#personal!!!

y'all i literally near about had an anxiety attack over the possibility of me getting a C as an overall grade in one of the stupidest classes i've ever taken in my fricking life

like sweet stars above can i just stop putting so much pressure on myself to be perfect???

like geez louise i try so hard and yet i don't do one thing and then one thing leads to another and im sitting on a bed feeling like i'm going insane because a grade is just a fricking number and a letter doesn't mean anything but i've so deeply internalized the idea that i am the sum total of my achievements and i need to be worthy of stuff and i need to do things perfectly and the best every single time that when i actually screw up i allow myself no mercy and no gentleness and i'm just straight up like

wow.

you could have done this months ago.

you could have turned the assignment in on time

you could have been so much better than this, you are better than this, what are you doing, you did so well back when you were in highschool and you had no friends and nothing to occupy yourself with, you got everything done and you still had time to develop an anxiety issue, what's holding you back now

like idk what i'm doing here i guess i just don't want to shout into a void because voids are only echoes

but

i've been perfect my whole life

like not even a perfect little christian girl, cause God knows I've got so many sins and flaws.

not a perfect daughter, i've let my parents down a million times

but i was at least a good student

not a pleasure to have in class but a joy to have in class

and like, i used to be so proud of myself and now i sit here all day and i stare at a screen that i type words into and i want to drop out of college and i want to go live in the woods and bake bread and get a job that doesn't involve me staring numbly into a computer screen all day but that's what my life is now, that's what it's always going to be, and it's insane

like, you get to college, and you sit there like i made it

and then classes start and you put your all into it but it's too easy because you went to a heavy-duty school that took no shit and gave no crap and now you're sitting here, surrounded by crap, doing busywork, writing pages about a book you didn't want to read, about videos you didn't want to watch, and you just think

my stars

wasn't this supposed to be my end goal? wasn't this something exciting?

and im like

well, i don't know, was it?

and all i can think of is how much i don't want to take tests and do quizzes and i don't even want to read poetry anymore for my class because even poetry cannot offer me reprieve from my own anxious, upset thoughts.

like, gah.

and then like, part of me wants to just abandon everything and go to a trade school and become an electrician because they make money but my stars i love books and i love reading i just

i just can't

words?

thoughts?

honestly the thought of me getting a C in a stupid class that doesn't mean anything probably messed with my head enough to trigger something and now i just want to cry in a lump on the floor

but anyway im not doing good tonight.

I really hope you are.

any score between 32-50 means a high likelihood of being on the spectrum...