Dear Universe (December 2018),
I feel as If I’m coming back from the dead. Over the last 2months, I’ve gained knowledge and I’ve lost myself. I feel like a phoenix. I feel as if I am understanding and becoming who I am supposed to be as I become this beautiful phoenix. I hear my spirit guides so loud and clear these days and I am extremely thankful. I used to feel so alone and they comfort me. It’s been hard to adjust to the way my family dynamics are changing, but I understand it’s not necessarily the end of the world although it is not what I want. I’m back single again and I am ok this time. I’m not crying or daydreaming about him or what we had I took the time to examine what we had and what I am left with and I understand that this ending was a blessing. I’m coming into really understanding my worth. This came from the end of our relationship as well because I for once had to stop and ask what I could offer someone. I thought since he “had his shit together” and I’m getting mine together, I was almost worthless to him because I usually date people that I’m doing better than. So this time I was left with a little more to unpack and I believe I’m heading on the right path to understand what I truly offer and essentially, my worth. I’m still giving my business my all. I decided that I needed a set weekly schedule so that I would stop spreading myself so thin and with the exception of missing the gym days this week, I did really good. I feel as if the schedule will work out and keep me from being so lost and scatterbrained. Especially when the (I almost wrote my but it’s not MINE I DO NOT OWN THIS ANXIETY!) anxiety kicks in.
I understand what I need to do to be better physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I have a lot of life lessons under my belt and I understand that to be on this path means I will be tested and I am afraid to fail. I try my best to let go of time and stop putting these time frames on my back, but I have to stop playing and move forward. My downfall is always a relationship and not being myself. I forget who I am and what I’m doing. I’ve had this revelation before and I’ve gone back to the old destructive me and given up on my journey just to start again a few months later. I’ve done it over and over. It’s not even like “omg this guy is perfect. I’m myself, I’m opening up, I’m feeling good about what we have, I’m still on track spiritually …”. It’s always “well this is ok; its fun, he’s nice, I love this one tiny part about him …” I settle and fuck myself over. I’m scared to relapse. The biggest thing I’ve been scared of lately is fame. Am I close to fame? I do not believe so lol. But I’ve had several full on panic attacks of what it would feel like to be recognized in public, having tons of notifications coming in … I feel like a crazy person! Part of me feels like maybe that could be an option down the line and I’ve fearfully come to the conclusion that I would be able to handle it if life takes me there. It’s the oddest fear, but that one is 100% real and I haven’t had the balls to talk to anyone and admit this.
I want to be surrounded by love and happiness. I understand that love has to start with me and happiness is a choice and a journey, nit a destination. I want to learn to love the parts of me that I sometimes feel embarrassed about. I want to learn to love me as a whole! I want to be my true authentic self at all times in front of all people on all platforms. I believe that’s what I have truly been missing. How can I love someone and expect them to love me in return if I’m not in love with me? How dare I even ask! I want to learn to love my solitude. I want to be an active reader. I want to always seek truth and knowledge. I want to stick to my budget and thrive financially. I want to see my business thrive. Most of all I want to thrive as a bad ass spiritual warrior for the people. I want to help people conquer their demons. I want people to trust me and to allow me to advise them on their journey. I have so much to learn, but I never want to stop.
Thank you for this journey. Thank you for the strength to carry on when the weight of the world is weighing me down. Thank you for life! Thank you for MY life! Thank you for allowing me to be a vessel and for me to be at a point where I am ready to admit that this is what I want to do. Thank you for those who support me and thank you for those who don’t. Thank you for the people who didn’t make “the cut” this year. Thank you for a positive attitude moving forward into 2019. I’m especially thankful for the journey this time. I feel much more connected and I believe it’s because of my dedication to what I want to do with my life.
** RAW WARNING** this was written as I normally do with pen and paper. Thoughts as they come and as raw as I can be. There may be grammar (more than normal) or spelling errors but this is to get the feelings and concerns off your mind and into the universe. Thanks for reading and being a part of the healing.
