#patchoulispetals

now that the weather's warming up i can finally have him on show ✨️

That's me ^^ 🫧

Hiiii ✨️ I'm Roxanne (she/her), but around here I go by Patchouli 🌿 I'm 22, Irish, but I dwell in Eastern England. I'm a traditional artist and former writer. I've been drawing ever since I was a kid, but have dedicated more time to it over the last five years, and I specialise/favour realism portraits. I initially started writing fanfiction on Wattpad in 2017, and I still write from time to time, although I devote more of my time to drawing these days.

My primary interest here is Call of Duty Zombies and has been since young, but I also enjoy games like TF2, Left 4 Dead, and GTA 5. Some of my old content for these fandoms doesn't exist here anymore, but can still be found on my Wattpad under the same username.

As for myself, personally, I'm generally a very shy and quiet person. I'm fairly melancholic and living in a daydream most of the time. I don't talk much in real life as I suffer immensely with anxiety, so for this I tend to journal a lot and post some of it here. I'm quite quirky, odd, and awkward in my ways, but I get up to all sorts of things, although art is my biggest interest. I'm always creating something. I also love music, and I listen to goth/darkwave mostly, or metal sometimes. I'm also a makeup/fashion enthusiast, and I love hyper-feminine, dark fairy, romantic styles and aesthetics. I can't lie when I say that I love to dress up a lot. I also love photography and play model as a little hobby on Instagram sometimes.

This space is my own little nest of comforts, and plenty of times I do gush and ramble about Tank Dempsey (my f/o) because he is the love of my life. But nonetheless, it's to be kept a calm space and welcoming for all.

hey. i was formerly dempseysdarling before my leave... is it okay if i pop my head in here? it's been a minute...

i fear i may be returning way too soon, but right now i'm seeing no other outlet for myself, however, i know that sometimes the best things for us can also be the scariest... so here i am trying at least. i've been drafting and rewriting this post numerous times for at least a week, solely due to my uncertainty within myself... but i've chosen to write this as honest as it comes. so a heads up for anyone reading this. i'm also writing this on my laptop so sorry for any spelling mistakes...

despite the fact that it's only been a couple of months, it felt like an eternity. so much has happened in life, even prior to my leave, and i've been struggling immensely. social media in general had been proving to batter my mental health even more and i desperately needed to abandon it.

i've briefly looked over this space recently and hardly recognise it. frankly, i hardly recognised myself anymore. i felt like nothing more than a shell. quite empty, broken, and a little lost. i didn't really know what i was doing with myself, nor did i recognise anything that once was... i've been so caught up in a daze that i can hardly remember or process things. but right now i'm trying every means possible to keep myself afloat, because frankly i feel like i'm losing grip on a lot of things i used to love and enjoy.

hence why i'm here... probably making a stupid decision, but i know that this was once a place i could reside safely and happily. and if all else fails i'll just leave again and perhaps return when i'm ready.

while there is plenty that shall remain private, i want to express some things that have happened...

for the most part, i isolated myself from the world. things have been rough. i pushed a lot away from me, threw plenty of my hobbies aside and sat in a crumpled mess. i've been on a downhill slope for a long time now, and i reached a breaking point a few months back and barricaded myself away. my physical health had rapidly taken a decline a few years back, alongside my mental health. although, i've had severe anxiety and depression since a teen, but it's only gotten worse. i don't talk a whole lot about my deepest feelings, so consequently, i'd been bottling up a lot of shit, trying to recover from serious illness, all the while trying to remain present and active in all my interests, but also needing to balance life's responsibilities and i ultimately broke... relapsed a few times... drank a whole lot some days... and had to go back on meds for my mental health. i also haven't worked for a good while now due to all of this.

i put down my pencils for a while. i simply couldn't face drawing. i felt that i would never amount to my own expectation, nor would i ever feel satisfied or proud of myself. i lost all motivation and confidence in my creations, in all forms of interest to me, that is drawing, writing, photography. i turned my back to it all.

i shall briefly explain some other things, that have happened in the time of my leave, but they were major events that took a toll nonetheless...

i spontaneously moved house. no negative terms, just an open opportunity. however, i'm having a very hard time settling in and accepting the change... i also had an unexpected medical procedure, leaving me bandaged up and on antibiotics for a month straight. this happened throughout the whole of March, during the move mind you, so i consequently felt useless as i couldn't physically move much as i was in a lot of pain. i've just about healed up now from this, although i've got the scars to show for it. which i'm not so happy about... and then obviously general family events have happened.

truthfully, i had no intentions of returning here at all. i'm not sure why. probably just my fight or flight instincts kicking in at the time. but i've kicked my own ass into returning because i know just how much i loved this little community of people here. and i'd say my icy heart has thawed just enough to pop up here again, so i'm only going to ease myself in slowly.

not so long ago i did pick up my pencils again. i've given myself one of my typical projects, almost trying to trick my brain into thinking that i never stopped drawing, and slowly i'm getting back to my usual pace. albeit my confidence is still severely slacking, and i'm just as critical as i ever was, but i'm working slowly as to not overwhelm myself.

if i actually stay here, i hope to return here and make this more of a fresh start for myself. for a little while everything seemed to merge. things were done hastily, and looking back everything seems messy, bleak and lacks uniqueness. i think i'm going to spend some time cleaning up this blog and rewriting a few things as some things around here are reminding me of harsh times and i'd rather clear away the cobwebs as a means of overcoming and moving on.

my appearance may be scarce for the time being while i sort things out. and it'll be a slow progress because life comes first... but nonetheless, i'll be around.

but i'd just like to say, this girl still isn't out of the dark yet. frankly, i'm incredibly anxious about being here as i have such intense social media anxiety/paranoia. i still feel very down most days and i'm returning here as a means of trying to break myself out of this dismal spell by making this my personal safe and cosy space once again. i also hope to share more things about my life, rather than just cater to writing and such, as fun as it is. i just want to reconnect with the things i love as for a long time i truly lost sight and let go of it all, and it's still hard to clutch it all again...

My mum came into my room and saw that I was drawing, and I've been keeping it covered while I work (to save smudging it) so she couldn't tell what it was. Anyways, she asked to see it and I couldn't really say no...

I showed her and she just... looks at it. I'm already embarrassed about the concept of my drawing.. let alone showing anyone. But now I'm sinking into my chair...

She says, "Jesus Christ, Roxanne. This is unreal."

I have to glance at her but she was in disbelief heh..

but as i'm looking at my drawings from the last year or so (i haven't even shared a fraction here) i don't know what to think...

i've always been extremely critical of my own work, but that's what makes me create more, because i always pick out things i think i can improve on in my next one...

I was watching her play and she hovered over a girl character I didn't know.. She then said "Oh yeah, I added you because I didn't know what other girls to add."

I didn't mind or think anything of it, until she said "Oh by the way, Dempsey likes you."

people always end up seeing something they don't like and just disappear. without a word. just complete disconnection in the blink of an eye.

and i'm left to spiral... deeply... did i say something wrong? did i do something to hurt you? do i talk to much? is it my face?.. heh.. am i just not enough? am i too much?

Ah... I had no idea so many folks would resonate. It just becomes extremely difficult to find the will to want to interact with people when it happens repeatedly...