#pastsecrets

My beautiful new niece, Bristol, was born on Halloween this year. After the initial joys of her healthy arrival passed, the thought of her birth date kept creeping up in my thoughts, throughout the day. You may or may not know, but I am a big hater of Halloween. Having grown up being taught that it wasn't the best thing to "celebrate", I did my own research & formed my own opinions as an adult, which were pretty much in line with what I'd grown up believing. I didn't like the evil behind it, the intent of Satanists to use the day as their "holy" day, to glorify death and wickedness. Add to that being surrounded by a Christian church that often celebrated it through "harvest festivals", it really irked me why so many who claimed to follow Christ could try to make something so ungodly into a Godly day. So I really, REALLY hate Halloween.  

Over the last few years, my spirituality and understanding of who God is and what His Son's death means for us has grown into something that has allowed me to love more freely, to love without fear. But I often still get caught up in the fears of this world that don't allow me to be who God intends me to be, to treat and think of others as He does. Whether it's a political issue, a social issue, or a spiritual issue, I still have a long way to go in truly not judging others and truly just loving them the way God does. And my parents continue to help me along in this journey of love and when they see me being uptight (read: judgmental) about something, they just love to tell me, "Diane, let go. Be free." And I just love to tell them, "stop sounding like hippies. I don't want to let go of *insert issue* because I KNOW I'm right."

Back to Bristol (accurately nicknamed Baby Boo.) All day on her birthday I am thinking, "just great. This kid is going to grow up thinking I hate the day she was born. Cause everyone will tell her I never "celebrated" Halloween and they'll think I'm just putting on this happy face to make her special day, special." And all day on her birthday God kept telling me, "let go. Be free." Ok God, you want me to PARTAKE in this evil holiday??? So slowly, throughout this wrestling match in a few short hours, He revealed this to my heart: Your niece is life. A new life, given by Me, for I am God, and only I can give life. And I gave you life and I want you to have life more abundantly. I want you to share that abundant life with her. And Halloween? You think participating in it will prevent life? Don't you know??!! Haven't you heard?! I have OVERCOME death; death no longer has any clout in this life I have given you. So laugh, laugh in the face of death and evil. CELEBRATE that day with her, every year, because of all the wickedness that began/is Halloween, I am reminding you that I can bring GOOD through all things. Her life is so, so good because I am. Let go, be free.

When you don't have a steady paycheck flowing in, giving and receiving take on an entirely new feeling of appreciation.  Over the last several months, I've been asking God to change my heart to be one that is more willing to give, with gladness (not worry or selfishness that there won't be enough for me.) I asked Him to do this gently because I know how He can answer prayers such as mine & my heart wasn't even in a place where I was willing to become His most generous child (i.e. please don't tell me to sell all of my possessions to follow You, because I read that & I'm terrified!) 

A few weeks ago, just before my last day at work, my cousin Amy relayed to me a story of how her & her husband had given a homeless woman $20 & a hug and how God later showed them the work He'd done in them in that they were ready for it. Willing hearts. It really encouraged me further to continue to seek such willingness to give. And of course when I contemplate the topic in relation to my own life, I'm overwhelmed with the generosity I've received from others (many friends & family) in what they've given me. Huge, huge things that have changed my life for the better, improved my state of living. I could write a near endless list of examples.

On receiving: I've come to a new appreciation of receiving such generosities as someone who is unemployed. Little things: finding $15 unexpected dollars in an old purse; having my movie ticket paid for; free firewood for my camping trip. My heart swells with a feeling of love. I didn't ask for these things, some of them I didn't even need. But yet there they are. Giving to me freely. The lesson here is that it is just like God's love. GIVEN FREELY, whether we think we need it or not. There it is.

On giving: So, fast forward to nearly one month of not working & giving should be even more difficult now than it was before, yes? No! IT'S WONDERFUL! A couple weeks ago, I found a brand new ASL alphabet poster that I'd been keeping to use? Well I don't know when or what for, but there it was. In a nice poster canister collecting dust. So I gave it to my friend Amber, who is a preschool teacher & also takes care of the after school elementary age kids at the preschool. She was so totally thrilled and there was that love feeling for me again. Being able to GIVE to someone, unexpectedly was just awesome. GIVEN FREELY. I know one of the reasons I'd been hanging on to that poster all of these years was out of selfishness that I should keep it for myself to use at some point. But when I realized someone could use it, I immediately thought to give it away. 

Today, I came to yet another stop light with yet another homeless man asking for money. Let the uncomfortableness of trying to avoid eye contact and begging the light to turn green begin. God's already given me a lesson on how to react to the homeless, give to them without question or judgement of their intent (i.e. "Will he use this for drugs?" or "He looks able bodied enough to work",) so that excuse won't work. "Well," I thought, "I don't have any cash on me, so I'm off the hook." Then I remembered the big bag of carrots and sliced apples I had in my car and as I'm rubbing hand sanitizer on my hands, I thought, "Well, I have two hours of shopping ahead of me for food for my road trip. I need to snack on those." I had food to eat to go buy more food while this guy had nothing! Now, I was begging the light to stay red so I could have a chance to give him all that I had to give him.  When I handed him the food, he responded with "God bless." And as I drove away, God (at least, I believe it was God) showed me that receiving His blessings is worth more than any possession I own. I know that the value of someone asking for God to bless me will overflow my cup, more than what I already have. If only I am willing.  And He's only asking me to give what I have; nothing more.

