glare at the doorway, just waiting for Lee-min. 

     The girl finally arrived a few minutes into the first set and by the second extra set you had to do, she was complaining loudly. The other girls were sweating and one girl looked close to puking. You were blinking back spots, your stomach rumbling unhappily. 

“I can’t believe we have to do three extra sets.” Lee-min whined and you and Ae-cha exchanged glances. 

“You should be on time next time.” Ae-cha said through gritted teeth, dropping into another pushup. You wondered why she wore long sleeves to a workout session, but she seemed not to mind. 

“I’m trying my best.” The other complained, pulling down the bar towards herself. 

“Shut up!” You snapped, going into another sit up. “You’re the reason we’re in this mess. You don’t get to complain.” 

Lee-min looked away, ashamed, her ears turning red. “I know, I’m sorry.” She said softly. You pushed her shaking hands out of your mind. 

     You had an awful feeling in the pit of your stomach. It was a sinking feeling, a nightmare-ish sort of anxiousness. It wasn’t just because of the impending final assessment, you had practiced enough not to fear it, but there was just something off. 

    The dorm was loud today. Everyone was rushing around getting things down. A few girls were decorating for the holidays that were coming up and others were hurrying off to practice. 

     It was a rather cheery time to be feeling such dread. 

“Hey, have you seen Lee-min?” You asked Yeona, knowing they were in a separate sub-unit together. 

“No,” Yeona said, her voice bitter, so you looked up from your book. “I keep texting her to practice with me, but she never responds. God, such a bitch.” 

You frowned and closed your book. “She’s really busy. I know she’s working hard.”

“Yeah sure.” She went back to scrolling through her phone. 

“She is.” You argued.

“You don’t need to prove it to me. She should just prove it by smashing it out of the park and debuting, yeah?” Yeona responded lazily, rolling over with her back facing you to signal the conversation being over. 

“Fine. I’m going to check on her.” 

    As you got closer to their room that dread grew heavier and heavier. There was something off. Within the cheery laughter and loud conversations, in between the ruckus and childish arguments of the dorm, there was a silence. A silence in a place where there was usually life. You knocked on the door, but it was already slightly open. 

     You saw Lee-min, lying on the ground. She seemed as if she was sleeping, but your gut was screaming. You approached carefully and knelt down, shaking her slightly. 

“Lee-min?” You whispered. You glanced around then shook her harder. “Lee-min?” You asked again, louder, more hurried. The texture of her skin was rough and un-moisturized, her lips were depleted of color. 

“Lee-min? Oh my god oh my god.” You rolled her over and she stared blankly at the ceiling. 

    A knocked over bottle of pills lay to the side and you pulled back, your hands shaking. You needed to get help. You needed to get her help. 

    You scrambled backwards, flinging open the door. 

“H-help! I need help! Someone!” You shouted. “M-my friend she’s-she’s passed out or something I need help someone call an ambulance!” You cried. 

     But all the girls in the hall looked over at you with cold, unforgiving, eyes. You realized then that no one was here to help you. No one cared. Lee-min was just another obstacle out of the way. 

     You yelled for help again before fumbling for your phone. You didn’t know CPR, you hadn’t paid that much attention in health class and you didn’t want to fuck it up. 

     You dialed 1339 and waited impatiently. Then, out of the corner of your eye, like a goddess ascending from heaven, Park Hea rounded the corner. 

“What’s going on?” She demanded. “I heard all this shouting.” 

     You turned to her, your lips beginning to quiver as the dial tone continued. “It’s L-Lee-min. She’s, I don’t know, I don’t know!” 

     You felt the wetness roll down your face and Hea’s eyes softened. She pushed past you and sucked in a breath. Then, in an inexplicable act of kindness for her, she knelt down beside Lee-min and placed her hands on her chest. 

“Okay, you call for help, I’ll start CPR.” She commanded like a nurse on the battlefield. “She’s not breathing, tell them.” she leaned down, beginning CPR and leaning in to check her airflow. 

“Sh-shit her breathing is practically non-existent.” Hea said, her voice stuttering slightly. 

   The sound of ribs cracking made you cringe as Hea continued chest compressions. 

   The ambulance came and they stretchered Lee-min out. You sat on the floor of their room, staring blankly at the wall. You couldn’t stop reliving that moment when you realized, everyone was looking out for themselves, they didn’t care that a girl was dying. You were in a state of shock. It was like the world stopped spinning. 

     How stupid you had been, ignoring the problems that were happening, ignoring the suffering of others, brushing past everything in an attempt to make everything okay. Your stomach growled. You placed your hands on your stomach, pulling your knees close to your chest. 

