#pencorpus

A small glimpse into the hoard I curated while I was a dragon. I have more areas like this around my room, just accumulations of things like this. I still have some minor hoarding tendencies, I grab beanie babies I like and have a small collection of typewriters, but my compulsive (jokingly) collection has very much faded away over the years.

It started up in maybe kindergarten, when I was maybe 5-6. That's also when my obsession with dragons started. By the time I was 13-14, I was the dragon kid. I still enjoy drawing them and do prefer them when it comes to mythical creatures, but it doesn't rattle in my marrow anymore. I stopped fully being a dragon around the age of 17, maybe? It was a very slow change, I didn't notice it. I woke up one day and I was.... gillman...! Looking back it was very clear what was happening, but it was hard to identify in the moment.

I am physically nonhuman. Inhuman. However you seek to put it. I may not have been particularly open about it before, and most of my prior explanations for myself and the way I am are tied to my spiritual beliefs as an attempt to make sense of my multiple kintypes within this one body. In doing this though, I neglected entirely to pay attention to the looming physical aspect of my nonhumanity. In turn I believe this led to a lot of personal disconnect and strange feelings towards my nonhumanity. In attempting to explain it purely through spiritual means, and attempting to stay along the lines of "I know my body is human", I was neglecting part of myself. I can't know my body is human because it is not. I don't speak about this metaphorically, ie. I am a dragon therefore my body is that of a dragon. No. Every single atom that makes up my physical structure. My very DNA. Is not human. At this very instant I genuinely and fully believe that I do not have a human body despite the shape it's been formed into and the shape it presents to all others. Despite the mother I was birthed from, despite those I am a 'blood relative' of, I am not human. In every aspect, on all levels including physical, I am nonhuman. And yet this still leaves me with questions. Is it really possible for my DNA to be an amalgam of all of my different kintypes? Are all of my kintypes physical? Or are only a few physical with the rest coming from other sources. The answer is nuanced and complicated and I urge you bear with me here for my explanation. I believe my Teratosoma plenanima primarily encompasses that which makes up my DNA. The form it takes, the form that my body is and the physical structure that I bear are my Teratosoma. My amalgamation of physical kintypes have merged into the shape that creates my Teratosoma plenanima, which is how I believe I can hold multiple physical kintypes while being entirely physically nonhuman. I have multiple partial sets of DNA that have combined into the shape of one creature. It is also important to note, however, that I do consider my Selkie/Animal Bride archetrope to be part of my plenanima. While this is not a physical identity, it shapes the way I view myself and the way I interact with the world around me. Something about my physical self (my correct appearance) feels as though it has been stolen from me and is being hidden somewhere to keep me living within human society. My fundamental physical structure has remained the same though. In the same way a Selkie appearing as human is still biologically and physically a selkie, still a seal, my outward appearance that most take as the approximate shape and form of a human is still physically, biologically that of my plenanima. And while there is a spiritual aspect to this (re: our soul is naturally split which affects our physical form) I do believe that my soul's makeup only matters here insofar as it keeps my physical form stable with my amalgamation of DNA.

get beastly with it !

(pen-COR-pus)

From Latin paene ("almost") and corpus ("body"). Literally meaning "almost a body".

Inspired by the word "penumbra", which is defined as "a space of partial illumination (as in an eclipse) between the perfect shadow on all sides and the full light" or "a surrounding or adjoining region in which something exists in a lesser degree". x

Pencorpus: A term to describe a nonhuman identity that is not experienced in full or otherwise feels hollow, disjointed, fractured, or void of emotion [when compared to an individuals other nonhuman identities].

A group of regularly occurring nonhuman experiences that are not linked to an already known kintype, theriotype, or other personal nonhuman identity; not categorized wholly as a cameo shift or otherwise made up of too many moving parts to be easily described as a cameo shift; not inherently connected, but often times experienced within close proximity of each other; important to someone's experience. A pencorpus is considered an identity or state of being purely because the body or mind is experiencing itself as that thing, not because of a spiritual or emotional connection.

A pencorpus is not a singular experience, but rather a way to describe multiple shifts or experiences without having to explicitly describe each one. A pencorpus may be made up of different cameo shifts, residual shifts from anteatypes, or any other combination of experiences. It is is a labeled bag to throw things into so that you can talk about them more easily.

Examples and usage:

"I used to be a bird and sometimes still have phantom wings. Sometimes I have an equine cameo shift that overlaps with my wings. When this happens, I like to say I have a pegasus pencorpus."

