#paxsie

It all happened so fast. Too fast. A blur of movement and confusion that was all over before she could blink. They should never have even been caught in this situation, caught up in a firefight that should never happened. It was all supposed to be so routine, exfilling out from a hot zone and mission that had all gone to plan. Their truck had been hit, they’d been forced on foot, fighting their way from cover whilst men screamed into their radios for any kind of air support they could find. 

Rose’s combat skills were rusty, she knew this. She knew her way around a firearm, but firefights like this one were dominated by semi automatic rifles that were no longer her strong suit. It was like being back at Sandhurst, the work of a foot soldier and not an intel operative. She was used to slinking through the world with a fine dress and a pistol, not fighting for her life amongst all of the dust, sand and heat back in her fatigues. 

She’d made a mistake, one that she would have chided herself for if she’d had the opportunity. She’d strayed too far out of cover, tried to push too fast. By rights she should be dead. And yet, something had pushed her to safety, thrown her to the floor with such a jolt that it had felt like a train hitting her. 

Pax. 

He was bleeding, his fatigues already beginning to saturate with blood. The sight immediately sent Rose into panic and the feeling alone made her feel so small. She crawled back towards him on her elbows, her head down to avoid the spray of bullets before. Reaching his side, the only words she had tumbled from her shaking lips unchecked. 

“Why did you do it? Tell me.” 

Because this should have been her, lying there on the ground and faced with the consequences of her own mistake. Her body should have been torn and bleeding, not his. She knew his reason, even before he spoke, but it did nothing to quell the confusion in her mind. She’d always known that this might be something he would do... but seeing it? Seeing it hurt in a way she couldn’t entirely deal with. 

“You fucking stay alive.” More unchecked words fell from her mouth, the rare slur almost foreign on her lips. She didn’t have the time or ability on measuring herself now, couldn’t waste any of her concentration as she checked his body, ripping open his fatigues to look at the wound. Her shaking hands checked for any remnants of a bullet, her training telling her that if it was still there she couldn’t apply pressure to stop the bleeding. Relieved when it at least was clean, her hands reached into her pack, grabbing a wad of gauze and pressing it to the wound, crimson seeping between her fingers. 

Night - Zola Jesus

Laughing and smirking was more familiar territory and despite the close proximity of their bodies Rose felt all the more herself for it. Although it often drove her insane, Pax’s cocky nature was something that had originally attracted her to him. She always had loved a man who thought that he was God’s gift, almost as much as she loved systematically wearing him down. With Pax, there was always a truth behind his arrogance and although he was far from infallible, he was still an incredibly gifted soldier. 

“You’re good, I’ll give you that.” She cocked an eyebrow in response, returning his smirk with a dark one of her own. “I’ve heard that Lt. Clarke has made quite a name for herself though, perhaps you have competition? I hear she can control the Cajun quite adequately herself.” She laughed, flicking her hair in a deliberately unconvincing display of innocence. 

The way he kissed her made her want him, although in truth there had been a part of her that wanted him the second he appeared in her doorway, bloody and beaten. Regardless of her own desires, she couldn’t let herself completely forget about the battered state of his body, her mind appreciating that if he was to ever make it into training the next day his body needed time to heal, not more exertion. With a degree of self will that she didn’t even know she possessed she stood up slowly, moving off of Pax’s lap and standing in front of him. 

“Oh, hush.” She rolled her eyes, looking down at the cufflinks with pride once she’d done them up. “These are white gold, my father had a pair just like them. They’re also only on loan, so please for the love of God try to stop fidgeting.” She reached upwards and adjusted his bowtie sitting lopsided at the collar of his shirt. A smile twitched at the corner of her lips at the mere mention of handcuffs. “White gold handcuffs are difficult to come by, but be a good soldier and I have some beautiful black satin that you can tie me up with later.” She cocked an eyebrow. 

Her breath hitched ever so slightly as his hand moved up her leg but she didn’t falter, smiling as he leaned in and kissed her cheek. The man made it sound as though she’d brought him on a week long patrol rather than to a fancy military gala. 

“Tell you what, darling...behave yourself at this dinner for me and you can have whatever you want later. That agreeable enough for you?” She stood up quickly and stepped towards the full length mirror in the corner of the room, smoothing out her dress from every angle she could think of. 

“I’m too broken to be fixed, I’m too numb to feel the pain, too blind to see the truth, I’m too weak to walk away, but I’m finding strength, I’m finding strength, I’m finding strength, in the arms of someone else.”