“Why did you help? No one else bothered.” You whispered.

    Hea was sitting on her bed, staring at the place where Lee-min had laid. Her eyes flicked up to look at you. Your eyes were blank, cold, hollow. The realities were crashing down on you. And you realized what you needed to do to survive. 

    You needed to fight and you needed to make decisions that might be against what you would do. Because everyone was competition. They weren’t your friends, they weren’t your family, they were strangers who would kill if necessary. Hea cleared her throat, but her voice still came out rough as she spoke.

“Because I know there’s competition, but saving someone’s life is a basic human dignity. It’s a no brainer.” 

 “Breaking news. The CEO of Sinopec declares that woman in Brooklyn, New York, is not his daughter. More on this at 10.” The news report flashed over the screen in the cafeteria before going back to the drama it was showing originally. Ae-cha was quiet, her head down on the table, her food untouched. 

“What’s wrong?” You asked gently. 

“I wasn’t there for her. How could I have not seen the signs?” Ae-cha whispered. 

“Hey, no one could have known.” But you could have. You could have if you had cared enough at the time, yet you did nothing. 

     Today was the day. You’d be doing your final assessment. You woke up at the crack of dawn, along with basically everyone else in the dorm. Your roommates and you silently got ready, it being too early to make so much noise. It was freezing. 

      The tip of your nose was pink from the cold. You shrugged on a sweater and filed out of the room, following Yeona and the others in a single file line. You looked like you were in some dystopian movie with everyone walking in a line to their assessment. 

     You spotted some groups from the big apartments watching and you saw Hoseok leaning against a tree with the rest of his group. He waved a little and smiled, almost wincing as you still needed to warm up your face muscles. 

    You shuffled into the building and the quiet sounds of fabric on wood were the only noises as everyone set down their things. It was about to be a long day, like any other, but this was the most important. 

“Okay, I have a surprise for you all.” Minsuh clapped with a smile. “As you all know, your fellow trainee, Lee-min, was injured earlier this week. She has made a speedy recovery and is still able to participate in this assessment!” 

     The smile was too forced, everyone’s smiles were so achingly fake. Lee-min stepped in and you almost fainted. She looked awful. Her collarbones protruded sharply, her cheeks were sunken in. She looked like she should be in the morgue, not doing a final assessment. 

“Take your places. Let’s begin. We’ll call you group by group, unit by unit.” She tapped her clipboard and started listing names.

You and Ae-cha were first. That gave you a shock and your heart was pounding loudly in your chest as you stepped up. The other girls were seated along the walls and the four representatives for JYM walked into the room. You met with Ae-cha in the middle. 

“We got this.” You whispered. “We’ve work so hard.”

     And the music began. Your countless hours with Hoseok were paying off. Each move just came to you and you danced your little heart out. They watched you with a relentlessly harsh stare, not one of them smiling. You didn’t care.

      You just kept dancing and singing. The world was beginning to blur as the choreography got more intense. Your breath was running out, your chest was tightening, but you had to keep going. 

     You blinked back spots. The song was almost over. You just had to make it through another count. One and two and three and four and. You felt off balance. You kept going. Huge spots were starting to form. You kept going. 

    You couldn’t even see the judges. You kept going. You kept going because that’s all you could do and you’d worked too hard to stop now. Five and six and seven and eight. Done. 

     You could almost cry. The spots slowly starting sinking away and you went to the edge of the room, searching for your water bottle. You gave a half hearted high five to Lee-min and Ae-cha before collapsing, chugging down as much water as you could. 

“Are you okay?” Lee-min reached out and her hands were so cold. The room was in black and white. There was no joy in this anymore. Why had you wanted to do this?

“I’m fine.” You said harshly, brushing off her hand. “Why are you back?” You kept your eyes glued to the next performance as you finished off your water.

“I’m feeling better. I wouldn’t miss this for the world.” Lee-min chuckled, but you didn’t join her. You turned away from her. 

“I need to go refill my water.” 

“I’ll go with you.”

“No.” You held up your hand, stopping her, and standing. 

    You excused yourself and went out into the hallway to refill your water. Lee-min followed you out soon after. 

“I’m sorry, Y/N. I just don’t understand why you’re mad at me.” She pleaded with you. You couldn’t hear her over the blood rushing through your ears. You saw black and white, but you also saw red red red. 

“Why didn’t you tell me, huh?” You turned around quickly as she reached for your arm. 

    The water bottle collided with her hand and flew out of your grasp. You sucked in a breath. Both of your gazes followed the water bottle as it rolled on the ground, spilling onto the floor. 

“Great.” You hissed. 

