#personowl

like, i can do it, but i really find myself less and less motivated every day. and yeah, freelancing is good and stuff and even when there are times when i don’t get an errand or assigment at least i know i have the backup for a while, but sometimes i cannot help but want to do the stuff that made me take this path on the first place, you know? like, creating a videogame, designing and programming a satisfactory website, fooling around with animation, setting up a secured personal server, maybe creating an app or ten, improve on drawing and painting stuff, perhaps improving on musical arrangement, maybe write a story or two, even something as simple as just tidying up the residence so i don’t feel that i have to change it anymore.

adding to that is the fact that i’m now close to finish college and therefore my time is greatly reduced. but its becoming quite difficult to keep a passing grade and focus on how the fuck am i gonna do to to balance out everything. i’m already behind one year on the career and cannot afford to fail any class, and adding to injury my own dissappointment on how things have turned out now, i’m back to square one, and i don’t even know how it happened.

and the cherry of the top is this godforsaken deppression i’ve been in since what seems like forever, which already makes things difficult than what they should be. trying to explain has proven again and again to be wasted effort, and trying again and again to, if not stopping, at least subduing it a bit has proven to be a constant failure simply because i’m just not on a favorable environment and i don’t mean just being in a desert when i’m clearly ill suited for these conditions.

no, i mean that right now everything seems to be against me: im failing to keep up on school, i’m failing to get work done, i’m failling to prioritize correctly, i’m failing at improving over myself, im failing on taking care of myself (and look that it wasn’t that much to begin with), i’m failing even at just focusing and keeping it together.

i said i’d just use the placeholder but really i feel like i’ll be having a complete breakdown at any moment. haven’t felt this way since i was 7, but now i’m afraid this time around there won’t be anything strong enough to keep me pushing forward.

You know, I’m not much of an emotional person. It is hard for me to muster a genuine emotion, let alone for a healthy reason.

With that said, there’s not a single day I do not think of everyone. The larger part are old enemies, rivals, pests and the like, but there’s also friends and allies. This has been like this for quite some years now, all backtracking to when I was little. To know that its been more than 15 years is enough. But, can you imagine? almost two decades reminiscing of all the people you’ve met. Every. Single. Day.

And that doesn’t mean they did good...

So, in short: I wasn’t always like this... whatever I am now.

But never the less, there are two persons that pop up on my thoughts far more frequently. One of them is my first couple. She was the first one, and part of the reason for why I’m always thinking of others.

We knew each other since before kindergarten. I still remember when I met her. It was a nice day at school, nothing out of the ordinary really, except for the fact that I had just learned how to read three days prior, getting far more ahead of the class in terms of academic studies, which meant that there were somewhat long periods between classes where I did nothing really, needless to say it was boring to wait for the rest to catch up. But I digress, that day we just had finished some matching lessons of the book alongside grammar practices and making curves and circles and whatnot for calligraphy. Or I should say I finished because everyone was still on the matching. Anyways, I just got lost in tought while staring at the window until it was the recess. I had packed a luch consisting of an apple, a ham and chesse sandwich, juice, and a Negrito bread (its a piece of elongated bread with chocolate fill inside and also with a chocolate topping, still sold), all carefully stored below my desk within a yellow bag that I marked with a pen the night prior.

So anyways, recess had come and I was readying myself to grab my lunch and get out, until I saw the bag wasn’t anywhere. Luckily for me, nobody was up because they were storing their materials and stuff so I asked the teacher to tell them to help me find my bag. Big was my surprise when I saw a girl holding my bag so openly while eating the sandwich.

Angered yet politely, I asked her to hand me the bag and the stuff. In a stubborn way, she claimed that the bag and all of its contents were hers, so I had to call the teacher there to solve the issue and explain, I won the argument by telling not only what was inside the bag but also by make notice of the pen marking that was so poorly erased that it just could be that *someone* tried to erase it. She never counted on my horrible control over my arm pressure haha.

So yeah, she got grounded and I could go out and eat calmly. Though I felt a bit nauseated because eww she bit my sandwich so I had to cut the parts she bit. Anyways, even when I shouldn’t have, I decided to go inside the classroom and see what’s up with her. Or rather, just enjoy my meal while watching her defeated.

Yeah, even back then I was kind of sinister.

