#performancemajor

Oldest son @finngesner killing it on trumpet at the final performance of his first year at UCLA!!! STAR WARS TOO!!! So frickin' proud! #uclaherbalpertschoolofmusic #performancemajor #starwars (at Schoenberg Hall)

I wouldn't be smiling if I didn't have coffee... #coffee #collegelife #musicmajor #musicmajorprobs #performancemajor #school #coffeemakeseverythingbetter (at Rocky Mountain College)

When you're playing too sharp and you decide to switch barrels and it gets stuck half way BECAUSE IT'S SO DAMN HOT and your clarinet has swollen. #musicmajorproblems #performancemajor #thankstucson #iguessimdonepracticingfornow #clarinetproblems #toohot

Been thinking a lot about how to make my performances an experience that truly touches my audience, whoever that may be. I struggle so much with fighting myself when I perform. Because of the anxiety and the fear of being judged, and maybe not even that, just the fear of being wrong or messing up. I struggle with letting go, giving in. And I go back to all the videos I've seen of other wonderful players and one stuck with me. This kid, amazing pianist, he said that it wasn't about him. He didn't think he was doing anything extraordinary because he was working to make the music speak. The notes on the page. That was the point. The point of it all. The feelings that one receives from a performance, what I get out of it, that is my secret reward. It is music's gift to me. But it isn't about me. About my self consciousness, about my fears, my ambitions, my passion. I have been so selfish to make my performances about me. (And I have done this without meaning to, I never realized it until now.) So incredibly selfish. This isn't my gift to keep. It was never meant to be mine. It was never about me. It is and always has been about my gift to music. What I do, to be able to play and bring it alive for others. Its always been about the music.  Some of us have already figured this out, others like myself are only beginning to find our purpose in all of this. Thought I'd share because maybe it might help some find their way, and serve as a reminder for others. 

Im on summer break now and realized how frustrating it is that i cant just go to a practice room and practice for endless hours until midnight here at home....cause sleep is actually a thing for my family....who wouldve thought?... >.<