"I have a rabbit paratype and a deer paratype. They have different sources and I don't consider them to be connected, but sometimes I feel them both at the same time. Its easier to call them a jackalope pencorpus when I talk about it."

"I have cameo shifts all the time, and sometimes I will have four or five different shifts in one day. When this happens, I call it my chimera pencorpus."

Permissions:

The pencorpus label is for alterhuman/nonhuman use only, and is not connected to radqueer identities. This label is inherently harmless and was made to better articulate a pre-existing phenomena within a specific community.

Reason for coining:

This term, much like satellotype, was created for my personal use. Anyone is free to use it (I would be happy to know that I've helped others articulate themselves), but do note that this is me looking at myself, as opposed to me looking at the community.

I have a lot of cameo shifts. I am the type of beast who can call upon any phantom sensation at will. I have been since I was 7 or 8. Many times, I default to a gillman. Not always, though, and when I'm not a gillman, I have a variety of cameo shifts. Sometimes they overlap, sometimes its only one, sometimes I experience them all in a day one at a time. If you take all of my regular cameo shifts and shove them together, I'll look something like a jersey devil. Sometimes the specifics change, but this has been happening regularly for over a year, with some of the cameo shifts that make it up having always existed in me.

Like cameo shifts, I experience being a jersey devil without identifying as a jersey devil. But this is not a jersey devil cameo shift, it is a collection of unrelated, regularly occurring cameo shifts that resemble a jersey devil. I could, if I wanted, just call it a jersey devil 'type and move on. And many others would likely do just that, instead of coining a new term. But I have no emotional attachment to jersey devils. They mean little to nothing to me in the context of being nonhuman. It's void of all the meaning that many of my other 'types hold. It's an experience I want to talk about without attributing it more significance than it has.

There is also the question of "why not call it a cameotype?" And it makes sense, since we often talk about cameo shifts, but a cameotype is an earlier name of the paratype. And a pencorpus is, in my opinion, the spiritual opposite of a paratype. It's something you experience that is a bit disconnected from yourself, that holds little importance despite it being a state of being, as opposed to the emotionally or spiritually significant paratype.

I'm back up in the Ozarks for the holidays, and it's strange. Making me think about how and why my plenanima became so heavily fictional. When I was young and up here, I would run away into the woods when upset. Follow along the coyote paths and collect the bones from their hunts. I'd sit and watch bugs eat the dead deer. I'd collect the dead birds and bury them and I'd fish out bones from ditches and creeks. Catch snakes and crawdads and bugs. It's where I ran to when everything up here became too much (which was, to be honest, very often). I'd climb up onto the cliffs and sit at the edge, so high that buzzards and hawks flew at my eye level.

A lot of my nonhumanity, especially as an early child, came from my family in the Ozarks. And so I find it strange that throughout all my iterations and versions, even going into my current pencorpus, none of them resemble the wildlife up here. My feelings of nonhumanity are never stronger than they are when I'm up here. I'd expect myself to take the form of the place I went to feel the most comfort, but it's not. It's always been something very far off, very different.

It probably has to do with my general use of escapism. I protected myself by retreating so far into my head that the real world can't touch me. So I guess that meant that the beasts of this world couldn't get to me.

My plenanima is so deeply fictional, it's completely rooted in the coping mechanism that kept me safe when the stress was enough to render me constantly ill.

I've recently realized that my pencorpus really lacks a fictional essence. I'm starting to wonder if it's not "central to my identity" not because it's not inherent to me, but because I have been so fictional for so long that I am struggling to connect with nonhuman identity that is rooted in reality. The boar and donkey and bird aspects of me are definitely there, but they are locked away. I feel like I should be able to touch them the way I touch and interact with amphibians and reptiles, but I struggle to.

There is also the thought of plenanima/pencorpus as some stronger, deeper type of duality to me. I've spoken about it before here and on my main blog, but gender for me is very nebulous and hard to navigate due to certain things being pushed onto me as a young teen. Because I wasn't feminine in the correct way (being tomboyish, not shaving, no makeup), my family assumed I had to be a trans man. Every time I deviated from the presentation they wanted, I was interrogated about my gender identity. They insisted that the only reason I'd be the way I was was because I was a closeted trans man. It confused me, it made me feel like I wasn't allowed to be a woman and I'd only ever find myself in masculinity. The thing is, I'm not a trans man or really even trans-masc. Engaging with that identity felt wrong, but its what I thought I had to be. This idea of a "masculine identity that i am both allowed to be and that feels good" manifested itself in my fiction in complex ways. It's an emotion that is very evident in my plenanima.