“You’re not acting like yourself, Y/N. Are you alright?” 

“Do you know what it was like, finding you there? What were you thinking?! Were you...were you trying to end your life?” You swallowed, feeling your throat close up. Lee-min looked away. 

“No, I wasn’t. I...I just took too many.” 

You nodded and slowly bent down, picking up your waterbottle. “Please just…” 

    You massaged the crease between your eyebrows. You hadn’t even realized how tense you were.

 “Just be careful and take care of yourself. I care about you.” You said softly, turning on your heel and entering the studio once more. 

     You passed. You got the message the next day. They talked about wanting to put you in the next group possible. Adrenaline was running through your veins. You called the first person you knew should know. 

“Hoseok!” You shouted cheerily. 

“Yeah? What’s up?” He asked over the line. 

“I did it!” You cried, jumping around in your empty dorm room. 

    Yeona was out shopping with Hea and Ae-cha and Lee-min were in their room. You’d tell them next. 

“I passed! They said they want to debut me with the next group!” 

     His laugh rang through the speaker and made your insides feel fuzzy with adoration. 

“That’s amazing, Y/N. You truly are amazing.” You blushed, knowing he couldn’t see it. “Hopefully I’ll be seeing you at awards shows!” 

“You’ll be seeing me other times outside of idolhood hopefully.” He clicked his tongue and you nodded before realizing he couldn’t see you. 

“Oh yeah, definitely.” You smiled. “Okay, I’m going to tell Ae-cha and Lee-min. Also, how are you?”

“Ah, things have been busy as always. You go celebrate! I’m so excited for you!” 

“Love you!” 

“Love you.”

     You ended the call and happily skipped out of your room. Then you went over and knocked on their door. You opened the door after the third knock. 

“Ae-cha?” You called out to her and she looked up, dropping her sleeve quickly. You moved forward hesitantly. “What was that?”

“Nothing.” She said quickly and turned away. “What’s up?”

     You went and stood next to her desk. She had an earbud in and math homework splayed out across the wood table. 

“Whatcha working on?” You inched closer, trying to see what she was hiding under those sleeves. 

“Math. It sucks. I don’t know what a ray is.”

“It’s a line that has a defined beginning point but no end point.” You said, a bit distracted as you leaned over. She didn’t seem to notice until you tried to grab her sleeve. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” She cried, withdrawing her arm. 

Your eyes darkened. “Ae-cha. Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine!” 

“Really? Roll up your sleeves.”

“No! I-I don’t have to!” She scrambled out of her chair, but you caught her arm.

    You pushed up her sleeve quickly and sucked in a breath. You dropped her arm and she hurried to pull down the sleeve. 

“Ae-cha…” Your voice was gentler, kinder as you approached her like a scared animal. With the way her eyes were flying around the room, you suspected she was terrified. 

“Are you biting yourself?” You murmured. She looked away, not answering the question. 

“Why did you come in here?”

    You let her change the subject. The bruising teeth indents in her forearms were enough to tell you the truth anyway. 

“I just wanted to say,” You sat on Lee-min’s bed and smoothed over the covers. “I passed. I’m debuting in the next group and their moving my things out in the next few days.”

“Oh.” Her eyes went dark, her lips fell away into an un-hideable frown. 

    There was a squeak and you looked up. Lee-min stood in the doorway. She looked from your sad expression to Ae-cha’s trembling lips and got the message. Park Hea stepped out from behind Lee-min and you knew you were in for it. 

“Since when did you hang out with Hea, Lee-min?” You asked cautiously. 

“We’ve always been friends, what are you talking about?” Hea scoffed and went to her bed. Lee-min ignored your question. 

“How many times did you audition, Y/N?” Lee-min asked, her voice ticked upwards in mock interest.

    You could tell it was like treading on thin ice right now. Ae-cha looked like she was going to cry at any second and Lee-min’s eyes were furious.

“Twice.” You gulped.

     Lee-min laughed bitterly, holding her stomach while she forced another hoarse laugh. 

“You want to know how many times I auditioned?” She went and sat on Ae-cha’s bed across from you. “23 times. I auditioned 23 times and look at me. I’m still here, training after four years.” 

“I’m sorry, Lee-min. That must be tough.” 

“You know nothing, Y/N. Get out.” Her lips were pressed together and you looked to Ae-cha. 

    She looked away and crossed her arms. Hea simply fixed you with a hard stare. You nodded solemnly, standing and heading for the doorway. 

“You guys were really good friends.”

“Just leave.” Lee-min said sternly. 

