Grief and Death, and how fanfic helped me cope
Five years ago today, on the Summer Solstice, my mom died.
Although she'd been battling breast cancer for many years, her death was sudden and unexpected. I'll never forget the call I received from my father that evening, and the deep well of sorrow that opened up in my heart from that day forward. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of her - there were even days when I picked up the phone to tell her something and I was reminded, she's not there to pick up.
But if Mom could have chosen any day to die, the solstice was the perfect one. She was bright and bold, like the first days of summer; love radiated off of her and people were drawn to her. I see her in my first summer roses, which bloom here around this time. They're red - her favorite color.
If grief was a well, then I was drowning in it for a long time. I retreated into my hobbies for escape, and that's when Attack on Titan came into my life. Watching how Levi dealt with the deaths of those around him and how he lived his life to honor them, resonated to me in such a strong way. He was hurting too.
And that's when I started writing North Star. I wanted a way to work through my grief and understand its ebbs and flows. Sure, I had people irl that helped me through it, but now, I could work through it with Levi too.
When people started reaching out to me and saying they understood the grief I wrote about and how real it felt, I felt so honored. Art is powerful - it helps us understand ourselves but also connects us with others. Through my grief, I found an art form that has done both for me.
I'm not sure why I felt compelled to write this here. Maybe nobody will read it, and that's ok. But words have become my lifeline and now, when I feel like I'm sinking in that well, I have something to lift me up.