I didn't really start to realize what had happened until very recently.

My pencorpus came about a year and a half ago, in summer of 2024. The things that happened in my mind and to my sense of self in that time shan't be repeated here, but it was tied closely to my experiences growing up in the Ozarks. It established a hard line in my mind between "me" and "not me" that was distressing and hard to navigate and control. I was very dissociated, and that disconnect from my plenanima gave way to many many cameo shifts and paratype developments. The dissociation faded, eventually, but I haven't really been able to shake that sort of... separation. What happened that month has haunted me and while I do not think plenanima/pencorpus is akin to that, I do notice similarities between a "me but to the right" and a "me but to the left". Both are me, but one developed from coping mechanisms, isolation, and escapism. The other is blurry and unfocused, but free of whatever constraints are on the other.

I am, as a gillman, not allowed to be feminine. Others have never let me do it in a way that's comfortable or feels right, it's always been taken away and then weaponized against me. I don't think I can be faulted for trying to find safety in being masculine, it really was my only option for a long while. Even still, it is safer for me. I'm still actively interrogated about my gender by family, dressing or looking traditionally feminine makes me feel sick. It's easier to claim masculinity, the thing that's been pushed on me for so long, than it is to exist as feminine despite my status as a cis woman.

My pencorpus does not care, there is liberation and joy in existing as a woman outside of cishet expectations. Seeing my body as something more akin to a female boar lets me exist in my skin and in my gender. Things that would be warning signs to my plenanima are natural to my pencorpus.

A lot of this has been discovered with the (unknowing) help of my girlfriend, who has given me a safe place to figure out how I want to be seen, treated, and desired. Being able to engage with parts of myself that have been severely neglected in a safe way has really helped me realize a lot of this.

I have dabbled with the thought that maybe this is some sort of plural situation. A part of me that developed under chronic stress as an attempt to keep me safe (plenanima) and then a part of me that has been preserved and protected from the stressors (pencorpus). I have completely different feelings around gender and my nonhuman wants and desires absolutely change. But I ultimately don't think that's what it is, and even if that argument could be made, I don't think calling it that would help at all. It gives these two things too much separation in me, implies that there is some difference or split in my sense of self or two different influences. When it's really just.... different traits coming out in response to my environment. All fully me. I'm just finally learning how to actually engage with the parts of me that I've forced into hiding for so long.

I think that I am still very heavily a gillman, and I will be for a long while still. But I also think that being a jersey devil will begin to become more important to me as I continue to exist in safe spaces, like I do with my girlfriend. Right now, I doubt that I will ever stop being a gillman, I just expect my whole set up to slowly morph into an equal duality than a primary vs. secondary thing.

If any of this makes sense at all.

Thanks for reading and dealing with my ramblings.

I imagine my nonhuman identity as a bunch of circles. The largest, and all encompassing one is this idea of nonhumanity in general. Within it, there are two more circles that do not intersect, the plenanima and pencorpus. They sit side by side.

Many identities (other circles) exist and overlap within the plenanima and pencorpus. They intersect and interact and arrange themselves in different ways. I can feel how they move and shift, like ripples in water. They may absorb each other or split like cells do. Some days they overlap more in some areas than others.

The satellotype is a 'type fully encompassed by another, larger 'type. There is no part of the satelle that exists outside of its parent.

I am fully an alien, but nothing about being an alien exists separately from being a gillman. Interacting with myself as an alien means that I must also interact with being a gillman.

It is not a paratype, as a satelle is a full nonhuman identity. But it is not fully "independent", it must exist alongside and in tandem with

And so my satelles are quiet. I don't need to talk about them much.

I was thinking about what I said about alligators the other day, and they are 100% another satelle. A full identity, sure. But so firmly set in my gillman identity that it won't really do me much good to interrogate it further.

I haven't spoken about satellotypes ass much as I hoped I would, but I'm trying to make up for it. Hopefully this makes more sense. Very rushed and vaguely accurate plenanima breakdown for you. I didn't include everything (obviously) and these things ebb and flow, but hopefully I added enough to communicate what I mean.

And, of course, the feminine aspect as well. My face usually remains unchanged, outside of my teeth. My boobs are also an important part of it. Which makes me giggle a lot!