    You sucked in a breath and let your eyes flutter shut. You didn’t want your last memory of them to be like this. So you simply didn’t say anything else. You opened your eyes and turned, leaving that dorm room, that room that you had spent hours in, for the last time. 

      It was nice to have only one other roommate now. Sadly, it was someone you already had to room with. Yeona was the only girl you knew in your new group and even then, she never spoke to you. It was clear she wasn’t happy with the situation either. 

      There were four other members besides you and Yeona and for some reason, Yeona hated this one girl. She was the youngest at only 16, a few months younger than Yeona. You knew Yeona had wanted to be the maknae of the new group, you just didn’t know the lengths she was willing to go to. 

      It was lunch time. Your group was forced to sit and eat together in your dorms, away from the other trainees. Unless you were in your rooms, everything was a big show. 

     They had cameras following you everywhere to prepare footage for the debut. You had interviews, songs, and videos to prerecord. The news articles were praising you as the newest up and coming group. 

“Yeona, has always been hilarious. I remember we were roommates as trainees.” You said to the interviewer. 

      Yeona sat next to you and she had the brightest smile on her face. The biggest you’d ever seen her even muster. 

“Oh yeah, but Y/N was always the messy one.”

“You would leave your socks everywhere.” You protested and you both giggled as if you were best friends. 

“Ah, thank you guys for taking your time to let us interview you. I hope you have a successful debut!” The interviewer smiled and you both grinned from ear to ear.

“Of course, I hope we do to.” You nodded and nudged Yeona playfully. She returned the gesture and the next day you were trending on twitter for being #soadorable and so on. 

     The second the camera crew went home, though, you all went your separate ways. Yeona wouldn’t even so much as look at you, much less speak to you, before bed. It was a lonely existence, you realized. 

     You didn’t suspect anything to be wrong with the group, but you were more or less strangers pretending to be family. If someone spouted out a lie in an interview, well, you just had to own it. 

      You didn’t realize things were fucked until, well...until you realized, to put it simply. It had been dinner. Yeona was talking rather sweetly with the maknae and everyone else was busy watching TV or in practice rooms downstairs.

     As the younger girl looked away, you watched Yeona pull out a small vial. It was a clear liquid and she tipped the entire thing into her drink.

    You bit your tongue. In the past you would have mentioned it, but it made sense. The less people in the group, the more attention you’d get. You didn’t hate your group, okay, but things weren’t the best. 

    You didn’t blame Yeona for wanting to poison her. And you weren’t going to stop it. Things were different now. When Yeona saw you looking, she winked and went back to her business. You watched the young girl slurp and gulp that drink down all night, your conscience screaming at you. 

    The girl was taken out of the group later that night, having fallen so ill she was unable to move. They blamed it on a sudden sickness and this reminded you of your brother, someone you hadn’t thought about in a long time. You turned away guiltily as they took her out the door and into the ambulance. 

    You took out your phone. You needed someone to talk to and you knew exactly who. 

      You flung open the door of the practice room, seeing Hoseok standing there. He turned around, surprised a the sudden intrusion. Relief fell over his face and he smiled as you flew into the room. You dropped your things by the door. 

“Hoseok!” You exclaimed and you didn’t hesitate to jump into his arms. 

“Woah woah, is everything alright? You sounded really bad over the phone.” He said, his arms wrapping around you tightly. 

“God, you wouldn’t believe what I’ve been through.” You felt safe here, in his arms. 

     Literally anywhere else, you were at risk of being ridiculed, caught on camera, or berated. You had no one to talk to, but you did have Hoseok. Your back shook as you tried to take in air, but you couldn’t. You were panicking. So much had happened, where did you start? 

“Hey, hey, calm down, take a deep breath.” He pulled away and looked you in the eyes, his hair was swept over to one side and slightly fell over his left eye. You nodded and took a deep breath at his command. 

“Good, good, now tell me everything.”

      And so you did. You told him about Lee-min, about Ae-cha, about Hea, about Yeona and the poisoning of your youngest member. You told him everything. 

“Wait wait, hold on.” His eyes were dark.

      They weren’t kind or loving as you finished and you begged for it to be just a trick of the light, but even the fluorescent lights couldn’t lighten up the mood. A heavy blanket fell over the conversation. 

“What? What’s wrong?” You asked, taking a step back and rubbing your upper arms quickly. You were freezing, you were always cold. 

“You knew one of your members was poisoned...and you did nothing?” His voice had a tone so accusatory, a tone you knew you deserved but it still hurt. 

“Y-yes.” You said, hanging your head in shame. He backed away and then paused. He looked you up and down. 

“You’ve changed.” He said quietly, stiffly. 

