Dating Easy Company in 2025 Would Be Like…
💼 Winters
You're dating the most competent man alive, which is both comforting and exhausting.
Brings you flowers, but they're always seasonal, hand-picked, and arranged by color palette. Almost irritatingly perfect.
Says “I’ll pick you up at 6” and actually shows up at 6.
Has never texted “lol” in his life. Doesn’t know what it stands for. Probably assumes it’s code.
Keeps a running list of your favorite meals in a tiny notebook he won’t admit exists.
Will never post you on social media. But everyone knows he's taken.
Pros: Chivalry. Boundaries.
Cons: Has absolutely said “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and meant it.
🥃 Nixon
You thought you were just flirting with the guy at the bar who had sad eyes and good jokes. You were wrong. You’re in love.
Takes you on 2 a.m. walks and reads obscure history books in bed.
Sends texts like: “Thinking about you. Also the fall of the Austro-Hungarian Empire.”
Lets you wear his robe. You never give it back. He pretends to mind.
Pros: Thoughtful chaos. Witty with his wounds. Cons: Has 8 types of whiskey and only one functional emotion.
😐 Speirs
You didn’t choose to date him. You made extended eye contact and now you're in a relationship.
You basically left the door open and he never left.
Sends exactly one text per day to check in on you: “?” Somehow it means “I love you.”
Buys you a knife “for protection.”
Also carries one for you.
"Isn't this illegal to carry?" "Not unless you show it to the police."
Overprotective, but lowkey about it, unless someone pushes it. Then he's across the room in two seconds.
Once picked you up from work and stared down your boss.
Doesn’t talk much, but will say follow you anywhere like he’s ordering a coffee.
Accidentally-on-purpose sends you a thirst trap photo then denies ever trying to send it.
Pros: Loyalty like gravity. Deadpan devotion. Surprisingly great cook. Cons: Communicates in Morse code and murder energy.
🐶 Lipton
You mention a bad day once and he brings you snacks, your favourite blanket, and gently worded life advice.
Your parents adore him. Your friends think he’s made of sunlight.
Keeps a shared calendar and color-codes it on his tablet so your schedules are lined up.
Once bought you a plant and then felt guilty when it died.
Posts you constantly. “Look how beautiful my partner is" despite the boys teasing him about it and you begging him not to. Pros: Stability. Affection. Emotional fluency. Cons: Nothing. He is the benchmark. Marry him.
📱 Luz
Your relationship is 50% memes, 50% -"Are we being ironic or deeply in love?”
You start as friends; you accidentally hook up when you're laughing so hard you fall on top of each other.
Insists on “us” selfies where he makes faces and you try not to laugh.
The only one who knows how to use Snapchat.
Texts you at 2 a.m. with things like: “What if birds aren’t real but you are? 😳”
Actually deeply observant. Knows when you’re down and distracts you on purpose.
Took you on a date to IKEA and turned it into a fake domestic fantasy in one of the demonstration rooms and with a stuffed animal as a fake baby. You almost cried before he tossed the stuffed shark back into the bin and accidentally hit a child.
Led to a chase through the Ikea demonstration rooms and several "HAVE YOU SEEN THESE PEOPLE" posters up around Ikea.
You now have to go to the Ikea two towns over in order to get anything because an overreactive parents wants to press charges.
Calls you “babe” and “General.” Both feel right.
Always fills up the car with gas. Pros: Chaos with a big heart. ADHD-coded love notes ("Officially diagnosed, bayyyybayyyyyy."), a rotating stock pile of increasingly more stupid and hilarious bumper stickers. Cons: You have no idea if he paid the electricity bill or not and you force him into automatic billing so you don't have a heart attack every month.
🐍 Toye
You’re dating a grumpy old soul in a 30-year-old body.
Will fight for you, with you, or instead of you. Pick your poison.
Acts annoyed when you kiss his cheek. Secretly lives for it.
Owns two hoodies. You steal both. He complains, but lets you keep them.
“I’m not soft,” he says, while tucking a blanket around you and kissing your forehead.
Pros: Ride or die. Secret cuddler. Will deck someone in your name.
Cons: Pretends Taylor Swift is overrated but knows all the words and has a favourite era ("Reputation, obviously.").
🦿 Guarnere
Calls you “babe,” “honey,” “doll,” and “sergeant,” all in one sentence.
Flirts like he’s in a black-and-white movie.
Picks you up and spins you around if you so much as smile.
