#pathos logical

It told him that he needed to get powerful enough to make Shen Qingqiu respect him. If he couldn’t respect him, then at least he might fear him instead. When Shen Qingqiu ran, it told him to chase, to make sure he never got far. It whispered darkly in his ears, telling him that everyone who dared look at Shen Qingqiu was a threat. It gave him so many ideas for how to handle these threats, images flickering in his mind of limbs removed, eyes plucked out… Luo Binghe shivered and did his best to squash the darkest desires that Xin Mo encouraged. Shizun would be ashamed of him for thinking this way. He still wanted to be a good disciple for Shen Qingqiu; Xin Mo was only a means to that end, a way of getting close without going too far.

It wasn’t supposed to go like this.

Shen Qingqiu’s body was still warm in his arms, but his pulse had stopped, the blood mites in his veins lying inert without the pumping of his heart. 

The crowd growing around them was cursing his name, but he could barely hear them. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. Xin Mo was supposed to get Shen Qingqiu back in his arms, yes, but hadn’t expected it to be like this, with Shen Qingqiu detonating his core to calm the qi deviation Xin Mo had brought on.

Already, Xin Mo was sinking its dark tendrils back into his mind, taking advantage of the instability brought about by grief. It was just because he wasn’t strong enough, it told him. This was a temporary setback. He could get stronger, powerful enough to bring Shen Qingqiu back and then make him stay. But in the meantime, he had to get him away from all these onlookers. They would steal Shen Qingqiu away from him in a heartbeat if he let his guard down. He didn’t want to lose him completely, did he?

Luo Binghe couldn’t say no.

["I- no, I didn't mean-" Damien tries a laugh, weak and unconvincing, and then he brushes his thumb across Arum's face in a way that he hopes is placating.]  god i forget how ridiculous Damien is sometimes. Okay so Damien's slip of the tongue a few lines earlier, saying that he doesn't care if Arum hurts him, is a classic Damien fuckup in the context of- Damien’s self-directed dismissal accidentally implying something bad about someone else. And i think i’ve said this before, but Damien did not mean it. Obviously Damien would care if Arum hurt him- but the thing is, Damien knows that Arum won’t hurt him. He does. Not purposefully, or knowingly. A long time ago, maybe, Damien could have made himself believe that Some Monster wouldn’t care about incidentally hurting Damien while fucking him, but Arum isn’t just some monster. The issue is, Damien just wants things to be as normal between them, and his injury is in the way of that. He’s trying to ignore it. Arum is not capable of doing the same.

["I only... I only wish to be... for this to be for both of us. That's all. I know you wouldn't- I didn't mean to imply... or to- to ruin-"] Damien is overly concerned with the reciprocation, because Damien takes a lot of comfort in the scaffolding of their “arrangement.” He clings to what the both of them have agreed to as true about this Thing between them, because doing that means he does not need to THINK about it. Also, poor thing, he’s terrified that he’s “ruined” their tryst, tonight. Which is the LEAST of Arum’s worries.

[Arum's frill relaxes, the distress in his expression easing closer to exasperation as he draws a pair of palms soothingly up and down Damien's thighs.] Arum knows Damien. He knows how worried Damien gets, and that’s a lot more familiar than Damien trying to talk Arum into having sex with him regardless of any physical toll. He’s still worried, but at least Damien getting in his own head is familiar turf.

["I told you," the monster hisses. "I told you to be still, and let me take care of you.] arum voice don’t you believe what i say? arum voice don’t you trust me? arum voice all i want is to make you feel good.

[Have I ever left you wanting, honeysuckle? Have I ever given you reason to think that I would resent you for needing to take your physical limits into consideration?"] Theoretically these questions are rhetorical. However, Arum is also asking them on the wild chance that he may have, somehow, fucked up in the past and given Damien some indication that he would be That Specific Sort Of Asshole. Or, possibly, to ferret out if someone ELSE has treated Damien that badly in the past, in which case Arum may need to start a hit list.

["No," Damien keens, quick and desperate, and only Arum's hands on his sides prevent him from sitting up in distracted distress. "No, it isn't- you haven't done-"] Obviously not. Even when they were just starting, their situation was so fragile and precarious that they were both VERY careful with each other. And Damien responds with so much distress because, again, his own motivations were so internal. It was about disregarding himself, not about judging Arum’s treatment of him. Oopsie Daisy. “you haven’t done anything wrong” was the end of that sentence.

["We can stop," Arum says quietly. "If you would like.] This is one of the lines that I can hear so distinctly in my head. Oh, Arum. He cares so, so fucking much.

[I think... I think I've upset you, and if we are not both enjoying ourselves, then we have quite strayed from the point of our arrangement."] Arum puts the onus on himself for the situation. “I think I’ve upset you” rather than “you’re in a bad place right now.” And also, he frames his reasoning in a way that he knows will read to Damien, because it’s the same framework that Damien himself is obsessed with using. If Damien is upset, they aren’t doing their whole thing correctly. Which is both honest and also telling, in that BOTH of them are more worried about how the OTHER is feeling, rather than themself.

[Damien feels his eyes go hot, his body flushing with shame and an inexplicable tightness clutching his chest, and Arum makes a small noise before he crawls closer, laying himself carefully along Damien's uninjured side.] Damien’s response is a Me response, tbqh. Being ‘turned down’ for sex is extremely charged, even if it’s ABSOLUTELY the right thing to do, and it compounds the way that Damien feels already, which is to say, like he’s failing at something. Also, Arum’s more acute, very attuned senses are my favorite thing to play with. Arum can tell instantly that Damien is about to cry, which is NOT what he wanted. He immediately tries to comfort him, all physical contact and affection and then, humor.

["We can stop," he says again, more firmly.] Damien nearly cried. No way in fucking HELL is Arum going to just. keep trying to have sex. That’s unthinkable. ["You are injured, and tired, and I do not want for you to drive yourself to distress or harm for something as trivial as my orgasm."] Make a joke out of it, make it feel less important, make your voice breezy and unbothered. Arum is... so fucking gone. He just wants to make Damien smile again. literally, that’s all. That’s all he cares about, just now. make sure that damien is not unhappy. And he does make Damien laugh, so he counts that strategy as a win. poor, poor lizard. He’s Doing His Best.