However, what I saw caught me off guard: she wasn’t eating anything, she was just sitting on her desk, with teary eyes and muffled sobbing. She tried to avoid me but I decided to get close. Suddenly, luch wasn’t as tasty as just a few moments ago. Honestly, never before had I felt what I felt on that moment for another person, that wasn’t of my family that is. I was already on the suspicion that perhaps she took my lunch because she didn’t have her own (because back then I was a goodie-two-shoes that thought no wrong from others, like, what I cared about was that she tried to steal from me, not so much the reason). I wanted to ask her why didn’t she had food, but instead my body moved alone and I cut the sandwich (what was left, it was still somewhat whole) and the apple both in half, and offered them to her.

She looked at me, kinda angry yet ashamed. I replied with an understanding smile and told her it was all fine. She took my offer and with that I just left back into the backyard, for whatever remained of recess. She seemed to be a bit better when we all got back to class. I told the teacher I had talked to her and that it was all fine, though I did not tell her about the detail of her non-existing lunch.

The following 2 days went normally, though now instead of just boring myself out and almost falling asleep on my free time, I decided to check on the girl from the distance. Apparently, she had come to school without food or anything, and this had been the case for a while. So, I decided to take matters on my hands and learned how to make lunch, at least as basic as a child could (and that would eventually develop into me knowing how to cook). The next day I reached her and told her that I had an extra bag, just if she wanted it. She seemed doubtful at first but never the less she took the bag. I still remember seeing her having a decent lunch, or a lunch for a change. She really liked it, and somehow that made me feel warm inside. We started to talk a bit and before the day was over I had made not just a friend, but my first actual friend. I had “friends,” true, but they were divided on two groups: idiots that followed me for convenience, and idiots that abused my good will and always had me as the dead weight (but back then i hadn’t realized this because again: too good for my own good)

From that day on, I always brought two bags of lunch to the school, one for me and one for her. She seemed happier as time went by and I felt great seeing her beaming like that. It wasn’t long before we became really close together, we were known as an inseparable duo that always shone bright over everyone else and always crushed any competition.

We spent a good deal of time together, and over time turned out we had similar tendencies and likings, such as terror movies, playing rough, reading, bouncing, toys, all good stuff. Never before had I met someone whom which I could connect in the way we did. The sinergy was literally perfect.

Before you knew it, we were actually kissing and hugging and stuff, like two or three years after our first meeting. I was happy with her and she was happy with me, and this went on for a good while. Never before had I felt something like that for someone else, I liked that sensation. We complimented each other with our strenghts, and cared to help each other with our weaknesses. We talked things and gave a listening ear to each other. We also were... ermm... overly loving with each other, and we also had our differences and problems, such as her being a bit more brash and me being too reserved at times for example, but it all was great.

And I haven’t told you yet, she was really, REALLY pretty: she had long, strong, wavy light blonde hair falling over her shoulders and often held on a single ponytail on the back of her head with bangs on her sides, greyish-green eyes that almost looked like emeralds and (i shit you not) really seemed to change color with her mood; fair, soft skin with some freckles on her cheeks, the base of her kinda smallish button nose, and her collar bone extending a bit to her shoulders; somewhat small yet full, beautiful pinkish lips, and an overall thin but curvy body figure, with somewhat slightly wider hips. She also needed glasses, though not on the same degree as I do so it was sort of seldom of a visage on her.

She was also a badass as well. Though what many could consider “a lady,” she really rocked an attitude. I can recall her always beating me on physical competition and kicking my ass every now and then (and look that I was one of the best at it, she was a good sport though) and also took no shits from anybody. She was direct and espontaneous, with a good disposition and friendly personality, but she could also be collected and serious as well. Though academically she had average scores, she was really smart where it did count, helping out others and becoming like one of, if not the default go-to people when you had difficulty with something

All in all, she was so lively. And I loved that. Everything about her, I loved it with every molecule of my being. Who would have ever thought I’d end up falling for the person that tried to stole my food? Its ironic how things work out. Tough with a rocky start, she was a positive influence for everybody, especially for me. She is the reason for some of the stuff I know, and for some, if not the larger part, of the stuff I did

And, in a way, I feel I was also a positive influence for her too...

Of course, like everything else in this universe, this had to end sometime.

But I ask: why did it have to be on the worst years of my entire existence?

Guess it was to reassert that worse title i guess.