#pethidine

The real thing 

My gynae turned out to be a very accurate fortune teller because from 11pm onwards, I started to experience more intense contractions. They actually took my breath away and I had to practise deep breathing in order to cope with them each time they happened. 

At midnight, I woke Hubs up with, "I need to go to the hospital." 

His reponse was, "This had better be the real thing eh." 

This time around, it proved to be the real thing. I was still pretty cheerful and sent him home saying that I'd get the nurses to call him when the real action was starting. The contractions however prevented me from sleeping and even though I hadn't had any sleep since 2.30am the day before, I was excited and upbeat. I even asked the nurses for a snack at 4am and took a walk around my room. 

So upbeat I could even take selfies while snacking

Then suddenly, my water bag broke. The pains started doubling up from there and it wasn't long before I started dispensing with hypnobirthing terms. I couldn't be bothered to call my contractions "surges" anymore or even pretend that they didn't hurt. 

THEY HURT BIG TIME!!! 

I'll tell you what they felt like. Each time a contraction happened, it was as if a huge balloon made out of steel was trying to expand inside me. Irritatingly, this balloon's expansion seemed to target the nerves at my spine so I my lower back felt like it was going to crack. One of the nurses very kindly massaged my lower back each time I had a contraction which was about every 10 minutes by then. I really wanted her to continue doing it but I felt bad retaining her in the room when she had other matters to attend to.

Still hanging on 

By 5am, I was ready to get an epidural. I didn't want my spine to break and I'd had enough. The nurses talked me out of it and suggested Pethidine instead. Pethidine is a drug which is administered through injection and "it'll most likely help you get some rest and take away 50% of the pain," said the nurses.

You can read more about Pethidine here. 

I was exhausted from trying to keep calm while battling the spine breaking pains. The realisation that I hadn't had any sleep for more than 24 hours was creeping up on me and all I wanted to do was SLEEP. 

Despite that, I hesitated when the nurses asked me, "So do you want to take the injection now?"

"Please call my husband," I replied. "I'd like to discuss with him first." 

At this point, I really needed moral support more than anything and I was starting to feel emotional that Hubs wasn't with me. I felt that if he were here, I'd be able to possibly make it through without drugs. 

When Hubs arrived at the hospital shortly past 6am, I think he realised that I was barely coping. I won't lie to you. My pain threshold is low by average standards, and I think to have made it that far was probably something of an achievement in Hubs' eyes. 

Drug-free resolve all gone out the window 

So I ended up taking Pethidine and almost immediately, I started feeling drowsy and zoned out. Now, I had done reading up on epidural but I had had no knowledge about Pethidine until then. I naively waited for the "50% pain reduction" and when it didn't come, I asked the nurses somewhat piteously, "Why does it hurt so bad still?" 

I'll say, the nurses did their job very well in trying to keep me motivated. They kept soothing me by saying the drug needed time and to try to get some rest as I'd need it to push later on. 

So I drifted in and out between 3-minute intervals of "Spine Stress Testing". Each time I passed the Stress Test, the Quality Control Department decided to up the stress test levels by increasing the duration of the test. 

Despite being in a haze - yes, that's what Pethidine does to you - I thought it was amazing that I wasn't sobbing my lungs out, probably I was too exhausted to do so. 

At about 7 or 8 or 9am, I really couldn't tell time anymore by then, my gynae arrived and I whimpered, "Please give me an epidural." 

"Oh Grace," she responded after checking, "You're 9cm dilated. You can't have an epidural anymore and you're almost there! Hang on!" 

OK, I'm not sure if that's EXACTLY what she said because I was in such a haze, thanks to Pethidine. I only registered, "9cm dilated (or did she say 9.5?)" and "can't have an epidural." I also know that it took a huge effort for me to co-operate with instructions from the gynae and the nurses to move here or sit up. In fact, as I'm writing this, I suddenly remember the nurses continuously encouraging me to drink water to stay hydrated but I was too sleepy to respond.

Now, not everyone reacts similarly to Pethidine and even my gynae remarked later on about my very strong reaction to it. I asked if it was because I hadn't had any sleep since 2.30am the day before and she said it might have been a contributing factor. 

The last leg 

I vaguely recall either the gynae or the nurses telling me to let them know when I started to have "pooing" feelings, but I was so sleepy that I only told them a long while later. I also remember trying to push somewhat ineffectively and the horrible thought of wanting a Caesarean section echoing in my mind repeatedly because the pain and the fatigue were wearing me down. 

Ironically, thanks to Pethidine, I never managed to utter those words out loud because every time I wanted to talk, I had to rouse myself and I really didn't have anymore energy to do so. 

It took an hour before I suddenly felt a sensation of huge relief and heard Baby Junior's cry. The distinct feeling of a baby emerging from your body and hearing his cry is something very unique, very special. 

From there onwards, I dimly recall holding Baby Junior, my gynae telling me she was delaying cord clamping in accordance with my wishes and then a whole lot of flurry as the team cleaned up, then quiet - just me and Hubs in the labour room. 

Later on, after Baby Junior had been cleaned up and my family had all come to visit, I declared how I regretted taking Pethidine because I felt it had robbed me of my birth experience. I also declared that I would never go through natural birth again. 

Looking more alert than I actually felt

After that 

A few days later, with my battle wounds healing and the effects of a pleasant confinement settling in, I changed my mind about "no more natural birth next time". 5 hours of pain followed by 7 hours of agony in exchange for a speedy recovery didn't seem that frightening on hindsight. With a Caesarean section, recovery was a whole lot slower. With natural birth, I was even able to discharge myself from hospital on the same day of delivery. 

One week later, I returned to the hospital for my checkup with the gynae and we discussed Pethidine. I told her how much I regretted taking it because it took away my clarity. My gynae then said something which made me look at Pethidine differently. 

"At that point, you felt you needed something to help you cope and I believe if you hadn't taken Pethidine, you would have chosen a Caesarean section." 

I thought about her words and saw the truth in them. I had asked for an epidural close to the point of delivery and I had considered a Caesarean even as I was pushing. Yes, I'm sure I would have succumbed to an easy way out if I hadn't taken Pethidine. And if I had had a Caesarean, I'm sure I would have regretted it bitterly afterward. 

While Pethidine didn't take away the pain, it took away my focus from the pain by layering a cloud of grogginess over it. I can't say that that was a better option but it definitely was a coping mechanism. 

While Baby Junior’s birth wasn’t drug-free nor as calm as I had visualised it to be, I am still very happy that I managed to achieve my VBAC and the promise of delayed cord clamping. Natural birth is truly a wonderful experience and I’m thankful to have had the privilege of experiencing it! 

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