  As I contemplated all of these things for the remainder of the day, I was overwhelmed by everything God has shown me in such a small moment. How giving and receiving is a representation of what He wants from my heart in my relationship with Him. He IS answering my prayer by changing my heart to give me a more willingness to give. Not only that, but He's even doing it in the gentle manner I asked Him to! Can you imagine what it'd be like if I was willing to allow Him to change me radically and in His own way?! These small moments continue to build such indescribable trust, I know my heart will someday be ready for all that He has to give me.

  Ephesians 3:19-21

So one of the wonderful blog's I follow (check her out here: blamenargles) recently posted about her desire to travel & not go to school but how she didn't think it was possible because of her parents and other circumstances, her worries about the future, etc. Well I was going to write this big long response about my life & what I've done in my 20's as far as work & school & blah blah blah. But I got toO lazy & didn't know how to word it in such a way that would be impact-full or keep it brief enough to matter. But for blamenargles & anyone else who doesn't think they can travel or that they HAVE to go to school, I wanted to share with you a recent blog post from the man who has inspired me (a whole community of like-minded people, actually) to stop saying "I can't!" & finally say "I can!" in regards to what I want to do with my life: http://chrisguillebeau.com/3x5/a-tale-of-9-startups/

Growing up we're told high school will be one of the toughest times of our lives and in many respects, that's true.  Changing bodies, changing opinions, changing friends, changing lives; from childhood to not quite being an adult.  As fast-paced and as difficult as those changes can be, I don't think we're warned well enough about what it will be like to be an actual adult.  That stage where your really are out of high school, and you really are no longer a child.  Your 20's.  As children and teens, we view "the 20's" as the time where you are finally living free & wild.  Away from your parents, away from having to go to school (for many), away from being a kid and really living life.  It's all fun & games, right? But then, we reach our 20's, begin to live what is supposed to be part of the best times of our lives, until....reality slaps us in the face.  We realize (sometimes slowly) that we now have at least twice as many responsibilities as we did as a teen (& an innumerable amount compared to that of being a child), we now have HUGE decisions to make that will actually affect the rest of our lives (as opposed to what we thought were huge decisions to make in high school), and we now have relationships that aren't as care free and simple as we did as children.  What we expected is not quite what we're getting.....

And that brings me to one of the greatest lessons I've learned thus far in my wise 26-years lived on this planet we call earth.  That lesson is simple to say, yet often hard to grasp, except, or continuously be aware of: "Expectations Are Disappointments Under Construction."  For me, learning this lesson came in the form of a road trip, a vacation.  I was headed to Colorado to visit family for a week.  I needed someone to trek the 15-hour drive with me, so as not to be a 20-year old female somewhere between San Diego & the Rockies.  So, a friend of mine (we'll call him Steve) said he'd go along, having free board at my sisters home.  What I was expecting: to spend most of our time going to events, visiting new places, and eating out for most of our meals.  What Steve expected: to spend most of our time relaxing with my family, staying home, and eating for free at my sister's.  Did either of us know what the other expected? No.  We dove head-first into a week-long trip together without so much as discussing what even one day would involve while on our trip.  The result: a very nearly lost friendship.  The week ended in a 15-hour drive home with no words spoken other than "We need to get gas," or "Can you stop so I can go to the bathroom?"  

Did I learn the lesson then? Unfortunately, no.  Next came something more unexpected than gum drops raining down on a field of chocolate grass.  My virgin, closest cousin got pregnant by my virgin best friend.  Whoops!  They had both been planning to wait for marriage, let alone have a child out of wedlock.  That in itself wasn't enough though; they weren't sure if they were going to be married or even stay together.  That brought me to a crossroads of friendship v. family that I hope to never face again (but we'll save the lesson that came out of that situation for another blog!)  Here I was, more disappointed than I thought I ever could be with two of the people I loved most in the world.  Why?  Because of my expectations.

Since then, I've tried to remember this lesson, and live each day with no expectations, which can be quite difficult for an American, who has endless options and constant instant gratification.  I expect that every day I'll go to work, in a running vehicle, eat three square meals, and sleep with my feather-down comforter each night.  The every day, the mundane is hard not to expect.  Then, I expect that I can call up my mom at any time just to say hello, that when I plan to go to church on Sunday my friends will be there, and that my niece will say "Hi Tia!" every time she sees me. Those kinds of expectations aren't every day, but are easily part of what makes life more pleasant every day.  Finally, we have the unconscious expectations of what life in general will bring us.  I think it's safe to say that most of us expect to some day be married with children, to see our parents grow to a healthy old age, to have a core group of friends who are always nearby.  We don't like to or want to think of the alternative to these expectations....

And our expectations aren't always positive ones.  I expect Lady Gaga to continue to try and be as shocking as she can; I expect my aunt to never stop complaining about her husband; I expect that only 2 people will ever read this post.  Our every thought, action, and decisions are filled with and based upon our expectations.

I've come to see that there are only 2 "people" I can be sure to expect things from: myself & God.  I expect that I will never be on-time to anything and that I will stay true to commitments I make.  I expect God to love me unconditionally and to take care of me in every situation.  These expectations have yet to fail me.  Of course, life can't be lived entirely free of expectations.  But the disappointments that are constructed by these expectations can vastly be avoided.  I'm sharing this "past secret" with you in hopes that your "post script" will not end in emotionally destructive disappointments.  Try to enter into situations, events, plans for the future, and (most importantly) relationships with as few expectations as possible.  Next, communicate with others around you about what your own and their expectations are before entering a situation, event, plan, or relationship (or during!)  Think about how many relationship issues arise because people don't know what another's expectations are.  And, even knowing what other's expectations are, remain open-minded about what the results will be, because you can only expect things from yourself (& even that isn't guaranteed!)