#pen rants

Do you know what I want in a horse game?? I swear I'm gonna make one of my own one day, and this is what I want: I want FANTASY horse breeds.

Completely.

I don't want none of these "hey guys here's our new breed number 1 of 1,000,000,000 that we have requests back up of, it's the arabiaaaaan!" Because then a lot of shit happens:

1) people will always be unhappy that other real world breeds aren't also in your game

2) people have full range to critique the appearance of your horse design to make sure it matches the actual one

3) you have to make like a bjillion of them!! There are SO many kinds of horse!!

Hello again everyone! I hope you guys still remember who I am at least a little bit

In case it’s difficult to recall, I received some pretty distasteful messages from a blog that blatantly ignored my pinned post and all of my limits to try and push their fantasies onto me. When I didn’t accept that, they decided to attack me with further gross imagery and accusations, and all of those words greatly affected my mental state.

I was already in a pretty...Fragile spot, with this account. Being Pen used to bring me a lot of joy, but there are also many times where I was exhausted by how people would approach me and treat me, whether we had a long-term dynamic or it was someone looking to become part of the Garden.

I’ve had to answer the same things over and over again, despite making an FAQ answering those questions. I’ve had to re-explain my personal processes and views an exhausting amount. I’ve had my limits pushed even by my more regular playmates, and I’m admittedly quite a people pleaser even as a Dominant so I unfortunately would choose to either go along with it or avoid things altogether.

When those asks came into my inbox, it was the lighter to my already shortened fuse. I basically exploded with stress and had to pull away from it all.

I’ve always seen this tumblr account as a reprieve from the stressors of my real life. I don’t have a lot of autonomy or control, so I seek it out here. But when even this place becomes a source of stress, I start to run out of outlets pretty quickly.

So...I chose to just leave, instead. It was better than being here. Anytime I would check the dash, I’d get this pit in my stomach and feel completely overwhelmed. I’d have to close it after reading maybe 4-5 posts. I’m not enjoying it like I used to.

Where does this leave us? That’s a really good question.

I’ve been thinking about it because I would feel bad going into the ether without saying anything. I feel like I should either close my askbox or my DMs, and if I choose to close neither then I will probably be much more strict with who I interact with and when, as well as locking certain kinds of interaction behind a paywall.

I’m very tired. I still have a lot of thinking to do, I wish I could’ve had a more concrete update. But sometimes you just can’t have all the answers on hand.

Someone on pinterest reposted my art without credit and their entire account has extremely explicit content related to the boiz and my art is RIGHT. FUCKING. NEXT TO IT!

This is not the early 2000s, which is why it makes me so angry. I'm not sure why they have to do things like this to "convince" people to download their apps.

Please don't make "Nerd Does a Makeover To Get Some Dude" because first of all, it

Sucks.

It's so easy to come up with something different. As someone who wears big, clunky glasses and has the occasional stubborn zit and needs to get braces, I'm either offended by these things or just 100% over it. Depends on my mood, honestly.

The point is this: I look better in my glasses because I can ACTUALLY SEE! I look better with my hair all frizzy and untameable-looking because I just so happen to have 4c coils and the best I can do at this point is moisturise and detangle, and it's my signature look. I look better with my gappy smile and sideways tooth until I get my life together and visit the tooth people because that is just what I look like.

I'm not changing for a man (or woman) because that won't be the me that they fall in love with. We all know it. Boys are stupid, but so is everyone else. Find a different trope or make a new one. You have writers for a reason.

I don't even like the app being advertised. I cannot stand it.

So, yeah. I'm not dying or straightening my hair until it passes my elbows. I'm not taking off my glasses in favour of contacts, because you know what? I like my glasses, despite the fact that I'm often compared to Harry Potter with them one when they are ovals and his are circular. I'm not destroying my odd face so someone else will like me more because if they didn't like me to begin with, there's literally no point. That person is superficial and toxic.

And they don't have to like you. No one does. No one gets up and decides that they have to like anyone. Personalities clash. That is how humans work.

That being said, practice some self care for yourself today. Like yourself.

This is the ad in question that set off this whole thing.

Sorry about this.

Turning off asks and DMs

Please excuse me as I go on a personal rant about my ghost life that there is absolutely no reason anyone needs to read or see, but this is my blog and I don’t care.