#personalpiece

He was acquired from a friend who was moving, and couldn't bring their pelts with them, so I adopted this bear and mounted him about 2 years ago. He was finally finished recently with the help of a longtime friend and coworker who works wonders with scenic habitat.

“If one's different, one's bound to be lonely.” ― Aldous Huxley, Brave New World

I often found that being alone is nothing to be scared about. There have been many of times where I have spent my weekends alone in my apartment doing all the things I wanted to do, which isn’t much. I found I’m very content playing video games, watching movies or even reading my physical TBR list (as it turns out I have way too much.) However, I come across days where I what I feel isn’t content but loneliness.

Loneliness is a feeling I’m not very comfortable with. I feel alone, unwanted and weirdly insane for some reason. It’s the time where I don’t want to be with myself, I don’t want to think about my thoughts and what they mean but often than not this is probably the time I should be alone. This is a fantastic way to explore my feelings and not distract myself with distractions.

 Why am I feeling loneliness? What is it about this feeling that’s so uncomfortable? Then it just hit me. Loneliness is the feeling of a void I’m trying to avoid (no pun intended.) Something you haven’t faced or confronted yet about yourself. It’s the honesty you have to face with yourself about yourself that you may not be comfortable in yet. No one really wants to face it on their own. Not really. It’s scary and weird and analysing your life and your choices is not something I want to do once more, so soon. Because facing those things about yourself makes you feel not good enough in some sort of way. Facing loneliness means your life no longer makes sense to you.

It doesn’t mean that your current status in life is bad, it just means that it’s not necessarily what you want anymore. And if the life that you currently living is something that you no longer want, what does it mean for you? Do you once again start over? Do you go through drastic changes and change your personality? Is the personality you have right now something you even relate to anymore?

Being honest with yourself is hard. Truly being honest with yourself is hard. Where do you even start? Do you go back to your childhood? Analysing every choice from then and then once again build a new foundation of what it means to be you. Is this more of a recent discovery and you just face it for its face value. I often find myself looking back a couple of years and looking at the decisions I have made. With this analysis, I figured out that most of the things I have experienced weren’t because I made an active choice to do something. I found that a lot of my decisions were reactions to something that has happened to me. That I in fact, have acted as NPC in my own life and allowed everyone else to change the direction of my life.

That is a hard truth to face about yourself. I don’t think I ever remember actively choosing something for me. Making those decisions for myself terrifies me. I can’t do failure – it’s not really an option for me in my mind and it’s because I don’t think I can face another failure in my life. I’m so afraid of it. Failure however, is a normal part of life. It’s how we grow as human beings, it’s how we learn.