Surprisingly romantic. Candlelit dinner in the garage with pizza? He delivered.
Definitely got into a physical altercation with someone who insulted you on Twitter.
Unironically loves mafia films.
1000 percent supports Luigi Mangione ("HE WAS THE BEST GUY AROUNDDDDD" "What about the murder?" "WHAT MURDAAAAH").
Pros: Energy. Heart. Loyalty.
Cons: Will 100% bring a speaker to the park and blast Sinatra. Lives for shitty Italian-American representation like your local community theatre's production of "Jersey Boys" where the Frankie Valli actor is ten times too old and can hardly hit the high notes.
🎧 Malarkey
The actual definition of a "dog boyfriend," but less of a "golden retriever" boyfriend and more of a springer spaniel.
Texts you “u up?” at 10 p.m. but it’s just to show you a playlist he made called “Songs That Remind Me of Ur Face" with a stupid smiley face attached.
Always down for a drive to nowhere with the windows down and sad music playing. Unironically loves Lana Del Rey.
Brings you snacks, coffee, and a rock he found that “looks kind of like a heart.”
Makes a full Spotify playlist for your first kiss. Shares it. Title: “holy crap i like you.”
Watches rom-coms and pretends it’s “for the memes.” He cries every time.
Favourite is "You've Got Mail."
Pros: Soft hands. Big hugs. Bigger feelings. Cons: Will make your entire relationship into a playlist and sob over it until you tell him to knock it off and force him to go on a "emotions walk."
💅 Perconte
You’ve never been exfoliated this emotionally in your life.
Shows his love by giving you a skincare routine and yelling if you don’t stick to it.
Buys matching water bottles. “Hydration is sexy, babe.”
Will literally throw down in Sephora if someone is rude to you.
Hates Sephora kids ("They always ruin the samples- no respect. Absolutely no respect.").
Ends up teaching the kids proper exfoliation after they mistake him for 28 and say "You look so good for your age."
Posts you on Instagram like: “Get yourself someone who makes your pores and heart glow.”
Surprises you with breakfast and a “face mask date.” He wears a stretchy headband. You fall harder.
Unironically loves Lululemon. Is more of a Lululemon Sephora girlie than any white girl you've ever met.
Pros: Skincare sugar daddy. Rides hard for you. Smells amazing.
Cons: Will judge your shampoo.
🥺 Babe Heffron
Human cinnamon roll. Cries if you look too pretty for too long.
Writes you little notes and leaves them in your bag like “You’re my favorite person.”
Nervous to hold your hand at first. Now does it constantly, like it’s oxygen. LOVES hand holding, even if it gets sweaty after a while and you have to shake your hand out.
Enjoys forehead kisses more than actual kisses.
Brings you flowers “just because.” Doesn’t realize you’re crying.
Asks if he can kiss you every single time. You say yes. Every single time.
Looks at you like you hung the moon. He means it.
Pros: Pure. Gentle. Hugs like home.
Cons: Cries during SPCA commercials.
🕯️ Doc Roe
Soft-spoken and emotionally confusing until one day he just… lays his soul at your feet. You die internally.
Carries your favourite snacks in his bag without telling you.
Touches your wrist to check your pulse like it’s a casual excuse to hold your hand. Your heart skips.
Won’t say “I love you” out loud for months, but he’ll pull you behind him when crossing the street.
ALWAYS walks on the outside near the cars.
One night he kisses you like he’s afraid the world might end. You realize he’s been in love with you since day one.
Pros: Quiet protector. Heals everything he touches.
Cons: Will not talk about his own feelings unless you really ask.
🗡️ Joe Liebgott
Says he doesn’t care about anything, but memorizes your coffee order by week two and brings it to your workplace.
Always swears when he compliments you — “Fuck- you look good."
Will snap at the world, but kiss you like he’s afraid you’ll disappear between blinks until you reassure him.
Calls you dumb affectionately. Tells you he’s the dumb one when your feelings get too quiet.
Acts like your hand in his is no big deal, but holds it like it’s keeping him here.
Gets loud with other people. Gets quiet with you.
You catch him staring at you during a dumb movie. He shrugs and says, “What? You’re the best part.”
One night, after a fight with another guy who was being rude to you, you hear him whisper, “I don’t know how to be good, but I do know how to love you.”
And he does.
Pros: Fierce loyalty. Cuts the world down to protect your peace. Would financially support you without even asking if you wanted to stay at home.
Cons: Will implode if you say the word “vulnerable” too directly.