 Rose was used to having blood on her hands and not always just metaphorically. Often she wasn’t doing the killing herself but rather a decision of hers that lead to blood. Sometimes it wasn’t even a decision that lay in her hands and yet it was still her voice that gave the command as though it belonged to her. Regardless, Rose did what was required of her with unshakeable loyalty, never looking back and forever looking forwards. She’d closed herself off now, made a conscious decision to remain unaffected by the fates and the lives that she meddled in. She heard the rumours, the insults that others threw her way. She saw the looks of disgust and betrayal, but over time their sting became less and less until the rolled off of her entirely, inconveniences rather than troublesome worries. The defensive wall around Rose’s heart was so thick that she feared it could never be penetrated now, even if she wanted it to be.

There were few things in life that Rose liked better than the opportunity to get dressed up and attend a fancy party. As an officer in the military as far up the pecking order as she was, Rose had plenty of opportunity to stretch her social butterfly wings and find just the right dress for the occasion. Even better, General Shepherd would often call on her to attend the functions that he had no interest in, giving Rose the chance to mix with her betters and update herself on the regimental and political gossip that was so often essential to her work. 

This evening was no different, a stuffy, dreary affair that promised no more than fine wine and an assortment of generals and majors eating too loudly and laughing far too much at their own jokes. Even so, it had given Rose some much needed time off base and a luxurious hotel room, so she couldn’t complain all that much. 

She usually brought along a plus one, although her choice was usually more political than her choice. This time however, Rose had been given free reign over who she could bring as her guest and as a result she’d opted not to spend her evening bored rigid next to someone she couldn’t stand. Trouble was, Pax didn’t seem too pleased to have been chosen as her escort for the evening. 

They were both standing in their shared hotel room, with Rose hogging the mirror in the bathroom applying the finishing touches to her make up. She spread the lip gloss between her lips and pouted, leaning back and smoothing her dress across her stomach. It was a long dress, black in colour and shimmering with sequins, each individually sewed on by hand she’d been assured. It was cut out at her waist and slit up to the thigh on the left hand side of the skirt, showing off a good portion of exposed skin, something that was certain to set tongues wagging when she walked into the hall. Good, just the reaction she was looking for. 

She felt his grip on her hips tighten, even as he looked on at her with an expression that for once she could not read. She hadn’t meant to hurt him with her words and yet sensibly she supposed how could she not have? Even so, she hadn’t imagined that he would react so strongly, so emotionally to her words. Was it possible that memories of their argument had been torturing him too? What did any of that even mean? 

He pulled closer, nuzzling into her neck and jaw, the short layer of stubble on his jaw scratching at her skin. At first she was lost as what to do, her hands hanging limply behind his back. Holding him back was a thought that momentarily petrified her. She could feel his heart hammering in his chest next to hers, could hear the words spill from his mouth between kisses. This was a Pax she’d never seen before, a Pax she had no idea how to tackle. 

I’m sorry. There it was, the words she’d wanted to hear and yet never expected to. Pax was in front of her, bloodied and vulnerable, beaten both physically and emotionally. Slowly, Rose lifted her arms, wrapped them around his body and held his body close, her fingers splayed across his back. She was still vulnerable, painfully so, but the knowledge that Pax was feeling just as vulnerable too was enough to console her, to convince her to ignore the voice at the back of her thoughts that told her that this was a mistake. After all, for a week her sole concern had been the fact that Pax suddenly had so much power over her, power that she hadn’t intentionally given him. She’d never once even considered the fact that she might hold the same power over him. The fact that they were equal in that at least was enough to silence what remained of her pride. 

“That... would not be a choice I make likely.” She said softly, surprised at herself that she was able to voice something that she’d only dared admit to herself once or twice in the past. “And whilst we’re so keen to speak of our daemons and apologise for all of our regrets... You must realise that what I said about you being a weak link in Shadow Company was a lie. I would never advocate your leaving... Not when your team are so reliant on you as it is.” And not only your team - she dared only add to herself. 

It was a relief of sorts, when the cocky, self assured Pax she knew came back to the forefront again, smirking at her as he pulled away from her kiss. She grinned at him in return, a low laugh tumbling from her lips. How could someone so beaten have his mind fixed on anything but sleep? Youth and stupidity, she supposed. 

She leaned closer, tilting her head so that this time she was the one kissing at his neck, sucking gently and adding a bruise of her own to the colours that were already starting to bloom across his skin. Smirking at his reaction she kissed her way up his jaw, whispering softly into his ear when she finally reached it.