     Hoseok took another few steps back and you took a step forward. It was like an awful dance where he was trying to run away and you were begging him not to. He grabbed his bag and carefully stepped around you.

“I can’t believe I fell for you, Y/N. You’re not at all who I thought you were.” He frowned. “I don’t think I can be with someone who...who is okay with such a horrible act happening right in front of them.”

     You wanted to scream, to beg for his apology, but you were stupid. The only thing you could think in that moment was, “You won’t tell anyone?” 

     His eyebrows raised in disbelief. “I really should, you know? But you know what? Just for you, I won’t.” He said, his teeth gritted and his voice menacingly angry. “Goodbye, Y/N.” He slammed open the door of the practice room and left, leaving you in his wake. 

 “Y/N. We need to speak with you.” A staff member tapped your shoulder while your group was practicing the choreography for your debut song.

     You nodded and followed her out into the hall and up the stairs to the office level. At the end of the hall was the main office. You were wracking your mind trying to figure out if you’d done something wrong. Maybe Hoseok told on you? But you trusted him still, you trusted he would stick to his word. 

     The staff member knocked on the door and there was a muffled come in. She nodded, opening the door. She gently pushed you towards the opening and you looked at her confused. She had a serious look on her face and you walked in, already on edge. 

     The office was of dark cherry wood. The seats were a red leather and the windows were tall and wide, taking up a whole wall. It over looked the green area on campus and trainees were milling around. 

      JYM sat, his chair facing the windows. 

“Sit.” He commanded, spinning around. You gulped and swallowed, although your tongue was stuck to the roof of your mouth. 

“What did you need to see me for?” You asked. He was shadowed in the light, his silhouette falling over yours. 

“I have some unfortunate news for you, Y/N. I’ll cut to the chase. Your brother has passed away from illness.” 

     The rest of his words grew muffled. Your eyes became glazed and unfocused. The world spun. Spots started to appear in your vision, you felt light headed. The heaviness in your heart grew heavier. Your brother. Your precious older brother. Enough was enough. You had to see him. You had put work before them before. You didn’t want to disappoint your mother again. 

     You slid backwards in your chair and stood up. Your eyes were watering and you choked out your response. 

“Are you alright?” 

“I need to see him. I need to be there for the funeral.” You whispered. JYM nodded. 

“I thought you’d say that. Well, I’ll let you go, but your group won’t wait for you, should we decide to debut...early.” He stared at the chunky rings on his fingers. “That’s just how it works here, honey.” 

“What?” Your face paled and you couldn’t find yourself formulating an answer. 

   You had sacrificed so much to be in the position you were in. You couldn’t give it up. The possibility of them debuting without you was just not an option. 

“I’ll stay.” You said, your voice hoarse. He smiled. 

“Good choice. Now, here’s the phone. I’m going to have you tell them yourself.” 

     You were mortified. He was going to have you call? Then it would look like it was your idea, and you knew exactly what game he was playing in this moment. Blood v.s. Water. You bit your lip, taking the phone and dialing their number. Water. 

“Oh, Y/N, it’s so great to hear from you. I suppose you’ve heard about-”

“Yeah.” You interrupted your father. “I can’t make it, sorry.” You tried to keep your voice level. 

“But, your brother just-just died.” Your mother responded and you could tell she just ripped the phone away from your father. 

“I can’t make it, mom.” You repeated. “I’m debuting soon. I have no time.” 

“Surely you can make time.” Now she was pleading with you. 

“I’m sorry.” You whispered and hung up. 

“Well, I hope you have a wonderful debut, Y/N.” JYM smiled and waved you off. You hated that man. 

     The world was spinning again. You weren’t grounded. You had nothing and no one to ground yourself to. It was like you were floating in space, mindlessly practicing for hours on end, pulling on fake smiles. 

     You blinked away spots as Yeona, your dance captain, clapped. 

“Let’s do it again.” She commanded. And no one argued. You got back into position and the music started. 

     This time, however, as you dropped into the ground portion of the dance your legs gave out. You couldn’t hoist yourself up and when you tried to, you fell over with a loud thump. The world started growing blacker, tinging at the corners of your vision like a burning photograph. 

      You paid no mind to the gasps of your teammates. The music was halted and you tried to get up, failing miserably. Someone helped you sit up and you blinked, your vision slowly peeling back. Yeona crouched in front of you. 

“Y/N? Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.” You managed to growl out. “Quit trying to help me out, we all know you hate me.” 

“What? Y/N, I don’t-I don’t hate you. I care about your health at least.” Yeona murmured sadly. “Have you been eating?” 

“Yes.” You answered immediately. 

“I’m going to take that as a no.” Yeona pursed her lips. 

