This is a FIRE line in the fanfic I’m reading. It’s “shame is always lurking” by nitroglycerin_and_paraffin (candleshopmenace) ( @candleshopmenace )

Today’s featured song is: “Perfectionist Complex” by Yamikuro feat. Megurine Luka! (cw: themes of depression)

Anon asked: May I please get your thoughts on Saburo’s reaction to the song “Perfectionist Complex”? It’s a vocaloid song if you aren’t familiar with it.

CAN I JUST SAY ITS A GOOD SONG AHHH JUST LISTENED TO IT??? THANK YOU???

Okay for the intro, Saburo is pretty happy and all that and the tone is pretty calming and a little nostalgic and its kind of the type of song that you know is sad but a little hopeful, so he’s into it

And lets just assume it’s the first time he’s hearing it so he’s just bobbing his head happily

Is there any meaning to the connecting days?

This world is merely made by gods to fight off boredom

There isn't any value to people is there

Because even if you die, nothing changes

okay here he kind of pauses because like that’s his fear that he isn’t doing enough because both his bros are so awesome

And like he feels like he can’t do anything and all that

And even if he loves life, he feels this way sometimes because that just makes him kinda sad

Like he does get bullied and he usually doesn’t blame the bullies, he blames himself for not being good enough and yeah

He just thinks that the world will go on even without him

If living and dying is the same thing

Then I will choose to "live"

If it's the same thing whether it's there or not

Then I will just leave something behind

Here’s where it gets a little hopeful, because he wants to leave something behind and he’s kinda tearing up at this point

Because really, a kid who looks up to his brothers, tries to be them, gets bullied… really it’s a lot

And this part gives him hope

"I'm afraid, of the unknown future"

It's painful, it hurts, my dark past

"I hate this, I just want to lock away all my feelings"

TDD Ichiro anyone? Parents gone anyone?

And yeah, saburo is always secretly afraid every time he has to battle because honestly it’s pretty scary because your brain can literally melt with the attacks or even kill you

And he tries to be strong because he doesn’t want to be bullied by anyone, and he just wants to be like Ichiro and jiro because they’re so strong and cool

Here honestly he’s thinking a lot and he’s hurt by the song but he’s blinking back the tears

Laughing and crying, even if it's the same thing

I will laugh and cry

Even if people sneer at me, even if I get hurt

I will simply laugh them off

Because this is him

He will do both, but will only cry when no one is there

He laughs them off when he’s with his friends because he needs to be strong for himself

But he remembers Ichiro telling him that it’s okay to cry because its better than holding it in

But if he’s embarrassed to cry, he can do it away and Ichiro did tell saburo that he does cry, but he understands why Saburo doesn’t want to

But Ichiro assures him it’s okay

"Unless I'm perfect, I cannot love myself"

This lyric has the tears spilling because that’s what he thinks, he wants to be perfect, he wants to be that way

Being unclear is weak, emotions just get in the way

But then, all the emotions- happiness, anger, and sadness- would have no meaning

"You're just in pain because you can't get strong..."

This is where he thinks about when he feels like he’s disappointing Ichiro

And that he isn’t strong enough or he isn’t training enough

And his heart is just crying and it’s him blinking back the tears that already fell

And he really stands up and locks the door to his room so no one can go in

Even though emotions are a nuisance

There's a certain warmth to them isn't there?

Something that's not perfect, something that's unstable

I would like to call it a "heart"

This makes him feel better and gives him hope

But he’s still crying because it does give him hope that he’s gonna be better as long as he pours his heart into it

To find out whether living and dying is the same thing...

I'll find out after I've lived through my life

Even if I laugh or cry or don't get rewarded

I will love that life

There, more tears because of the hope he feels despite his own feelings of imperfection

Like yeah, he isn’t you know… perfect but this song makes him feel like it’s okay

That it’s really okay to be that way

There doesn't have to be anything that's perfect

Yes, it can be something that fits your size

Basically what Ichiro tells him, that perfection isn’t one thing, it’s multiple things

What’s perfect to one is not perfect to another

But Ichiro promises him that yes, saburo is perfect

Even jiro says so, in his own, insensitive and crass way

It's okay

"Is it okay?"

It's okay

"Is it okay?"

"Is it okay?"

It's okay

Saburo is wiping away the tears at this point and just a mess a little bit after the first time he hears this

And the last part really gets him because he needs to be told that it’s okay to fail sometimes

And that it’s okay to not be perfect

And it’s perfect to be imperfect because that’s what constitutes heart

So now he likes listening to it when he feels down

Site 01 is impossibly sterile, even compared to Site 2513, where the Overseer typically resides. It wears its position like a uniform: tall, straight, unflinching, its expression well hardened from decades of practice, even steps announced with rhythmic clicking of its heels against the tile. It acknowledges the skeleton staff with small nods if they make eye contact, but otherwise ignores them completely.

The staff get sparser and more unkempt the deeper into the complex it walks. The stark white walls are replaced with sheets of metal, polished to an almost painful brightness. Wear begins to show, rapidly growing darker as they continue to a door. The haggard factotum give its back some worries glances as it pushes the rusted door with its entire weight.

"One." It is a statement, it has to sound sure.

The life support acts up slightly before a deep voice echoes out of the sarcophagus in front of it, "What mistakes have you made, Janus."

It flinches at the use of its call sign in place of its designation, "I wanted advice."

"If you cannot figure out problems on your own, why are you here?"

It closes its eyes, keeping its breath steady, "I have noticed emotions creeping in. You are adept at not being plagued by such things. I want to remove them before they become a problem."

There is a pause, "It is acceptable to have foresight."

It doesn't dare relax, lest it present unacceptably. It waits for him to continue.

"It is barely acceptable that it has gotten even this far."

It doesn't react as he continues to expound upon how it should have sought advice elsewhere, how its judgment is clearly already clouded, and how it should know it can ignore such things if it was truly fit for its station.

The dressing down is mercifully short, 43.72 minutes exactly.

"Thank you, sir."