I want to see the ocean before the end of 2019

I really didn’t have much of a plan for my life but even the bare minimum I had fell apart but you know what? I’m not as mad as I thought I would be. At first I was really angry at God but now I’m just resigned to the fact that I keep falling lower into the abyss 🙃

My morning routine is to set my alarm at least an hour before I need to actually wake up, then wake up before the alarm goes off, turn off the alarm, and drift in and out of sleep until I find the will to get out of bed

Sometimes I have this feeling that all the things I want, the life I want for myself and the woman I want so deeply to become are just fantasies and they exist outside the realm of my possible lives, my possible selves. So often, I dream of the life I want, I plan out in excruciating detail the kind of person I want to be and the kinds of experiences I want to have. But I know when I do this that I’m breaking my own heart, that in essence I’m not planning my future life, I’m planning my future sadness and disappointment. I wish I could let go of my compulsion to daydream and plan for a future that is unattainable. I want to be practical and mindful and live out every single moment of my life without thinking of the future

Me literally screaming from the rooftops: BIG MIDDLE EASTERN NOSES ARE BEAUTIFUL! IT ADDS DEPTH AND VISUAL INTEREST TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU HAVE A BIG NOSE! WEAR IT WITH PRIDE! GETTING A NOSE JOB IS CEDING TO THE ENEMY THAT IS EUROCENTRIC BEAUTY STANDARDS!

I had such a good look last night, my outfit was RIGHT my hair and makeup were RIGHT and then everything went to shit, we didn’t do anything I wanted to do, and we ended up in some club downtown where I watched a white man make out with two different girls at once. Right in front of me. What did I do to deserve this

if i ever actually want to publish my writing i have to develop shamelessness and openness and a willingness to be vulnerable and bare which is something that has always scared me throughout my life. also i have to get over my fear that people will plagiarize/steal my work if i share it online, there’s so much i have to work through lol

Sometimes I think about the house my great-grandfather built with his own two hands, and the fact that he planted 5 palm trees in the yard, one for each of his children, and how he had a huge grandfather clock in the entryway whose noise reverberated throughout the whole house, and how he planted gardenia bushes all around the yard, and how my mother and her cousins would sleep on the upper terrace in the warm summer nights and they’d wake up to the cool of the dawn light—there’s so much history in that house and when the americans came they bought it and lived it and used it for their own nefarious purposes and it makes me inexplicably sad