     For some reason, you felt a boil of anger brewing and rising. It spilled out of your mouth before you could even think. You shoved her off. 

“Jesus christ! Let me go! I’m fine!” You snapped loudly, standing and letting your fingers curl into fists. “It’s like you guys are always trying to set me up for failure!” 

“What?” Yeona’s face was in a state of shock and she looked away. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Y/N. We’ve been trying to reach out to you, you just never wanted to go places with us.” 

“Shut up! Shut up!” You hissed, covering your ears. 

“I think you need to take some time to ground yourself.” Yeona shoved you towards the door, pushing your bags into your hands. “I’ll request for them to let you go home for a few days.” She was quite strong for how she looked and you tried to dig your heels in to no avail. 

“No! No! You’re trying to get rid of me!” You screeched hysterically. 

“I’ll make sure nothing happens while you’re gone. Now go get some rest, Y/N.” She then pushed you the last step out of the door and shut the room, locking it tight. 

     You had always hated the country life. The rolling hills and beige colored landscape made you sick. Things were slow here and you wanted everything now now now. 

     You pulled up to the faded blue house you used to call yours. It was a family home with no family in it anymore. There was a light on inside that you could see, but nothing else. The place looked like it was falling apart. 

     You stepped through the rotting wood fence and shouldered your bag, taking a deep breath. There was one thing you liked; the clean air. You walked up the steps, your feet echoing loudly. The slight rustle of trees swaying in the wind was the only noise you heard as you knocked and waited. The door slowly creaked open. 

     Your mother looked older. She had dark circles under eyes, her bones looking almost fragile. You hated seeing her this way. She was dressed in all black. She looked you up and down before simply stepping to the side. You went inside, glancing around the familiar halls and doorways of your home. 

her voice sounded tired, “What are you doing here?” 

“This is my home, is it not?” 

“You’re not very welcome here.” 

“I don’t see how anything has changed there.” You snapped, heading upstairs without a second thought. 

     The house felt cold, abandoned. You paused slightly, your anger fading away for a split second as you passed by your brother’s old room. You remember him accidentally slamming your fingers in the doorframe in an extremely violent game of tag. 

“So, he’s really gone.” You said, entering his room and running your fingers along the dresser.

     Dust had already begun to collect on his things. He would have freaked out if he could see it now. His room was always spotless. You were the messy one and it drove him nuts. As you grew older, you couldn’t see eye to eye anymore. You were fundamentally different. 

“He is. The funeral was yesterday.” Your mother trailed behind you, careful not to step on anything. 

“I see.” You gripped your bag tighter.

     You went through the connecting bathroom. You could almost imagine him sitting on his bed, screaming his head off that there was dust on the carpet, you could see him paralyzed with fear. 

     Your mother always paid special attention to him, came running at his every beck and call. You used to be jealous of this, but not that you thought about it, you realized he must have had a sad existence. 

“I feel bad for him.” You whispered, setting your bag down on your bed. 

“Why?” You mother asked harshly. 

“He must have lived a sad life.” You said plainly. “In a constant state of fear.” 

“I guess, but your father and I...we tried hard to give him a good life.” 

“I know.” You said softly.

      And you could forgive your mother in this moment. All the things she had missed in your life, all the milestones, because of your brother. She never got the pleasure to see you off to school in the morning or help fix you up when you were injured.

      She was always with your brother. You walked towards her and engulfed her in a hug. You wanted that motherly love and affection that you had missed. But only now did you realize you didn’t miss anything. 

     Your mother had always been a tough woman, all teeth and bite. She pushed you off of her. 

“Don’t touch me.” She said coldly. “You’re not welcome here, Y/N. I suggest you leave.” 

     Your heart plummeted and you nodded. Your soul left your body. The last of your humanity that was not sucked out of your soul was your deep love for your mother. Everyone loved their mother, deep deep down. And now that piece had been ripped out too. 

     The backstage was in a state of panic. You stayed perfectly still as the stylists pulled and tugged at your hair. The makeup artists brushed foundation and lipstick over your lips. 

     Blush was applied and eyeshadow was smeared on. You plastered a smile on your face. The cameras were on you for backstage looks. What part of your life wasn’t videotaped at this point? 

     Yeona was talking to a stylist and there was a light chatter. The panic was only caused because one of your group members had spilled water all over her costume. 

     This cued endless berating of someone that was not you, finally. The crowd was loud as they waited for your debut. You squeezed your hands together nervously. 

      You could do this. This was what you were trained to do. 

“You’ll be great.” The stylist smiled kindly and you wearily smiled back. 

“Thank you.” You whispered. 

