Today, I’m 36. Officially over halfway to 70.
This last year has been a mess of changes and realizations. The first being, I can’t change people. I can only change how I react to them. And for some people, that means surgically removing them from my life with a ruthlessness that means that I can keep them out of my life. And that’s ok. Blood means we are related. Blood does not mean we are family. Family is made of the people who love you and support you and will call out you out but not being toxic about it. Family is the people you choose. I choose my family and the people related to me by blood are not among them. And it’s rather oddly freeing. It means that I’m free to explore to the person that I am. Not the person that I’m expected to be, not the person that is supposed to be the same person that I was over a decade and a half ago.
The person who I am now is a person in flux; a person of cracked foundations and experiences that have scarred me in many many ways. But also resilient.
And I’ve learned I can do things I didn’t think I could do in this last year in going from 35 to 36. I learned I can let go. I learned I can stand on my own two feet. I’m learning that stasis is ok too. I’m learning that my experiences can help other people. I’m learning that I’m actually lovable. Its a slow process. Two steps forward, 3 steps backward kind of slow but better slow then nothing at all.
I’m learning I have to take care of me. I can’t just take care of other people and neglect myself. That’s not fair to anyone. I’m not good at taking care of me. But I am learning it’s necessary. And that’s a start and that is better then nothing.
It’s not all doom and gloom though. Its learning to see the joy in my kid’s face and making memories with her that I never had. It’s working to make sure she will never hate me the way I hate the person who birthed me. It’s finding places in me to smile about and finding pride in myself. I know I have a long way to go yet but I’m making progress and I want to make 36 about making yet more progress and being the person I want to be.