       You were a shell, a mere body with no life behind your eyes. You didn’t know if anyone had noticed, but Yeona had been nicer recently. It didn’t matter to you, she still poisoned someone. 

      You shifted uncomfortably. 

“Almost done.” The makeup artist brushed glitter over your nose and cheeks. “Thereeeee weeee gooo.” She said slowly and then stepped back, admiring her work. “You look amazing.”

       She then excused you and your manager stepped into the room. 

“Come on, ladies, we got to go. Debut in five.” He shouted into the crowded room. 

       This led to a last minute touch up frenzy before you were being pushed out onto the stage. You spotted Lee-min, Ae-cha, and Hea standing in the wings. They watched you with harsh glares. You couldn’t find it in you to be bothered. You were just tired. Oh so tired. 

       You slowly moved into your starting pose and the lights came up. The crowd began chanting your names and the music began. Your adrenaline was through the roof. Your body moved on instinct alone. 

       You sang your parts, you danced everything right, and the black spots in your vision were normal occurrences now. Blood v.s. Water? they had asked you. You wanted the sea. 

       You rushed past your mother with a giggle. The poor old woman raced after you, crying out for you to slow down. The busy streets of Seoul had you mesmerized. The bright flashing lights and crowded sidewalks drew you in, beckoning you to join them.

     You wanted to get lost in this mess, this noise, this beautiful city. This was one of the few times you had with your mother, but you didn’t have time to think about that. You had a world to explore. 

     The sun was brilliant. Life was alright, as alright as it could be for a seven year old child alone in the streets of Seoul. Your mother pushed through the crowd, quickly losing sight of her little girl, the girl with the bright red coat and chubby cheeks. The cars whizzed by, drivers glancing to look at this, supposedly, lost little girl. 

     You maneuvered around people’s legs and everything was so so big. The buildings soared high, the world was huge and you wanted to explore it. Music blasted, a mixture of every genre as you went around the different bends and into the busy shopping center. 

    Your mother followed you, shouting your name, but you paid her no mind. You were focused. You kept hearing this music, this melody that made your ears perk upwards, You followed the trail, skidding along the tiles. 

    Finally, you reached a store window. There were TVs and speakers blasting music. You braked, halting your rampage with such force, you waved your arms for balance. 

     On screen there were angels. They were dancing and singing, smiling and perfectly proportioned, each a porcelain doll of beauty. And in the moment, as you watched them, you wanted to be them. They were called idols, and you couldn’t think of a better word. 

“Y/N!” Your mother caught up to you, her chest heaving. “You can’t just run away like that!” 

“Mom, I want to be like them!” You pointed to the screen, your face lighting up. “That’s what I want to do!” 

    She glanced at the screen and then sadly looked back at you. She knelt down and took your hands. 

“No you don’t, honey. Those people are suffering, greatly, they’ve had to work so hard, and for what?” 

“What do you mean? How can they be suffering?” You looked wildly back at the screen. 

“They don’t have what you and I have, love.” She gently pressed her finger to her chest, pointing to her heart. “In here,” She pressed her finger to your chest. “And here.” 

     You had finally gotten everything you wanted. Your fame, your fans, your music. Your eyes went to the dark crowd, searching wildly for the affirmations you desired, but it was just a black abyss of bobbing lights.

      No one you knew was there to cheer you on anymore. The eyes of your past lover, hidden in the crowd, gone from sight, you were reminded of the darkness surrounding you. 

      You stood with five other girls, of whom you barely knew, and watched the three you left behind stare from the wings. You were surrounded, but oh so alone. And you finally had the answer to the question you’d been asking yourself. You had chosen water over blood, strangers over love, and there was no going back. 

     As you stood, drenched in sweat, muscles shaking, breath heaving, you asked yourself again, were you happy? You took another, deep, shaking breath. The lights slowly went down. You plastered an even larger grin on your face, your muscles working hard to keep your lips still. 

     The cameras panned away and your group all went their separate ways, not even bothering to say anything to each other. Your manager was barking orders, the staff paid you no mind as you exited. 

      You walked right out of that building, right out into the cold, frigid air. The cars passed by without a care in the world. No one noticed you had left. It was as if you were a ghost, simply passing through on your way to some other side. 

      You watched your breath puff in the air, your skeletal frame shook in the wind. The little white clouds expelled from your lips was the only sign of life as you stared blankly out into the vast city night. 

    Of course you were happy. How could anyone not be happy with this?

My desk would “mysteriously” vanish from the classroom. I would find it sticking out of the dumpster by the school wall. As I struggle to pull it out, a bucket of water is poured out onto my frame from the window above me, the person letting out an amused “oops!” and shutting it, leaving me shivering and wet. I’ve been locked in bathroom stalls for hours, sometimes until the janitor would have to go find me. Shoved into the boys bathrooms, the boys in there feigning shock, calling me a horny bitch, and a pervert. They’ve targeted me in dodgeball, scribbled on my belongings, and so on so forth. 

And the F5 seem to turn a blind eye to it all. They seem to ignore it when I come in soaking wet. The only one that has really acknowledged me was Shori, where he merely hands me a towel and tells me to dry up.

I almost glower at the thought, before recalling the way Shori had stared at me, pity in his eyes. As if he wanted to say something but could not. 

“It almost felt.. kind, you know?” I sighed, wiping down the counter at the ice cream store as Rika listened to me ramble about my stupid life as a maid. Rika merely laughed. I scowled.  “What’s so funny?” I asked her. She shrugged.  “You’re not as hostile towards the five anymore, have you realized that?” She hummed, putting away some things. I made a face, shaking my head.  “What are you implying? Nothing has changed. I’m merely just getting used to their spoiled attitudes.” I huffed. She just smiled.  “Well when you marry rich, I’ll say I told you so!” She gushed. I was about to make a smart retort before the doorbell chimed, announcing a new customer. 

I smiled a little at the fond memory, but still scoffed at the thought of warming up even the slightest bit to the trust fund assholes. That’s when my phone decided to ring. 

“Speak of the devil...” i muttered, seeing Shori’s name light up my phone. I picked up.  “Hello?” I said, voice low and mumbly.  “Come to the office, the F5 needs you to do something. Now.” He ordered, to loud for my liking.  “I can’t.” I blurted out, wincing when it came out a little to sharp for my liking.  There was a small pause.  “Why not?” he asked, and I could hear the disapproval in his voice.  “I- Uh...” My voice broke off as I struggled to explain my situtation.  “Tell me.” He demanded. I sighed.  “I can’t leave the locker room...” I told him, quiet. 

“Did something happen?” He asked, voice almost seeming kind.  “My uniform... It’s unwearable.” I trailed off, unwilling to provide any more explanation other than that. 

“I’ll be right there.” He said, and cut off the line.

“I’m gonna go out.” Shori said, standing up from his desk.  “Where to?” Sou asked, looking up from his laptop. Shori just shrugged and left. Sou narrowed his eyes. “Don’t tell me... I knew it.” Sou mumbled. 

“Hey, maid.” I hear Shori bark from the locker room entrance. I peeped out to look at him, and feel something soft being thrown at my face. I pulled it off, examining it, my eyes widening in joy and surprise to see a brand new uniform. 

“Throw out those rags and put this on, and get to lunch. We still need you to order for us.” He said, walking away. I stood there processing before remembering my manners.  “Thank you!” I called, happiness dusting my cheeks a light pink. Shori looked back, a ghost of a smile on his lips.  “You’re welcome... Ayano.” He said, quietly, and walked off just as the bell rang, signaling lunch. 

I couldn’t help but walk into the cafeteria with a proud smile on my face. I felt like royalty in the new uniform. It was a gorgeous red color, still velvety, the skirt pleated perfectly. I waved a little to Nakano as she watched me pass, a small smirk lining my face.  “Wait, what?” Nakano screeched as she viewed my new uniform, seething. I giggled and entered the forbidden elevator, admiring my appearance in the mirrors that lined the walls. 

“There you are!” Marius exclaimed as I stepped out of from the elevator, walking into the F5′s lunch room. “What made you so late?” Fuma asked me, raising an eyebrow.  “Nothing important.” I brushed it off, smiling.  “Go buy us lunch, as usual” Shori said, handing me a piece of paper. I flashed him a grateful smile and he nodded back slightly.  “Got it!” I chirped and left the room to buy lunch. Back into the hellhole. I was half expecting to be confronted again, but to my delight I wasn’t, yet I wasn’t spared the nasty comments and glares. But nothing could ruin my good mood right now, so naturally I ignored it all.

“Ordering again dear?” the lunch lady smiled as I made my way to the counter. “Yes ma’am.”  I smiled, placing their and my orders.  “And finally, the premium Hokkaido soft ice cream.” I finished, before I scanned the bottom of the paper, eyes widening. 

‘If you need anything, come to me.’ -SS. 

A grin formed on my face.  “That’s all!” I ended, skipping away. One glance at the F5 window and I could see Shori standing by it, looking down at the cafeteria He caught my eyes and I smiled at him, waving slightly. He smiled back. A small, faint, teensy one, but a smile nevertheless.